#jfw

Um.

Jensen.

M'dear.

Ah no. It is not a "nickname", it's a title

I appreciate this statement in a way others might not understand. As someone who has ADHD-PI which is the form of ADHD formerly diagnosed as ADD (you know…the often overlooked ADHD because we aren’t bouncing off the wall) I think Jensen has put himself in a place where he doesn’t know himself because he has continued to mask in order to protect himself. He has stated many times that he has ADD not ADHD and his behaviors show it. I think, like me, he’s the PI form. It takes one to know one and I can’t tell you how accurately we can ID each other. As an educator, I see it in my students immediately and the parents and child-study team are always shocked when after testing, I was correct.

Anyway, we PIs spend so much of our time masking because we have a real fear of people not liking us. Many of us suffer from childhood trauma in which being ourselves was not always rewarded and we started people pleasing and mirroring at a young age. Eventually we develop alternative personas for specific settings and situations. For instance, in college I had my “life of the party” persona to hide my discomfort in a new public setting. As an athlete, I presented more aggressively and would often talk trash even though I hated it. In private with my actual friends, I was calm, warm, and empathetic.

If those present or observing us don’t like this artificial version we have presented, it’s less hurtful to our pride and ego because it’s not really who we are. We try to adapt the next time around. Sometimes successfully and sometimes not. However, when we are with our safe people, one of whom I think Jared is for Jensen, we let our façade drop at least a little because they love us no matter what. But the more time we spend in that fake place, the harder it is to leave it behind. It can begin to alter who we are fundamentally. Especially if we live with or surround ourselves with people who take advantage of the real us (perhaps Danneel, definitely Misha) and weaponize our vulnerabilities against us. We can actually become intolerable and self-centered jerks because we’re constantly in self-preservation mode.

I think that’s where Jensen is at the moment. He’s let the mask drop and he had less of one when he was younger, but then people in the fandom and perhaps his life, started hateful rumors, gave him crap for just having a bad day, or treated him like his only worth was a pretty face (which I would argue actually started with his parents). Now he keeps his persona firmly in place. This arrogant version is possibly his stress persona. Make it look like I don’t give a f*#k and people won’t know I am overwhelmed. It’s in the way he stands, in his posturing, in his speech patterns. Everything is measured and prepared to maintain a semblance of control.

If what many of us have speculated about Jensen and JFW is true…if he was abused in any way as a child (in my opinion disciplined with a belt in the name of love and learning to obey is just that, abuse)…if he has never sought therapy or taken the proper medications, then it will be difficult to ever see the real Jensen. The one Jared and many others describe as unflappably kind, loyal, and funny will not be available to everyone or maybe, after a while, anyone. Even to himself.