#jamie masterlist

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After sitting in prison for six months Jamie decided to use his savings and move Stef and Aaron out the ends. You never imagined living like this in your mid twenties, with a boyfriend shotting and his two brothers who regarded him as a father figure. No part of it felt forced. Aaron was responsible and Stef made you smile regularly, there were things you didn't like but they weren't dealbreakers. You look over at Jamie as he drives you home from the shops and reach over to admire his fresh trim.

“You look nice babe” you flirt.

“Do I?” he asks, making you smile.

“Somethings different, can't put my finger on it” you tease.

“It’s probably that pre-pound town glow” he teases back and you smack him playfully.

“Dickhead” you laugh.

“It’s all youre when we get in” he jokes, lately he’s been around more than usual and you've been having more sex than usual. It's a change you've been enjoying.

“No it's not. I told Stef and Aaron we could do a family film night.” you explain.

Jamie sighs, “They won't be back for a bit we can be quick”

You smile at his neediness. “I have to set up, you know Stef and Aaron like different flavours of popcorn”

“You know you're not their maid.” Jamie counters.

“Jamie, I cook the least next to you and they clean up after themselves. I can make them popcorn.” you snap and he holds his hands up in surrender.

“Make me something too?” he asks.

“Anything, or course” you smile.

“It’ll take long” he warns.

“Jamie, shut up. I said I'll do it for you okay you big baby” you laugh getting into the driveway. Jamie helps you carry in the groceries. It takes a while and you begin packing away things and loading the fridge.

“How are you for money, I know this ain't cheap” Jamie asks being a help.

“I’m good.”

“Nah, i'll leave some P’s on the nightstand for you and we can go to Harrods next week” he says, always making you a priority.

“Jamie” you protest the money isnt why you're here. You love him.

“Don't Jaime me baby” he says.

“Fine i’ll go get another bag that I can pawn if shit hits the fan again”

“Nothings hitting the fan,” he assures and you reach into the shopping bag to find the box of condoms you purchased.

“Can you put these in the bedroom?” you ask.

“Give them to Aaron” Jamie suggests.

“You said you were almost out so I bought some,” you remind.

“I’m not seeing anyone else, neither are you. Were solid I don't think I need to strap up”

“Jamie, I’m not on the pill” you remind him.

“Thought you were doing natural tracking?” he asks so in tune with your body's schedules and cycles.

“I am but Jamie, you can't keep your hands off of me - we will get pregnant” you explain.

“I know,” he says casually, taking off his jumper. Your brows bunch as you look him over.

“What?” You question.

“If I don't strap up you'll get pregnant” he affirms.

“Babe”

“This house has six bedrooms, that's more than enough space for a little one.” Jamie says.

“When did you decide this?” You ask unsure whether to be excited, terrified or upset.

“Don’t get loud luv, it's your fault.”

You scoff “My fault?”

“You're a natural. I see how you look after Stef, how you take care of me and I love you - so why not?” he asks.

“Jamie, are you serious?” you ask sceptical.

“Yes” he says, tucking your hair behind your ear. “Besides you just told me you would make me something even if it takes long. Bun in the oven takes about ten months right?” he says, winking.

“A baby?” You ask nearly hysterically with laughter.

“Our child” he specifies being serious. “My bloodline, you know I'll be a great dad and I know you'll be an amazing mum. My brothers will help out, your mum is welcome to stay over and help you recover after the birth but I'm serious.” he explains having thought it all through. He could picture you with the baby bump, the look of you waddling around, rubbing your feet, attending appointments, seeing the sonogram pictures, arguing over names. Sleepless nights and seeing his son or daughter in his arms. Knowing there is another piece of him in this world. Babies brought happiness to his household and he enjoyed Stef as a baby, his own child wouldn't be any different.

“Jamie, I'd need you to be around more” you reason.

“When have you called and I have not come?” he asks, holding your waist.

“Never” you admit and he smiles, making you follow suit.

“I’ll be daddy for real, so you'll have to stop calling me that. The kid will be confused” he jokes.

“I'll think about it”

“Well tonight’s a low probability night right? So we can practise” Jamie smiles.

You don't even have time to process as Stef and Aaron come in.

“Hey” you smile starting on the popcorn after being railroaded.

“Hey” Stef smiles.

“I’m running a little behind if you guys want to shower first” you offer.

“Nah, they can help,” Jamie says. “We can all help” he corrects once you glare at him. His brothers laugh. Stef reaches in the bag and takes out the condoms.

“Uh” he says uncomfortably, mistaking the contents of the bag for groceries.

“Those are for Aaron” Jamie says without missing a beat. “Be safe with Abby” he adds.

The kitchen smells like the cinema in no time and everyone pitches in. You gather around the tv to watch something wholesome and light hearted. You and Jamie tucked off into your own corner of the sectional. Jamie pushes Stef away from you everytime he tries to get close. When the film is finished the boys clean up letting you decompress from the day. When you get out of the shower you see Jamie ready for bed.

“So, I’ve been doing some reading. What should we practise for? A girl or a boy?” he asks, being relentless.

“Context” you ask, putting your hair up.

“You usually like the boy positions” he says, coming in for a kiss and making you laugh.

“So, I’m going to be even more outnumbered,” you laugh.

“Girl can be number two” he says, making you laugh because you haven't even agreed to number one.

— Don't forget to let me know how you feel about this one or the new season.

All the hearsay has been haunting him. The whispers from his fellow inmates and people outside his crew have been getting to him too. The only thing keeping Jamie from losing his mind is the news that his brothers are fine and that his release day is in a few hours. He’s spent too much time in this cell for a crime he never committed. He should be focused on business or revenge but he’s focused on you. He’d heard your name with too many other guys, and at parties without him. He wondered how the fuck could you be enjoying yourself so much while he was in a cage. He wanted to ask his boys but knew better, they’d never tell him the truth and add to his issues. Besides, things had been low key before he went to prison for your safety. Jamie was fine with keeping it that way then, but now, it was making him paranoid. After the violation that landed him in prison he was more and more suspicious of who to trust. Let his brothers tell it you’re an angel who’s been there in his absence. But when you and Jamie started sneaking around and there were whispers then too. The similarities only made him more suspicious of these. It’d take you five months to be convinced of your safety while being with him. Quiet as it’s kept Jamie found himself falling for you. The feeling was mutual. Jamie was different. He was intense and compassionate with a different attention to detail. A loving perfectionist is what lay under the hard exterior.

…

Looking at yourself in the mirror you smile. Everything is perfect to Jamie’s liking.  You have his gifts ready, his favourite food and anything else he’ll need. A knock at the door draws you out. You smile seeing him relief washes over you as you lose yourself in the moment. Your eyes close at the scent of him. His arms are where you feel most safe. The moment lasts long but not long enough before he pulls away.

“Welcome home babe” you smile tiptoeing for a kiss but Jamie steps back.

“If I’m babe what’s this I hear about you and wastemen?” He asks, spinning your head.

“Jamie, have you lost the plot?” you ask trying to kiss him again.

“Nah, we were sneaky links. You got a next man too?” He asks and tears threaten to sting your eyes. You were beautiful to him, standing there with your hair in a messy updo and in a short pale pink negligee. He wanted you right there but the thought of another man even seeing you like this strokes his temper.

“A next man?” You repeat. “Are you accusing me of something?” you ask.

“Listen, I like you a lot but if you’re seeing other people let me know so I can pattern my moves” he sighs being the cold and calculated Jamie reserved for acquaintances.

“Pattern your moves?” You ask as he makes himself at home on the couch. He smiles seeing the gravity bong waiting for him along with other comforts. Candy for the munchies, his favourite crisps, liquor and strains of weed. “I’m not!” you shout.

“Watch your tone, yeah?” He grits. “Guys say you’ve been round the ends” he says twisting the grinder. What a prick. You find yourself thinking as he sits like a king questioning your virtue when you've been loyal.

“To look out for your brothers you idiot!” You shout. “To sleep in your room and to wear your hoodies because I missed you and your clothes smell like your cologne. To make sure the house was clean and they were getting along!” You shout. 

“Are you done shouting?” He asks, being cruel and detached.

“You keep sitting there being smug and this is only the beginning of my shouting!” You threaten and Jamie stands.

“Lower your tone,” he demands, looking down at you. 

“Why are you being like this?” You ask as a tear falls Jamie catches it before you can.

“Don’t cry, we said we’d be honest I’m being honest” he explains and you try to shove him back but he’s too strong.

“I’ve been waiting for you and this is what you do?” You cry. “Not everyone is betraying you Jamie.” You feel overwhelmed and betrayed.

“I'm sorry” He apologises, wiping your eyes again. He holds your face in his hands and your eyes well again. “I’m sorry I got it wrong luv”, he continues hating to see you cry.

“Don’t ‘luv’ me” you snap, swatting him away. 

“I don’t want any more uncertainty when it comes to us.”

“There is no us you asshole” you snap freeing your face from him. You start cleaning up the goodies on the table. The weed snacks the contraception. You’re angry enough to poke a hole in every condom to ensure you’re not drawn back in. 

It’s like Jamie reads your mind and snatches them first. His eyes are glued to your ass peeking out from the short night dress, sending heath through his body.

“I’m sorry Y/N, I didn’t mean to make you cry or upset. It’s just I hear bare chat about you and it eats away at me. Thinking about the next man piping my girl. A next man stepping in when I can’t. The next man in here getting the treatment you give me. Then I’m blaming myself for not making things official, then I’m thinking I did the right thing because it was dodgy for a minute. I could’ve done serious time, can’t expect you to wait” he sighs sitting down on the couch. He looks stressed, conflicted and angry. He’s trying his best not to be possessive and protective but it’s in his nature. If the feelings were not real he would’ve undressed you already. Piped you and left but he’d always wanted you, he’d always liked you more than that.

You sit beside him.

“You should know already that I only accept the best Jamie. None of those guys with big mouths are better than you. What happened was a dirty play and I don’t hold it against you. I never slept with anyone while you were away.” You confess and his eyes close in relief. He opens his arms for you to sit on his lap but you straddle him instead. It takes him by surprise and you trace kisses up his neck and to his jawline as he adjusts you in his lap. It’s twisted but you love it when he’s vulnerable. “I missed you so much” you tell him finally at his lips. His lips find yours first. Body to body you can feel the heavy breathing. His muscles contract as he pulls you closer. The passion and desire in his dominant kiss. You find yourself lost in it as heat creeps between your legs at the sensation of him growing under you. His kiss is marking his territory and claiming you. His intensity is new and his hands slide in your néglige to feel you.

“You’re mine” He says, breaking the kiss. You look at him and see it’s more than sex talk. He’s heavy lidded and holding back. He knows he can make you say anything when he’s inside you.

“Am I?” You smile and he nods.

“I’m serious, I’m the only one that gets you like this.” He furthers and you grind slowly to peel away at his restraint.

“I’m a needy girlfriend and you’re a busy man. Are you going to be here?” You ask and his head goes back as he holds your hips. The friction is torturous. Jamie’s always made you feel free and safe to be as lustful as you want.

“I’m here aren’t I?” He asks in a register lower than normal. “Aren’t I always when you need me?” He asks almost entranced by you as he removes the silk night dress. He admires your body, his hand resting on your hip against your lace panties. “You’re beautiful” he smiles and you get his shirt off. He kisses each breast before kissing you hard.

Jamie knows he won’t last long after his stint in jail so his priority is getting you off first. He takes the lead standing and bringing you to the bedroom. Getting between your legs removes the lace underwear before kissing you intimately. Using his tongue and fingers in tandem to send you into a frenzy making you see stars. There’s no keeping your moans back as the sensation reaches a fever pitch. 

“Jamie” your tone is clipped.

“Come for me” He says, giving you goosebumps. His fingers go deeper and he sucks harder. 

“Bab-“ you can’t manage it and your eyes close as he holds your hand with his free one.

“There you go” He whispers as the first rush hits. He comes up to kiss you  as the rush of an orgasm subsides. When your vision clears he’s putting on a condom. Foreplay usually lasts longer but you have no complaints.

“I missed you so much” you whisper and you share another kiss. He rests his forehead against yours as he slides in. No toy compares to the real thing, not when it’s Jamie. His eyes watch your face contort. The pleasure is evident, you feel incredible and it’s not long before he’s struggling to last. He’s wanted to show you you’re his but his body was making it clear he’s just as much yours.

“I missed you too, missed my babygirl” he whispers, thrusting hard and slow. Your moans grow, it’s too much.

“Jamie” you call and he lowers.

“I’m right here” he kisses your shoulder. His thrusts falter and you know he’s close. Your eyes open at the same moment. You’re in sync. You feel it together, his lips find yours again. Your arms hold on as the orgasm goes through him. His breaths are as shallow as yours. He pulls out rolling onto his side. You follow suit to get closer. The silence is comfortable and you draw close until you’re skin to skin again. Jamie kisses your forehead.

“I apologise for how I treated you earlier, I just care for you and being in a cell with no control… I shouldn’t have taken it out on you” Jamie’s words make you love him even more.

“Jamie, I haven't been with anyone since we started speaking. I care for you and nobody cares for me like you do. It’s why I was always over at yours to help out. I know how much you love your brothers and I wanted to be a friend. I was with Kit sometimes but it wasn’t like that. Then I was with Si a few times when Kit was busy - they took turns making sure I got out the ends safe. I went out with them once or twice but nothing happened, I was sad and they wanted me to try and have some fun. They were looking out with for out of respect for you. The only other “man” I was with was Aaron. I got him a job. He was opening the doors for me and treating me how you would want him too. No one moved on me.” You explain calmly. Jamie had a sixth sense for bullshit and he could only see the truth in your eyes.

“There was another man,” he says calmly. “Other than Kit, Aaron and Si” he says from piecing together the descriptions.

“My brother, he’s back from business in Dubai. He helped me get the job for Aaron” you explain and he adjusts sliding back into you. It’s unexpected and it feels so good.

“Well I'm back now, so all you need to see is me” he says possessively. “The guys Aaron and your brother can piss off. You’re mine”. He says ready to go, you smile knowing the next few rounds will be rough how you like it and he’s going to last all night. Claiming you in every way possible. Yes he’s a little possessive but you love him for it. You love it when he’s overcome, when he applies pressure on your neck kissing you as he goes deep. You love it when he asks who you belong to. Love when he deprives you of his manhood pulling out so you can give him head. You love looking up at him while he watches you with pride. Seeing the need to please him in your eyes and praising you for it. You love how he can go for hours. You love how he checks in periodically to make sure you’re alright. How tender kisses are peppered in with the rushed ones. When the tender touches replace the demanding ones. The look on his face when you’ve run him dry. The aftercare he provides. You can see the love in his eyes for words that aren’t likely. You love how he keeps you close all night. His soft snores and the rare look of relaxation he has when he’s asleep.

You don’t say the words, neither does Jamie. Nor does he lay claim to things he doesn’t love. Possession and love aren’t the same thing in your world but maybe in his they are.

“I love you Y/N” He mumbles almost reading your mind as he pulls you closer in the big spoon. Having woken up sometime during your reverie of your last few rounds.

“I love you too” you respond and he chuckles.

“I know babe” he says and you turn your head back to kiss him. He meets you halfway pecking you and kissing your jaw twice. “Go to sleep” He chuckles.

“Shut up” You smile.

“Your heart’s racing” He says. You realise where his hand is, over your heart.

“It’s yours” you smile.

__________

Don't forget to let me know how you feel about this one or the new season.

“Hey, wait” you scream, hopping into a tracksuit. Jamie looks over his shoulder with a quizzical expression.

“What babe?” He asks as you hop to get the bottoms over your ass.

“I’m coming with you” you smile pushing your feet into a pair of slides. Jamie smirks amused with your antics.

“Who said you could?” He asks to take your hair out of the collar.

“I did, I gave myself permission.” You respond.

“Babe, the jumper is on backwards” he says, helping you adjust the top. “There” he dusts off your shoulders amused.

“I got to do a few pickups, then I have to look about Stefan’s uniform, then I got to do a food shop and have the car cleaned. It’s gonna be a long day” he lists.

“Perfect, I finally get some time with you” you smile tiptoeing to kiss him. 

Jamie wastes no time picking you up. It’s a short walk to the car in his arms and you get comfortable in the seat before he does. You know you have it bad when you don’t mind sitting beside him for most of the day while he takes calls, watching him drive and running his errands opposed to your fun ones.

“Want Starbucks?” He asks.

“Yes!” You beam, happy to start the day off right. Jamie leans over to give you a kiss. He’s happy you’re here with him. Happy you’d rather be on the road by his side than in the house alone today.

“I love you” he whispers onto your lips. You know it. You feel it everyday, he showed you last-night. With his busy schedule and all the daily demands he still makes time to be present and please his wife.

“I love you too” you tell him before he deepens the kiss, kissing you hard. He breaks the kiss to start the car and holds the back of your seat as he reverses out of the driveway. It’s one of those things that’s sexy for a reason beyond you. Jamie knows you think so too and smirks shaking his head once he puts the car in drive heading down the road.

“You're not gonna sit there looking at me like that all day or I won’t get any work done” he says keeping his eyes on the road. You can’t help it.

“Fine” you pout getting your sunglasses from your purse. You put the oversized black shades on as a cover and he smiles.

“Cheeky,” he warns.

You reach forward once equipped with your morning coffee and put a playlist on. Jamies so used to silence and his thoughts. This morning he’s treated to a karaoke session with you - he cant help but sing and rap along to his favorites. You laugh happy for the quality time and to be married to a man like Jamie.

He loves you more than is good for him. More than someone in his position should love anything. You’re his heart in human form. There’s nothing he wouldn’t do for you. No length he wouldn’t go for you. He appreciates nothing more than coming home to a peaceful comfortable home. A home that smells good with a meal waiting for him. He loves the way you dote on him. How he doesn’t need to do anything but sit there and make his demands known. He loves how well you listen and adjust to what he’s asked of you. How there’s never any doubt in your mind that he wants what’s best for you. He loves who you are to him and his brothers and how you’ve made space for the three of them within your family. Most of all he loves that it’s real between you two. That you stuck beside him while he transitioned out of the life and believed in him when the money was drying up and things didn’t look promising. It killed him seeing you work so hard for that year. His dream was retiring you and when he did everything fell into place.

“Now it’s the way you’re looking at me” you warn, feeling the heat of his glances. Jamie smiles. “I’m trying to behave,” you warn. “Lead by example babe” you joke.

“You’re right,” he agrees. “Did you find a dress for Kits engagement party?” He asks.

“No, I need your help actually. I don’t know who’s gonna be there and how I should look” you explain.

“Doesn’t really matter, I’ve got a room for us at the hotel, I’ll mix a bit then say my piece and then I’ll be in you” he promises. It’s a wonder the attraction and physical connection has only grown over the years.

“Jamie!” You groan neither of you better than a pair of adolescents. He laughs and you love it. His happiness is your priority.

“If I didn’t want you all the time that’d be a problem” he says honestly. “Wear something long, not too tight, no legs or tits out. That way I shouldn’t have to take any lives.” He says not like the way some men ogle you.

“But I was hoping to see this one guy and look really good for him” you shrug. Jamie looks peeved instantly.

“Who?” He asks.

“Tall, brown skin, low fade, handsome as hell. I think Kit’s best friend” you flirt, pretending to be oblivious as he smiles.

“He’ll be there, he's married though. His wife is something serious!” Jamie plays along.

“She good to him, you think?” You ask.

“That brudda ain’t going nowhere” Jamie continues as you pretend to be puzzled.

“Well that’s good for them, I guess,” you roll your eyes. Jamie laughs making his way to his first stop. He kisses you quickly before heading in. He returns with a few ledgers. You ride alongside of him for the rest of the day and get royal treatment when he’s among friends that treat you like there’s been a sighting of the queen. When you get in you’re sleepy and stretch as you head to turn on the jacuzzi. Jamie finishes up business while you unwind. It’s twenty minutes before he materialises. Seeing you at rest making use of the home you two share makes him feel like all the sacrifice and strife has been worth it.

“How hot is that water?” He asks about being a typical man.

“Hot” you smile and he turns and reaches for you, getting you out and heading into the shower.

“Thank you for spending the day with me,” he says, adjusting your necklace, his hand touches your breast, making your nipples pebble but he pays it no mind knowing exactly what he’s doing and the power he has as he washes you up.

“Thanks for having me” you respond as he kisses your neck. A day's worth of sexual tension and foreplay is one of many reasons Jamie is one of one. The eye contact he makes running the soapy cloth over your body, his self control is unmatched as he keeps things above board. He’s driving you crazy and he knows it. You reach for his face and he smiles, removing your hand.

“Be good,” he warns. It’s a necessary warning. He watches you intently as you start on his chest dividing your attention between the task at hand and looking up at him. When you’re finished his top half you squat down for the lower bit. Jamie shakes in a ‘no’ gesture, his head as your mouth at level with his manhood. You wash the rest of him up and he takes the cloth finishing up before standing under the water. You join him and share a kiss. You can tell from the look in his eyes you’re in for a great time tonight. He dries you off putting on your silk robe. He watches you sashay out of the bathroom into the bedroom looking up at the sky mentally thanking god for his life and you in it. Now he has a clear schedule he can finally indulge for as long as he wants. He plans for it to last all night and into the morning. Heading into the bedroom the lights are dim with you in the centre of the bed on your knees.

I love this woman.

He smiles to himself.

Being the missus of a roadman is a rewardless position. The lies and cheating aren't even the worst of it. You live under constant threat because of your connection to a man that isn’t even around that often. If the threat to your own person isn’t peril enough, the threat of losing the man you love to the violence of the roads is sure enough. It does something to you, and it isn't nice. It's like every argument, every issue, every boundary is thwarted because time is limited. Because you're haunted by the what if. What if tonight's the night he doesn't come home. It's even harder because this was never Jamie's future plan. He wanted to continue studying business - legitimately. He never wanted to carry weapons, sell drugs and take lives. But somehow the memory of the fun loving boy could no longer keep you. As he got deeper into the game, you found yourself drifting further and further away. Then sex was the only way you found yourselves connecting, everything else was arguments. When you ended things at first he laughed vowing to give you time. Then after two weeks of fortitude he grew resentful and started acting like a single man. It was the last straw and the final nail in your relationship's coffin.

You squint at the security monitor as you see Jamie outside, you check your phone to see five missed calls and roll your chair back. You lock your workstation and head out to the main entrance, your heels clicking against the tiled floor. Pulling your blazer closed you push open the office's side doors. Your brows ask him what he’s doing here before you even speak. His eyes scan your pencil skirt, blouse and blazer. He smirks in spite of his stress.

“I need you to look after Stefan, Aaron’s studying and I’m afraid Stef’s going down the wrong path.” he states and it's your turn to look him over. He’s visibly exhausted and by the swelling of his brow he’s been in some kind of altercation.

“For how long?”

“What do you have visitors coming by? Stef will cramp your style?” Jamie snaps being confrontational.

“I’ll need to pick him up from school won't I, and drop him off - I’ll need to make arrangements at work” you explain not opting to argue.

“Y/N?” he starts 

“Jamie, whatever it is, sort it out. I want no involvement” you sigh wishing things were different.

“I have a storage unit, where I kept the things of my parents I couldn't throw out. There's an old canvas bag in the large purple luggage. It has fifty bags. If anything happens to me take care of my brothers with that” his words cause overwhelm. You can feel your face grow hot and tears threaten to well. 

“Is there a key or something?” you swallow determined not to break.

“Code, it's your birthday - day, month, year” he reasons like it's supposed to mean something. Like it's supposed to mean as much as him leaving the life. You fill your lungs with a deep breath wondering when love  stopped being enough.

“Fifty bags is enough to start fresh” you mutter. “You could go abroad and finish your degree with all your experience and you would be so successful. You could keep your brothers safe on your own and live a good life without looking over your shoulder” You repeat the same plea that has fallen on deaf ears so many times before.

“I can’t run,” he responds again.

“So what are you going to do risk your life, hide your wealth, stress, fuck around and piss your brothers off for the rest of your life?” you ask.

“What are you gonna do? Keep pretending that you don't love me? Work long hours for modest pay. Date respectable lads that mum and dad approve of, but bore you half to death and repeat the monotony until you're old and grey?” he retorts.

“YN?” you hear and turn to see Ray, one of your colleagues in the doorway looking concerned. He’s something of a work husband. Older, maybe near forty, fit, handsome and charming but not in a sleazy way. “You alright?” he asks.

“She wouldn't be out here if she didn't know me or want to talk to me” Jamie says with cheek.

“I’m fine Ray” You nod, giving him a smile that is returned as he heads back in.

“Ten days, I need you to watch them for ten days” Jamie clarifies finally after too much irrelevant chatter.

“That's fine”

“Thank you” he says, strained.

“I’m not doing it for you. I’m doing it for them” you specify and Jamie swallows.

“Maybe you can save one of us,”  he nods, pulling on his hood as he walks back to his car. You have half the heart to follow him in to try to convince him there's better for him. You curse yourself as you step forward pulling your jacket closed to weather the wind as you make it to his car. You get in the passenger seat and Jamie's eyes are exhausted.

“You don't get to just come here and dump the possibility of you dying on me. You can't just leave me with the responsibility of your brothers” You snap and he shakes his head.

“You’re the only person I know that can do it properly and that Stef and Aaron love and respect” he snaps.

“Jamie” you whisper as your head and heart battle between leaving and trying to reason with him. “You would never let me go if I did what you're doing now” you reason and he sighs putting his head back against the seat in frustration. “You’re enough, we’re enough we have enough” you snap as the tears begin to stream down your cheeks. “Don't you think we deserve more than you leaving us. Especially Stef and Aaron they’ve already survived enough”

“Y/N I should have left when you asked me the first time. There’s no running now. I can’t run from it”

“Jamie, I was pregnant. I was pregnant and I lost the baby because of the stress. That day I went to the hospital for bad cramps. That's what they told me happened.” you sniffle and his eyes go to your stomach. He’s him again and not hard and detached. The emotions roll in fast. He nods looking straight ahead as tears well into his eyes. A few fall before he wipes them away.

“Why didn't you tell me?” he sniffles.

“I lost faith in you, in us … I wanted to be angry. I wanted an out” you whisper. “I knew if I told you, you’d be there for me and I’d be in it. But it wouldn't last. God forbid it happened again.” you confess as his tears subside. He looks you over with red eyes and resentment. We watch each other like strangers for what feels like minutes in silence, trying to make sense of the people in front of us - so far from who we once were.

“Maybe everyone is better off if I’m gone then” he mutters.

You look him over drawing in a deep breath, you'd beg if you believed it’d have some kind of impact.

“I’ll look after Stef and Aaron” you concede reaching to unlock his door.

“Y/N, I’m sorry. I’m sorry about our baby” he apologises. You’ve already had your time to reconcile your loss and the reality of losing Jamie in your life as a friend, partner and eventual father of your children.

“Jamie, you know what I pray for?” you ask, turning back to him. He holds your gaze but doesn't respond, too raw with emotion to welcome more revelations. “I pray that in like sixty years I’m somewhere with other really old people and you're there” your voice cracks as tears well. “And you're fat, wrinkly, grey and balding” you pause trying to contain your emotions. “And you have kids and grandkids and you’re happy and you’ve had a full life” you break. When the tears have stopped clouding your vision you see Jamie’s broken too.

He resents you for leaving, for starting a life without him and not looking back, for dreaming of a future without him when he starts every day with regret the moment he opens his eyes and your side of the bed is empty. He’d never pray for sixty more years of life without you.

“I have to go,” he says finally. You force your heart to accept the absence. To accept the reality that this could be the last time you see him. You steel yourself against breaking and falling back into old patterns.

“Take care” you sigh.

“‘I love you,” he says, choosing truth over resentment. It's a hallmark of growth.

“I love you too Jamie” you respond, making him smile. It's been months since you've said those words.

You'll always love him.

_______________

You shouldn’t be as bothered as you are. Let’s start there. There was no exclusivity clause in this situationship. Jamie never made promises and his behaviour is not breaking any. To be fair, he hasn't done anything and that's exactly the problem. He'd walked out three days ago and you hadn’t heard from him since. Looking at the message you sent last night the radio silence and lack of response roots your frustration even deeper. You’ve been telling yourself to relax all day but you can’t shake your annoyance. You swallow the bitterness and the sting of tears in your eyes from the frustration. You’ve never been good at being ignored. It was bearable when the ambiguity of the situation muddied the waters, but now it was clear as day. Your mind had wandered until hearing the ZT’s were at a party and Jamie was most definitely enjoying himself and the attention from women. 

Jamie the man that currently gave you butterflies in all the right places. Jamie the man with priorities and business who says what he means and means what he says. Jamie, you can’t put your finger on what it is that has you on the rollercoaster ride, but right now you need those feelings to end. Taking a breath you delete the paragraph you drafted out of vulnerability, because you and Jamie have never been those people. All you asked is if you could go to the cinema together, something to break up the monotony of all the late night rendezvous. Radio silence was the response and it spoke volumes. Blocking his number is the only option to alleviate the stress. If he never responds you’ll never know and if he does it’ll be fine. Jamie isn’t the only one that has options. You can turn heads like him. You were surprised by his intellect, his ability to have conversation and navigate the complex social dynamics of his life. That ability to compartmentalise is what’s doing your head in now. Him not showing up outside of when it works best for him, has been your major point of contention. His excuses for not calling seemed sweet at first, but not so much anymore. Apparently they were for your protection. Apparently it was because when he’s working there’s no time for being soft and responding to messages. Instead he keeps his phone off.

Maybe you should find someone new. Someone who’s aware of how lucky they are to have you. To want to be around when you want him around. Sighing, you shake your head at the truth. Jamie’s the only guy you’ve been with that you can’t walk all over. He stands his ground and sticks to whatever plan or rules he’s created for himself. His discipline and self-regulation are attractive. As much of a thrill as the perpetual game of cat and mouse is, you feel like it’s time to end it before someone gets hurt.

“You’ve been over here for two days now, what’s going on? I usually have to share you with your boyfriend.” Your best friend asks.

“He’s not my boyfriend” you correct.

“So there is trouble in paradise. I’m surprised it’s lasted as long as it has. Surprised he’s a road man. I kind of like him with you” she shrugs.

“Yeah well he’s made it clear he’s busy and I’ve got too much going on to be waiting by the phone while I’m this young” you snap and she smiles. 

“What!”You ask, seeing a twinkle in her eye.

She shrugs, “You’re usually not jealous, maybe you shouldn’t have seen those snaps”

“I’m not jealous,” you gasp. “It’s the cheek of him to be out there doing that while he’s left me on read. If he responded I wouldn’t have blocked him.” You explain yourself.

“Usually you have an excuse for me when I warn you about your heart.” She reminds you. “Jamie’s not like that, we’re adults, let me have my fun” she says mocking your voice.

“Are you going to get dressed up with me and help me distract myself or not?” You ask and she laughs.

“You know you’re my bitch.”

—————

You look yourself over in the mirror and approve of your reflection tonight. Everything looks right. You snap a selfie and instinct is to send it to Jamie. It takes you a moment to refrain. You close your eyes hating the distance but trying to love yourself. You accept that the situation is a heartbreak waiting to happen. He doesn't like you the way you like him. It feels so special until you’re separated and then it feels like you’re an afterthought. Not a priority, not a concern. It doesn’t feel like care or even friendship. You take pictures for social media and dance indiscriminately. You entertain small talk with guys offering to buy your friends a round and even spot a handsome guy staring from across the room. He’s taller than Jamie you think before shaking him out of your thoughts. When he comes over you dance and talk until the venue shuts down. He walks alongside you and the girls but your best friend stops first as you look through photos from tonight. You see a familiar car parked behind hers and Jamie looking displeased in the dark. Your heart flutters at the sight of him sitting on the hood of his car, his threatening demeanour on full display.

“Is there a problem?” The guy asks and Jamie stands upright from leaning on his car.

“No problem, now piss off” he says and the guy, bless his heart, grabs yours and your best friend's.

 “Listen my man. Since you tried to do the right thing there’s no smoke. I know these lot here. They’re good, yeah. You just carry on home alone” Jamie says less angry.

“Thanks for walking us out, we know him” your bestie says, pushing him away so as to not blow up your spot. He leaves looking back a few times until he's out of sight.

“So your phone works?” Jamie says snatching it from your hands. He looks at something, probably the call log and then takes his phone out. When your phone doesn’t ring he looks absolutely pissed. “What is wrong with you?” He snaps. “If it weren’t for Kit following your girl I was about to have someone report you missing! I’m ringing you down and you’re silent. What if someone snatched you up to get to me?” Jamie scolds.

“Well Im fine and I’m alive and well” you respond indifferent to his anger. You head to your friend's car but the look she gives you says work it out with Jamie who is glaring at you from his car still.

“He tracked you down, he was worried, at least talk things out” she whispers, giving you a hug. He waves at her before opening the passenger door, visibly upset. He gives it a slam once he gets in starting up the car. Sitting back against the seat he takes a deep breath closing his eyes fighting for calm.

“You see you, yeah?” He starts.

“I don’t know why you’re pretending to be worried. If someone was trying to get to you they’d pick someone you’d notice was missing much quicker” you comment. He starts up the car pulling off and his slow response is jarring.

“You’re a brat.” He swallows, tossing you his phone. It’s unlocked to his messages. You click your chat and see a string of blue messages starting from a few hours after you blocked him. He responded to the movies, he went by your place, he called at least fifty times. “Yeah” he snaps, snatching the phone back.

“I wasn’t trying to make you worry Jamie. I’m not that desperate. I’m sorry you did. I’m just tired of sitting around until you can and then when you’re around I give a hundred and you give what you have left, until someone rings you and you have to go. I blocked you to end the cycle.” You explain.

“You’re such a brat” he smiles like it’s no big deal. “You don’t have my attention for three days and you throw a fit?” He asks. “Are you hearing yourself?”

“You didn't hear from me in three days and you came round like you were gonna do a madness.” You throw it back at him. He shakes his head more amused than annoyed.

“I’m relieved this is you taking a piss. Living and breathing to piss me off some more and not something worse. Continue having a go at me” he says relaxing as he merges onto the motorway. It’s infuriating.

“I’m not taking a piss Jamie don’t reduce it to that. It hurts my feelings when you ignore me and I feel like I’m not a priority to you like you are to me!” You snap. He rolls down the window lighting a joint. He takes a drag blowing it out of the window. “This is why I blocked you instead of explaining, you’re not even listening” you fold your arms.

“Because you’re chatting shit!” He remarks, he’d seen his parents argue enough in his adolescence to know there was no winning with a woman you care for. Only rectifying the issue.

“I am not” You snap back.

“In about twenty minutes we’ll be at your door. You’ll probably yell a bit more. But the moment I put it down, there won’t be any more complaining. Nor more of this I don’t give you all my attention when we’re together nonsense.” He says not to take you seriously.

“I don’t want you in my place” you snap annoyed.

“Alright, then I won’t come in” he concedes easily and you close your eyes wanting to scream. Only it’ll just affirm his brat comment. You roll your eyes as he chuckles, continuing to smoke.

“Fine you can come in since the drive back to yours is so long. You can sleep in the guest room.” you relent.

“I appreciate the kindness,” he says sarcastically.

“Prick” you mutter, snatching his joint from him. He doesn't react, allowing you a few puffs.

“So am I still blocked?” He asks and you take out your phone as you sit in traffic. He smirks as you unblock him. He nods seemingly pleased. He parks in the underground heading up behind you. You hand him some clothes to change into after he showers. His clothes from staying over like he does. You’re out of the shower taking your nighttime supplements when Jamie sits behind you at the kitchen table.

“Done being a brat or should I go to sleep so you can finish making your point?” He asks having mastered the bored and disinterested expression. Most men would be begging for forgiveness. Not Jamie who’s stubborn as all hell. “Let me know if I have to explain why I don’t parade you around again?” He asks like you’re a child who can’t grasp the simple facts. He could call, he could check in, he could send gifts or a note. Do anything that says you’re on his mind when he can’t be around. Anything would be better than silence.

“Should I explain to you how another man would love to be where you are right now?” You ask to get under his skin. He smiles and you half expect him to leave as he gets up finally, you’ve struck a nerve.

“Too far” he says calmly, taking his hat and puffer off. You recognize the darkness in his eyes and your heart races.

“No, that was me being a brat on purpose” you fold your arms to make a point.

He nods smiling, “But you’d be just as miserable as you are now if it was another man,” he says getting his jacket off. You both know the only way out of this spat is through physical connection. He’s not easily replaceable, your physical chemistry is too incredible to be replicated. He sits back down and you sit on his lap wrapping your arms around him. 

Charge it.

“I’m sorry for worrying you, I’m sorry for running my mouth too far but I’m not sorry for blocking you or having fun with my girls” you say holding him close.

“It’s my fault,” he says. “I like fucking you so much I let you run things.” He says. “You’re disrespectful,” He says. “I shouldn’t even let you touch me,” he says, pulling away. You withdraw your hands to show compliance and he smiles leaning down to kiss you and you know all is forgiven.

Heartbreak will have to wait.

You wake up slowly, your limbs feeling heavier than normal courtesy of Jamie. Your soreness can’t be ignored. You run your hands over the sheets and feel Jamie’s side of the bed is cool. Your eyes open slowly.

“Jamie!” You call you hear nothing and groan, lifting your head. You sit up slowly dressed only in the t-shirt he wore to bed. “Jamie” you call again passing to the kitchen. You check your parking spot and see it’s unoccupied. You check your messages and see nothing. It’s not like him to leave without a goodbye. Anger surges and you stop in front of the whiteboard on your fridge.

Since you give a hundred percent you can come down to the fields if you want to see me. Otherwise don’t call unless it’s urgent and I’ll leave you alone like you pretended to want me to yesterday. ~ZT

You smile. After a shower you tell your best friend about it all.

“Charge it, YN. It’s toxic but at least it’s not boring.” She says and you laugh. 

“Why don’t we go to the Fields tomorrow looking gorgeous to get food to draw him out?” You ask.

“Don’t push that man,” she warns.

“If he didn’t like difficulty he wouldn’t be with me” you sigh, having flashbacks of how good last night was.

“So he’s your man again?” She asks.

Things have been good, Jamie’s rivals got put away because of  a sting operation and now the ZT’s are top of the food chain again enjoying a monopoly. Not to mention Jamie’s ready to leave the game. Your mind goes back to a week and a half ago, you were five days late for the first time. Jamie being Jamie remembered before you because he had a tracker in his phone. It was a whirlwind. You didn’t feel different, no queasiness, tender breasts or hormonal behaviour outside the norm. You’d agreed to give it one more day before taking a test. The day came and went without a period but to your surprise it wasn’t stress and horror in Jamie’s expression. His eyes were different as he sat beside you waiting for the results, scared yes - but maybe excited too. It was hard to be sure. You run your hand over your stomach instinctively and it gets his attention.

“You alright? Cramps?” He asks, pulling the phone from his ear.

“I’m fine” you smile and he leans in kissing you softly. The pregnancy scare had changed him so much in such a short amount of time. He’d become more attentive. More affectionate and more present. He’d also begun talking about the future more, something he didn’t do unless it was broad things. You all had started off as a fling. Jamie came in to spend the night at a hotel you were managing. He didn’t fit in and the mostly white patrons unsettled him. You’d watched the scenes in silence, then Jamie came with his proposition. He flirted like all the other men with money. He seemed insulted by your refusal of his number. You were sure he was when you’d joined a friend at a party. Jamie was there and with a group of men you could tell we’re not good. It made you happy about your decision but you’d always had a thing for bad boys. Liquid courage had you asking Jamie if he was done being a bitch about the past or was he ready to fuck? He put it on you like a man with something to prove in the backseat of his car. Wasn’t romantic but it felt incredible. Then Jamie turned up at the hotel and it was excited sneaking into empty rooms with him between shifts and on breaks. 

It was never supposed to be this. But Jamie was more than a road man. He didn’t carry around and perpetuate trauma in his relationships with the exception of what his job brought. It didn’t take long for you to learn his truth. Had tragedy not struck he’d have been a shining star. 

Legitimately.

He gets your door, there’s no need for performative acts, there’s no one around and sex isn’t being withheld - it’s who he is. The transition from the man who just wanted to blow your back out to the best friend and lover that cares happened so seamlessly you hardly recall the former persona. He takes your hand as you walk towards the entrance.

“Are you sure were okay?” You ask.

“Yeah” He nods oddly relaxed. In the beginning he wasn’t shy about other women. He was honest about not being prepared to be anyone’s boyfriend seriously or a father. Father was his most serious preoccupation. Making sure the pill was popped daily and checking the period tracker to know when to stay away. There was no intimacy without protection on both ends.

“Kit, I’ll check you later” he calls from your side.

“Do your ting!” Kit laughs before pulling off. You wonder if anyone aside from Jamie knew about the scare. Heading into your flat Jamie Carrie’s most of the groceries. 

“What do You want for lunch?” You ask and he smiles, closing the distance between you.

“You’re not cooking for me, I’ll order in.” He says kissing your neck. 

“Babe what’s wrong, are you upset that I forgot to take my pill a couple of times?” I ask looking up at him. His eyes narrow and then squint. He closes them shaking his head.

“No, no y/n, I’m not” he says clearly.

“Then what is it? Do you have to go away?” You ask, trying to understand the distance.

“Babe, I’m right here” he says but you can feel he’s keeping something from you.

“Then what is it?” You ask and his hand goes onto your stomach. It stays there.

“Thought I didn’t want a kid but I’m nearly out and I love you and it was something to look forward to. A family. I didn’t expect to want it so bad but I did.” He says and you need to sit down.

“Jamie, I thought you didn’t want children or responsibility?”

“I didn’t” he agrees looking into your eyes.

“But now I do, I want that for us” he says, making your heart flutter.

_________________