#jaredletoimagines

"So then I was just like.. I just wanted some water!" 

You, Tomo, Shannon, Alice and Mel all erupted into laughter. Tomo's stories about tour always made you laugh - regardless of what they were. You pushed your hand across the table and grasped Jared's who was presenting a fake smile as he too remembered the water incident. 

"You okay?" You mouthed silently as the others chatted away.

In reply, he squeezed your hand tightly. 

This was the first night that you'd had out with Jared in months. A mix of over-working, stress, rumours, the death of somebody who had been a key part of the making of This Is War, being away from you and over thinking made the person who was sat in front of you today. He had lost a lot of weight. He was wearing long sleeves for the first time in a long while. He was wearing that smile again. 

"I'll go get some drinks - what does everybody want?" You say, slowly standing up. 

"2 lagers, 2 vodka oranges and whatever you guys want please!" Tomo piped up, clearly a little drunk and very enthusiastic. 

"Do you want anything?" Your eyes meet Jared's. 

"I'm fine, thank you." His eyes darted away. 

_______________________________________________

You knew things were bad when Shannon contacted you mid-way through their Scandinavian tour. You remember the answer phone message Shannon left now:

"Hey, kiddo. Just wanted to let you know we're taking a break in the tour and we're probably not going to be able to visit in London. I'll pay for yours and Mel's flights over here. I'll tell you more at some point but don't worry - everything's okay. See you soon." 

You try to shake this from your memory as you approached the bar and ordered your drinks. This bar in downtown Los Angeles was packed although the atmosphere seemed strange and almost tense in this area of the room. 

"Hi there lovely - what's your name?" An averaged height, muscular man said as he rested his hand against your shoulder. "Mine's Jim. Are you here with anybody tonight?" His hand slowly stroked the back of your shoulder.

"Excuse me, can you get your hand off of me please?" You say as you jolt away, leaving his hand to fall limp by his side. Drunk men, nothing you hadn't encountered a hundred times before. Before you had time to realise what had happened, Jared had pushed Jim away from you and was pushing his face right into his.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing? Touching girls in bars? You fucking pervert. How dare you.." He got closer and closer to Jim as his voice became more and more sinister. 

"Jared!" Shannon called from the table. He quickly rushed over and became the bollard between them. "Everything okay here?" Shannon proceeded to grab both of Jared's shoulder and quickly push him away from the situation.

"No, he started to touch-"

"Rhetorical, Jared." Shannon interrupted. 

Jared balled his hands into fists in anger and was noticeably shaking. Maybe coming out tonight had been too much for him. 

"Jared and I are going to go home. Mel, are you okay to drive Alice, Tomo and Shannon back when you're all done?" You asked as you slowly took grip of Jared's hand extremely tightly.

"Yeah that's fine.." Mel smiled. "Is everything okay?" She mouthed silently to you.

"I don't know.." You mouth silently back. 

_______________________________________________

The drive home was silent and tense. You tried not to notice Jared getting upset to the right of you as you drove as talking to him about everything could not happen in a car. When you got home, you allowed Jared to walk into the lounge and sit on the sofa first before you slowly closed the front door. 

You sat down next to him. All you could see was a shell of what he once was. 

He sat rigid, staring into nothing and holding his hands tightly together. 

Slowly, you uncovered one from his grasp and cradled it in yours. 

"I.." He started suddenly which made your eyes dart to his face which was angled towards yours whilst his eyes traced over his sleeve that had ridden up. Spilt paint on a canvas of dents. Both of your eyes caught hold of each others and his blue seemed darker than before. His eyes began to sink as tears silently began to fall from them, dotting both of your hands with wet droplets. He seemed so fragile. His very thin exterior, the patterns of parallel lines, the hollow eyes, the fake smile.. 

"I'm sorry." He choked. He couldn't bring his eyes to focus on yours. You could see him slipping away, back into his mind, your biggest fear was never being able to get him back again. 

"I don't think I can do this anymore." The words sliced through the layers of your skin. 

You pushed yourself closer to him on the sofa and guided his head into the your shoulder as you stroked his hair and rubbed his back. You felt him collapse into you as he shook with exhaustion as he cried and cried. Suddenly, this strong man who never let anything phase him had become lost, broken and torn. But you loved him just as much as you did the first day he gave you his cheeky smile. 

"Now listen," You started. A firm voice with no break is what you aspired to have. 

"Believe me when I say this, I love you. You are not weak. You have not failed anybody. Not Shannon, not Tomo, not the fans, not me, not anybody. This is all in your head which does not make it any less real but it means that everything you think is untrue. You are needed, you are wanted, you are loved and you are the reason that a lot of people are still here.." He continued to cry as your words crashed into him. "Like me.." You took a few seconds to compose yourself. 

"A little red water down the plug hole doesn't change the colour of the sea, does it?" You whispered. 

Slowly, Jared lifted his head to face yours. It felt like you were the only two people in the world right now. 

"We're going to get through this," You ensured. "Okay? First - we're going to stop this. We're going to make sure you never get to the point where this," You dart your eyes down to his hands. "Happens ever again, okay? You can do this. We can do this." Jared nodded.

"Is nos adversus mundi appropriate right now?" He sighed with a tired smile that reminded you of the first day you met. 

You pulled him back into your arms. You sighed out in relief. 

This is a continuation of this imagine!

"Come here you stupid bitch.." A slurred voice spoke. "I'm going to fucking kill you.." The voice got louder and more unsettling. "I'm going to get you - you are fucked.." Something loomed out to grab you when you shook yourself out of sleep and sat bolt upright. 

This time it wasn't Jack. It was Jared. 

You sat up in your bed disorientated. You couldn't remember walking to bed but as you slowly started to blink yourself awake you came to the assumption that Shannon and Tomo had carried you upstairs but if you had learnt anything tonight - it's not to trust your assumptions.. And it felt like you couldn't trust one of the only people you had ever trusted before either. You felt cold and uncomfortable as you realised you had thrown your duvet onto the floor as you struggle to separate yourself from your dream world. Your face gave a dull ache and all of the reality of the past few hours came flooding back. You really wished Shannon and Tomo hadn't of taken you to bed - you wished they had stayed with you downstairs to make sure nobody came in. You now felt extremely unsafe in your dark room in London to the point in which you didn't want to get your duvet from the floor let alone go and check on the boys. You sat there freezing cold with your arms around your waist and your thoughts all over the place when you heard the door open slightly. You cut off your breathe straight away and tried to not move in the darkness in hope it was a breeze because you really didn't want to be with or without anyone at this moment.

"Hey.." You heard a quiet voice say from in between the door and the frame. You heard them walk in and quietly close the door and stand with their back on it. For a few seconds: neither of you moved. Tentatively they picked up your duvet and pushed it back onto your bed and only when they were close did you realise those eyes and that voice belonged to a nervous Jared. 

"I heard you wake up.." He began whilst he went to sit on the bed whilst you pushed yourself away from him, unsure about what to do. You had just seen what he had done to Jack and even to his own brother.. You still hadn't explained what had happened and why Jack was even in the house so you were too scared he was still angry. Too scared he would do something to you. Too scared he would leave. He shadowed what you did and pushed himself away too - seemingly more cautiously. "I'm so sorry." The words came off the walls and hit you hard. 

"Jared.." You began, still not making eye contact. 

"I don't know what happened. I just.. He was.." Jared whispered.

The silence became more comfortable now you weren't alone. You felt Jared's cold hands wrap around yours: his knuckles were bruised and swollen and there were cuts all over his hands. 

"He's just not worth it.." You say making circular motion on Jared's cuts with your finger which made him wince.

"But you are." He snapped. His tone dropped and his eyes watched yours. 

"What I did tonight was right, he deserved it. I don't regret what I did I just regret doing it in front of you." His eyes continued to stare right into yours. You couldn't believe what he was saying and you couldn't believe how much he had let Jack get to him. 

"How can you say that?" Anger had started to spread through you. Everything Jared had stood for had gone completely out of the window because of Jack. "How can you condone what you did?" 

"What I did?!" His eyes became wild. "It almost sounds like you're defending him! What I did?!" 

Jared stood up with his fists clenched. 

"I'm not defending him - I know this isn't you. This isn't who you are. Rise above it you always used to say. You always used to get so pissed off when I got angry at somebody.." Of course you weren't defending that animal. However, Jared seemed different. 

"And?" His tone scared you.

"It's just what you think has changed.. You used to not let things like that get to you.. And now you've let it get to you you've hurt Shannon and yourself! Jack's not worth that! I'm not worth that!" You tried as much as possible not to raise your voice but Jared's loud uncontrollable breathing made that seem impossible.

"Oh okay.. I've changed. Well maybe that's what falling in love does to you." 

Silence filled the room. This time it was anything but comfortable. 

Jared slowly slumped against the wall and allowed himself to slide down and sit on the floor where he brought his knees up to his chest and allowed his eyes to close as he tried to steady his breathing. One thing that hadn't changed about him was that when he did ever get angry at anything: he found it so hard to stop. Anything could bring those emotions back incredibly quickly. 

You were angry. At Jack. At Jared. But most of all at yourself. 

Slowly and tentatively you pushed yourself up from the bed and knelt beside Jared. He opened one of his arms and you sat on his lap as he, as gently as he could, wrapped his arms around your waist. You felt him exhale deeply. 

"Promise me.. Nothing stupid now right?" You began, an assertive tone filling the cold air.

"Hmm?" He spoke into your hair. 

"You know what I mean." You spoke. Jared pulled you in tighter and that offered a type of stability you couldn't fault right now. 

_____________________________________________

A pale light began to paint your bedroom walls. You slowly opened your eyes when you found yourself in your bed with your duvet on. You lowered your arm to try and find the arm that always drapes across the right side of your waist when you sleep. Nothing. Panic spread right across you as you began to remember what had happened last night. Jared didn't seem calm even after you had spoken to him. You pushed the duvet onto the floor and walked down the stairs. 

"Hey," A voice said calmly as you reached the foot of the stairs. He was watching you from the sofa. "Good sleep?" 

"Yeah it was fine thanks.." You began. "Have you seen Jared?" 

Shannon's eyes lit up and a smile slowly formed on his face. 

"I came and checked on you in the night and I saw Jared lying down with you in bed. I didn't want to wake either of you because he actually seemed calm. He actually seemed okay for once." Shannon's words confused you. If Jared had carried you into bed after sitting on the floor.. Where was he now? 

"What time did you check on us?" You say slowly. 

"About 4AM? I couldn't sleep and I wanted to make sure you were okay. I went to bed after that." Shannon clicked the home button on his iPhone and displayed it to you: no messages or missed calls, just a lock screen of him and Jared at the Oscars. This made both of you smile. 

"That's weird.. Where do you think he's gone?" You walked and sat on the sofa opposite Shannon. He sat in his grey sweatpants and his tight red t-shirt with bed hair causing strands of hair to stick out all over his head.

"I'm not sure," Shannon sighed as he ran his hand along the back of his neck where bruises littered his skin. "Probably for a walk. He does that. He's just not been having a great time lately. He's been finding things hard, you know? Probably why he snapped last night. I wouldn't blame him for what happened." Each word pounded more guilt into you. Jared had been going through a difficult time recently which you were well aware of. He said that spending time with you made everything much easier and made him feel less like he would do something stupid. You had never thought that this is why he went mad last night. 

"Are you worried about him?" Shannon questioned which snapped you out of your thoughts.

Of course you were worried about him. Whenever Jared was like this he wasn't Jared. Sometimes something would bring it on but sometimes he would just drift away from everything for no reason to anybody's knowledge. This is when you were most scared.

"Yes," You sighed. "I think it's just a matter of getting him through whatever he's going through in his head. Although we don't know what's going on, he does. Just get him through this and he'll be back to normal." 

"Yeah.." You could hear Shannon trying to convince himself. "Yeah maybe you're right. You normally are." They eye contact you shared displayed a level of understanding which settled you. 

"Maybe you should go and check if his phone is still here.." Shannon suggested. "He takes it if-"

"-He's got business and doesn't if he's out walking. Got it." You finished with a smile. 

You walked a little more calmly back up to your room and started to look around for Jared's phone. It wasn't on his bedside table, or in his coat or in his drawer. You decided to call it from your phone. When it started to vibrate from underneath the bed, you knew something was wrong. You slowly retrieved it and unlocked the home screen to reveal the very last thing Jared had looked at. 

It was a message from an unknown number. 

"Couldn't even do it yourself, lover boy? Had to get your animal of a brother to do your dirty work? Well - you can't stay home with the slut forever.. Your shitty little band will have to go on tour one day and I wonder what will happen to her then. 10 days and counting unless.. Well, you already know. It's you or her, cunt." 

*THIS IS A TRIGGER WARNING. If you are likely to be triggered by reading this then I advice you greatly to do something else. Go and listen to Mars, read another imagine or just google pictures of cats in baths. I only write things like this when I'm going through a bad time so I greatly advice you not to read if you feel the same way. Thank you and I am always here if you need to talk*

"I can't believe I'm telling you this but.. Rachael.. She's dead.." 

You sat bolt upright in bed. For a couple of seconds: everything seemed to be distant. Nothing was on your mind. As you started to adjusted to your surroundings the realisation became flooding back.

Rachael, your best friend, had died last night. 

You were meant to have gone out last night. It was Friday and all of your friends were going out drinking. You had been ill all week and still felt that way so you decided to stay home. The drinking had turned excessive and before anybody knew it, Rachael had walked up to a balcony and had fallen and hit her head. She died on impact. Gone. 

You glanced at your alarm clock and it was 3AM. It hadn't actually hit you that she had gone until now: you felt your whole body go weak, your breathing rate increase and your strength dissolving away. Rachael was the one who introduced you to all the different possibilities of life and most importantly: she was the one that introduced you to Jared by working on the set of Dallas Buyers Club. Without her working there, you wouldn't have met Jared. Without her helping you through the bad times, you wouldn't be here. Now she was gone. 

The tears ran down your face as you couldn't help the screams coming out of your mouth. How had you been so stupid and not gone and looked out for her? How could you have not been there like she had been there for you? How were you going to cope without her? You wanted to ring Jared. To tell him everything that had happened and how you were getting worse. When reaching for your phone, you stopped yourself. You remembered the argument you had had with him two nights ago. 

"I hope you're not too drunk.." You said with a laugh in your voice.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Jared snapped harshly. 

"I was only joking.." You spoke slowly trying to calm him. "Just have a little fun, yeah?" 

"Oh, you think I don't have enough 'fun'? Am I not 'fun' enough for you now?" He continued.

"Jared I didn't-" You were interrupted. 

"No, no don't even go there. Every time you call me now we always end up fighting. This is fucking ridiculous! Jesus Christ.. Don't bother calling next time. Bye." 

Although he'd drunk that night - you could tell he wasn't that drunk. Every phone call you had with him just got worse and worse. The problem was you hadn't seen each other in so long that you missed each other and started to worry that the other person was liking somebody else. You more than ever. 

You recoiled your hand from your bedside table. The thought that the only two people you've ever been able to turn to had left made your stomach tie into knots. With your parents living in Sweden, the fact it was 3am and your inability to hold yourself together: you buckled. Finally the university work had become too much, the stress of not having Jared or your parents close and the loss of your best friend had made continuing life seem completely impossible. There really is not any point of me being alive anymore you thought. 

Slowly, you moved your hand to the bottle of sleeping pills to your left and all you wanted to do was sleep. And sleep. And sleep. By the time no more pills were left in the bottle: it seemed that was the only thing you would be doing from now on. 

_________________________________________________________

"She's starting to wake up, no sudden movements please."

The beeping was consistent and rhythmic which relaxed you as you slowly blinked yourself awake. You expected to wake up in your bed with your bedside table to your right and your door to your left. However, when you opened your eyes all you could see was white. And a man. 

"Hello there. How are you?" He spoke.

Confusion shot right through you. Why were you here? Once again, like the night before, the realisation crept back to you, however this time you felt numb. Disjointed. Gone. 

"It seems you took a few too many sleeping tablets last night. Was this intentional?" 

You couldn't seem to find the right words. Nothing seemed right. 

"We're going to keep you under observation for the next few hours and then we've arranged for some friends to pick you up. You'll be staying with them for a few nights and then we will get you some appointments with somebody who will help you." The man edged closer and rested his hand on your shoulder. "I promise - you're not alone." He smile and then swiftly left the room. 

What friends you thought. 

_________________________________________________________

"So this is your medication for the next 2 weeks. One in the morning and one at night. Your first session of help is tomorrow afternoon." The man handed you many sheets of paper and pills whilst you watched as the world seemed to effortlessly move around you as you were guided down a corridor. "Until then, you're going to stay with your friends. We are always a phone call away." The doctor smiled and slowly opened the door to the reception where you saw him. 

Shannon walked over. 

"Thank you." He said as the doctor squeezed your shoulder and walked back through the double doors. You didn't even make eye contact with Shannon until you got into the car. Shannon slowly opened the door for you and guided you into the passenger seat as he got into his. He placed his hands on his lap and looked at you.

"How are you feeling?" He said in a slow voice. 

You smiled. That felt wrong too. 

Shannon reached over and grasped your hand. His eyes could not bring themselves to make contact with yours. 

"I've been where you are. In your position. So if you need to know anything it's that I understand and I'm always here for you.." He struggled to keep his voice at one definite tone. "I thought you'd really gone you know.." Swiftly Shannon grabbed his sunglasses from beside him and put them on. Clearing his throat, he pulled out of the car park and began driving you back to your house. 

_________________________________________________________

Night had fallen by the time you were being guided by a strong arm around your back into the door of your house. Shannon opened the door to Tomo sat on the sofa facing you. His smile was just like yours. He slowly stood up and hugged onto you tightly. You couldn't feel anything. It felt like he was a million miles away from you. 

"Hey," He said in a whisper as he squeezed tighter. "It's so good to see you." 

You could see Shannon as he lifted his eyebrows toward Tomo. In response, Tomo let go. 

"I'm going to take her upstairs to her room. The doctor said for her to sleep or at least rest." Tomo nodded in response as Shannon quickly took your arm and ushered you up the stairs, into your room and into bed. Your bed felt wrong. It was as if you had never been in this bed, room, house.. 

"Are you feeling up to talking at all? It's okay if you're not.." Shannon caught your eye line as he waited for a response. When none came, he turned the lamp light on and smiled. 

"Things aren't that bad in the light, are they?" He said with a smile as he slowly closed the door. 

You sat in the bed not feeling anything. Sadness, anger, grief.. They had all become intertwined in the numb.

That was until your door pushed open. 

_________________________________________________________

Wearing black skinny jeans, an oversized grey jumper and more bracelets that usual: Jared slowly and quietly closed the door behind him. He kept his eyes completely focused on the floor as he shuffled in and sat tentatively at the foot of your bed. 

Silence. 

He began to trace with his fingers the circle patterns that were dotted all over your quilt cover. You watched as his eyes focused on the points as he ran his finger over them slowly. One by one. Only when he reached the final circle did he stop. His eyes got to your hands and stayed there. 

"How-" He began to say with a smile before it broke. 

"Did-" He tried again but his voice cut short. 

You hadn't quite witnessed anything like it. His eyes met yours and it's as if both of your worlds were completely falling apart and all you both could do was blankly stare at it and watch. 

"Why?" He finally choked. He tried so hard to stay strong. To stop from dissolving and crumbling. His eye brow became deeper and he bit his lip as his empty eyes started to fill. He went to reach for yours hand which caught hold of his and he winced. Although he was in pain, he grabbed onto yours as tightly as he could as if it was the only thing keeping him together. 

"I thought you'd left me.." This time he couldn't help it as the tears stained his white cheeks. He hadn't eaten or slept in a few days. You could tell. He broke his grip on yours hands as he dug his fingers into the back of his neck. 

This was wrong. How he was acting. How he was. All completely wrong. 

"The promise.." You whispered. Your eyes met each other and they both seemed hollow. Almost like empty shells of past people. Once so very much in love and happy.

"I broke.. The promise.." The words spilled out of your mouth as Jared's eyes became desperate. Your breathing became unsteady as realisation started to sink in. 

"Don't even.. That doesn't matter.." He tried to get the words out quickly but stuttered on all of them. "Look at me." He spoke sharply. 

"I cannot cope without you being here," He blinked after nearly every word as his vision become obscured with tears. "I'm a mess. But not with you. You can't leave. Not without me going with you. That's why we're both going to stay. We're going to get through this together. For Rachel. And for us. Okay?" His hands wiped away the tears that began to pool under your eyes. 

"You know when you.. You just feel so alone? Like the world would be no.. Different if you weren't here? Like you're too.. Fat and repulsive for anybody to love you? Like the things keeping you going to the next day.. Aren't there anymore? Did you feel like that?" You managed to speak through the tears. Jared nodded at every word. 

"You're beautiful and loved and needed and-" He had lost his grasp of strength as his tears overcame his voice. The sadness choked you both as all you could do is hold onto Jared's hand as tight as you could as you waited for everything to feel stable again. 

"It's like I just can't feel anything anymore.." You couldn't stop the words. They had built up for so long as you thought you had nobody to talk to. Who understood. Who cared. 

Jared responded by wrapping his arms around your waist as you could do little but wrap your arms around his neck and wait for the storm to pass.

"I'm so sorry I wasn't here for you.." He whispered. 

"Nos adversus-" You began. 

*Big thank you to defending-punk-rock for going on a walk with me and discussing ideas for this imagine - it wouldn't have been possible without her input! I love you buddy! ^u^*

________________________________________________________ "Look at the def! It looks awesome! Oh and the surdo! What do you think about that?" Shannon's eyes lit up as he pointed to various different types of drums on your computer screen. 

"Well we have a def downstairs.. And I could print out some information about how to play it.." You say as you create a word document of the essential information. 

"Yes," Shannon began as he quickly scanned over all the information. "That's awesome! Thank you!" 

"Don't mention it." You said with a smile as you pushed away from the desk and started walking towards the door.

Unfortunately, something was blocking it.

"Can you move out of the way please?" You say in a harsh tone to Jared who had his legs across the doorway on another chair. Without raising his head, he laughs. 

"Oh I'm sorry princess I didn't know I was in your precious little way.." Jared said mockingly as he didn't move at all. 

"For fuck sake-" You whisper under your breathe before Shannon cuts you off. 

"Jared. Move. Now." He says. Jared slowly swings his legs out of the way and smiles at you immaturely. 

"Thank you," You say as you walk out of the room. "Jerk." 

________________________________________________________

You had now been working at 30 Seconds To Mars' lab for over 8 months and you had never enjoyed a job as much as this. It began through working on setting up the drum kit when 30 Seconds To Mars had been touring and after becoming close friends with Shannon: you were now working in the lab and visiting often. Unfortunately, that meant spending excessive amounts of time with Jared Leto. To you, he was the biggest idiot in the music industry. Arrogant, persuasive and apparently inferior to everybody else in the whole world. It had become a bit of a running joke between you and everybody how much you both hated each other. 

As you walked down the long corridor towards the stairs, Tomo interrupted your thoughts. 

"Hey! I was wondering - if you're running downstairs could you pick up the paper work I've just printed out? I've left it late again and I need it kinda urgently." His eyes adopted the puppy dog state and there is no way you could say no to somebody who was always so lovely and helpful to you.

"Sure! I'll be 5 minutes!" Before you could continue walking down the corridor Tomo grabbed your arm. 

"Sorry you can't go down the stairs at the moment. Jared is having his new piano brought up.." 

"Pretentious-" You begin to whisper before Tomo brushed it off with a laugh. 

"Yeah - he's not letting anybody near it until it's in his room. It would be better if you'd take the lift." He said. 

As soon as the words had left Tomo's mouth you felt instantly sick. The lift. You couldn't remember being in one since you'd first began to fear the small space, dark corners and the ominous feeling of falling. You had made sure you'd made everybody at the lab completely unaware of this. 

"I would say wait until the stairs are clear but I know Shannon really wants to start work and I have to get that paper work filled in and I'm halfway through learning something so if you could.." Tomo slowly walked you in the direction of the lift which meant you could do nothing but go with it. 

"Tomo I-" Before you could start trying to justify your reasons a stern voice barked from inside the lift. 

"I'm gonna close the door in 3.. 2.. 1.." Jared spoke in annoyance. 

"Jared don't be a-" Tomo began.

"A jerk? Oh no don't worry - I've been that already apparently." His eyes shot to you and pierced straight through. "Just get in." He barked once again. 

"Hopefully 3 minutes will be too short of a time for them to kill each other.." Tomo whispered as he walked away and you stood in the lift next to Jared. 

Jared hit the ground button before he even offered you the choice and the lift doors slowly enveloped you and him.

________________________________________________________

"You can move closer - I don't bite for Christ's sake." He spoke gruffly. 

You were pushed up against the back corner as if to try and expand the lift as much as you could. Going from the 6th floor to the ground should take just over 3 minutes and only 20 seconds in your were struggling. Your breathing began to become more rapid but you were just about managing to contain it. 

All of a sudden a piercing beeping began to occur.

"Oh for fucks sake.." Jared said as he walked over to the controls and looked puzzled. "Are you serious?!" His voice got more aggressive as the lift came to a shuddering halt. Jared began to press a lot of different buttons which had no effect. The anger in him was building as the anxiety in you began to do the same.

"Jared.. Is there nothing you can do..?" You managed to get out without your breathing becoming too obvious. 

"Don't you think I'm fucking trying?" He said harshly which hurt. Although you had always despised each other, he had never been as condescending and harsh as he had been today. He had snapped at Tomo and Shannon numerous times and you were getting the worst of it. Finally, Jared located the help button which should lead to a phone line. He pressed it numerous times but nothing happened. No reply. No acknowledgement. No help.

"For fucks sake!" He shouted as he kicked the side of the machine and slowly all the lights beaming out from the buttons cut off one by one. And then the far left light. Then the middle. And the the right which is right above you. Slowly, the darkness flooded over both of you and your anxiety hit a high. 

"Fuck!" He screamed louder than you'd ever heard him scream before - even when he was recording. You could hear him back away from the buttons, hit the wall and sink to the floor. But now, Jared was no concern of yours. You could barely breathe and the darkness made you feel like you were more contained than ever. 

"We're fucking trapped.. And nobody even fucking knows we are because the fucking help button doesn't even fucking work!" He kicked the buttons again which made it more apparent how small this space really was. It was out of your control now. Your breathing got more rapid and shallow and it felt like you were filling up inside. You balanced on your knees and tried to rub your chest but nothing relieved the panic that was bubbling up and choking you.

"Fucking hell what's wrong with you now?!" He barked loudly as he sighed. Your breathing was getting worse to the point where you couldn't feel any air coming in but the wheezing sounds kept protruding from your mouth.

You could see Jared watching you out of the corner of his eye. 

"Hold on - are you okay?" Jared's voice become panicked as he adjusted how he was sitting to be facing you. By now you couldn't even reply to tell him. Slumping to the side, the feeling of passing out started to overwhelm you. 

As soon as Jared realized your body position, he instantly stood up and backed away. 

"Do you want me to give you some space? Or come over? Can I do anything?" He said, panicked and concerned. You couldn't stop the tears escaping from your eyes which made your throat constrict even more which made you feel more scared.

Suddenly, the right side of the lift jolted down more than the left. Something had snapped above you. Both of your heads shot to look upwards and now you really were petrified. 

"What can I do?" He said as his eyes were wild and almost visible in the darkness. You could see Jared drop his hands and take a deep breathe. He slowly got down onto his knees and shuffled over next to you and hesitantly waited for your response. Truthfully, the only thing that ever helped was when your back was rubbed. You slowly nodded and Jared placed his large hand onto your back and started to rub it in a circular motion as he put the other hand on your right shoulder. 

"Do you want me to talk? Distract you? Shut up?" As he continued to rub your back you were genuinely shocked at how he was treating you and his genuine concern for how you were. 

"Distract.." You managed to get out. You were starting to loose sensation in your hands due to your rapid breathing. Jared grasped your right hand tightly and rubbed that too. 

"Distract you.. Okay.. What's green and goes up and down?" He whispered slowly.

There was a long silence.

"A pea in a elevator.." He let out a slow laugh. "Okay then let's talk about something else." 

He pushed your legs out straight in front of you so you didn't cut off your circulation from balancing on them for so long. He pushed your head on his shoulder so you were in a more comfortable position. All of this struck a chord deep inside you. 

"Lets talk about the fact that I.. Hate somebody that I love and.. Love somebody that I should.. Hate." He spoke as he struggled to move his body to make you more comfortable. All the time he hadn't stopped rubbing your back and slowly you could feel the air drifting back into you. You were trying your best to calm down but at least your breathing was returning a little more normal. 

"Emilia?" You whispered. 

Jared's head slowly dropped to rest onto yours that was resting on his shoulder. He let out a sigh as the force of the rubbing subsided a little. 

"She cheated on me." He whispered. Your face shot up in shock and looked at his which stared into space for a long while. You couldn't believe that the woman he had been with for the past 7 months had cheated on him. You knew how much he loved her. How his lock screen was a drawing that she had drew for him on Valentine's day. How he would miss her so much on every single tour you ever went on with him. How he would always be the last to hang up when they called. How he'd always text her goodnight even if they'd had a fight. You didn't know love until you saw Jared's love for Emilia. 

"I'm.. Sorry.." You spoke. You felt terrible for how you had reacted to his taunts today. It is obvious he hadn't told Shannon or Tomo and he was finding it hard to cope with it. This added to your anxiety which made your breathing rate shoot up again. Jared noticed this and applied more pressure to your back.

"For the past 4 months! I found out today.. She liked somebody else the whole time.. How could I have been so stupid?.. Don't worry.. It's not like I.. Loved her or anything you know.." There was a long pause.

"It's probably the way I look I mean.. Look at me.." He laughed it off but you could see him slowly dissolving into realization and getting worse again. Jared hated commitment and now you could see why. 

You slowly rested your head back onto his shoulder and he placed his on top of yours. 

"What about you and Shannon then?" As soon as Jared said his name a memory of Shannon laughing flashed into your head. You had thought about it but nothing had ever happened and since Shannon was getting so close to Tomo's friend Alice - you thought it was better to leave it. 

"No.." You whispered. "Absolutely nothing.." The sincerity of your words shocked Jared. 

"Really? Could of fooled me. I thought you really liked him!" You could hear the shock creep into his voice. 

Suddenly, the back of the lift jolted and the whole lift seemed to be tipping in your direction. 

"Oh God.." Jared spoke: the uneasiness so prominent in his whispering voice. Every few seconds the lift would jolt down lower until you could feel it beginning to sway slightly. You now could not control your fear. 

"When I was younger.." You began. "The cave.. The water.. I couldn't.. Breathe.." Memories of being 9 years old and trapped underwater in a cave flooded back into your mind and took you under. You were on the verge of passing out when Jared rubbed your back as hard as he could without hurting you and he slowly started to rock you. 

"It's okay.." He said rhythmically and calmly. "It's all going to be okay.." 

Unfortunately, you couldn't hold on anymore. The sense of oblivion took hold and dragged you down until you went limp in Jared's arms. 

________________________________________________________

"Okay we're going to open the door on 3.. 1.. 2.. 3!" You heard many different voices shouting in unison. Your eyes shot open in disorientation and fear. You found yourself being held in Jared's arms as he sat on his knees with his eyes fixed on the door which was slowly being teased open. 

"Jared?" You spoke. 

"It's okay," He whispered. "Just hold on, got it?" You nodded, breathing still rapid but somewhat calmer in your current state. 

A fire fighter stood tall in the doorway and ushered Jared to stand.

"Okay now nice and slowly.. Stand up," Jared did so. "Walk with very tiny strides.. That's it.." It didn't take long before Jared was at the door and the lift jerked violently behind you. 

"Okay - I'll take her now thank you." One fire fighter said with his arms outstretched. 

"No - I want to take her and make sure she's okay. Thank you for getting us out." Jared said gruffly. You could see Tomo, Shannon and everybody else in the building watching in awe as Jared carried you down the hallway into his room. 

"I didn't kill her guys.. If that's what you're thinking.." He shouted before he slammed his door with his foot. 

________________________________________________________

"OK this one is a joke.. I promise.." Your Mum shot a look to your sister who was already sneering in her chair.  

Today it was February 13th and your 24th birthday. Your parents had come over to visit you along with your sister, brother and some of your closest friends. You watched your sister skeptically for a minute before starting to peel off the wrapping paper. As soon as you grabbed a handle of a mug and ripped the paper to reveal Jared's face you were laughing. 

"Very funny guys.." You say as you pulled off the wrapping paper completely revealing a china mug with a topless Jared Leto showing himself on it. "I'm guessing this was your doing?" You say as your eyes meet your sisters.

"Maybe.." This makes all of you start laughing. "Seeing as he couldn't be here we thought we'd bring something of him to you." Her tone returned to a serious one which made you snap back into reality. Jared had been on tour for a while and had been doing a lot of promotion for Dallas Buyers Club which required him travelling all over the world which meant you hadn't seen him for 4 months and it had been hard on both of you. It was soon to be your year anniversary of being with him and you'd never felt so distant. Neither of you could help how much you missed each other and wished things were different. 

"Anyway," Your Mum beings as she sees you starting to over think the situation once again. "You better go get ready - we're booked for Revenir in an hour!" 

_______________________________________________________

"Blue or red?" Your sister said as she hovered in your doorway. 

Examining the two dresses in her hand, you get up and start to examine the material. 

"Red. You always look so lovely in that dress!" You say as she smiles and hooks the two dresses to the door handle and hugs you. 

"What's this for?" You say as you are squeezed tighter.

"I know how hard this must be," You didn't want to say anything because you knew she knew what she was talking about. Her boyfriend is in the army and regularly leaves home for months at a time. "I know how you feel. I'm always here if you need to talk. Okay?" 

There was a long pause as you buried your face into her hair.

"Okay." You finally spoke. 

"Let's go then - this is one of the nicest restaurants in London.. Believe me!" She said smiling. 

_______________________________________________________

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you.." 

The people around the table consisted of your Mum, Dad, younger sister, older brother and your friends Mel and Fleur. The meal at the restaurant Revenir had been wonderful and now your Mum had started the choir of very out of tune people singing. The restaurant was very small and so their loud voices made the people sat having their meals all turn and look with a smile on their face. All of a sudden there was a voice from behind you. 

"Happy birthday dear Malfoy.."

At this point your head snapped around to look behind you because there was only one person who called you that and could sing in such melodic tones. Ever since you'd seen the last Harry Potter they had started calling you it because your hair colour was almost exactly the same as Malfoy's and you'd always had an intense love for the house Slytherin. 

"Happy birthday to you." Jared spoke with a cake balanced on one hand, a balloon in the other and a huge smile on his face. 

Before you had time to examine everybody's reaction or read the writing on the cake or examine the pattern on the balloon your arms were around a suit collar as you squeezed Jared the tightest you ever had. Your Mum got up from the table and slowly relieved Jared of an unsteady cake and a fluttering balloon as she leaned in close to your ear.

"Happy birthday." She whispered with a smile. 

You couldn't believe Jared was here for you as he had so many tour dates and so many commitments that were causing him stress and taking up all of his time. You couldn't believe he hadn't called or that your Mum and Dad hadn't told you. Most of all: you couldn't believe how much you had missed him. 

"I hate you." You said with a laugh as Jared pulled away and looked at you.

"I love you, too." He said with a smile as he planted a kiss on your forehead. 

A waiter had brought over a chair for Jared at the end of the table and as you took your seat Jared broke his grasp on your hand. Before he sat down he gave your sister a kiss on the cheek and your brother a hand shake as he had met your parents numerous times but never your siblings. He spent the next 5 minutes introducing himself and complimenting the woman's dresses and the boys' hair as everyone smiled and spoke.

This was the first time the people you loved most had been in the same room and the first time you had been completely whole in a while. 

_______________________________________________________

"So I'm just sat there and in walks Dennis Dixon and I'm just like.. Do you even dash?" Jared says as your brother erupts into laughter. Everyone had bonded with Jared over the end of meal coffee which included your brother who he couldn't stop talking to. 

"You know I think it would of taken him exactly 4.58 seconds to punch you.." Your brother said as Jared and your Dad dissolved into uncontrollable laughter. 

"Okay.. I do have one last present for the birthday girl.." Jared said as he finished chuckling. The whole table apart from your Mum and Dad watched in awe as Jared put his hand into his suit pocket and rummaged around. Your Mum and Dad sat with a huge smiles on their faces and their hands gripped tightly. After a couple of seconds of looking: Jared pulled out a long, thin envelope. 

"Happy birthday." He said as he handed you the envelope. 

Everyone sat on the edge of their seat as you began to open it. Slowly, you pulled out 2 plane tickets. 

"Lyon in France?" You say speculatively. 

"Appropriate for the restaurant, right?" He said with a cheeky smile. 

A smile grew massively over your face. He had planned all of this so well and without anybody knowing except for your Mum and Dad. 

"We're spending Valentine's day in France?" You say, your smile growing wider and wider as you speak. You see your sister in the corner of your eye staring in complete awe at Jared. 

"We'll be spending it with a few of my friends, too. Our spontaneous trip begins in an hour if you accept." He said with a wink. 

"Your bag is all packed," Your Mum added which releaved Jared of the 7 pairs of eyes that had been locked on him since the word go. "It's in Jared's car. It's all been arranged." Jared's eyes met your Mum's.

"Thank you for that, Annie." He said as he smiled at her.

"It's my pleasure." She said, going slightly red. 

"Let's go on an adventure." You whisper as you kiss the side of Jared's head.

_______________________________________________________

You had finished saying your goodbyes to everyone as they all wished you well. As you were saying goodbye to your sister, you could see Jared and your Dad having a very long conversation that Jared had asked to have with him which finished with a handshake and a hug. You were now sat on the plane and travelling to Lyon. You spent the whole 2 hour flight holding Jared's hand and catching up with him about what you had both been doing. Soon enough it was 2am and you were flying into the twinkling city of Lyon.

"And this.. Is our room.." Jared said as he slowly opened the door. Jared had booked a room in the 5 star hotel Villa Florentine which was the most luxurious hotel you had ever been in. The bedroom was huge and was decorated with swirling patterns all over the ceilings and walls with an en suite and artwork everywhere. You were in complete awe of the room as Jared slowly rested his hands on your waist and whispered in your ear. 

"We better go to bed - we've got a big day tomorrow."

 _______________________________________________________

You slowly wrapped your arm around  Jared who had been awake for the past half an hour watching you sleep. 

"Good morning chick.." He whispered as you slowly opened your eyes and smiled. 

"Happy Valentine's day." You say as you run your fingers through through his short, brown hair. 

"Happy Valentine's day to you too." He said. All of a sudden you realized the room seemed different and was showered in a different shade of red. Sitting up in your bed you noticed that in the night Jared had put balloons all of the room, hung hearts from the ceiling and scattered petals all of the bed. 

"I know it's cheesy and stuff but.. It's our first Valentines and-" You stopped him with a kiss that said thank you. 

"I don't have your presents because I wasn't aware of this trip until last minute and most of them would of been too big but.." You put your arm down to the right hand side of the bed and rummage for a small gift wrapped in red tissue paper under the bed. "Here is one of them." 

Jared's eyes became bright as he opened this present slowly and then held it up. His eyes became wide and looked like they were going to fill. Jared had lost his triad necklace a few months ago when he was crowd surfing at a show in Russia and he admitted that was the one thing that he loved most that he owned. 

"Turn it around.." You spoke with a smile. 

Slowly Jared span the triad necklace to display that down the right hand side length was the word 'SHANNON', to the left hand side was the word 'TOMO' and on the very bottom length said the word 'JARED'. This time Jared really had to bite his lip so he didn't fill up. 

"Thank you so much," His eyes met yours. "I love you." 

"I love you too." Your lips met and Jared rubbed his hand along your jaw line. 

"Hold on 2 seconds.." Jared hopped out of bed and went to the desk in the corner of the room where he got a scalpel from the draw and started doing something to the triad. 

"What are you doing?" You say as you try and move to see his hand movements as he turned his back and blocked your view further.

"Nothing - go and get ready. Our day begins in an hour!" 

_______________________________________________________

The day consisted of visits to various places in Lyon, a meal in Archange and a long walk hand in hand as you looked in various shops. Just spending chilled out time with Jared made you the happiest person you had ever been. Around 4 o'clock Jared kept looking at his watch. 

"What's wrong?" You say back in your hotel room as you finish opening the presents Jared had bought for you. 

"I have to go." Jared's eyes became wild as he started to pick up his jacket and put on his shoes. 

"Where?" Confusion has started to spread over you because it looked like something was wrong. 

"Trust me. There will be a car to pick you up at 6:30." He was about to put his hand on the door handle when you grabbed his arm.

"Jared!" You said sternly before he escaped through the door. "What's going on?" 

"Do you trust me enough to let me leave?" His mouth moved into a side smile. 

"Along as your promise to come back." You reply, a little unsure. 

"As I always have." He said before he kissed your forehead and raced out of the door.

_______________________________________________________

At dead on 6:30 there was 2 beeps from a car outside. Wearing your black skinny jeans, red t-shirt, leather jacket and red converse you bound down the stairs and knock the the car window which winds down. 

"A lift for the girlfriend of Jared Leto?" Says a taxi driver. You smile and get into the car as you are whisked away somewhere different. After about 15 minutes of driving, the taxi driver pulls up in front of a huge building which is flooded with people. 

"Ah.. Halle Tony Garnier! What a fabulous place." He spoke in his French accent. Indeed, it was fabulous and huge. After a minute of wondering you remembered that this was where 30 Seconds To Mars were playing tonight. You smiled.

"Thank you for the lift." You say as you get out of the car.

"Enjoy it!" The driver said with a wink. 

_______________________________________________________

Whenever you had been to a 30 Seconds To Mars gig before, unless Jared has specifically asked you to go to the side of stage area, you had loved being on the floor. This time was no exception. 

"One life.. One love.. Live!"

The concert was now in full swing and City Of Angels had been a huge success with the crowd. All of a sudden, the music got quiet at the end of the song.

"Well.. How are you feelings guys?" Jared spoke as he took a drink from a bottle of water.

Infinite, you thought. 

"So today is Valentine's day - right?" The response to this was a mix of cheers and awkward recognition of loneliness. "Who wants to be my Valentine?" He said with a smile. The cheers from the crowd got louder and louder. Although you had gotten to the concert 30 minutes late, for some reason all of the crowd seemed to let you get very close to the front and a few of them even recognized you. Jared's laugh got louder.

"I'm only kidding guys, but you are all beautiful and wonderful. Where is my Valentine?" He said, scanning the horizon. Everyone started clapping and a few starting pointing to you. "There she is - come on up here!" Various security guards help you over the barricade and up to the stage where Jared draped his arm around your shoulder and the whole crowd went wild. 

"Okay so um.." Jared pushed hair hair up and the crowd's noise didn't subside until he ushered them to hush. "It's Valentine's day and I love you. Everything about you. The way you make me a better person, the way you've made me interested in things like Harry Potter and Doctor Who and all that weird and awesome stuff and the way you.." He stifled a choke as he tried hard to breathe normally. "They way you saved my life." The whole crowd went dead silent as you did. He had done exactly the same to you but you'd never thought you'd done it for him. 

"So.. I want to say something. Well, they do.." 

All of a sudden Jared dropped onto his knee and looked at the crowd with a huge smile and beckoned a response mouthing the words 'as we practised' towards them. Without any hesitation, different sections of the crowd started to shout a different word. 

"Will.." Shouted the far left section. 

"You.." Shouted the middle section.

"Marry.." Shouted the far right section.

"Me?" Jared spoke. Silence fell in the room. 

You inhaled sharply. 

"Yes." You spoke before you dissolved into tears as did Jared and the crowd went wild. Shannon and Tomo walked forward clapping and smiling and the whole place was erupting with happiness.

Jared pulled you close as you both cried with happiness. All of a sudden, you noticed Jared's necklace. On the middle of the triad, the length holding all points together..

The sunlight had just started to creep through your opaque blinds when you decide it's finally time to get up. The double bed you've slept in seems larger to you than usual due to Jared being back on tour. Even though you'd been together 7 months it was still no easier when he left: if anything it got worse and worse. Pulling on your blue hoodie, you walk downstairs and get a bowl of cereal. It was about 10AM and your phone was still upstairs and as you didn't need to do or be anywhere or anything today you decided to sit and watch the TV for the morning. 

You had recorded an episode of the IT Crowd the previous night as you'd fallen asleep early so you decided you'd watch that after checking the morning news.

A short, stout man sat and delivered the news on your TV as it neared to the next section of the news bulletin. 

"Actor and singer Jared Leto, 42, has been killed after being rushed to the hospital after an airplane crash."

Everything stopped.

Before you knew it: your cereal had dissipated over the floor that he had walked on, your arms had wrapped around the waist that his had only a few days ago however no tears ran down the cheeks he had wiped dry all the times before. You couldn't cry. You couldn't do anything. 

All of a sudden, a new sensation started to overcome your numbness: drowning. It felt like the tears that weren't evident on your outside were building up on your inside. Slowly, it worked it's way up from your stomach to your chest and to your throat to the point where you couldn't breathe. You lay on the floor choking whilst the TV became louder and louder repeating the same words over and over: 

"Jared Leto.. has been killed.." 

"Jared Leto.. has been killed.." 

"Jared Leto.. has been killed.." 

"Hey, hey, wake up.." You could hear something faintly in the background that grew louder and louder and less muffled. "It's OK, wake up.." Quickly, your eyes snapped open. You were unaware of your surroundings and anyone who occupied a space within them. You didn't realize you were screaming until you closed your mouth. You cornered yourself in the top right hand side of the bed, eyes wild and lost. Your eyes slowly adjusted to the dark and noticed something: a pair of striking blue eyes that were as wild as yours. 

"It was only a dream.." He whispered. 

You couldn't do anything but dissolve into tears. You pushed your knees up to your chest and clasped your arms around them. You felt Jared's arm push around your back and pull you closer to him on the bed before he enveloped you and you grabbed onto his shirt as hard as you could in fear that you'd loose him again. He took to rubbing your back as you struggled to catch your breath.

"It's OK.. It's OK.." He continued repeating.

"It felt so-" You were barely audible through your tears. "..real.." His eyes darkened. "The airplane.. The crash.." You couldn't speak anymore so Jared took your place in the silence. 

"But it wasn't, was it?" He continued to whisper which made you cry even harder as the reality that he really was here and hadn't been killed and left hit you. "Hey, hey it's OK.." 

"Please don't leave tomorrow" You say abruptly, causing Jared's muscles to tense. "I'd be nowhere-" You choke, "without you to protect me.." One thing he couldn't save you from was that he had to leave to go to Italy and you had to stay to go to university. He couldn't save you from the fact that in 7 hours he wouldn't be here to make sure you were OK.

"I have to," He chokes, his voice shaky. "But I'll be back before you know it, right?" You felt disbelief as whenever he went away it felt like a lifetime before he returned.

"I've always come back to you, haven't I? Do you want to know why?" Jared's voice had turned slightly more serious and he turned you around to look straight into him. You nodded.

"Because I'd have nowhere else to go." The 2am darkness seemed to be bring out the sincerity.

"I don't want to be anywhere else but here, OK? You have to believe me when I say that, right? You jump, I jump, remember?" These words resonated right through you as he pulled you in tighter. 

"I love you more than I've ever loved anyone or anything and I can promise you this: I'm not going anywhere." He spoke into your ear. 

"I love you" You managed to get out without your voice breaking. 

"Jared started to re-arrange the bed and moved your pillow back to it's original position although when he lay back down you stayed as you were with your hands on his shirt and your legs wrapped around his. 

"They say if you slow your breathing.." Even Jared starting laughing quietly at this reference which made him embarrassed. "Shall I try another one?" You lay with your body intertwined with his as he spoke in a quiet tone. 

"Let's go somewhere.." He started. 

Although exhaustion had started to replace your consciousness you replied, "Where to?" 

Jared's arm reached up and pointed out of the window that was to both of your right which was speckled with glittering openings in the sky. 

"To the stars.." 

_____________________________________________________________

The next day you woke up with your body aching and your throat dry. The similar feeling of a vast bed unsettled you as you clambered for your phone in worry.