#janus writes

He looked up at Logan. "Hello, darling." He took in Logan's expression, furrowed brows and slight frown, and became concerned. "You seem troubled, Logan, is everything alright?"

"I'm fine," Logan assured. "Are you?"

Janus may have been dissociated, but he wasn't stupid. He knew what Logan was getting at and decided to deflect.

He placed a hand on Logan's, which was still on his shoulder. "Better now that you're here."

"Flattery will not deter me. Are you dissociating again?"

Janus looked in a random direction to avoid eye contact. "No."

"For the embodiment of deception, your lying skills could use some work."

Janus sighed. "It's fine, love."

"It is not. Would you like to do a grounding exercise?"

"I'm so sick of the grounding exercises."

"It's certainly better than the alternative."

"Is it?"

Janus closed his eyes and wished he hadn't said that.

"Is doing a grounding exercise better than dissociating? I'm inclined to say yes."

Janus sighed. "It just feels so... pointless. We chase it away and it keeps coming back. It's exhausting. After a while you just... wanna give up."

Logan knelt down to meet Janus at eye level. "Do you not feel better once the dissociation has passed? Is that not worth fighting for?"

Janus didn't have any arguments left in him.

"Why don't you get a shower?" Logan suggested.

Janus smirked. "Why? Do I smell that bad?"

A hint of a smile appeared on Logan's face. "No, it might help with the dissociation."

Janus sighed. "It's so much effort taking a shower. I have to get up, get clothes and a towel, go into the bathroom, turn on the water and adjust the settings, get in the shower- you see what I'm getting at here?"

"You're breaking it down too much. It might help if you view it in three steps; prepare for your shower, get in the shower, and get dried and dressed."

Janus saw no reason to argue with him. "Alright, I suppose. I'm sorry, I don't mean to make everything so difficult."

"You're not making anything difficult. It's just that certain things happen to be difficult at the moment. And that's perfectly alright."

Janus felt a sudden swirl of emotion in his chest. He finally looked at Logan. "You'll be here, right? When I get out of the shower?"

Logan held his hands. "Always."

Janus wanted to smile, and tried, but there was no telling how it actually looked. Hopefully Logan knew how much Janus loved him.

Step one: prepare for the shower.

Janus managed to climb out of bed, going to his dresser and getting some clothing. He had towels in his bathroom, so that was taken care of. It seemed that step one was already done.

Step two: get in the shower.

Janus turned on the water, piping hot. He stepped in and let the water flow over him. All he could do was stand in place for a moment. The water felt especially nice on his scales. After a moment, he finally began washing his hair and body, and it was as though he was washing his dissociation away.

Step three: get dried and dressed.

Janus was actually rather reluctant to step out of the shower. He managed, drying himself off with a towel and putting on the clothes he picked out.

Except the shirt he picked clung to his skin in the worst possible way and he couldn't stand it another moment.

Taking off his shirt, he put his dirty clothes in the hamper and stepped out of his bathroom. He put the shirt back in the dresser and turned towards his bed.

He smirked at the way he caught Logan staring.

"I traded dissociation for mild sensory overload, so... no shirt."

"Ah, I understand. Does that mean the shower helped?"

Janus walked over and laid down on his side of the bed. "I'm still a little fuzzy around the edges, but... it did. Thank you."

"Of course, dear. Is there anything you need?"

Janus gave him a sheepish look. "I... I-I'll do a... grounding exercise."

Logan smiled briefly. "Alright. Five things you can see?"

Janus looked around. "Bookshelf... painting... TV, dresser, and... you." He smiled over at Logan.

Logan grinned. "Very good. Four things you can touch?"

"Blanket... pants... um...." He reached over to his nightstand and picked up an abandoned mug. "This mug. And...." He held Logan's hand. "You."

Logan's cheeks turned pink. "Excellent. Three things you can hear?"

Janus listened closely to his surroundings, chuckling slightly. "Uh, Roman singing musical numbers next door... um, the ceiling fan... and...." Janus leaned over and rested his head against Logan's chest, listening to the gentle thump of his heartbeat. "You."

"Good job. Two things you can smell?"

Janus inhaled deeply. "Me and you."

"And one thing you can taste."

Janus leaned back to look into Logan's amber eyes. He pressed his lips against Logan's, smiling softly as they kissed. He pulled away after a moment.

"You."

Logan's cheeks were fiery red now, his eyes filled with stars. "Only you could turn a grounding exercise into an opportunity to flirt."

Janus grinned. "I'm a hopeless romantic, what can I say?"

"Hopeless sounds right," Logan teased.

Janus chuckled. "God, I love you."

"Hello, Janus."

Logan's calm, cool voice would be heavenly on any other day, but not today. Today it was loud and grating, even if Janus felt guilty for feeling that way.

Janus responded to Logan's greeting by throwing his pillow at him.

"As I'm aware that you're not feeling like yourself, I'm willing to let that slide. Have you taken the ibuprofen Patton left you?"

So that wasn't a dream. Just his luck.

Janus groaned in response.

"I can only presume that's a no. Can you at least look at me, please?"

Janus sighed deeply. "Are the lights off?" he murmured into his mattress.

"The only light in the room is coming from the window. Would you like me to close the curtains?"

"Yes, please."

A moment of silence passed, and Janus considered going back to sleep. Then again, Logan was a persistent one, and would likely wake him back up. Not worth it.

"There. Your room is almost as dark as Virgil's."

Janus smirked. "Excellent." He slowly managed to roll over onto his back, looking up at Logan and feeling rather jealous of how well put together he looked.

"I recommend taking some ibuprofen and drinking plenty of water. Are you willing to sit up?"

Janus groaned. "You're asking a lot of me, Logan."

"I understand your current state might be making things unnecessarily difficult, but I promise you, this is for your own good."

Janus sighed. "How'd you even know I was hungover, anyway?"

"There were two factors. The first was when I overheard you and Patton in the hallway last night, which you may or may not remember."

Janus's face flushed with shame.

"The second was Patton informing me just a few moments ago."

"You could've led with that," Janus pointed out grumpily.

Logan grinned. "Yes, well, I must admit I was hoping you would remember the events of last night as I wanted to see the look on your face when you realized I heard you express the desire to 'hang out'."

Janus groaned. "You smug bastard."

Logan's smile grew, and Janus found himself thankful for it.

Janus suddenly realized what Logan said. "Wait... Patton told you about... last night?"

"Nothing in great detail, just that you drank more than you thought you had and needed assistance getting to bed. Though, if you need to talk about anything regarding last night's events, I'm more than willing to listen."

Janus wanted to talk to him, but what was there to talk about? He was drinking because of his crush on Logan and Roman. He drunkenly confessed to Patton that he had a crush on Logan and Roman. Not much happened last night that didn't involve Logan or Roman.

"I only really remember bits and pieces. Drinking with Patton, the hallway... thing, little things like that."

Logan furrowed his brows. "Drinking with Patton? So Patton... drank alcohol?"

"I introduced him to port wine."

Logan's eyebrows raised. "I see. He did not inform me of this. Though, I suppose his main concern was your well-being."

Janus looked over at the ibuprofen and the water bottle on his bedside table. He managed to climb into a sitting position before reaching over for the water and painkillers. There was a note there that read "get well soon!" with a cartoony smiley face. Janus couldn't help but grin.

He opened the pill bottle and grabbed two of them, taking them with the water.

"I also recommend eating something. Are you willing to come downstairs or should I bring you a plate?"

Janus hated the idea of leaving bed and the idea of being helped pretty much equally. Logan had doted on him long enough, Janus wouldn't let him serve him breakfast in bed.

"I'll go downstairs, but I'm gonna complain the entire time."

Logan grinned. "Fair enough. Do you need help getting out of bed?"

"Absolutely not. I'm fine."

Perhaps the blanket statement "I'm fine" wasn't entirely accurate, but it was his go-to.

He swung his legs over the side of the bed and took a quick breath. He got to his feet with hardly a stumble. Logan stood close by in case he needed assistance, which Janus both appreciated and loathed.

As they walked, Janus felt the need to express his gratitude. Logan was always there for everyone, it was one of the things Janus loved about him.

"Um... thank you. For... being here... for me."

Logan was looking at him, but Janus refused to meet his eyes.

"Of course. In spite of how things started, I do care about your well-being. You're an important part of Thomas, and I hope you know that."

Janus's heart was doing somersaults in his chest. He didn't ask for emotional warfare this early in the morning, whatever time it was.

Janus scoffed. "You're such a sap."

"I most certainly am not."

"That was the sappiest shit I've ever heard, and I've seen Roman recite Shakespeare in the Mindpalace Theatre."

Logan rolled his eyes, but there was no malice to be found.

They reached the kitchen, where everyone else was sat at the table. Janus sat by Patton and Logan sat by Roman.

"Hey, kiddo, how you feeling?" Patton greeted softly.

"Like shit," Janus replied bluntly.

"Yeah, I heard someone got shitfaced last night," Remus teased.

Janus rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, make your jokes while I'm over here slowly dying."

"God, you're dramatic," Virgil murmured with a grin.

"Sorry, who was it that cried for fourteen hours when My Chemical Romance announced their reunion tour?" Janus shot back with a grin of his own.

Virgil sighed. "I hate you."

"Hate you too, buddy."

Roman cleared his throat. "Well, since everyone is here, Logan and I have a bit of an announcement!"

"You're pregnant!" Remus exclaimed.

Roman sighed. "No, not even close." He looked over at Logan. "You wanna tell them, or should I?"

"I know you want to tell them, so you do it."

Janus's stomach was up in knots for reasons he didn't want to think about.

It only worsened when Roman took Logan's hand.

"Logan and I have been dating in secret for a few months now, and... now we're officially boyfriends!"

Janus felt his heart drop into his stomach.

This couldn't be happening. He couldn't believe it. He didn't want to believe it.

He tried so hard to smile.

"Woah, what?" Virgil asked around a mouthful of pancake.

"Ooh, I thought I saw a certain look between you two!" Remus exclaimed. "That's fun!"

"Yeah, kiddos, I'm so happy for you!" Patton said, though Janus could tell his heart wasn't in it.

Janus needed to say something.

"I'm happy for you." He gave them both as sincere a smile as he could muster. "Both of you."

"Thanks, guys," Roman said with a smile. "We- well, I wanted to tell you guys sooner, but Logan and I both agreed that we should wait and see how things worked out. Now that we're boyfriends, we figured it was time to, uh, figuratively spill the beans."

Janus had noticed Roman using the term "figuratively" more often. He hadn't thought much of it, he just thought Logan was influencing him a bit.

How had he not noticed something between them? Denial? Idiocy? He would likely never know for sure.

It was undeniable now, though. They loved each other, and they would never love him.

"Janus?"

Janus whirled around to see Patton standing at the entrance to the kitchen, wearing a sky blue pajama set. The sudden action left his brain swimming, and he groaned in discomfort.

"Patton? What brings you here?"

"I always do a quick check to make sure everyone's in their rooms around this time. Well, okay, mostly Virgil, but I've had to remind Logan and Roman of the time on occasion too."

Janus smirked. That sounded about right.

"I take it you're gonna drag me to bed?"

"I wouldn't say drag. More like... gently nudge?"

Janus scoffed. "Just let me finish this glass, and I'll be on my way."

"Oh, yeah, sure thing. You want some company? I bet drinking that stuff is way more fun with a friend."

Janus still couldn't believe they were friends. It was surreal to say the least.

"If you'd like."

Patton walked up to the table and sat across from Janus. Janus noticed the way he stared at the bottle and grinned.

"You wanna try it?"

Patton looked at Janus, his eyes widened. "Oh, uh, I don't know. I've never had anything like this before, I don't know if I'll like it."

Janus hummed. "Depending on the wine, it can be... bitter. I think you'd like port wine, though. It's a dessert wine."

Patton grinned. "Ooh, that sounds sweet!"

Janus summoned a bottle of rosé port wine and poured it in an appropriate glass.

"Do you like berries?" he asked.

"Yeah, I love berries!"

"Good. Rosé port has a strong berry flavor." Janus set the bottle down and held out the glass. "Would you like to try it?"

Patton seemed to give it some thought, and Janus was patient with him. This was a big decision, especially for a Side like Patton.

"And you're sure I'll like it?"

"While I can't guarantee anything, this is the type of wine I think suits your tastes. Don't worry if you don't like it, I understand that any sort of alcohol is... an acquired taste."

Patton took a quick breath. "Alright. Sure, why not? The worst that could happen is I don't like it, right?"

Technically the worst that could happen is Patton loves it to the point of developing an addiction, but Janus figured saying that would only stress him out.

"Sure."

Patton took the glass, adjusting his hold on it a couple times. He held it so that the stem went between his fingers and he held it from the bottom. "Is this how you hold it?"

Janus grinned. "I'm not sure there's a wrong way of holding it."

Patton nodded, staring at the drink. Janus took a sip of his own drink as he waited.

Patton surprised him a bit when he suddenly took a very quick drink of the wine, downing all of it in one go. His nose scrunched up as he swallowed it.

"Those berries are powerful."

Janus chuckled. "I told you the flavor was strong. So... do you not like it?"

Patton paused, considering. "No, it's good. It just caught me off guard a bit, that's all."

"Well, I'm glad you like it." Janus drank the last of his own wine. "I suppose we should head back to our rooms."

"Yeah, sounds good. Am I drunk yet?"

Janus snorted. "I'd say probably not. Even you can survive a tiny glass of wine."

Patton nodded. "Alright. Okay, yeah, let's go to bed."

Janus waved a hand to clear the table of the wine and glasses. He got to his feet and nearly stumbled back into his chair.

"You okay?" Patton asked as he stood up, putting a hand on Janus's shoulder.

The room was moving.

"I... may have overestimated myself tonight."

"How much did you drink?"

"Um... I'm not sure. I was thinking really hard about something and just... stopped keeping track."

"Do you need help getting to your room?"

Janus hated asking for help. He felt vulnerable asking for help. Though he hated to admit it, at this moment, he technically was vulnerable.

"Maybe," he finally responded.

Patton let Janus lean on him a bit as they made their way to Janus's room. Patton would praise him every few steps, and he hated how much his ego absolutely devoured it.

As they got closer to his room, he only got more and more intoxicated, as the alcohol coursed through his body. He hated getting this drunk, it was embarrassing.

Randomly, thoughts of Roman and Logan floated back into his head. He wondered what they were doing. Were they asleep or working late? He hoped they were asleep, they needed to take care of themselves.

They passed Logan's room on the way to his own, and he tried to stop.

"What? What is it?" Patton asked.

"D'you think Logan's up?" he asked, words slurring together. "We should hang out with Logan."

"No, no, kiddo, it's a bit late for that," Patton said amusedly. What was so funny?

"What about Roman? He's fun."

"Tell you what, kiddo, if you get to bed and sleep for at least eight hours, we can hang out with Logan and Roman all day long tomorrow."

Janus pumped a fist in the air. "Yes!"

"Shhh!" Patton shushed. He was laughing, though. What was he laughing at?

Finally, they reached Janus's door. Patton opened it and led him inside.

"Y'know somethin'?" Janus asked.

"Yeah, kiddo?" Patton replied as he helped Janus get into bed.

"I think... Logan and Roman... would be the cutest couple."

Patton grinned. "Oh, really?"

Janus nodded. "Mhm. I mean, they butt heads a lot, but they always come to an understanding in the end, y'know? They work good together."

Patton nodded. "Hm. Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Kind of a shame, though," Janus murmured.

"What do you mean?"

"I just really like Logan and Roman."

The weight of what Janus just said didn't hit him in his drunken state.

"Oh," Patton said softly. Then his eyes went wide. "Oh!"

Janus fumbled with his covers, trying to get under them.

"Oh, kiddo, don't you wanna get dressed first?"

Janus looked down at his usual outfit, complete with capelet. He looked back up at Patton with furrowed brows. "I am dressed."

"Dressed for bed."

Janus sighed. "I mean, sure, if you think it's necessarily necessary."

"Okay, I'll get you some clothes, you stay right there."

Janus flashed him a grin and a thumbs up.

Patton went through his dresser drawers in search of clothes. Drunk Janus was pretty sure Sober Janus would be having heart palpitations knowing someone was looking through his stuff, but Drunk Janus was too busy staring at his hands to care.

"Patton, why're my hands yellow?" he mumbled.

"Those are gloves, Janus," Patton informed him.

"Oh, yeah."

"Now, kiddo, about, uh... you liking Logan and Roman, are you sure you wanted to tell me that?"

Janus finally looked over at Patton. "What do you mean?"

Patton closed a drawer and stood back up with some clothes in hand. "I just mean... well, you're very... secretive. And that seems like something... well, honestly, it seems like something you'd take to your grave."

Janus supposed his feelings for them would normally bring him stress and guilt and embarrassment. Right now, however, he felt like confessing to them. Maybe reciting a poem if he had time.

He shrugged. "I dunno. I mean... sometimes I just... feel like exploding 'cause of my feelings. And saying it out loud feels better. And right now I wanna say it out loud. I love them. I have for a while. They make me feel... like I can do anything in the world. I don't think they'd ever return my feelings, but it's fine. I've made peace with it."

"Oh, Janus," Patton murmured. "Listen, why don't you get dressed, get some sleep, and we can talk about this more tomorrow?"

Janus felt a jolt of fear as he looked up at Patton. "You're leaving me, aren't you?"

Patton blinked a few times. "Do you... not want me to?"

Janus shook his head. "You're making the bad feelings stop."

Patton took in a shaky breath. "Oh. Of course I can stay with you, as long as you need me to."

Janus smiled. "Good. Thank you."

"No problem."

Janus managed to get dressed on his own, which he was thankful for even in his drunken state. He plopped down on his bed, trying and failing to tuck himself in.

He then looked over at Patton, who had turned his back while Janus got dressed.

"You gonna sleep?" Janus asked.

Patton turned around and cleared his throat. "Uh... should I summon an inflatable mattress or something?"

"There's plenty of bed in this bed," Janus assured. "Unless you're not comfy with that."

Patton paused for a moment. "I'm comfy with it if you're comfy with it."

Janus made grabby hands at Patton.

Patton slowly and awkwardly made his way over to the bed. He got in, and Janus was quick to cuddle him. He chuckled softly.

"Are you always this clingy when you're drunk?"

"The question is, am I always this drunk when I'm clingy? And the answer... yeah, probably."

Patton chuckled again. "Get some sleep, kiddo."

“Yes, Thomas?”

Thomas sighed softly. “Logan, I’m worried that I’m losing my mind.”

Logan raised a brow. “Do you have supporting evidence?”

Thomas chuckled. “Well, my Lego set just spoke to me, so that’s exhibit A.”

Logan paused for a long moment. “An inanimate object communicated with you?”

“Yeah! Crazy, right?”

Logan paused again. “Not necessarily.”

Thomas blinked. “Um… what?”

“I believe this is a subject that requires multiple points of view, so if you don’t mind, I’d like to bring the others into this discussion.”

“I mean, sure, go ahead.”

Logan summoned Patton, Virgil, and Roman.

“I’m sure you’re wondering why I’ve gathered you all here today.”

Roman sighed. “Just get to the point, Fig Neutron.”

“Apologies, I’ve just always wanted to say that. Thomas, would you like to explain the situation?”

Thomas awkwardly cleared his throat. “Um… my, uh, my Lego castle… spoke to me.”

Surprisingly, Patton smiled in delight. “That’s so exciting!”

“It’s actually a little terrifying, but… thank you?”

“So, wait, Thomas doesn’t know…?” Virgil began, trailing off mid sentence.

“It would appear that we have to explain it to him.”

Thomas was getting overwhelmed by lack of context. “Explain what?”

“Perception of object sentience, individuality, and consciousness. POSIC for short. All of us experience some form of it, and it is now likely that you do as well.”

Thomas was reeling from the fact that there was an actual term for what just happened. “Wait… so… objects talk to you guys, too?”

“So far, only one object has spoken to me, but yes,” Logan confirmed.

“I don’t really hear objects talk, but I sorta… feel what they feel,” Patton said.

“Yes, there are many different forms of communication with companions.”

“Companions?” Thomas asked.

“That’s the term used to describe an object you perceive as sentient.”

“One of my companions is my sword!” Roman declared, brandishing his sword proudly. “Its name is Alexander.”

“Oh, I have so many companions!” Patton said with a smile. “Pepper, Smokey, Sammy, Diego, Bunny, Momo, Carmen, I mean the list goes on! Oh!” Patton revealed a Tamagotchi that was on a necklace around his neck that he had hidden under his shirt. “Can’t forget my Tamagotchi, Pickles! She’s going off to college soon.” He sighed forlornly. “I’m gonna miss my little digital kiddo.”

Thomas was pretty sure Tamagotchis didn’t attend college, but decided against mentioning it.

Virgil cleared his throat. “My, uh, my headphones, my hoodie… my spider plushie.”

“Your what now?” Patton asked.

“She’s not a real spider, Patton.”

Thomas ran a hand through his hair. “I just… how did I not know any of this?”

“Well, if Janus is proof of anything, it’s that anything can be kept secret, even from our Human,” Logan pointed out.

“I mean… I guess you have a point there. Wait, is Janus… and Remus…?”

“They are POSIC, if that’s what you mean.”

“Oh, Remus has the cutest hoarde!” Patton chirped. “He almost has as many stuffed animals as I do!”

“And that’s saying something,” Virgil commented.

“Wow,” Thomas murmured. “So… I’m… POSIC?”

“Considering this is a one time occurrence, it’s hard to say,” Logan replied. “Have you tried communicating with your Lego castle since hearing it speak?”

“I… not really. I was just sorta… waiting to hear it speak again. Um… so should I… talk to my Lego’s? Never thought I’d say that.”

“Yeah!” Patton encouraged. “It may feel a little awkward at first, but you should at least try!”

Thomas took a quick breath. “Um, okay.” He looked at the castle, unsure of what to say. “So… um… how’s things?”

After a pause, he heard a very faint voice in his head. Not too bad, just lonely.

Thomas looked up at the Sides. “Did you hear that or was that just me?”

“We’re a part of you, so we heard it too,” Logan said.

“Somehow I’m not surprised that Thomas’s first companion was a Lego set,” Roman teased.

Thomas scoffed. “Ha, ha. Well… guess I, uh… have a new friend to talk to?”

“Do you have any questions about what it’s like to be POSIC?” Logan asked.

Thomas paused. “Do you know what causes it?”

“There are many different factors that could contribute to it. Autism, synesthesia, animism, psychosis, trauma, just to name a few.”

Thomas raised his brows. “Well that’s something to look into, I guess. Thanks, guys.”

“Of course.”

“This is so exciting!” Roman exclaimed. “I can’t wait to see how many companions Thomas will collect!”

“And this definitely explains why all of us are POSIC,” Logan added.

“I kinda had a feeling Thomas was POSIC,” Virgil said. “I mean… since we all are.”

“Alright, Thomas, we’ll let you and your companion get to know each other,” Patton said with a smile. His Tamagotchi suddenly began beeping. “Oh, Pickles is calling! See you kiddos later!” He sank out, fiddling with the buttons on his Tamagotchi.

“Would you look at the time? Alexander and I have a date!” Roman declared.

Thomas furrowed his brows. “A date? With your… sword?”

Roman paused. “Yes,” he answered awkwardly.

“I believe the objectum discussion should wait until the POSIC discussion fully sinks in,” Logan said.

“That sounds like a fun conversation,” Virgil said sarcastically before sinking out.

Roman chuckled awkwardly. “Yeah, I can’t help but feel I’ve made things confusing! I’m just gonna… hang out with Alexander! Farewell!” Roman sank out.

“Logan,” Thomas began. “Thanks. I really felt like I was… losing my mind.”

“I felt similarly when I first began communicating with Milo, my companion. I was… embarrassed. But I learned that it’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s just something that certain people — and Sides, apparently — experience. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

Thomas nodded. “I guess the human mind is pretty complex.”

“That’s putting it mildly. Now that the issue at hand seems to be resolved, I suppose it’s time for me to get back to work.”

“Before you go… may I ask who — or what — Milo is?”

Logan’s cheeks went red. “Um… it is… an empty jar of Crofters. The first jar I ever ate, in fact.”

Thomas smiled. “That’s kind of adorable.”

“No it isn’t.”

“Yes it is.”

“No it’s not, and I’m leaving now.” Logan quickly sank out, and Thomas couldn’t help but chuckle.