#jerksshutup

People may or may not have noticed I stopped blogging a long time ago. Largely because I had failed on my mission for a happy, healthy life. I'm finally ready to talk about the experience that ultimately discouraged me to the point of giving up. 

I had been working with a personal trainer for some time. I was progressing really well. I'm not really talking in terms of number on a scale (though it did decrease) but my mental health was kicking, my body was strong, and I felt healthy for the first time in a long time. However, the last session I had at a local gym ended up really being my last. While I was working my ass off, sweating, achieving things I never knew I could do, I could hear two other trainers and a regular mocking me in my struggle. I heard them say "look at that pig sweat". 

There hasn't been a single day I haven't thought about that. Not a single day has gone by since then that I haven't heard their words when I looked in the mirror. As someone who already struggles with depression & anxiety it really sent me to a dark place. I gained all the weight back that I lost, lost all the muscle I had gained and have battled with serious life altering depression since. I never thought I'd talk about it, but I randomly found myself recounting it to a friendly co-worker today. I had never told my partner about it, either. 

I can't deal with the fat shaming anymore. I was just trying to be healthy. If I can't even go to a gym and try to push my body to get in shape, I don't know how I can do it. I joined a new gym with my partner a few weeks ago and have yet to muster the courage to go. My mother recently had heart surgery and it was kind of a wake up call that my lifestyle will someday take me away from the people I love before I'm ready.