Jul 29, 2019
Bagget !!!!
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Bagget !!!!
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Sub Episode 7 Page S-8
CHRIS: The more you haze me, I will grow stronger! You all are vicious, so in the name of my heart, soul, and love quest, I shall punish you!
BAGGET: I donât think soâŠ!
Caption: *sword of lightning*
CRYSTAL: !
On this page, to combat Baggetâs actual sword, Chris creates a âsword of lightningâ, which displays another inconsistency in the Anchuent Prophecy - these electric weapons. This sword is probably Chris-Chanâs equivalent of Sarhama Rosechuâs lightning bow, and Wes-li Sonichu has a âflame sniperâ, another bow and arrow, but those are the only such weapons in the comic. Crystal, Reldnahc and Liquid donât have any swords or anything. In fact: Chris, Crystal, Reldnahc, and Liquid have medallions, much like the ones Chris and Liquid have in real life, Sarah Hammer has Lightning Bracelets and Wes-Li has the Fireshock Pendant, which is different from a medallion. Chris, Crystal, and Reldnahc all have finishing attacks (the Curse-ye-ha-me-ha, Shocking Tiara Magic, and the Quee-fee-mae-mo-bo-bo attack), but Wes Iseli, Sarah Hammer and Liquid Chris donât. And, as previously mentioned, only Wes-li and Liquid have Pokemon types. Take note that Chris-Chan is the only hedgehog to have both an electric weapon and a finishing attack.
In the back we see an exclamation point; we later see that this is an alarmed Crystal.
Sub Episode 8 Page S-4
CRYSTAL: Iâm coming Christopher!
SFX: BAM!
CRYSTAL: How dare a jerk hit a lady like that? Oh no!
CRYSTAL (thought): They have Chris⊠I have to go after them! But I donât know where they went. I know how to find out though!
CRYSTAL: Electric Hedgehog attackâŠ
Caption *Telekinesis*
JERKIEF: Are we there yet?
BAGGET: No, weâre just a few minutes away from serving Mary her worst enemy on a silver platter!
CRYSTAL (thought): Mary? They must be heading to PVCCitizens! Getting there on fast feet will be faster than borrowing Chrisâs car. SoâŠ
Chris tries that anime thing where fast running or movement is represented by fast lines moving in the background in the first two panels, Crystal running through a pink anime field and the Jerkief punching her out in a red one.
Jerkief straight up punching Crystal out is easily the most effective heâs been the entire comic. Seldom do villains try something so direct, which is probably why Chris is so easily able to defeat them. Good job Jerkief!
Crystal goes flying and lands on her ass. Now, Chris is a firm believer in classic chivalry so Crystal takes specific offense to being struck. Nowhere in chivalry does it say youâre supposed to just stand there and let a lady beat you up though.
Chris is among many to confuse telepathy with telekinesis. Telekinesis (Greek tele-, far away from, and kinesis, movement) is moving things with your mind, telepathy (tele- plus -pathy, from Greek pathos, suffering, used to refer to someone with a condition) is communicating with psychic powers. Humorously, this confusion is also made in Tara Gilesbieâs magnum opus My Immortal, Sonichuâs closest living relative.
Jerkief is asking âAre we there yetâ approximately one minute after getting in the car.
Also, now, apparently, Mary Lee Walsh wants to eat Chris. I wouldnât eat him, Mary, the meat would be super fatty.
Crystal finally decides to turn into Crystalina, which, again, would have been helpful much earlier.
Sub Episode 8 Page S-3
BAGGET: Hereâs a tatoo on the house!
CHRIS: AAAAAHâŠ!
BAGGET: Hog-time him, tighten up his dominant hand, and toss him into Crackderâs cockpit!
BAGGET: Just toss him in the back Jerkief, you ride with me! The rest of you head back to base in the car.
CRYSTAL: STOP IT! YOUâRE HURTING MY BROTHER! LET HIM GO!
Bagget seems to have a pretty poor understanding of what a tattoo is if heâs rubbing Chrisâs face into the floor. I donât even think ink is involved. I suppose he means to say that the burn he gets will leave a scar that never goes away like a tattoo, but a tattoo is when you get ink in your skin, not a burn.
Itâs hog-tie, not hog-time.
Panel 6 is I believe the last reference to Excel Saga in this stupid issue. In Episode 16, thereâs a parody of overly sentimental death sequences where a robot character, breaking apart, sheds a single tear into a pool of water, leaving dramatic ripples; Chris trades the tears for blood. Again, Chris fails to grasp the over-the-top parodic nature of Excel Saga and uses the same scene for what is supposed to be a dramatic scene in Sonichu. The sheer number of parodies played straight probably has something to do with Sonichuâs lack of narrative stakes; itâs impossible to take anything seriously. Itâd be like watching Young Frankenstein expecting to scare yourself shitless to read Sonichu expecting serious dramatic stakes.
I donât know why Bagget really has to specify Chrisâs âdominant handâ, heâs right handed so itâs not like Chris would surprise them with a left handed attack or anything, and why not just tie up both hands?
Crackderâs cockpit here stands in for the police car Chris was taken away in, you can easily trace the real events underneath the overexaggerations Chris gives the comic - Chris was approached by managers, he sparred with them, the cops were called, Chris resisted arrest, the cops are forced to tackle him and take him away in their squad car, they take him to the station, at his trial his mother (here represented by Crystal) gets him out of trouble, Chris just added a little pizzazz.
Sub Episode 8 Page S-1
Caption: Drawn September 2nd, 2005
Title: SUB-EPISODE 8
Subtitle: Christian Chandler in Off Target Part 2
CWC BBoT: Last time I was encountered by a Jerkop in Power Rangerâs clothing. We battled and I paralyzed him, but then he summoned his change-bot and things became chaotic. I would have knocked that change-bot out it it hadnât tripped me over. I was then captured. When a cry for help flew from my mouth, and into Crystalâs ears, Bagetâs bot dropped me. Now as my sister goes through the crowd, I am falling to the ground hand-and-leg-cuffed!
CRYSTAL (thought): For now, this is the best I can do to break his fallâŠ
Caption: *psychic*
Caption: *snag*
CHRIS (thought): A psychic catch?
BAGGET: ?
This sequel to Off Target Part 1 was written a good two months later. By then, Chris was out of danger, no one was pressing charges and Christian Weston Chandler had won once again against the Commonwealth of Virginia and the Virginia is for Virgins conspiracy. Itâs quite likely Chris had this ending planned since day one - heâd always had Crystal running in to save him from his fate - but now he was comfortable with encapsulating it forever in comic form.
Again, like in Sub-Episode 5, the beginning of this story has always been packaged directly before this one, making this explanation moot once again.
Crystal is capable of using any electric hedgehog power that Chris has, which opens up several plot holes - why didnât she summon some Punchy power and smash through the crowd? Why didnât she Magi-Chan earlier and teleport over to Chrisâs side, or use Angelica and fly over the crowd, or use any attacking abilities to hurt Bagget and/or Crackder⊠come on! Youâre Mary Sues! Act like it!
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Sub Episode 7 Page S-13
BAGGET: Cuff him!
BAGGET: Well, âheroâ, what sayest thou now?
CHRIS: All I wanted for over two years was a boyfriend-free girl to make into a sweetheart from the ground-up whom I can love and trust! Why is it illegal to find true love? But in this situation, I can only say one thingâŠ
CHRIS: HELP!
For once, Christian Weston Chandler has been bested. And heâs not immediately going to turn around and whoop Bagget, either, like he does with Mary Lee Walsh and your average manajerk who gets the upper hand. Chris not only is legit taken down by Bagget and Crackder, but he stays captured for the rest of this episode and most of the next. This stretch in the Off Target storyline is the longest Chris is ever incapacitated in the comic and one of the only times Chris would be completely toast without the help of someone else. If Crystal wasnât here, Chris would have been vanquished by Mary Lee Walsh once and for all. These moments Chris allows himself a darkest hour are few and far between.
One thing to remember is, again, Chris was still awaiting prosecution for this incident when he drew the comic version. His victory hadnât yet been assured in real life, so he didnât want to write his comic victory quite yet. If he hadnât had the charges dropped against him, perhaps the peachy ending of Sub-Episode 8 wouldnât have been so peachy. McAttack, the only other two part story, was split because it was the merging of two real life events at the same McDonaldâs two days apart. Off Target is a two-parter because Chris didnât know the ending to the true story.
The gray scribble in the top right of the page is supposed to be a âBig Ball of Violenceâ - a big cloud of smoke that characters disappear into to fight, implying that theyâre kicking up so much dust in the fight that it obscures them completely, a technique iconic to early cartoons. Often times, since these cartoons were aimed at children, the swearing in the fight would be censored as symbols being ejected from this gas cloud, those are what those orange things are.
Sub Episode 8 Page S-6
Caption: *map scope*
Caption: {target} = Get-Tar
Caption: {rook chess piece} = Private Villa of Corrupted Citizens
Caption: {Space Invaders alien} = Crackder
Caption: {orange dot} = Crystalina
Caption: Later, at PVCCitzensâŠ
COUNT GRADUON: I sense our servants are returning!
MARY LEE WALSH: Good!
BAGGET: My mistress, I have returned victorious! Here is the being you requested for dinner. One lonely heart and soul!
CHRIS {thought}: This is the pits!
MARY LEE WALSH: Youâve done great, Bagget! Iâve been waiting for this! Hang him above the cauldron! Ha! Ha! Ha!
CHRIS (thought): Got to⊠hang in⊠there⊠hmmmâŠ
I do believe this is the last or at least one one of the next to last appearances of the map scope; he sort of phased out that trope over the course of the comic.
The long horizontal road is likely supposed to represent US Route 29, a long highway with termini in Maryland and Georgia that runs straight through Chrisâs world, which Chrisâs Target is right off of. The rest of the map doesnât seem to bear much resemblance to the rest of Chrisâs roads around Charlottesville.
Bagget kneels at the feet of his mistress Mary Lee Walsh, which leads to the question: why would officers of the law be subservient to a dean of discipline of a community college? Well, thatâs because in the land of Christian Weston Chandler, Mary Lee Walsh is some kind of empress who has some kind of actual control over events, like the Target debacle, because by Virginia is for Virgins logic, Mary Lee Walsh has a vested interest in keeping Chris from getting laid forever, not just in that brief moment their lives intersected at PVCC. He contextualizes each of these events that had nothing to do with one another - getting kicked out of PVCC, getting banned from the Fashion Square Mall, the Wal-Mart affair and the Target arrest - as being one big conspiracy orchestrated by the same people, which would eventually somewhat be the case once the trolling started.
Chris is tied up with an apple in his mouth similar to the way many cooked whole pigs are prepared. While the apple in a pigâs mouth is usually decorative, apples and ham/pork are often served together. That red thing by the last word bubble is the apple, by the way. It must have fallen out of his mouth.
Sub Episode 7 Page S-3
Caption: *July 20, 2005âŠ
Caption: In the office of Mary Lee Walsh, at the Private Villa of Corrupted CitizensâŠ
MARY LEE WALSH: Count Graduon and I have gone over your recordsâŠ
MARY LEE WALSH: And we found that you are the best of the worst; youâre even better than that Jerkief! So weâre going to give you a very special assignment!
COUNT GRADUON: Our nemesis, Christian Chandler, has been located at the new Get-Tar Region; we want you to intercept and capture him, and bring him to us. I will send a hypnowave to the manajerks in the region to help you in the capturing.
MARY LEE WALSH: But if you fail, you shall spend the rest of eternity in a pool of hot lava! Do you understand?
BAGGET: I will not fail you, mistress Mary Lee Walsh!
MARY LEE WALSH: See that you donât!
After six months of trying and failing, Mary Lee and Count Graduon finally decide to show the Jerkief the door and get a new, more competent jerkop chief to capture Chris. This is Bagget, inspired by the actual police officer who arrested Chris for loitering at the newly opened Charlottesville Target three days prior to the writing of this comic, on 20 July 2005. Â As recounted by the CWCki, Baggetâs real life counterpart, Officer Marcus Bagget of the Albemarle County Police department, is a hero who saves people from burning buildings and obese manchildren. It is assumed that while on the job he does not dress like a Power Ranger.
This Sub-Episode is a recounting of the event on 20 July 2005, but Sonichu-fied - this time Chris wins! At the time Chris was writing this comic, he was still awaiting trial for the incident - he was charged with disorderly conduct and trespassing - eventually the prosecutors decided to drop the case and Chrissy Boy got off scot-free.
That purple orb is supposed to be a crystal ball, showing Chris on a literal target, symbolizing that he feels âon-targetâ to finding a girl at the Target store, a drawing we will see in greater detail on the next page. This crystal ball is how Chandler contextualizes how everywhere he goes, it seems like thereâs always some kind of manajerk or jerkop harassing him - Mary Lee Walsh and this overarching evil are watching over him and tracking his every move to keep people hounding him.
I donât exactly get why we need to know or care that Mary Lee has threatened Bagget with eternal punishment if he fails. Heâs a villain, hypothetically weâre not rooting for him to succeed. This doesnât really add any stakes to the story that we care about. Not to mention itâs never brought up again; Bagget does fail at his quest to crush Chrisâs heart and heâs not punished.