JESPER THOUGHTS TIME BECAUSE IF EVERYONE ELSE CAN DO IT SO CAN I
This is a man who longs to be loved. He longs to be loved and to be allowed to love. This is, genuinely, the first impression of him I got from the books. When Bollinger was revealed as a traitor, Jesper didn't react with anger, as you'd expect from someone who, yknow, had been betrayed. All he said was "Oh, Big Bol... you idiot." And it sounds REGRETFUL. He regretted what Bollinger had done, he regretted being betrayed by someone he saw as his friend. He and Bollinger weren't even that close but he acted so regretful and disappointed
He wants to love. He reaches out so desperately to everyone around him. He reaches out to Kaz so much, everyone's analysed that to death, but he reaches out to EVERYONE. Everything about him is crafted so people will like him. The humour, the flirting, the style, the laid-back personality, it's all a way to present a version of himself that everyone will like. And it takes such a toll on him - we see that with his gambling and his intense self loathing - but he doesn't try to change it. Because he wants people to like him so much
Jesper's childhood was so full of love. His mum loved his dad, his dad loved his mum his mum loved him and his dad loved him. There wasn't a person in that house who didn't feel intensely, completely loved and accepted. Out of all the Crows, Jesper had the healthiest early childhood.
And then his mum died.
And he suddenly didn't feel so loved or accepted anymore. Not because of anything anyone did but because his mum's powers had killed her and her death ripped a huge rift through the family. Colm still loved Jesper but he was afraid for him. Afraid that his zowa would take Jesper from him like it took Aditi from him. So, Jesper learnt to hide that part of himself. He learnt that, in order to be loved, he had to hide parts of himself away. He had to hide his power, the dangerous part of himself, the part his mother had given to him.
Then, when he fell into the Barrel, he had to hide more of himself. I'm fairly certain he was only 15 when he dropped out of uni. He was incredibly young and probably absolutely terrified. And so many of the people around him were strong and apathetic and dangerous. So, again, Jesper learnt and he adapted. He's a master of change, he can create whatever image of himself he wants. He knows how to make people like him.
All because he wants to be loved. Because he wants to love. He trusts and loves people so implicitly, so quickly, he treasures his friends. He loves people so deeply and completely, verging on the edge of blindness. And people just don't give him that love and trust back. He fights for it. Every bullet out of his gun, every quip or insult or fist thrown is because he wants his friends to love him. He wants to be useful and needed and wanted. He's got such a hole in his heart, such a well of emptiness, that he doesn't let anyone see. Because if people know he's weak, if people know he's human, they won't like him anymore. If they know he's more (or less) than the jokes and the empty promises and the easy pick-up lines and the guns and the flash, they won't love him anymore and he will be completely, utterly alone with his thoughts
