#jfi

The one thing that bothers me about 'time' is how oblivious it seems to be. The 'what if's and 'maybe's, questions I'd rather have answers to than to wait and see. Sometimes I fear, what if time doesn't end up doing what it's supposed to do. What happens if I keep going over the same mistakes, keep hoping for another chance. Hoping to fix something. What if every time I come across your name, I still need a moment before I speak. Or that every time I get close to someone, I fear not being enough again and again. What if forehead kisses always remind me of you.

My mind has always been nothing but a bunch of contradictions and thoughts that don’t belong. Decisions I cannot make, emotions buried deep enough to not be seen, especially when they should be. I never knew how it felt to be broken and whole all at once. To be angry and sorry and thankful at the very same moment. Or how change could be so deafening at times, it becomes easier to stay awake with raging thoughts than fall asleep to silence. I never knew how it felt to be loved enough to fear loving ever again. Sometimes it worries me if I’d ever find comfort in a pair of eyes again. It worries me if I just might. Maybe because I've never felt safer, more peaceful. Never so content. You know, the watching the night sky and long conversations kind of heaven. The love you’ve always wanted standing right in front of you, a little taller than you expected, with the most childlike grin kind of happiness. The pushing my hair behind my ear kind of calmness. The ‘thank you for the love I'll always carry in the left pocket of your favourite shirt’ kind of love. And some days I find myself wishing we'd never met in the first place. I don't really know what to do with all the details I've kept so safely about you. I don't really know if it's okay with me if I forget the sound of your laughter. I don’t know if it’s okay with me to go a day without you. Some days I wish I didn’t have to wonder any of it at all.

Nobody could ever tell me I'm beautiful, more believably than you.

I've realised heartbreak is as unexpected and complicated as love. And trust me, letting down my guards had felt much more braver and beautiful than collecting the pieces and putting them back up. But I never knew love had the ability to make me feel normal for turning into a pool of sadness any moment of the day, more than once. Or making me believe something as untrustworthy as my messed up head. I believed moving on meant doing things you love to keep the hurt away. But it's not being able to sleep at night but not wanting to get out of the bed even when it's almost noon. It's listening to loud music that I hate, but there's nothing more I can do to drown out my thoughts. It's hating every inch of you one day and almost texting you the other. On some days it's wanting to delete your phone number but wanting it scribbled somewhere safe, just in case. Just in case, someday I feel like calling you, and cursing you, and hating you, and telling you how much I miss you. Sometimes it's just something as simple as missing the way you looked at me. Sometimes it's hoping you'd pull me in, kiss my forehead and it'd all be a little quieter. Almost like how I remember it.

"You clinged to my body like you wanted it forever.

Looking at you made me realise,

Somewhere between trying not to think about you and ending up overthinking about us, I guess

There are days when