I’ve been listening to this album on repeat from the second it came out, and it’s not even my favorite song on it, but “Rainbow” is so good for post-Alduin Jazbay... dude had a nice solid 19 years of going through various stages of hell and it was so close to destroying his integrity and moral center, but he survived it. Yeah, damaged and exhausted, but also stronger, more loved, and more loving than ever. “What’s left of my heart’s still made of gold” is just the jackpot of the Alduin battle.

I’ve gone on and on about how Jazbay’s parents messed him up, but his ex boss did a number on him too Because as emotionally neglected as he was by his folks, it was this lady - a bitter old altmer apothecary - who wrecked his nerves and dignity. She took one hell of an advantage of a 16 year old kid who ran away from home, taking him in as an apprentice, but doing a lot of shit because she could get away with it. Like, she was constantly on his case over everything - she’d ostentatiously demand to know “what’s the damn racket” if he made any sort of noise, so within weeks he would be afraid of making any unnecessary sounds. She always went on about how generous she was, and how ungrateful he was, and it played hell on his already well-nourished “i am an unnecessary expense and don't deserve things" neurosis. She didn’t teach him much, aside from things she needed him to know to help run the shop. She didn’t bother giving him a bed and didn’t give him much food, so he learned to deal with sleeping on the floor and eating leftovers, and learn to feel guilty for wanting something better, since he’s “alright” with the bare minimum. She basically dogged him at every turn, and to top that off - she was lonely. And as much as she treated him like shit, she also liked having someone around who would be worried if she suddenly decided she was weak and sick and nobody loved her, and who she could accuse of not giving a damn and being selfish just to have them apologize and assure her that they care very much. And she was a frail old woman, Jazbay couldn't help feeling like he had to excuse her and listen to her - humility and forgiveness are the noble thing to do, right? Jazbay was closed off and shy enough when he left home, but there was a lot if foolhardyness in him; he left as much for believing his family would be better off without him as for believing he’d be better off without them, but that lady steadily ground that out of him, and when/if he revisited these memories as an adult, he'd realize she almost bullied him into an early grave, be it by shitty care, lack of workplace safety, or by sheer misery. And there is no denying that she was miserable. She was lonely and tge product of a long, harsh life. But one of the strongest themes in Jazbay is a cycle of abuse, and how he refuses to stay in it; he escapes the endless loop of his parents' mutual hatred, he gets put under the thumb of someone who perpetuates the misery she was dealt, and in the end he won't allow himself to pay it forward the way they did, as hard and painful as it was. But it also takes him some time after coming to Skyrim - after finding real friends, after becoming idependent, after becoming powerful - to remember that he didn't always feel so worthless; that several years before he at least believed he deserved something better than his minefield of a home life, and when he'd start tracing the start of believing he's not worth anything, he'd arrive back at these three long, friendless years in Bruma, when he lived day to day and lost sight of the dreams that made him strike out in the first place.