#jazzythoughts

Have you ever think that you’re a failure as a friend? Have you ever felt that no one trusts you? Have you ever felt that no one will try to say a thing to you that is worth keeping?

If you’re going to ask me those questions, well, remember this day because this is the day that I finally realized that I know nothing about my friends. I let those thoughts to go away and replace it with good things and that is to be contented with the friends I have and to cherish the days that I spent with them.

But this day came and realizations really hit me hard this time. I know I’m not really trying my best to open up to them and I’m not really sharing some deep secrets to them, because I just want us all to be happy, no dramas. But…hearing some words they’re are talking about that I don’t even have any idea that it exists between them really hurt me.

No one in my circle of friends really tried to tell me something, just any stuff. I’m not complaining (but of course I sounded like one) the even sad part here is, I will only know something if one of my friends suddenly said it unintentionally. And I will act as if it’s okay to me, but hell no, it’s not.

I'm really curious, because when I was a kiddo, I was very energetic and social and I apparently liked doing stuff with others (as in, play and do schoolwork with others), but I also didn't mind being alone. (This is because dad told me that when I started kindergarten, I had told him to go home. My parents were allowed to be with me the first few days since I didn't know any swedish at the time haha

how did I manage though. I really wanna see that happen hm...)

aNYWAY

then I started to change a bit. I can't quite remember when (as I didn't really think of it until like a year or two ago;;) but it must have been between I was 10 and 12. I have my reasons for these particular years, but that's not important in this post.

around then, I started to become extremely shy and I somewhat started to dislike social situations. I had like, three people in my class that I could call friends in 4th and 5th grade (10-11y (11-12 depending on when you're born yada yada)

then 6th grade came along and I just wanna forget those years. like why did you happen.

by now I wasn't just shy - I had become a bit of a pushover. I'm usually polite and helpful, but yeah I did some stuff against my will. Nothing serious, but still things that I wasn't entirely comfortable with. My biggest problem then was that I couldn't speak my mind. I was very quiet (except for when answering questions) and when someone said something that I disagreed with, I couldn't speak up. I was afraid of being pushed down. That's how they guys in my class were then. (imagine having 17 confident, somewhat popular/infamous bullies in your class that you see almost everyday)

and then?? in 9th grade (when I was 16) some lid just sort of broke. Idk if the guys got a bit nicer (I mean, they were just as horrible, maybe just not as often?) but I started to talk more and gained confidence. I even gathered the courage to dress in fancy suits u v u (I was so self-conscious of my fashion sense back then orz)

and then I started gymnasiet (sorta like high school/college), got a new class, new teacher and. I had decided on a new start. When I met those new faces I realised that I hadn't been content before at all - far away from happy.

and boom something happened. The teachers arranged a meet before summer so everyone could see each other before the actual school year started. it was weird, because in the beginning it was awkward - I think only 3-4 people knew each other since before or something idk (then again we were only 13 at the beginning)

but then I. I started to talk and joke and socialise. and I had fun.

since then I've been more outgoing again, and also more happy.

I was happy before too, mind you. I went to conventions and made friends there, I had my best friend, I had my family etc etc. But now I'm happy almost every day u v u