#jared jaslow

usernames are either already canon in the au or suggested by others in the server, except the jared one i stole that one from the server

Remy - DaddyLongLegs

Patton - HappyPappyPatton

Logan - Logan Crofter

Virgil - DepressedNightmareTarantula

Roman - PrincePenaltyShot

Jared - JaredTheForbiddenOne

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DepressedNightmareTarantula bad news everyone

logan now knows what the furry comments mean

PrincePenaltyShot you had one job virgil ONE JOB

Logan Crofter In Virgil’s defense, he did attempt several times to stop me from finding out.

It didn’t yield the results he wanted.

DaddyLongLegs gurl y didnt u stop him

DepressedNightmareTarantla did you not read logans message 

or did you lose your reading comprehension

I TRIED

PrincePenaltyShot not hard enough clearly

DepressedNightmareTarantula drop the gloves asshole

JaredTheForbiddenOne oh so he knows about that now

HappyPappyPatton wait logan didnt know about the furry comments???

DaddyLongLegs p much? we tried keeping it away from him

prob knew something was up tho

HappyPappyPatton ooohhh

DepressedNightmareTarantula yea

Logan Crofter Now I see why you were all trying to stop me from finding out.

These furry people are interesting to say the least.

HappyPappyPatton what

DaddyLongLegs freaky

HappyPappyPatton that makes them sound like theyre bad

DaddyLongLegs u mean freaky

they r freaky hoes

DepressedNightmareTarantula the ones thirsting after logan are

HappyPappyPatton I’m sure theyre not all bad

PrincePenaltyShot can you really blame them tho?

DaddyLongLegs pattycakes listen to me

they r freaky ppl gurl

Logan Crofter Thirsting after me?

DaddyLongLegs u do not want to get involved w them

HappyPappyPatton ok???

DaddyLongLegs oh my god im ruining his innocence

im corrupting our the pure one

PrincePenaltyShot look at what youve done virgil

Logan Crofter I’m not understanding that thought process.

DepressedNightmareTarantula drop the fucking gloves princey

fucking fight me

HappyPappyPatton im so confused

Callen and Julian Facts

Callen once tricked Peter into eating one of those chips from the Paqui One Chip Challenge and took a video as Peter subsequently Perished On Sight. (Callen was convinced that it couldn’t be that bad, so he ate one as well, and Nope He Was Wrong. it was That Bad)

Callen’s alarm is that scene from Shrek where Shrek and the villagers are all screaming at each other

Callen struggles to make friends because of how blunt and brutal he can be, but he’s fiercely protective of the friends that he does have. Peter’s honestly the first friend he’s ever had, and although Callen dunks on him daily, he’d also murder for him at this point

Julian, despite being a Big Baby, has quite a lot of sass packed into his Little Body. (this is unfortunate, because he WILL cry if he manages to instigate an argument by saying something Too Sassy)  

Julian’s allergic to peanuts, which SUCKS because peanut butter smells,,, so good,,,,

Julian works at the LGBT center, so every single pen he owns is one of the free LGBT Center Pens that they distribute to whomever wants them

he also has a collection of free chapsticks from the center because they taste unreasonably good 

Bo and Jared

the fact that these two get along is hysterical, but also makes sense given the fact that Bo is quiet and likes listening to others whereas Jared is a motor-mouth who is incapable of Turning It Off

Jared usually has Incurable Bastard Disease, but the minute Bo is In His Presence, he is a Large and Flustered Mess. the team uses this for evil more often than not.

once Jared and Bo start dating, the team starts referring to Bo as Jared’s “Bo-yfriend” in the group chat

(Jared: if Bo is my Bo-yfriend, then what am i?; Roman: Bo’s bitch)

Jared isn’t a fan of his glasses because he thinks they make him look like a dweeb, but Bo tells him that they’re cute One Time and he just. straight up dies.

General OC interactions

Jamie likes gaming and Jared likes being a horrid little ghoul, so sometimes Jared will write up objectively terrible mods for a few of Jamie’s PC games so that they can get a good laugh out of it

although Patton does it more often, another person on the team who likes to put little braids in Bo’s hair is Payton. he, like Patton, had a little sister that he could learn off of, and braiding is an excellent way to keep his hands moving (which is fantastic, because he can NOT stay still for the life of him)

tws: family drama, divorce, death of family members (cancer mention, miscarriage mention), allusions to abuse, homophobia & panphobia, casual mentions of disownment because Peter has got some issues, cursing, hook-up mentions

Jared Jaslow:

in case his entire personality isn’t enough of a clue, i am here to confirm that Jared is an Only Child

specifically, he is the only child of a very contentious divorce; his parents both love him, but they hate each other fiercely. how they got along well enough to have a baby, Jared will Never Know

both of his parents remarried, but he’s not close to like… either of his step-parents

he also isn’t sure what his family’s stance on Anything is, so he’s staying the closet, thanks

Jared’s bisexual; he’s a little gay for a majority of the team, a lot gayer for Logan, and the absolute Gayest for Bo

Bo doesn’t know this for the longest time, but when he figures it out, it is Charming and Wholesome

he’s also domestic partners with Payton and Remus for life, tho, don’t get him wrong

(sorry Bo, you’ve just adopted Three Whole Bastards)

Payton O’Shaughnessy

Payton has a sister who is 4 years younger than himself. she is a lot smarter than him (which makes him Big Proud), and he dotes on and deliberately embarrasses her in equal measures

he’s a good big brother, but he Can, Should, Must and Will tease her about her crushes

Payton’s parents moved to Ireland from the states because A) his father’s work dictated it, and B) they wanted to start a family away from their own, horrible relatives, and if they had to move countries to do so, then So Be It

 Payton’s relationships are usually transient and light-hearted; he’s clear about his intentions for hookups – a big of a thot, but never a fuckboy – and although he figures he’ll settle down eventually, he’s using his college years to Party Hard, so. no set relationship in the cards for him as of yet.

Peter Sullivan

Peter’s got both parents, and while their marriage is stable and overall happy, their dynamic is… grossly heteronormative for his tastes

it’s very sitcom-wife-and-useless-husband, except her useless husband is also a bit of an asshole to boot

Peter came out as pansexual, and while his mother was quick to gloss over it (kind of a it’s-fine-you’ll-probably-end-up-with-a-girl kind of deal), his father makes it known that this is Not a Development that He Is Okay With pretty regularly

but Peter didn’t get kicked out of his house, so??? (victory?)

Peter has a younger sister and an older brother, and they are equally terrible, so that’s fun

his older brother actually plays for the Minnesota State Mavericks – another Division I Ice Hockey Team – so a game against him is inevitable

much like Payton, Peter’s kind of playing it by ear on the relationship game. unlike Payton, he’s not huge on the hook-up culture. (those were his high school years, and they were… not the proudest time of his life)

Julian Beauregard 

another only child, although his personality is a little more subdued than Jared’s own

his mother and father split, and it was… kind of his fault? (which. he cries about a lot of inconsequential things, so you can bet that this fucked him up pretty bad)

[it wasn’t his fault – his mother sucks. but you can’t really convince him of that, just so y’all know]

he came out as gay when he was 12, and his mother… didn’t handle the news well. turns out his dad is bi though, so when Julian’s mother went off on him, his dad not only came to his defense but also realized that things weren’t going to work out with Julian’s mother at all

Julian’s dad has a new fiance, so it probably worked out for the best, but his mother still won’t talk to him to this day

on the relationship side of things, Julian has been happily dating a boy named Mateo for a while now. Mateo plays for the university basketball team, so catch Julian cheering him on from the crowd

Bo Anderson

Bo was born in Sweden, but he moved to the states as a teen

Bo was going to be an older brother when he was four, but his mother miscarried because she was never in the best of physical health herself

four years after that, she passed away of cancer, so it’s just Bo and his father now

Bo and his father are very close; although Bo can talk (albeit with a persistent stutter), his dad made an effort to become fluent in sign when he discovered that it was Bo’s preferred way of communication

their extended family still lives in Sweden, but Bo occasionally sees them during extended breaks

Bo is a sunshine boy, so the fact that Local Bastard Jared Jaslow fell for him was a Big Source of Amusement for the team, especially because Bo was completely oblivious about how timid Jared acted around him for the longest time

i decided to do both because i haven’t talked about patton and D At All (which is a crime) but i also want to talk about the No Brain Cell Squad (NBCS). that said, here are some Facts:

Patton and D:

pretty sure i’ve mentioned it outside of the context of this AU, but patton and D are like… pun central. puns to the nth degree. D really doesn’t seem the type, so for a while, no one suspects a thing. but then, he drops a bunch of musical puns one day at practice, and patton lights up like a christmas tree.

roman and logan are. suffering. (please help them.) 

patton once cursed in front of D – because, in the words of Captain Holt, “no one will ever believe you” – and D gained like 8000 Respect Patton Points at once

patton always brings extra heat packs to away games so he can offer them to D when the mittens inevitably Aren’t Enough to keep his hands warm

D usually steals little gifts for his friends and teammates (because FUCK capitalism), but he’ll actually pay if he’s buying a little present for patton because he knows it will bother pat if he doesn’t. patton finds the mere gesture of D paying touching on it’s own

patton and D butt heads quite a bit because patton is obstinate when it comes to his morals and D loves to lie, but they’re bonded by the fact that they are Fiercely Loyal to everyone on the team, including each other. someone says something mean to patton on the ice and D proceeds to chirp, trip, and crosscheck them all within the span of the next five minutes, all while going uncalled. someone says something cruel about D’s vitiligo, and patton checks them cleanly but Entirely Too Heavily against the endboards. 

Patton and the NBCS

patton and the trio very much emanate the energy of that vine where the children play extremely inappropriate music on the loudspeaker while their mother yells “NO!” in the background. patton’s a fun guy, after all, but his brand of fun involves infinitely less risk of getting arrested. patton tries to convince them to do safer (and less illegal things) often, but it’s… Not Very Effective. sorry, pat, you can’t cure stupid

the no brain cell squad does many, many dumb things All of the Time, and as a general rule of thumb, it always manages to give patton a Large Concern. on top of worrying about them getting arrested, patton’s oftentimes worried that they will somehow hurt themselves or others, which is fair because they alone account for most of the team injuries Off the Ice. 

although patton’s never been able to stop the trio from doing stupid things, he has been able to talk down people that the trio has managed to upset with their shenanigans on the rare occasions that they get caught

payton is ceaselessly amused by how close his name is to patton’s own and has, on more than one occasion, accidentally referred to patton by his own name. 

alright, so outside of the Canon 8 and the 5 Submitted Characters (+Teddy, who was submitted a LONG time ago), there are 7 Whole Boys to cover. that said, i think i might split this into two posts – cover 4 boys now and 3 sometime a bit later. we’ll start with

Jared Jaslow (#24) – Position: Right Wing, First Line

jared is a bastard. an absolute bastard. i mean this in the kindest way possible, though, because he also has a fantastic sense of humor

jared is Chaotic Neutral; he isn’t as destructive as remus, but he also loves to enable Many, Many Shenanigans. he is the one that created the Silence Bottom bot, and he is also responsible for the Great Furry Debate of ‘18

jared is Very Bi and Ready to Try. everyone on this team is hot, and he’s suffering for it.

fun fact: jared was a recurring side character on a Disney show when he was 8 years old. this, he claims, is when he peaked as a human being.

jared works late nights at the movie theatre and oftentimes gets free tickets for the Boys. 

Payton O’Shaughnessy (#18) – Position: Left Wing, Second Line

payton is an energetic, happy guy, and he has also never had a single Intelligent Thought in his life

payton’s a party animal; he drinks like it’s going out of style, and he occasionally makes,,, questionable choices in the process. (he got his nipples pierced when he was drunk freshman year, and Nobody has let him live it down)

payton’s straight, but not like… Straight™. he WILL wolf whistle at his hot teammates, he DOES have a rainbow flag decal on his helmet, and hey. He’s Not Gay, but $20 is $20.

(payton might have become a frat bro if given the opportunity, but luckily, he ended up on a team of Good People)

payton: what the FUCK is a vegetable; logan: payton, you are going to die of scurvy

payton, after being asked Many Times in his youth, learned how to play the bagpipes. no, he’s not fucking joking. 

Peter Sullivan (#20) – Position: Right Wing, Third Line, Bearer of Logan’s Sins

peter is immune to poison ivy. he found this out when he was young, and he uses this fact to terrorize new freshmen. (his favorite gag is to find some poison ivy, and visibly rub it on his face in front of his horrified peers)

peter has chromesynesthesia, meaning that sounds translate to colors for him. it isn’t uncommon for him to text the groupchat about his whereabouts and follow it up with a statement such as “sounds pretty purple, lads.”

a freshman once asked if the synesthesia makes playing hockey hard, but he’s so used to the colors that hockey sounds make by now that it is honestly a non-issue 

peter is a Chronically Sweaty boy. it doesn’t matter whether or not he is exercising; if he is existing, then you can assume that he is sweating as well

peter is a master at beer pong; whereas logan can catch anything thrown his way, peter can sink almost anything instead. (he would do well in basketball if he didn’t Hate Running so much)

David Santos (#16) – Position: Center, Third Line

david is the lightweight to end all lightweights. two shots in, he feels pretty inebriated.

once, david and his twin, gabriel, went to separate hair stylists without conferring with one another to get their hair done, and they accidentally requested the EXACT SAME HAIRCUT. they truly share a single braincell.

david cannot grow facial hair to save his life. (logan and virgil silently empathize). 

david used to hit the whip ironically, but now he can’t stop