#jarrations

I always try not to be bothered with labels, but clearly I grew up with being called a lesbian (although my mother is still in doubt and stands to her word, that I should just try to be with a guy to really know and really be sure about it, but that's another thing). Most of my biological family knows about it, I am pretty much out of the closet, also to most of my friends and the huge bunch of shitty people I went to school with. I had to deal with bullying in school a lot, but not because they thought I was gay.. I think the times were a little different back then but yeah .. anywaaays, so I had hate thrown at me from many sites but never really cared all too much about it, since the only people I really cared about had my back (more or less, but that is also another chapter). But the, let's say, past 3 years I had more and more difficulty to deal with myself and deal with that label I lived with. Lesbian. I am torn between the "the fuck I care, call me whatever you want, I know what I am and what I like and it does not matter at all what you call me" and the "please tell me what I am, I don't know anymore, please give me a correct label since I cannot identify with myself and feel the label 'lesbian' does not suit me and I feel so lost and disconnected with myself without something I can hold onto". There are so many 'labels' out there, so many ways of identifying yourself and I feel there are always new ones and specially since the last year everybody tries so hard to be something special and not just gay or lesbian or bisexual or straight or trans - which is totally fine with me, but I just feel more lost and don't know anymore. I feel like I do not want to just go through the long list and chose one that I feel could fit me. I want to feel who I am and want to feel connected to myself again. I want to be comfortable to be asked about it and feel comfortable to give an answer (of course it all depends on the mood i am in and who you are, but just generally speaking here..) Maybe this is not really a question but rather me asking for your help. I feel all of you awesome people are someone and you stand to yourself and who you are. And I don't know, I just feel even though I get the feeling all of your fight a lot and almost constantly with your demons, you all are so strong and do something and who you are or as 'what you identify as' is not an unimportant factor in this. Maybe I imagine things here but I don't know.. lately I just feel it is getting to me and I need answers I cannot find just by doing gender research on the internet since there seems to be always the same answer 'just be who you are and be what you feel comfortable with'. I know you cannot identify myself for me but I just want your opinion and thoughts on this, if you could spare a moment of your precious time. thank you, lee