#jelai

‘Jelai Icon’

Art Trade with the wonderful, awesome @thorinfrostclaw I am slowly trying to draw aallll of your characters. ;D

After how many years, I finally have the courage to think about you as an ex-boyfriend. You might think that this is just one of my antiques to finally get you to care about me, but this isn’t. I don’t hate you. I cannot afford to hate you. The truth is, I still love you and maybe I always will. Just like a person who is about to commit a suicide, this might really sound like my suicide note for you.

Do you remember the first time you noticed me? I bet you don’t. It seems that it was only yesterday that I first saw you. I’m not really a church person, but that was the place where I first saw you, in a wedding. Sounds dreamy and romantic, right? That’s what I thought too. It was the phase of my life when I was so lost and confused. I didn’t ask Him for you, but He gave you to me. The moment I saw you, I knew you’d be mine. It took a year for our paths to cross again, and that time I decided that I’ll do everything just for us to be introduced and wait for things to happen in its natural course.

Do you still remember our first date? I bet you don’t. I can’t explain how happy and proud I was when you went to our house and asked my parents’ permission that you will be dating me. You got my parents’ approval because of that gesture. I was never more sure that everything between us will work out. Our date was awkward and silent at first. I wanted so badly for you to hold my hand as I haven’t experienced having my hand held by a guy that I really like. Finally, as we neared our destination, you silently held my hand, laced our fingers together and never let go even when we ate our ice cream. You got ube, while I got chocolate. I remembered not sleeping that night as I thought of the possibilities of hanging out with you.

My love, do you still remember that first time we had our fight? I bet you don’t. It was our second monthsary. I really want to introduce you to my friends, but everytime I do it, you seem to forget that I am already your girlfriend. I also noticed that you seem to act as if you don’t know me everytime we are around people that we know. I snapped at you. I told you that I cannot continue with a relationship like this because if I’m with someone, I want everyone to know. I gave you a choice, I told you that it can’t really hurt the both of us if we’ll just break up since our relationship is still new and if ever you still really want me, you have to act like it. I held my breath you know, because even then, the possibility of you dumping me will cause another scar in my heart which I cannot afford that time. Gladly, you chose to be with me and finally did things right.

Love, can you ever think of a time when you felt happy just because we’re together?  I bet you can’t. I bet moments with me are just a way for you to pass your time. I can still remember the first time you called me “love”. Before you, I really thought love sounds corny, but coming from you I don’t care who can hear it. Can you still remember the time when you introduced me to your friends as your future wife? Given my nature, I should have ran as far away as I can because I cannot imagine myself being tied in a lifelong commitment, but instead I beamed with pride and joy.

You are a puzzle I can’t solve, a mnemonic which looks so easy but hard to store in my brain. You are hardly impressed with my achievements. I am not the best writer, nor the girl who can easily solve complicated mathematics problems. For you I am not the girl who knows almost everything just like what everybody thinks.  For you I am just myself. Other guys might consider me as a trophy girlfriend, but I never felt that with you. You are so different that it’s so hard for me to figure you out. I really want to be mad at you about it, but you’re just so nice and I really don’t want to look like a complete bitch about it.

My friends are so jealous of what we have. They keep on telling me that I am so lucky for having you, and I couldn’t disagree. I cannot exactly explain it love, but what we have is more than just a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship. You are the calm in my storm. Without you, I don’t know where I am now. I was such a wreck before I met you and I am forever grateful in you for saving me from that.

What brought me in this situation was the sinking feeling that everything is not the same between us anymore. Maybe I have become so demanding that you spaced out. But my love, you know that I’m not materialistic and I will never ask for things that I think you can’t give. As I keep on telling you, I just want you – all of you. Aren’t you ready for me yet? I remember how you almost ran away from me because I told you about my five-year plan after college. My plan included a future with you, but it seems that you don’t want a future with me. You told me that I shouldn’t be so sure of my plans because it might hurt the both of us if it will not come true. You said, carpe diem. I agreed and let you hold my hand but you did not notice that it tore me apart. Since then, I realized that maybe I’m holding you too tight.

Love can you still remember that one and only time that I showered you with my texts saying that I really need you? It was the time when I failed the most important examination of my college life. You didn’t show up to comfort me. I never felt so alone. I had no choice but to forgive you, but I didn’t forget.  And lately, it always breaks me everytime you refuse to tell me you love me. The last time I asked you if you love me, you didn’t answer. I repeated my question, but you didn’t answer again. Is it that hard to tell someone you love you love her, or is it that hard to tell someone you don’t love anymore that you love her? Because even now, I can tell you how much I love you without any hesitation.

You might wonder why I called this a suicide note instead of a farewell note. This is a suicide note because I don’t really want to lose you. I just think that since you are too nice to break up with me, this might be the right way to do things. I don’t want to force you anymore my love. Five years ago, I was the one who decided for the two of us and right now I want to put that decision in your own hands. Whatever that decision will be, I will be happy for you my love.