#jan4th

Guess it's day two of the blog. Not much has changed since yesterday but here we go.

To start I don't think I feel much different from yesterday. I have my moments of being okay but majorly things are the same and I still feel a bit stuck with this feeling. I kind of want to be taken care of at times and cared for like I do for others but it feels like that's something I probably won't ever get. But whatever this is my issue so expecting others to care seems deluded lmao

I'm just still self centered and childish it seems. Just don't want to be stuck with my own feelings while being expected to help others. ugh whatever I'm just a crybaby and ignoring those that do try to be there.

Maybe I've just always been so closed off that people assume they don't need to be there for me. It feels like my fault I suppose I don't even talk to many people but there is genuinely maybe one person that asks how I'm doing like actually and even then I just say okie 90% of the time because I don't want to actually gauge my current state. I think I'm rarely okay and I feel helpless admitting that.

It's such an ironic thought and anxiety. I want to be taken care of yet I do no want to come across as something that needs to be taken care of or someone that appears like a burden. So I just shut down and shut up. I guess because I don't care about myself it's easier to assume that others don't either.

I started posting on social media more lately. I feel like I have much more alone time lately and I should just find ways to waste and open up more even if slightly. I've just started posting about my manga reads on tiktok. I think it'll be something I continue to do throughout the year along with this blog. There's no real point in it but that's okay I like to think. If I tried to find a point in most things I wouldn't be doing anything really.

I miss talking to actual people and I've been taking note of how long I go without speaking and I go very long without speaking a word at times. I catch myself thinking I'm talking but really I'm just thinking lmao am I losing it?? I have no idea but sometimes I wonder if there would be any change if I decided to just stop speaking all together for awhile.