#jedcest

Edward couldn’t bear to look at him. Couldn’t face the feelings that he felt, couldn’t face the way his body reacted. John didn’t know, of course, he was always the clueless one. Edward would always have to give him hints or outright tell him when something was happening under his nose. Not this time though. This was different because he couldn’t know about this. Edward was, for once, glad that he didn’t pick up on the undertones.He doesn’t know why but his fingers found a patch of skin on his outer thigh and they pinched. It hurt but it worked. Edward wasn’t thinking about how John was standing in front of his bed half naked, he’s not feeling anything but the ache of the pinch and any stirring down South that may have been going on had disappeared. Edward could stay composed, keep talking like nothing was happening because that dull pain took over his senses and he’s okay for now.He keeps doing it. Every horny dream, every awkward boner and every time John insists on walking around with no damn clothes on. They had never been shy in front of each other, why would they be? As twins, best friends, they just never grew out of sharing beds or leaving the room to change. Until Edward’s feelings had started to change, that was. It was different then, he would find himself leaving the room, locking himself in the bathroom to undress. Sharing a bed was the biggest no-no. Not after the last time a few months ago when Edward had woken up hard and pressed up against a sleeping John.But John carried on. Didn’t notice the sudden shift, didn’t comment on the awkwardness of it all or the bright red faces. He was just John and Edward loved him. He loved him more than anything, more than he should, more than a brother.It had gotten better since Edward had started pinching; the boners and dirty dreams got less frequent and he could actually look at John while he dressed without fear of feeling things. Edward still loved him but there was no physical evidence and he could live with that, carry on as normal. There was a permanent bruise on his leg but it was okay, a small price to pay. He was better. He fixed himself.•It was just a small gift, a small token to celebrate the milestone. Edward had no idea that a tiny, red heart-shaped keyring would get such a reaction as he cried on John’s shoulder.It wasn’t just a celebration of getting their own apartment, the independence, the space; it meant freedom and finally being together.To the outside, he and John were flatmates and they were both sure to choose a two bedroom apartment so it wouldn’t raise questions. But inside, on the inside it meant no more secrets, no more whispered ‘I love yous’ or sneaking into each other’s beds. It meant they could hold hands, kiss and be a couple.John had handed over Edward’s key with the enamel red heart keyring attached and he knew what it stood for. Finally, after five years of being together, he and John could really be together. At twenty-four years old, their lives had only just started.•John lightly trailed his fingers down Edward’s back before running them back up to his shoulders. Edward shrugged him off as his fingers started to make their way back down to the middle of his back. Edward didn’t want to be touched right now.He heard John sigh from behind and he winced, feeling like a disappointment, a failure and all he wanted to do was to lay down and cry.He continued to scowl at the wall in front of the bed, eyes determinately focused on one spot. John was laying next to him, his head against the pillows, looking at his back. Edward knew he was watching, he could feel his stare and all he wanted to do was lay down with him, cuddle with him and close his eyes but he couldn’t bear it right now. Couldn’t stand to see that look in John’s eyes again.So he didn’t. He stayed sitting up, elbows resting on bent knees, eyes burning a hole into the wall.“It’s okay,” John said gently, his hand returning to rub his back. Edward’s eyes closed at the contact and his head shook because it wasn’t okay. He had heard John’s frustrated sigh, saw him flop down onto his pillows. He was losing patience, Edward wasn’t stupid; he knew.“I need some water.” Edward’s voice was cracked as he got up and left the room without even looking back at John. He padded to the kitchen and ran the cold tap before getting a glass and filling it. John hadn’t followed, which he was glad about because he didn’t want to have that conversation again.Edward sat at the table, naked body sticking to the wooden chair. but he couldn’t care; couldn’t go back to bed.He stared at the untouched glass of water and folded his arms while visions of picking the glass up and throwing it at a wall ran through his mind, anything to get the frustration out. The thought led to how frustrated John must be and he felt sad again, anger washed away quickly. Edward just wanted a normal relationship, to do what normal couples did and just be normal.He frowned at the water, his mind reminding him that he must be the only twenty-six-year-old in the word that wasn’t having sex. Actually, there was one other person: John. But that wasn’t his fault, it was Edward’s. He had broken himself all those years ago.Edward had started to tell John after a while to go find someone else, someone who could give him what he needed. John never did, always reassured Edward that he gave him everything he needed and more and Edward was always silently relieved. Edward knew John loved him, they wouldn’t be doing all of this, all the secrets and risk involved if it wasn’t completely and utterly love. But he couldn’t help but doubt it, wonder if someone else may catch his eye if his urges would ever lead him into someone else’s bed.“Come to bed,” John’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts with a jump. He took a few steps forward, his eyes worried. “Don’t cry.”“I’m not,” Edward said before putting his hand up and finding that in fact, he had been crying. He wiped away the tears and looked at John, sadness raising in his chest.“I’m sorry John,” Edward whispered, wiping away any fresh tears that fell.John didn’t say anything, he didn’t need to as he pulled him up and took him by the hand and lead him back into the bedroom.John lay Edward down, pulling the quilt over and tucking it in around him. He walked around the bed to get into his side and wrapped his arms around him from behind. He pressed a firm kiss to the base of Edward’s neck as he put his hands over John’s and relaxed into him. John soon fell asleep while Edward laid for hours, listening to John’s quiet snores. He waited for sleep to finally take him but it never did.•Edward jolted awake with a start. Something had woken him but he didn’t know what. It was dark, pitch black in the room and he felt John next to him and knew he was awake too. “Thunder-” he mumbled sleepily as if he has been awake for much longer.“What’s the time?” Edward shifted onto his back and stretched as John checked his phone before saying: “half one,” and turning to face him. His hand was hot on Edward’s hip and he couldn’t help but wish he would move it down just a bit further.There was another clap of thunder and Edward wished the curtains weren’t so heavy so he could see the lightning. John said something that he didn’t hear, his mind too busy focusing on the weight of John’s hand. This rarely happened so he was excited and had to take action. He rested his hand over John’s, slowly guiding it down towards the arch in his pants. John rested his hand there for a second before applying some pressure, making Edward’s hips raise and press against him.He slipped his hand under the material of his tight boxers and stroked lightly, ghosting over the skin not nearly enough but too much all at once. Edward turned his head towards him even though it was far too dark to see anything. It had been weeks since the last time they even tried anything remotely sexual. It was like John was scared to come near Edward after the last time.Edward’s hand grabbed at the front of John’s pants, pulling the front down and hurriedly stroking him. It was rushed and John picked up his own pace, making his head spin. “Edward…” John breathed, making him flinch as Edward’s hand faltered slightly.His hand was suddenly gone and Edward missed it instantly but John was moving so he was leaning over him and straddling his hips, slowly rolling his hips against Edward’s. It felt good, amazing even and Edward couldn’t catch his breath.“Fuck, Edward,” John whined, picking up his pace grinding down harder. His voice was off-putting and as guilty as it made Edward feel, he needed him to be quiet so pulled him down for a kiss.John’s hand wrapped around both cocks, making Edward buck up into the tightness. He did the same, his hips moving at the same pace as Edward’s and it wasn’t long before he was coming, shaky moans being swallowed by Edward’s kiss.Edward followed a second or two later, finally getting the release he needed so badly as his orgasm ripped through his body.It was over quickly and they were soon laying next to each other in the darkness. He could hear John’s heavy breathing, the same as his own and it somehow made him feel secure knowing he was there.“I love you.” John moved and the quilt was soon over the both bodies, his arm draped over Edward, his body hot and solid.“I love you too,” Edward said not missing the weight behind the words because he did, more than John would ever know. Or perhaps he would know because he loved Edward just as much, he was sure of it. No matter how broken he was.•John was sleeping. Edward sat up in bed watching him in the Sunday morning glow of the warm sun. He thought John was beautiful but not in an egotistic way because they were identical because Edward could see so many differences that he had started to think they weren’t even that alike anymore. No, he thought John was the most beautiful thing on this earth and it took him back to when he was a teenager and he had to admire him from afar.But now he was Edward’s and his kisses and touches still sent sparks through his body, made him come alive with an electricity that was pure love. He didn’t know why it was so impossible to have sex with John, to get hard when he was with him because when you were so besotted with someone, weren’t you supposed to be intimate? It was a normal thing to do but he just couldn’t. It had been two weeks since the quick fumble in the dark and all he could think about was how he wished John would keep quiet. Edward thought about kissing him, stifling his moans and whispered words and he could still feel the relief when it worked and John was silent.Edward often thought about telling him. Telling him how this all came about and how he had conditioned his brain not to respond to him so he had no physical effect on Edward. But that would just upset him, the whole idea that he would rather maintain a bruise than feel anything for him. It upset him and he felt guilty like Edward had broken some kind of trust between them. No, he couldn’t tell him.John moved in his sleep, his eyes flickering behind his closed lids. Edward knew he was close to waking and he almost missed the peace of the moment. John shifted again and his eyes were opening as he stretched his body and yawned. “Morning,” he croaked, peeking from his one open eye.“Hey.” Edward smiled on reflex because smiling was a side effect of being with John and he hoped that he would never recover. “Does it creep you out that I watch you?”“No,” John smiled, not missing the humour in Edward’s words. “Because I watch you all the time-” he leant up to place a kiss to Edward’s lips before heading for the toilet. Edward watched him go, wishing he could give him more than a kiss on mornings like these.•“I’ve booked a holiday,” John said as Edward entered the room. It was first thing in the morning after he had given him the brush off again the night before.“What? Where?” Edward didn’t really care where the holiday destination was, his mind was too busy coming up with the worst case scenarios. This was his last chance. He was taking him away for one final holiday before he leaves Edward. Things will go back to how they were before they were together. Or worse, he’ll cut ties completely.“Edward, are you okay?” John asked, pulling him out of his vision of John finding someone new, his replacement. “You don’t look too happy about it?”“I am,” he said with a small smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “Of course I’m happy, it’s just last time I got sick on the flight so I was just thinking about that.”“Good news then, we’re not flying.” John said, “it’s a very long drive but no flights.” John turned his laptop around to face him, showing a tiny little cottage in the middle of nowhere.“You taking me there to murder me?” He asked, only half joking. John laughed as he shook his head, his body and face relaxed.“Yes Ed, I’m finally bored of you.” And that hit a nerve. There was a sinking feeling in Edward’s stomach, a tightness in his chest but he just smiled and said: “you love me far too much, don’t lie.”•It was raining and Edward was cold and wet. The journey to the cottage was a nightmare and he cursed John on more than one occasion but they finally arrived and the house was warm with a fire already burning.“It’s so old-fashioned,” John mumbled as he put the bags down by the front door and he was right. everything was floral patterns or knitted.“It’s sweet,” Edward told him, wrapping himself in one of the knitted blankets as he kicked off his wet runners. John looked at him with a hint of a smile, his eyes soft and Edward couldn’t help but notice something there. He looked at Edward like he was the only thing in the world like he was John’s world and he was Edward’s too.“I love you,” Edward said without even realising he had spoken. John’s smile widened before he returned the words, his eyes still shining, reflecting the fire.They ended up going to bed early in their onesies to fight the cold. Edward was sleepy and John was warm as he held him close. “We should’ve come in summer,” John said, his words rumbling in his chest where Edward’s head rested. “It’s freezing.”“It’s cosy,” Edward said as his eyes fell shut.“Are you glad we came?” John asked, his voice shaky, nervous. Edward sat up on his elbow to look at him with a slight frown and a reassuring “of course,” but he knew that wasn’t the full truth so Edward had to be honest. “I was- I’m scared.” He corrected, looking just above John’s head, his eyes tracing the pattern of his pillowcase.“For what?” He asked, shifting himself so he was facing Edward, his fingers coming up to draw invisible lines up and down his arm.The question was a heavy one and Edward didn’t know how to answer. did Edward dare tell him that ever since he had told him about coming, he had been picturing their break up? Edward could almost hear what John would say, word for word and those words, no matter how imaginary they were, felt real, felt impending.“Edward?”“You’re going to leave.” The words were almost whispered and caught in his throat. They felt rough and sharp.“Leave? To where?” John sat up now, leaning against the headboard as Edward sat up opposite him, his legs crossed and elbows on his knees.“Me. You’ll leave me…” Their eyes met in that moment and Edward saw it dawn on him as he added: “alone.”There wasn’t even a second of silence before John was shaking his head, a stream of 'no’s’ being hushed as he leant towards him to cup his face in his hands. “Why on earth would you think that Ed?”“Because-” Edward didn’t have an answer. Not really. He couldn’t explain, so he just shrugged.“I love you, that’s why we’re here. I thought we just needed time, alone and away from everything.”He planted a firm kiss on Edward’s forehead, his lips slightly cold from the chilly air. “I just want to get close to you again Edward, you’ve been so distant lately.”His words were laced with sadness and worry and Edward felt horrible yet relieved. Guilt crept in because he didn’t mean to be distant, he didn’t want to build barriers but he had to in order to spare John’s feelings.“I’m sorry,” Edward said, the truth on his tongue. He knew that he had to tell him, for him to understand. “Is it because of-” there was a pause before he whispered “my problem?” It was embarrassing and he felt his cheeks heat up against the cold of the room.“It’s not just about that, I don’t mind if you don’t want sex but you just won’t get close to me. It’s like you can’t bear the thought of being near me.” John looked really sad now and Edward wanted to go back to laying against him in a haze of sleepy warmth but it was too late. John thought he disgusted him and there was no way out of it.“When I was young, twelve or thirteen maybe-” Edward started his eyes everywhere but on John. “When I first realised that I loved you in more ways than I should, in a way you could never love back… I thought it was so wrong. I thought you would hate me because it’s weird right?”Edward chanced a look in his direction but didn’t really see his expression, didn’t look for long enough to read him. “I had no idea how you felt, all I knew that I was feeling things and it was having a physical effect that I couldn’t control. I knew I had to do something about it so I created a distraction, a way to focus on something else so I wouldn’t get hard or I would forget my dirty dream ever happened.”He looked at the bedding and swallowed hard, picking at a thread that was sticking out. Edward didn’t want to cry because he needed to finish explaining. “So I used to pinch myself, as hard as I could and the pain would override everything-” Edward absentmindedly rubbed his fingers over the spot that used to carry the bruise, John’s eyes lowering to watch his hand.“It got to the point that I would stop having dreams altogether. You would walk around naked and I wouldn’t feel anything, my body no longer reacted and I was relieved because I felt normal for once. I don’t know that I had broken myself, I had made it impossible to be intimate and I’m sorry.”Edward’s eyes met his and it was silent. The silence felt like it lasted forever but he wasn’t  sure if he wanted John to speak or not.“Why didn’t you tell me?” John asked sadly, his brow furrowed and lips tight.“I didn’t want to upset you.”John nodded and sighed, pulling at Edward’s arm until he was in his arms, tightly wrapped up in a safety net.“I wish you told me, Edward.” He said, “your brain just made a connection between getting turned on and pain, we can fix this.”Edward leant back to look at him again, his eyes glassy and sombre. He nodded once and John gave him a tiny smile as he nods too. “We just need to persevere, you’ll get there,” John says softly, pulling Edward back down against him.“Thank you.” Edward felt overwhelmed, exhausted and drained. He was tired and the cold had crept in while they were sitting up.“For what?” John asked, his voice just as tired.“For being you, I love you, John.”“I love you too Edward.”Edward smiled against his chest, feeling free like a weight had been lifted. He hadn’t realised how much of an effect it had been having on him until now.“Edward?” John whispered as sleep had started taking him. He hummed in response, too far into drowsiness to form words. “I could never leave you.”•Edward was up late the next day, emerging out of the room after lunch time. John was already up and Edward couldn’t believe his eyes when he entered the kitchen to find him making what looked like the beginnings of a cake. He never cooked, let alone baked and as he peeked over his shoulder with a questioning frown, John simply turned his head to kiss him.“What’s this?” He asked once John’s lips were no longer on his.“Cake,” he smiled like a proud parent, “I found a recipe book and was bored so I thought I would try. Does it look right to you?”Edward leant towards the mixing bowl and inspected the chocolately mixture. He was more concerned about the fact John had used all of the chocolate bars he had packed and Edward hoped this cake worked for his sake.“Yeah, looks good.” He settled on, choosing not to threaten him that if his cake didn’t work- he’s dead.Once the cake was in the oven and Edward had eaten a bowl of cereal, he and John settled down to watch a film. Neither bothered with getting dressed, it was still cold and no one else was going to see them.The film had got boring a long time ago and Edward couldn’t help but watch John instead of the TV. His brow was furrowed slightly as he watched, trying to follow the ridiculous storyline that had lost Edward ages ago. His teeth picked at the skin on his bottom lip as he watched and Edward felt the need to kiss him.“I’m bored,” Edward finally announced, “can we eat the cake?”“No, it’s cooling,” John said, knowing too well that it was cool enough by now. Edward groaned and John laughed which made him groan again.“Entertain me, John, I’m bored.”John glanced at Edward with a wicked glint in his eye that made him tense. He knew what John was thinking and the dread started to bubble in the pit of your stomach. He leaned closer, his face directly in front of Edward’s before whispering, “can I kiss you?”“You don’t need to ask John.” Edward closed the gap and kissed him slowly, lips and tongues moulding together. He was warm and there was something about his kiss that calmed Edward, dulled the dread a bit. Edward thought it was because he knew now, he knew what was wrong with him and he found comfort in that.“I love you, Edward,” he mumbled against Edward’s lips, not needing an answer as Edward pressed his lips firmly back onto John’s. “What do you want?” He asked, making Edward’s heart stop. What did he want? He didn’t even know and if Edward was honest, he was just happy kissing.But John was going to fix him. Edward couldn’t be fixed if he shied away so he shrugged and mumbled a small “I don’t mind.” John laughed a small, breathy chuckle as he shook his head. Edward didn’t really know what was funny but John was kissing him again so he didn’t care.His hand went to the front of Edward’s onesie, fingers pulling on the zip and the air was so cold on Edward’s exposed skin.“If you really want me to stop, tell me. I won’t do anything you don’t want to do, okay Edward?”His voice was low and heavy and Edward knew he was already half hard. He had no idea how he got so excited so quickly without so much as a touch but Edward wished he could do that too.John kissed Edward’s neck and collarbones, lowering his head so he kissed down his belly and hips. It felt nice, kind of comforting like when he played with his hair or rubbed his back and as he pulled the rest of the onesie off his legs, Edward knew where his mouth would end up.“Just relax-” John said before pressing more kisses to his thighs. Edward wasn’t hard and he felt awkward, his cheeks hot and body tense.They had only tried this twice before, both times ended with Edward pushing John away because it was too embarrassing. This time was going to be different Edward told himself and as John’s lips finally pressed against him, Edward knew you couldn’t push him away. He pressed a few gentle chaste kisses to the base of Edward’s dick, his right hand stroking him slowly. He couldn’t see what John was doing, choosing to keep his eyes firmly closed. Edward was worried that he opened them and looked, he would break the spell and ruin everything by freaking out.He was starting to get hot and flustered; his breaths were short and he could feel the nerves come alive in his body. His hips pushed up against John’s hand, seeking more. John shifted and Edward felt a sudden wet warmth surround him. His eyes flew open and connected with John’s straight away as he sucked Edward’s dick into his mouth. Edward closed his eyes again trying his hardest not to overthink and to just enjoy it.It felt good; warm and wet and one hundred times better than when John was using his hand. Edward briefly wondered how it felt to actually go all the way and be inside of John but the thought alone overwhelmed him.Edward wasn’t sure, it must have only been a matter of seconds before he was coming, too sudden to even warn John. He still didn’t look but he could feel John’s mouth surrounding him the whole time. He sucked his bottom lip into his mouth as he quietly whimpered, his eyes squeezed shut and his hips twitching. It was quick and John was soon pulling off, leaving Edward tired and boneless.When Edward finally opened his eyes, John was sitting up and grinning at him. He was very obviously hard and just as Edward’s eyes caught him, he said: “you don’t have to, don’t worry.” Edward felt guilty that John had done all that for him with nothing in return but he mostly felt relieved. He knew he wouldn’t be able to and he wanted to keep the nice feeling running through his body for as long as possible.“I love you,” John said as he leant down to kiss Edward’s lips. Edward received the kiss gratefully, his hands coming up to hold John’s shoulders, trying to keep him close.“I love you too,” Edward told him when John pulled away. “Thank you,” he added sheepishly, avoiding John’s stare.“You’re more than welcome,” John laughed, pecking Edward’s cheek, “we will sort this out. You’ll be okay.”He flopped down next to Edward, turning to face him. Edward turned towards him and they both smiled. This was it, Edward thought, what a real relationship should be like. He wanted to tell John, tell him how he felt but he was tired and he soon felt his eyes closing as he drifted off to sleep under John’s stare.•The cake was horrible and John looked devastated so Edward ate most of it with a smile, commenting on how nice it was every now and then. He suspected that John knew he was lying but John brightened up and looked pleased with himself nevertheless.By the time Edward had woken up, it was late in the evening and he felt bad that he had spent most of the day sleeping. John was picking at a bit of leftover cake when Edward said it, out of the blue. John had chocked on his mouthful of cake and looked at Edward like he was speaking Russian.“What?” John asked after a while and Edward suddenly felt nervous, worried that John was opposed to the idea. He didn’t want to say it again, especially because now the words were planned. Before, he just said them without thinking about it, this time, he knew what he was getting into.“Erm…” Edward looked back at the cake and considered shoving the rest of it in his mouth because awful tasting cake was the better option right now. “Can I… Y'know?” Edward looked at John and back at the cake as he spat out “suck your dick.” His cheeks were burning red and he just wanted to die. He stuffed a bit of cake into his mouth, hoping he would choke to death. But he didn’t, so he guessed he had to look back at John, who looked even more confused than before.“If you don’t want to-”“I want to!” John’s words made Edward jump, they were so loud and sudden. “It’s just, do you want to?”“Yeah,” Edward said, “I was thinking about it earlier and I want to learn. It felt so good and I want you to feel that good too.” John went back to looking shocked and Edward was fast going off the idea. He wanted to do something for John but also learn it himself. John was right, he had to get past this, recondition his brain and this was how.“Okay-” John breathed, looking nervous.“Why are you nervous?” Edward asked, feeling stressed by the whole thing already.John shrugged as he met Edward’s eyes. “I dunno, I don’t want you to do it if you don’t want to.”Edward took a step towards him and smiled. John was always so ready to put Edward’s feelings and needs before his own. “I do John, promise.”John sprung forward and kissed Edward passionately. It was hot and needy and all Edward could think about was what John would taste like down there. He wondered if it was a different taste or the same comforting taste of John.He broke the kiss and pulled on John’s tracksuit bottoms as he lowered himself to the floor. John looked wild; his hair was sticking up and his eyes were wide and glassy as he stared down at him.Edward lowered his eyes and licked his lips, unsure what the hell his next move was supposed to be. Was he supposed to just put it in his mouth? John had kissed him, built it up and touched him but this felt different because John was already getting hard. He briefly wondered how on earth John was always so ready, so quick to react but Edward had to concentrate so reminded himself to ask John later.He wrapped his right around the base of his dick and felt himself blush furiously. He didn’t look up at John, couldn’t face it and Edward wondered if he should ask. But asking would be stupid, you don’t ask someone to help you through sucking their dick.So he moved closer, licking his lips again for good measure. The slightest touch against Edward’s lips and he was jumping back like he had been burned. He didn’t mean to and John was saying something along the lines of 'you don’t have to’ but he was determined to do it.Edward closed his eyes, opened his mouth and forced himself forward. He only got the tip in his mouth because it was more difficult than it looked and he wasn’t even sure how he was supposed to get more in. John made a small noise and it spurred him on, made him feel like he could do it, that John was liking it.He gave an experimental suck and John made a louder sound above him so he went with it, repeating the sucking motions. Edward’s brain was almost melting, it was working in overdrive. He had no idea what he was supposed to be doing and he felt awkward and embarrassed.He leant back, letting John fall from between his lips before saying “I’m doing it wrong aren’t I?” And finally looking up at John.Edward was quite surprised by John’s appearance. His eyes were blown, lips red and bitten and hands gripping the edge of the kitchen counter so hard, his knuckles were white.“You’re doing good Ed.” His voice was hushed and low and Edward felt a bolt of confidence run through him.“Really?”“Yeah, you just need to…” John took a shaky before saying “move a bit.” Edward frowned at him, his newfound confidence dissolving. “it’s just… It’s…” John bit his lip and released it as he thought. “Too much.”“Too much?” Edward repeated, his embarrassment levels close to killing him altogether.“Yeah, it’s too sensitive there,” John explained, “it gets too much.”Edward nodded and looked back at his dick. He chewed his lip and tried to make a plan but he didn’t know how he was going to do it. He didn’t want John to be uncomfortable; that was the opposite of what this was for.He leant forward again, moving forward more once John was in his mouth and he found that he could fit more in his mouth, just not as comfortably. He couldn’t breathe as easy and had to come up for air and that’s when he found a rhythm, found a way to do it.Edward could hear John moaning and he desperately wanted him to like what he was doing. He wanted John to feel like he had when John had done this for him.He didn’t sink down enough to gag or choke, didn’t dare and he had just got into it when John hit him twice on the shoulder, mumbling something that Edward didn’t understand.He came a second afterwards and Edward gagged, flying back to avoid it. The rest of it ended up on his chin and chest and Edward was silently grossed out. He had stopped touching John altogether and felt bad because John had stroked and sucked him the whole way through his climax.“Fuck-” John breathed, his cheeks pink.Edward stood up, wiping his face on his sleeve and cringing. “Sorry I let go, it’s just-”His words were cut off by John’s lips crashing onto his, hard and rough. He kissed back, one hand holding the back of his head, keeping him in place. “I love you,” John whispered through kisses, making Edward giggle.“I love you too,” he smiled, leaning back to look at John’s face. “Next time it’ll be better.”“You were perfect, you are perfect,” John said, kissing him once more. Edward’s cheeks were still pink but he could handle that. It was worth the embarrassment and awkwardness because he was safe with John, comfortable with John but more importantly; loved by John.•“How do you feel?” John asked out of the blue that night. Edward was just starting to drift off after they had said their final goodnights a while ago. Edward’s back was facing John but he felt him turn around to face Edward as he asked. Edward guessed that the emphasis on the word 'feel’ meant that John was not just asking how he felt in general.“Good,” Edward mumbled, hoping that would satisfy John and he would settle back down.“Are you doing okay?” John whispered back. Edward opened his eyes and turned himself around to see John’s face.It was very dark and Edward couldn’t really see him but he could make out his shape. “I’m fine, what brought this on?” He asked, finding John’s hand under the covers and holing it.“I was just thinking,” John answered but Edward knew there was more to it.“About?” Edward asked, feeling the last bit of sleepiness leave him. He was more concerned with John’s feelings now.“How come you’re so quiet?” John asked before adding, “whenever we do stuff. You’re silent.”Edward shifted and turned his head so he wasn’t looking at John. He knew John couldn’t see him in the darkness but he still felt his stare.“It’s embarrassing.” He stated simply. John huffed out a small laugh and Edward felt stupid and he thought he was doing so well. “It’s not funny,” he snapped as he turned around back to his original sleeping position.“I’m not laughing,” John defended, running his palm over Edward’s back. “I’m not, but it’s just a bit funny because it’s only me Ed, you can’t be embarrassed.”Edward didn’t answer because he couldn’t explain it. He didn’t know why he found it awkward but he did. What was he supposed to do, moan like some kind of pornstar? But John did when Edward gave him a blowjob and he didn’t sound ridiculous, he sounded nice; Edward liked it.“Edward?” John poked him in the back and when he didn’t answer, he poked him twice more.“I don’t know, I’ll sound stupid,” he said, turning to lay on his back to stop John digging his finger in again.“No, you won’t!” John almost sounded offended and Edward couldn’t help but smile at his gasped words. “I can’t think of a better sound, and I can’t help but think about how you would sound…”“Really?” Edward smiled through a fiery blush. It sounded crazy to Edward that John would lust after him. He couldn’t understand why; there was nothing sexy about him at all.“Yeah,” John said and Edward could hear his smile. “Of course I do.”Edward laughed again, falling silent when he felt John’s lips on his neck. He dotted kisses over his neck and jawline, kissing his cheek once before dropping back down to his neck.Edward’s breath hitched and without realising it, his hand had wrapped around the back of John’s neck, running up through his hair and keeping him firmly in place. “I want to hear you, Ed,” John mumbled before nipping at his pause point. “I want to make you moan, to hear you say my name…”Edward huffed out a breath. John’s words were making him feel things and he was excited at the thought of getting excited. It rarely happened without John working for it and here he was, just taking and kissing him and Edward could feel it.“John, I-” Edward didn’t really know to finish that sentence. Didn’t know if you were supposed to actually tell the person you’re with that that you’re getting hard. But John seemed to understand as his hand found the front of Edward’s pyjama bottoms and palmed him slowly.Edward bit his lip and let out a long shaky breath. “I want to hear you Edward-” John mumbled, leaning down to suck the side of Edward’s neck. He bit down and Edward tightly sealed his lips on reflex. John’s hand gripped him through his bottoms but Edward was too worried about making noise to enjoy it.He tried to open his mouth, to breathe and relax but he was self-conscious.“Just do it, let go-” John hushed, moving to the next spot of flesh to kiss. Edward huffed out a breath, parting his lips but not making any sounds. He couldn’t, didn’t dare.“Can I try something new?” John asked suddenly, leaning up to look at Edward, even though he couldn’t see him in the dark. Edward nodded and quickly added a whispered “okay”.“Take off your pyjamas,” John said before his weight left the bed, all contact lost. Edward heard him removing his clothes and he quickly did the same. He had no idea what John wanted to do and it made him nervous. John got back onto the bed and kissed him again, his hand going right back to stroking him. Edward closed his eyes and opened his mouth in a silent moan, sucking in a long breath.“Okay,” John whispered, “I’m going to use my fingers.”“For what?” Edward asked without thinking. The answer suddenly dawned on him an all he could do was say: “oh.”John huffed out another little laugh and kissed him quickly. “You don’t have to, we can do something else.”“No, no it’s cool,” Edward said, his brain trying to work out how it was all going to work. Did John want him on all fours? Would he have to do anything to prepare?“Sure?” John asked, moving around in the darkness. Edward was glad that he couldn’t see him because he could just imagine what his face looked like. He was nervous and bright red and he was thankful for the dark for John’s benefit this time.“Yeah, tell me what to do.” Edward waited for a few moments before John was still and focusing on him again. He stroked him more firmly, pausing to lick his hand before bringing it back.“Just lay there and-” John let go of his hold to gently push Edward’s knees up so the heels of his feet were almost pressed against his arse. He put a hand on each knee and slowly opened his legs, spreading them so Edward was laying butterfly and that really got Edward burning up. He felt so exposed, even in the dark.“I’m going to use the lotion, I bought some that smells like strawberries.”“Oh-” Edward said, not really knowing how to make conversation while in this position.“It’ll just be one finger, to begin with, and I won’t add another until you’re ready,”Edward nodded and squeezed his eyes shut, waiting for the intrusion. John brought a slick finger between his arse cheeks and started stroking him again using his other hand. Edward was momentarily impressed with his multitasking skills until John pushed, slipping his index finger inside and making Edward gasp.“Okay?” He whispered, sounding nervous himself. “Okay, Edward?”Edward nodded again, not able to find his words. It felt strange but not horrible.“Edward? Is this okay?” John asked again and Edward knew he had to speak so mumbled a quick “yes.”John Slowly moved his finger, pulling it almost fully out before pushing again all the way in. Edward’s mouth hung open as he concentrated on the feel of John’s hands. It was nice and dirty and Edward was actually fully hard and turned on which he silently celebrated.“Let me hear-” John said as he pushed his finger in again, harder this time. Edward made the tiniest little grunting sound by accident, making John whisper “good, relax” in return. It was so different and Edward didn’t know how to feel. He liked it, but it felt too intimate and he couldn’t fully enjoy the feeling.John bent his knuckle Inside of him and that felt new. It felt strangely nice and Edward felt himself relax into it. He chewed his bottom lip, silently squirming under John’s John’s touch.John moved his hand and bent a finger and it was like setting off a firework. Edward heard himself cry out, his voice raspy and loud in the quiet room but he couldn’t care, all he could focus on was the pleasure running through his body.John said something Edward didn’t hear before brushing his finger over the same spot. Edward didn’t know what to do with himself, all he could feel was waves of pleasure that were different than anything he’d felt. He closed his eyes and let out a low groan, unable to stifle any noise now.  John groaned in response and it made Edward smile. He quite liked the idea of John getting off to touching him, hearing him so he took a shaky breath and groaned out a hushed “John”, extending the 'o’ sound.John shifted and covered Edward’s lips with his own, his fingers still in place, touching that spot every other thrust. It was all getting too much for Edward, he could feel his climax approaching, John’s lips swallowing his whimpers and moans.It all happened so suddenly and without John even touching his dick, Edward was coming- loudly.He gasped and cried out, shouting John’s name, moaning and whimpering and he had never felt so liberated and free. It spurred him on and he knew he was getting louder but didn’t care as John kept rubbing the spot through his orgasm.When Edward opened his eyes, he could feel the rhythmic jerks of John touching himself next to him and propped himself up. He felt dazed and slightly dizzy but pushed it aside as he pulled John’s hand away and replaced it with his own. John hummed as Edward tightened his fist and picked up the pace.John was louder than he usually was and Edward loved it. He had a newfound appreciation for it and listening to John’s moans was like listening to the best song ever made, for his ears only.“That was fun,” John said after a few minutes of laying in silence. “That was really fun.”Edward laughed and nodded as he took hold of John’s hand. “That was crazy,” he laughed, only blushing a bit. He didn’t dare imagine what it would feel like if John used something else rather than his fingers.“Good job there are no neighbours, I think we would’ve woken them up,” John said before they both laughed.“I loved it,” Edward admitted, “there’s no shutting me up now John.”“Good.” They fell back into silence, sleepiness creeping back into Edward’s bones. He was spent and felt like he needed to sleep for at least three days to recover. John wriggled around to settle down for the night, his hand still clasped with Edward’s as they settled into sleep.•John was awake before Edward, sitting up on one elbow and watching him. Edward opened his eyes, looking straight up at him. He was tired and hadn’t shaken the sleep away fully when John leant down to kiss him and it was purely a reflex when Edward dodged the kiss, his hand shooting out and lightly pushing against John’s chest, keeping him at arm’s length.Edward fully woke up the second it had happened so he didn’t miss the hurt all over John’s face. “Sorry-” he mumbled as he sat up to look at John, who was moving away, turning his back towards Edward.“It’s okay, don’t worry.” John’s legs were out of the bed and he was standing up as he spoke. His voice was flat and Edward knew it wasn’t okay, especially after the night before.“John, I was confused. I was half asleep and-”“It’s okay,” he said, turning to look at Edward once before saying “I’m going to have a shower and then we’ll have breakfast.”Edward watched him leave, feeling sad and disappointed. He didn’t mean to flinch away and it was nothing to do with John, he just reacted on instinct. He laid back and thought about the night before and how happy he was, how happy John was and now he’s ruined it. Edward knew he had to speak to him, it was their last day and he didn’t want their weekend away to end badly.He got up and let himself into the bathroom without knocking. John was leaning over the sink shaving, stopping to look at Edward through the mirror. Edward offered a small smile which John returned before he went back to shaving. “Are you mad?” Edward ventured, shifting his weight to lean against the door frame.“No, I said it’s fine Edward. Don’t worry.” John flicked his eyes to him in the mirror as he ran the razor down his cheek.“What’s the matter then?” Edward watched him for a moment before John turned around to look at him. He had caught himself shaving and had started to bleed a bit just under his bottom lip.“We’ve had so much fun and I’m happy for you but-” John paused, swiping his hand over his chin and wiping away the blood.“What?” Edward prompted, taking a step forward into the bathroom. John looked uncomfortable, almost nervous but Edward could definitely see that he was upset.“It’s me isn’t it?” He finally said, “you still can’t look at me when we do stuff, your natural reaction this morning was to avoid me.”“I didn’t avoid you, John,” Edward said quickly, taking another step towards him. “I hadn’t woken up properly and you surprised me, that’s all.”John turned back to the mirror to splash some water onto his face, rinsing away any leftover soap and the small amount of blood on his chin. Edward watched him, desperately wanting John to smile and tell him it’s okay, to laugh, to pull him in for a kiss or a cuddle. He knew telling John the truth would hurt him and this proved that. He hadn’t forgotten about it like Edward had hoped and he obviously took it more to heart than he let Edward know.“I’m sorry-” Edward mumbled, looking at his bare feet. They were wet where John insisted on getting water literally everywhere whenever he bathed, but Edward never minded; he would always mop up after him. “I’m sorry I moved away, I’m sorry I’m so difficult and I’m sorry that I even told you because you’re upset.”“You don’t need to be sorry Edward,” John said as he faced him again. His voice and face were softer now but he was still upset. “It’s not your fault, I know that.”“I really do love you.” Edward reached out and took John’s hand in his. He was grateful for the contact, he loved being next to John, to touch him and know he’s there.“I know you do,” John said, the corners of his mouth turning up slightly. “And I love you.”Edward leant forward, resting his body weight against him and pressing a firm kiss to his lips. He needed John to know that he was better, he wanted to kiss him, to fool around and have sex.The thought hit Edward like a train. He felt his skin burn up as the words played in his head. He wanted to have sex with John. Full sex, proper sex and he wanted the lights on so he could look at John.He pulled away, his eyes meeting John’s and all he could think about was what he would like while Edward fucked him. While he fucked Edward. He wasn’t sure which way he liked the thought of most.“What?” John asked, “why are you looking at me like that?”Edward broke into a smile but didn’t answer, he just pressed another to John’s lips as he slid his hands up and down his bare back.John grunted as Edward kissed him deeper, his hands pushing John’s body further into his own. Edward could taste the soap that John shaved with but it didn’t matter, as long as John kept kissing him, Edward was happy.John took a few slow steps, guiding Edward backwards as they kissed. He knew John would stop and ask Edward what he wanted or if he wanted to continue so Edward broke the kiss, took John’s hands and pulled him into the bedroom.“Edward-” John breathed, his small voice surprised at the sudden shift in Edward’s behaviour.“I really do want you, John,” Edward whispered as he gently pushed John so he was sitting on the bed. “It’s not you, I know it isn’t. This morning made me realise that it’s never been because of you, it was always me. But you’ve shown me how to have fun-” Edward paused and sat next to him, hands holding John’s tightly.“I want to have sex.” Edward quickly said before adding “with you… Obviously”John looked back at him with wide eyes. He was surprised, Edward could tell but he could also see that John was excited. He must be desperate, Edward thought and mumbled: “you’ve been so patient.” John opened his mouth to speak as he shook his head but Edward got in first. “You’ve waited years John.”“But that’s okay,” John quickly said, “I don’t mind. Don’t do it because you think you need to.”Edward smiled as he leant forward to kiss John again. “I want to,” he mumbled against John’s lips. John kissed him harder and Edward felt a jolt of excitement. This was it, everything had built up to this and Edward was finally fixed. He felt the urge to giggle but John’s lips were dominating his so he couldn’t; he just kissed him back.John put his hands on Edward’s shoulders and gently pushed him back so he was laying, his legs hanging off the bed. John moved to kneel beside him, bending over him to kiss his neck and chest. He was hesitant and Edward could see that he was nervous.Edward lightly pushed John away to allow himself room to wriggle up the bed so he was resting on the pillows. He held John’s arms and pulled him on top of him, John’s weight hot against his body. It felt familiar and safe, warm and comforting; It was just John and Edward loved him.“Which way do you wanna do it?” John asked as he pulled back to look at Edward’s face. Edward wasn’t sure, he wanted to know how it would feel to have John inside of him, hitting that spot again and again. John knew how to do it, he reasoned, he proved that the night before with his fingers. Edward couldn’t do that without John teaching him and he didn’t think now was the right time for lessons so he mumbled a quick “fuck me”.John almost growled at Edward’s words before leaning down to kiss him again, wet and fast.Edward grunted and bucked his hips up against John, thanking the stars that he was already naked.John dipped his head to suck on a spot of skin on Edward’s neck, his hips grinding down against Edward’s. He felt himself heat up but Edward thought that this time, it was because of arousal, not embarrassment. He thought about the night before and how keen John was to hear Edward and how exciting it was to be vocal. He let out a quiet moan as John bit down and he heard John let out a deep moan in return.John’s hand slid down Edward’s body before he gripped him firmly and started stroking him. Edward groaned, arching his back and pressing further into John. He knew he wouldn’t last much longer so Edward pulled on John’s arm, making John let go of him before bringing his hand up to his face. Edward sucked in two of John’s fingers, twirling his tongue around them and mimicking what he had done when he had given John that blowjob.John’s eyes burned into him, his bottom lip between his teeth and cheeks pink.Edward pulled John’s fingers from his mouth and guided them back down his body, passing his hard cock as he opened his legs- just how John had positioned him the night before. John didn’t waste any time as he entered Edward quickly and started bending his finger, moving it quickly and finding that spot almost straight away.Edward gasped and moaned, desperate for more, desperate for John. “You’re beautiful,” John told him, his voice low and hushed as if he was telling Edward a secret. Edward smiled up at him, taking his image in so he could remember this moment forever. How could he have pushed John away for all those years? He couldn’t believe what he had been missing out on but more importantly, Edward couldn’t believe how much he had been hurting John. Although John had always denied it, Edward knew he had hurt his feelings; he just loved Edward too much to tell him.“I love you, John.”“I love you, Edward.”John’s fingers were suddenly gone as he reached for some lotion and Edward watched him squirt a handful into his palm before slicking himself up with it. He suddenly felt nervous, an excited kind of nervousness that made him want to laugh and run at the same time. He didn’t know what to expect other than pain but he knew it wouldn’t hurt for long. He knew John wouldn’t hurt him.“Ready?” John whispered, the same nervous- excitement reflecting in his eyes. Edward gave a nod, not taking his eyes off John’s. He watched John’s face as he lined himself up and pushed in slowly. Edward’s mouth opened in a silent gasp, his body tensing and breath taken. It burned and it felt too tight, too much but then John was fully inside and not moving and it felt slightly better.“Okay? Does it hurt?” John asked, his eyes full of worry.“Yeah-” Edward breathed, “but it’s good, it’s okay.”Edward breathed a long slow breath, feeling himself relax around John. He could see John was barely holding on so grunted “move” while tapping John’s arm. John wasn’t going to last, Edward could tell and he wanted it to be good for him.He pulled out slightly before pushing back in and Edward was surprised that it wasn’t awful. The burn was there and he still felt the strange 'full’ feeling but it was okay. John repeated his tiny movements a few times before building it up until he was pulling out almost the whole way. His thrusts were getting harder and faster and Edward couldn’t think, couldn’t concentrate on anything other than these new feelings and the closeness of it all.“I love you so much,” John whispered, his right hand wrapping around Edward’s cock. Edward moaned and opened his mouth to return the words when John angled his hips differently and hit that spot, making Edward cry out.He gripped onto John who repositioned himself so he could hit that spot with almost every snap of his hips. Edward couldn’t take it, between John’s thrusts and his hand, Edward was soon coming undone, shouting John’s name up to the skies.John finished first, his hips stuttering and a long stream of Edward’s name and little moans falling from his open mouth. Edward could feel it and it added to the hotness, to his own building realise. “Fuck Edward,” John whispered, leaning over to rest his forehead against Edward’s shoulder, his hips picking up the pace again. “You’re all I’ve ever wanted, all I will ever want,” he continued, his hand twisting and pumping faster. “I love you, I love you so much and I always will…”Edward came with a long shout, drowning out John’s words as he continued touching him through his climax. Every nerve in his body felt like fire and Edward never wanted it to end, could stay in this moment forever.When he opened his eyes, John had pulled out and was laying half on top of Edward, half on the bed. He was hot and sticky but so was Edward, so it didn’t matter.They both lay in silence, listening to each other’s heavy breathing. Edward turned his head to face John, who was looking back at him with a lazy smile. “Okay?”Edward grinned and nodded, feeling a little sore as he turned his body towards John’s. His thighs hurt from where his knees were pushed up to his chest and there was a dull ache coming from his arse. He didn’t mind so didn’t tell John.“I love you.” Edward kissed John’s lips slowly before shifting himself closer so their bodies were touching. He snuggled into him and listened to John’s breathing even out as he too fell asleep.•By the time they had woken up and eaten, it was time for them to leave. Edward felt a little bad that they didn’t go on many walks to explore the beautiful countryside that surrounded them. But he was more focused on being surrounded by John and that was just as beautiful, he reasoned.The return journey wasn’t as bad as before. Edward had slept on the bus then again on the train, leaving John board and alone. Not that he complained.In between sleeping, Edward worried that going back home would bring back all his problems. He was happy in their own little bubble in the middle of nowhere, just him and John. What if going home broke him again? He would look at John with worried eyes and John would smile, a smile only they knew the meaning of and Edward would relax again for the time being.John comforted Edward even when he didn’t know he was doing it and Edward loved him for it. He wished he could kiss him but settled on putting his hand on John’s knee hidden by Edward’s coat that was laying across his lap.“Finally-” John moaned as he opened their front door and thew down the bags. “Let’s order some food, are you hungry?”Edward nodded and shut the door, taking a moment to scan the familiar surroundings. He suddenly missed the little old lady cottage.“What’s up?” John asked as he watched him move away from the door and into the kitchen.“Nothing. Tea?” Edward started filling the kettle but John stopped him, his eyes burning into Edward’s. “What if coming home ruins everything?” Edward said, “what if things go back to how they were?”John looked at him for a second before leaning in for a kiss. Edward received it gratefully, thankful for the contact.“See?” John smiled, “the same.”Edward nodded and carried on filling the kettle. “Forget the tea, why don’t we put it to the test?” John said as he spun Edward around to face him. He had a wicked smile on his lips that effected Edward way more than it should. John smirked and took him by the hand, leading him into the bedroom.“Anyway, it’s your turn-”John said casually as he undone Edward’s jeans. Edward pulled them down his thighs with a frown, asking “for what?”John was taking off his own jeans when he looked at Edward, his smile widening as he said: “it’s your turn to fuck me.”Edward paused, letting that sink into his brain, but more importantly, John’s words went straight to his crotch. He watched John undress before laying on the bad, looking up at him with a sparkle in his eyes.Any worry Edward had was completely forgotten about as he lunged forward, connecting his and John’s lips in a heated kiss as he laid on top of him.“Remember though,” John said as Edward pulled away to look at him. “We have neighbours, so no screaming.” Edward laughed and leant down to kiss John’s neck. He wasn’t sure if John heard him mumbling a quiet “I can’t promise that.”

“I’m so happy I have you,” he said, leaning towards Edward and resting his head on his shoulder. Edward pulled him closer, wrapping both arms around his body and pressing a kiss to the top of his head.“You’ve always got me.” John leant back to look Edward before kissing him. Edward kissed him back and thought back to the church and how he felt that day. It seemed like a million years ago now, like he was a different person altogether.John broke the kiss and looked at him with a wide smile before leaning back down on his shoulder to sleep. Edward gave him a squeeze and thought about all the things John had said that night with a smile. Edward was finally happy and he didn’t care about how wrong it was supposed to be because he loved John and John loved him and he could see now, that’s all he ever needed.

John slumped down onto the lid of the toilet to catch his breath, watching Edward look at him, his eyes running over John’s body.“You owe me,” Edward finally said, “you can do me next time.” John gave a half-hearted smile and a nod as Edward turned to leave the room with a smile of his own.