#jazzink

Just rambling down here

But this is a feeling I've been battling with for a long time now, and I'm still working on it!

But at work, I seem to know who I am, I have confidence and personality! I enjoy myself!

But at home.. I just feel .. empty

Like I lose my sense of identity. I don't know how to be me, around me!

Hobbies feel bland and like too much effort. I tend to switch between gaming and reading and mostly brain rotting on YouTube.

I honestly don't know what I would do without my therapist. He helps me feel not so bad. He says I'm in my incubation period and I seek rest and simple things due to my long burnout and brush with manic episodes.

I just miss feeling excited about art. About things. I miss stimming with joy. Everything is just quieter now, calmer.

I have mixed feelings about the home. I love home, it's my place of comfort and rest. I hate Home. It's my box. My cage. My tower.

I'm just still figuring out things. The marker doodles have been helping. Even if nobody else cares about them. Reading has been nice. I'm trying to absorb it's flowery language. Puzzle games are fun for a bit. But God, do I have a short attention span. Took me weeks to get in this art!

But I felt like it needed to be done, I must get this feeling on paper. "If my hands are not doing, creating, fixing, are they even worth anything?" "If I'm not thinking anything, am I even a real person? An I alive? "

I am a being that struggles with rest, and yet I'm trying to be content in it. And I do default to rest and it frustrates me that I do!!!