#jencoken

As I took another bite of my toast, my eyes welled up with tears, my breath caught in my throat.  I was feeling particularly overwhelmed and sad this morning because of some things that were happening in my life – nothing huge, just the stuff of life, what I sometimes refer to as “First World Problems.”

But I couldn’t dismiss the way I was feeling.  And it didn’t diminish the fact that right then, I missed my Mom terribly.  She was always the one I called when I was feeling blue.  I just wanted to hear her soft voice say: “Aaaawwww honey, I’m sorry that’s going on, I know you’ll get through this. It is just hard right now. What can I do to help?”  I loved that about her – she usually gave reassurance instead of advice. Since I couldn’t call her, I simply allowed myself to cry. I allowed myself to feel the sadness and self-pity I was experiencing. In a few minutes, I felt better.

Yesterday I was talking to a friend who is facing a probable diagnosis of ALS. This guy is a multi-talented, exceptional businessman with an amazing life. I couldn’t imagine what it was like to face that diagnosis.  

“How are you doing?” I asked.  “Well,” he said, “I’ve gone from crying 3 or 4 times a day to only crying once a day.”  Alarm bells went off in my head. “Why is that so important to you?” I asked.  “Well I don’t want to burden my family or friends” he responded.

His response was human – we don’t want to feel sad or burden others by our worries when we are having them. The diagnosis my friend was facing sucks.  Whether someone is facing a terminal illness or dealing with any other difficult situation, it is very important to feel and express our emotions.

But somewhere along the way, we decided we shouldn’t let our feelings “get in the way?” The way of what? Our humanity?

Feeling my feelings in the moment I am feeling them is one of the most important tools I use on a daily basis to feel powerful no matter my circumstances.  

What has our feelings “get in the way” is when we DON’T let ourselves feel them. Pushing our feelings down only makes them more intense and causes more dis-ease physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  When we allow ourselves to feel sad, angry, ashamed, guilty, or whatever we are feeling in the moment, the feeling dissipates and eventually disappears.

As the French novelist Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr said: “Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose.” Directly translated “the more it changes, the more it is the same thing.”  In other words, if you try to make yourself happy when you don’t feel that way, the sadness will still be there.

Mistake Number 1: You Play Small

Unsuccessful people avoid setting goals. As the Cheshire Cat said to Alice “If you don’t know where you are going, any road will do.” Successful people know where they are going because they spend the time to reflect on mistakes they’ve made in the past and create 3 to 5 goals per year that they are out to achieve.

Furthermore successful people don't just set run of the mill goals, they big audacious goals that will be worthy of their time and worthy of the possibility of failure. Successful people know that putting their butts on the line for something big is where their creative juices flow. They also know that even if they fail, simply knowing that they left it all on the playing field was worth the effort.

One other point, successful people also know that failing does not make you a failure. Failing is just a step toward success.

Mistake Number 2: You Have No Plan of Action

Ideas are great, but your ideas will stay ideas unless you have a comprehensive plan for how to achieve them. Successful people break down their annual goals into smaller chunks – quarterly, monthly, weekly and even daily. Your plan will make sure that what you are working on each day is moving you toward success.

Mistake Number 3: You Don’t Write Things Down in One Place

Successful people keep track of their ideas, their to do’s, notes and reflections all in one notebook. This is the first thing I recommend to my clients: Go buy one (AND ONLY ONE) notebook to keep track of everything. The notebook doesn't have to be special but it should fit into your purse or pocket so that you can take it everywhere. If you are like most people, you have post it notes or scribble pads in your house, in your car, and on your computer at work. By keeping all of your ideas in one place you avoid repeating yourself and don’t have to hunt for that “great idea” you had last week in your Monday morning meeting.

Mistake Number 4: You Don’t Keep Track of Everything You Have To Do

It’s great to have everything in a notebook, but if you don’t have an easy way to keep track of those items, it’s unlikely they will get done. I give my clients a “Reality Checklist.” Every night I coach them to take what is in their notebook and put it into what I call their "Reality Checklist.” This checklist is a simple excel spreadsheet that keeps track of your “to dos” in several different ways - by category, by deadline, by date entered and by amount of estimated time it will take to complete each task. This simply allows you to be more productive because you can sort the data according to your goals.

Mistake Number 5: You Don’t Deal with Reality

Have you ever felt overwhelmed or like the weight of the world is on your shoulder because you have so much going on? Well truth be told you have a finite amount of things going on. If you are writing them down, and putting them into your Reality Checklist then you know you have 14 things, or 67 things or 23 things going on. But that is only part of your path to success. Everything "you have going on" must be scheduled into your calendar.  

Take the items from your “Reality Checklist” and start scheduling appointments in your calendar to complete the work. You can schedule yourself a month, three months or a year out based on your deadlines. The point is to get it into a real time frame. This way you can be realistic about what you can get done and still have time for yourself, your family and your friends!

Knowing these common mistakes and how to avoid them will surely change the way you look at how to be ridiculously effective, but it’s not enough.

When asked by the New York Times: “What is the #1 investment a person can make?” Warren Buffet responded: “Invest in Yourself.”

He went on to say:

“Surround yourself with people who will help you achieve your goals and dreams. We all need to have positive people in our lives.  And maybe you need a mentor or coach who can help you take action on your goals.”

This may come across as self-indulgent because I am a Life Coach. But let me make myself abundantly clear. I’m not saying hire me (we may not be a fit), I’m simply saying hire A Life Coach.

Unsuccessful people think they should be able to reach their goals on their own.

Successful people know that success isn’t a solo adventure. Success comes from working in partnership with people around you who will encourage/support/harrass/cajole/ and mostly INSPIRE you to achieve your dreams.

When I thought back over all things I’d accomplished in my life and the setbacks I’d overcome, I realized there were only a few years when I didn’t have a coach. As a kid, my Mom was my biggest cheerleader. In college and throughout my early career I surrounded myself with advisors and mentors who I went to on a regular basis for advice and guidance. I always assumed I didn’t have all of the answers and felt that asking others for their input would reveal something I hadn’t even imagined. My career choices were predicated upon their advice and I was successful because I took it.

Around the age of 32 I realized all the advice I was getting wasn’t doing the job it used to do. I was successful, but my experience of success was shortlived because I was always moving on to the next thing and therefore was never really satisfied with myself.  I had a lot of friendships and was a very social person, but felt lonely in a room full of people. I’d been in love a number of times, but all of my peers were getting married and I wasn’t sure that was the road for me and didn’t know who to talk to about that. I loved my family, but a lot of the time they drove me crazy and I wasn’t sure how to be my best when I wasn’t “in the mood.”

I realized I had a lot of “buts” so I decided it was time to put my proverbial “butt” on the line.  

That’s when I hired my first Life Coach and have surrounded myself with coaches over the last 20 years. Why?

I wanted to be asked questions that made me question myself and made me think outside my own box.

I wanted someone who was not only going to be my biggest cheerleader, but also my biggest challenger.

I wanted someone who could watch my performance (aka me live my life) from a 30,000 foot view, and ask me questions until I came to my own answers.

I wanted someone who could unlock the genie in the bottle. That genie was me.

This is what a Life Coach does. This is what I’ve done with over 8,000 people for nearly 20 years.

We help you identify your self-made limitations and bust right through them. We help you create and achieve bigger goals than you ever thought possible. We don’t buy your excuses for why you can’t be successful – we are constantly challenging you to go beyond what you think you are capable of. We raise the bar on you, even if you have that bar set really high to begin with.

How do you find the right coach for you? It’s simple: credibility and chemistry. Do they have the chops to get the job done and will you pick up their phone call when you see their name coming up on the screen.

How do you know if you are ready for a life coach? Also simple. You have to be ready to take the coaching. Don’t hire someone if aren’t going to be coachable.

If you are ready to be coached, the next step is to talk to a few coaches and pick the one who's the best fit. That’s exactly why I offer a 30 – 60 minute discovery call to determine credibility, coachability and chemistry (it works both ways).

No matter where you are at with your life, a coach can make a big difference.

So why not schedule a call with me today? Just send an email to me at [email protected] and we’ll work something out.