I went to visit my grandparents in New Jersey. On the second day I was there, we went to Vic’s Italian Restaurant for lunch. Vic’s is beloved because it is a family run place that has been in Bradley Beach since 1947. Most of the waiters are teenagers. All of the televisions are set to ESPN2. I ordered Fettuccini Alfredo and had three cokes for some reason. After that we went to Barnes & Noble and looked through photography books until we all got sleepy. Then we went home and fell asleep in different rooms.

Over the summer, I went to the beach with friends and realized that the beach is just this intersection of conscious and unconscious minds that come together to form a collective thought bubble. A real life New Yorker cartoon. People having the same exact thoughts simultaneously because we are sharing such an intensely similar experience. “It’s hot.” “How do I look?” “It feels good when I dig my feet in the sand.” I felt so attuned to the rhythms and patterns of the beach because while napping I was in this incredible state where I was aware of everything that was around me but in a state of deep relaxation. I think about that nap all the time.

I took a nap in a library that had high ceilings. Important to nap in a place with good acoustics.  

At my internship, I went to the bathroom to take a ten-minute nap in the handicap stall. I was able to justify it by actually having my pants down even though I didn’t have to go. I played out a scenario in my head where my boss (?) would barge into my stall (?) and catch me asleep on the job. He would threaten to fire me and I would defend myself by making statements like: “since my pants were down that shows intent to poop!”

Many Criterion Collection films are on Hulu Plus so I always try to take advantage of this wonderful resource by putting them on and getting instantly sleepy. I put on Elevator To The Gallows, which is the debut feature of Louis Malle (who I really do love) but is mostly famous for having a score by Miles Davis. I kept fading in and out of the movie, which made for a really great nap. Lush black & white, murder (I think), and spurned lovers. All naps should have high stakes like that.

I took a nap on a trampoline. I’ve never seen Garden State but I imagine that trampoline napping is a big part of that movie. I really enjoyed the nap and can see why Zach Braff’s character in the movie loves to nap on trampolines: it’s a blast!

RB1 Matchup: Sparks vs. She’s So Lovely (ML)

The power of Sparks is obvious upon the first snap, when edgy guitar and discomforting organ hit our ears with the force of a large, physical back (think Adrian Peterson). This is a running back/song that refuses to dance around the defense, preferring to create its own gaps in the line, and rushing for two short goal line touchdowns.  For long time Beach House fans, Sparks feels uniquely important to Depression Cherry, introducing a new sound that also brings their classic love song lyrics much more gravitas, especially with a line like “Hallucination comes; think of everyone; who never shared before; from my mouth to yours.”

On Thank Your Lucky Stars, She’s So Lovely takes a different approach, resembling a smaller, speedier back (think Darren Sproles) who likes to get to the outside and fly up the sidelines for long touchdown runs. This song is pure finesse, just barely staying in bounds as the lyrics reflect on the pain of being replaced by a lover. Don’t underestimate the coolness factor here either, as this one does in fact include the line “leather white umbrella sinner.”

Winner: Sparks

RB 2 Matchup: Space Song vs. All Your Yeahs (JB)

Imagine you go to see the new Star Wars movie with your family on Christmas day and then, just as it seems the movie is about to start, they blast this song on a loop for two hours set to visuals made up of MacBook pre-installed screensavers. You and your family finally leave the mall Regal Cinema in stunned silence, look up at the heavens from the top level of the parking structure, and, for the first time, fully comprehend just how big the universe is. You and your family break down crying and stay there, for hours, embracing each other. This song is so good. #winning #football

All Your Yeahs is a perfectly fine Beach House song. Beach House made another good song. Sure, why not. I’ll listen to this Beach House song on a plane or wherever. I don’t really understand why artists like Wes Anderson, who have a specific style, get called out for continuing to make art in their style. I’m grateful that Beach House continues to make Beach House songs like All Your Yeahs. This isn’t really a fair matchup. Space Song is the beating heart at the center of Depression Cherry. It’s the album’s centerpiece and, in many ways, feels like the song that Beach House has been working towards their entire career.

Winner: Space Song

RB/WR Matchup: Beyond Love vs. One Thing (AB)

Here’s your classic matchup between two songs that when listened to while walking to class, make you feel like you’re floating 6 inches above the ground. Beyond Love is a beautiful slow burning ballad. It takes over a minute of buildup before we hear Victoria’s voice but it makes the song so much better as I get to listen to her personally sing to me right into my ears, and not to anybody else. The song’s title really makes me think: what is beyond love? Could that feeling be the game winning touchdown drive with 2 minutes left in the fourth quarter? Could it simply be winning the coin toss before kick off? Could it be eating orange-peel slices at halftime? I’ll never know…I’ve never really connected with anyone like that before. Good song.

There’s one thing I really like about the song One Thing and that one thing is the whole song. I really like this song. This song is like the Miami Dolphins of football (that’s a good thing, I’m from there). There are three things I like in my music and it’s guitars, guitars, and really loud guitars. I like this song because it has all of my favorite elements of music and some bonus things such as singing. When Victoria drags out the word “hallelujah” halfway through, that’s, well, that’s the good stuff. When listening to this song I imagine myself riding slow motion on a Harley Davidson chopper riding through the California desert. When the guitar solo comes in at the end? That’s when I hit a mega-ramp and easily clear a large gorge. Great song.

Winner: One Thing

WR 1 Matchup: 10:37 vs. Common Girl (AB)

Ah, here is your classic matchup of another two songs by the band Beach House. 10:37 is a really beautiful song that heavily relies on Victoria’s vocals and melodies throughout. This song reminds me of famed athlete Tim Tebow in a way. Whenever I see Tebow play football or read about him trying to play football again, I feel comfortable and at ease. Listen to this song with good headphones (please not Beats by Dre™ though, those headphones are actually crap and make you think they’re cool through celebrity endorsements) and you too will feel at ease. 10:37 or 1,037 is the amount of times you should listen to this song!

I’m gonna be honest with you guys and let you know that I’m not really feelin’ Common Girl. It’s okay I guess, but to me, it’s sort of like the New York Jets of songs. I’m gonna be honest with you guys and let you know that I’m not really feelin’ the New York Jets either! There’s not much for Alex to do with his guitar here and Victoria’s voice is a bit deeper than usual. Nah. Not for me. If this song was a quarterback, I would sack it!

Winner: 10:37

WR 2 Matchup: PPP vs. The Traveller (AB)

Here is a matchup between two songs that are really good songs. PPP is my favorite song off Depression Cherry and after countless listens still gives me chills during the 2 ½ minute (!) guitar solo that closes it out. Victoria’s vocals almost take the shape of an infinity sign as she sonically paints a picture of true beauty for your ears. The guitar on this song perfectly complements her voice and even though I mentioned it before, the sliding guitars during the solo are friggin’ cash money. If I had to put this song in football terms I would say it is a touchdown!....Oh shit, what are they doing? Are they going for two?! They’re going for two! THE TWO POINT CONVERSION IS GOOD!!!! That’s what this song would be like, if this was football.

The Traveller is a great song. Certainly one of the best off the new album. After a short 7 second buildup this song hits you right in the face just as Clay Matthews would do, if you were on the opposing team and were holding the football during gameplay. Victoria and Alex come together in this song perfectly, each showcasing their unique talents. Victoria hits the high notes high and Alex’s guitar stays dreamy (as usual) throughout. I find myself constantly bobbing my head during this song; it makes me feel like a gangster. This is not an easy matchup whatsoever but the sheer power of that guitar solo let’s PPP run away with it, and the football I guess.

Winner: PPP

TE Matchup: Wildflower vs. Elegy to the Void (JB)

Victoria & Alex = Jerry & Elaine, right? Omg totes totes. Two brunettes who share a beautiful friendship and created their own little world with it’s own language and style. Like Jerry & Elaine, Beach House is able to find beauty in the unrelenting horror that is nothingness. The void. This song is big and devastating. It’s the best song on the record and easily wins this matchup.

Wildflower is the shortest song on Depression Cherry while Elegy to the Void is the longest on Thank Your Lucky Stars. This fact literally doesn’t matter at all, it’s just something I noticed. Tbh I always skip this song to get to Bluebird because Wildflower is kind of boring and somewhat monotonous. Is that good criticism? I’m so dumb, I’m in no position to say that. Is it actually monotonous? I really don’t know why I said that. I guess I just didn’t really vibe with this song…

Winner: Elegy to the Void

D/ST Matchup: Bluebird vs. Rough Song (JB)

I’ve had this experience multiple times with Beach House where the first couple times I listen to a song, I can’t fully make out what exactly the lyrics are but, slowly, it crystallizes. I find it to be an oddly rewarding listening experience. To hear the word, the message. To hear it take shape and then let it cut right through me is euphoric. Around the fourth time I listened to this song, I realized that Victoria was saying, “I want to forget/all that wasn’t right.” So sad, so true. Good song. If I was a judge on The Voice and heard this song, I’d turn that chair around so fast I’d get whiplash!

I was backing up my phone recently and I saw this note I wrote like 3 years ago and it just said: “the feeling of walking around your high school on a hot night towards the end of summer.” I was struck by how quickly I was able to recall this very abstract sense of dread. So many Beach House songs have the ability to drop me in a memory. Or, rather, the feeling of that memory and the amount of time that has passed since that memory. Bluebird is the song on Depression Cherry that does that for me. It’s no surprise that Beach House is really good at doing that.

Winner: None, it’s a draw. Both make this writer feel emotions!

K Matchup: Days of Candy vs. Somewhere Tonight (ML)

Days of Candy acts like a once-dominant, Super Bowl winning kicker (think Adam Vinateri) with its grandiose, choral, almost religious sound, as if it came right off Beach House’s last album Bloom. But, here’s the kicker- it’s been a little while since Bloom was released.  So, on this Sunday, Days of Candy misses the game winning 32 yard field goal. And then goes home and re-watches it over and over again on ESPN, listening to commentators discuss fading relevancy. We’ll never know if the character Max Fischer, from Wes Anderson’s 1998 film Rushmore, would care about the NFL or Beach House. But we know what he would have said- Sic Transit Gloria. Glory fades.

Somewhere Tonight sounds incredible and here’s another kicker, it also sounds incredibly, incredibly sad. Like a kicker who rarely ever misses a field goal attempt, but plays for a losing team, and might have a drinking problem (think Sebastian Janikowski). This kicker has never felt the glory of a Super Bowl victory, which absolutely eats him up inside. A victory similar to the critical celebration that somewhat eludes Somewhere Tonight, and all of the Thank Your Lucky Stars album, an unfair result of the closeness in release dates with Depression Cherry.

Well here’s the last kicker- Beach House doesn’t give a fuck. Somewhere Tonight just keeps kicking and rocking, back and forth, with sounds that are reminiscent of a slow dance between two melancholic teenagers at a 1950’s prom. Sadness is a Beach House speciality alright, but this album-closer takes it to the next level. It is an overwhelmingly beautiful, nostalgia for a time, or memory, that hasn’t even happened yet- and perhaps never will.

Winner: Somewhere Tonight

Chapter 7: Mistakes Were Made

In the summer of ‘03, several of my relationships were on the rocks. I had just been rightfully cleared of all charges in, what still is, the most painful period of my life. Many people think it was the incident in Colorado that put a strain on my marriage, but the main cause of tension was actually the song “Bent” by Matchbox 20, which was stuck in my head for several months. I was constantly humming it around the house and singing that chorus: Can you help me I’m bent / I’m so scared that I’ll never / Get put back together / Keep breaking me in / And this is how we will end / With you and me bent. So good! My wife Vanessa could not stand that song and threatened to leave me if I continued to sing it 24/7.  

One night, Shaq took me out to dinner to tell me he had recruited Gary Payton and Karl Malone to play for the Lakers. I was apprehensive due to their advanced age and combined zero championships. I am a champion and need to play with champions. My relationship with Shaq had been slowly deteriorating due to a power struggle. We both wanted to be the leader of the team, and I had started to wear a visor that said “I Am The Captain Now” (mind you, this was several years before the release of the film Captain Phillips, but that’s Hollywood for you). Shaq did not like my visor, and on multiple occasions tried to eat it while I took my pregame nap. I told Shaq I would meet with Gary and Karl. I invited them to my home to observe my collection of pre-historic wolf skulls. I have thousands of them. They reacted well to the skulls, so I gave my approval to sign them.

Right from the start of training camp, there was some serious instability within the organization. Phil was rarely at practices due to his increased role as an advisor to President Bush. While I had tremendous respect for President Bush and his decision to invade Iraq, Phil’s absence was seriously hurting the team. This led to me getting frustrated, and taking roughly 250 to 300 shots per game. Phil and I would get into heated arguments, even though we both agreed it was crucial for America to invade Iraq and hunt down the people who were responsible for the September 11th attacks on our nation.  Despite the fact that we had the best record in the West, our team was out of sync.