CHRIS (off-panel): This is the leader of the jerkops, mostly known as the Jerkief. It is the meanest, most strict and evil of all. Not only is it mean, but it is also related to the not-so-mean Lummox (you can look up information on the Lummox on the “Ben and Stumpy Show”, available on DVD)
Now the Jerkief’s head is bigger than a bowling ball, yet due to its triple-chins, it is shaped like a lightbulb, but it comes up with very few bright ideas at all. It also has the basic frown, and has glassy eyes, literally. You can identify a Jerkief by its “badge”, instead of a cracker, it uses a hunk of treebark, showing the inside, lighter side. Among with its natural color, the Jerkief wears all brown articles of clothing, to cover its bulging blobbiness. Because of its monstrous bones and blubber, a Jerkief will weigh 1,500 pounds, a lot more than a Snorlax (at 1,014 pounds). Its weak point is still at its sour-dough region, but it would take five kicks to get to it (its blubber gets in the way.) Instead of a breadstick, it uses a metallic slingshot to ward away all who approach it. The Jerkief really loathes virgins for some odd reason, and will attack one at first sight. When it attacks, it attacks with its tribe of jerkops, and they shout threats, then they attack without mercy!
Chris refers to the Lummoxes of the Ren and Stimpy show as relatives of the Jerkiefs. In episode 10 of season 3, “The Lair of the Lummox”, Ren and Stimpy make a pretend nature documentary (sound familiar?) and go out to find these large, Neanderthal-like obese giants. Again, Chris takes the time to acknowledge what he’s ripping off. It’s also safe to say Chris probably doesn’t watch a lot of real nature documentaries in his spare time.
I’m not sure what exactly Chris means when he says the jerkief “literally” has glassy eyes - does he have two glass eyes? How does he see at all? Does he have super hearing to compensate? Either way the Jerkief was never shown to be blind in Sub-Episode 1. I guess Chris didn’t think this through before he called it “literally.”
Here it’s explained that a Jerkief’s badge is made of wood, just like it’s mentioned on the cover, that doesn’t explain why it’s delicious though.
A Snorlax, shown at the bottom, is a large Normal-type Pokemon that’s about 7 feet tall that does little else besides eat hundreds and hundreds of pounds of food in one sitting and sleeping. “Snorlax” is also an affectionate nickname given to Chris’s mother Barbara Chandler, due to her obesity and inactivity. If the Jerkief literally weighed 1,500 pounds (680 kilograms), and he wasn’t about 30 feet tall, however, he wouldn’t be able to move at all.
A metallic slingshot is a gun. Chris says his comic is for children (and this part of the comic generally is pretty family-friendly, generally), so he probably chose to censor out the references to firearms. But he still shows people shooting guns, so I must say using the phrase “metallic slingshot” is all for naught.
Again Chris shifts the blame for his failures over to external forces - now it’s all the Jerkief’s fault Chris can’t get laid because the Jerkief just has an inexplicable hatred for virgins.
