#janzerella

There comes a time in every superhero’s career when, despite the thousands of reasons for it being a terrible idea, and despite all the warnings right here in this handy dandy guide, they decide to reveal their secret identity to someone else (reason #225: they’re going to keep asking you autographs and really just drive down the value of your autograph on the secondary market.) Maybe they’ll do it because they’re tired of keeping their secret from a loved one. Maybe they’ll do it because they need someone’s help and they want to gain their trust. Maybe they’ll do it some bad guy thinks some other random dude is them and they don’t want to endanger said random civilian. Maybe they’ll do it because they’re huge drama queens and nothing exciting has happened in a while and they are just bored. Whatever your reason for revealing your secret identity may be, you only really get one shot at revealing your secret to any given person (assuming you’re the kind of person who doesn’t like wiping people’s memories all willy nilly,) so you’re going to want to milk it for all it’s worth. (Reason #34: You just know they’re going to dress up as you at every costume party they’re invited to just to piss you off.)

First you need to consider settings. Are you going to do it on the person’s balcony in the middle of a rainstorm? At a public press conference? While riding on a giant eagle? Standing atop a large building with a megaphone and a large, bright banner and the banner is written in really big bubble letters and the letters are filled in with colors that clash with the outlines of the letters and really the whole thing is just a huge mess because also you didn’t really budget for room when you started outlining the banner (always gotta start with a layer of pencil come on man) and so the letters get like progressively smaller and honestly this is not the right way to go about doing this (this sentence is a mess grammatically. This is what happens when my editor goes away for the summer). When deciding on a setting for your dramatic reveal you need to take into consideration how big of a spectacle you want to make. If you’re doing a controlled reveal to one or at most a few people, a more private setting such as perhaps a dark alley or someone’s bedroom is more ideal. (Reason #168: Now that they know you’re a superhero they’re going to try to find and sneak into your hideout and the laser shooting robot alligators you have as security are for sure going to murder them.)

Next you need to decide who you’re going to be when you make the big reveal. Are you going to be Ms. Stupefication, champion of the Rocky Mountains and surrounding towns and suburbs? Or are you going to be Jan, unassuming lawyer from the Rocky Mountains and surrounding towns and suburbs. This may seem like a distinction without a difference. After all, isn’t the whole point of this to change those two people into one in the mind of whoever you’re doing this for? But, practically, it makes a huge difference. (Reason #47: They’re going to keep asking you to introduce them to more famous superheroes as if you’re not enough for them.) Ms. Stupefication wouldn’t be in Jan’s boyfriend’s tattoo parlor in the normal course of events. That would be a pretty clear sign that something is up. You’re at a major risk of blowing the surprise early in that case. (Reason #219: If they’re a good friend they’re going to get really defensive anytime someone else bashes your superhero identity and that’s going to raise questions.) If you’re going to do it in superhero mode without giving the secret away too early really the only way to do it is during the course of a dramatic rescue. Meaning Jannifer (Janzerella, Janbo, Jango Unchained the D Is So Silent That Now It’s Just Gone,) would have to wait until her boyfriend is in mortal peril before dramatically unmasking herself in front of him. Just while I’m on this track for a second, mask wearing superheroes have way more potential for dramatic reveals if you’re doing it in superhero mode. Just another reason to wear a full-faced balaclava. Jan however can reveal her identity as Ms. Stupefication in a more intimate setting which makes the gesture all the more special if maybe a little less surprising and dramatic. (Reason #344: They’re definitely going to want to tweet about it.)

Next, you need to decide how exactly you’re going to do it. You can do it in song form, and sing about your fantastic double life and your remarkable ability to make things explode by touching them. But again, as we’ve discussed, most superheroes are not capable songwriters. You’d have to outsource that (to me). And you’d probably have to reveal your secret identity to the person you get to write the song. And how are you going to reveal it to them? Also in song??? How many secret identity revealing songs were you planning on getting written? (I can write a bunch. As many as you need). You can do it in the form of grand dramatic speech, that’s a neat method, if you’re good at writing grand dramatic speeches. If you’re not, I’d avoid it. You don’t want to make a lame sounding grand dramatic speech. That’d probably ruin the moment. (Reason #12: What if they’ve also secretly been living a double life. Only they’ve secretly been a supervillain this whole time.) You can casually mention it offhand while eating dinner or something. Though that would probably be a tad anticlimactic. Don’t do that. Unless it’s a really nice dinner. Like Macaroni and cheese. Or fried snaglorps from the Rigel System, if you’re into that kind of thing. Or you can write them a letter and then hand it to them and then awkwardly stand there in front of them as they read the letter. Or you can write them a letter and then mail it to them and not even be there when they find out. Really there are a plethora of ways to go about this. Oh! You can lead them on a wildly convoluted scavenger hunt where each clue leads to another clue that is more intricate and challenging than the last and the final clue is the big reveal that really you’ve been Titanium Pig Man, the twelve-foot-tall pig man that defends Paris, Texas all this time. (Reason #301: They’re definitely going to bring up the fact that they know a superhero every time they play two truths and a lie.)