#jakar

Xaja opened her eyes, and immediately looked away from Jakar’s worried look. His concern made her heart hurt. She had to look as awful as she felt, if he wasn't teasing her like normal. "I feel like I'm in a nightmare I can't get out of," she confessed before she could stop herself. 

Jakar squeezed her hands again. "I came as soon as I heard you'd made it back alive," he said. "We were worried about you, Xaja. Are you… no, dumb question, you're not okay."

Xaja shook her head in agreement with her oldest friend's diagnosis. "I'm a monster," she whispered. "They're arguing over my fate." She gestured with her head to the Council chamber door.

"You are not a monster," Jakar firmly insisted. "You're my adopted little sister who just escaped from months as an Imperial POW. Whatever happened to you there, you're here now, and safe. They can't get at you here." He squeezed her fingers again, hard enough to make Xaja look back up. "I know you too well, Xaj. You are not a monster, no matter what they tried to tell you. The Council knows this too."

Do you know me as well as you think? Do you know what evil things I'm capable of? How much pain and suffering I can inflict? Xaja opened her mouth, then looked away from Jakar, shame making her eyes burn with unshed tears. "They made me do terrible things… they made me hurt people…" A tear escaped her eye before she could blink it away. "... They cut my hair," she finally whispered, her tone plaintive. Something stupid to be so upset about, when it was just hair… hair that had been to her waist, long and luxurious, before the Sith hacked it off to barely brush her shoulders.

"I see this," Jakar acknowledged. "It'll grow back, I promise." One of his hands left hers to run his fingers through the shorn locks. "It'll take time to get to where it used to be, but it'll get there. As far as everything else..." He sighed. "I'm sorry. You didn't deserve any of this. And you don't deserve to be hurt for what they made you do while they were trying to break you."

Xaja just shuddered and looked down at her hands, unable to share in Jakar’s optimism. How could she tell her oldest friend that the Sith had broken her, and only Master Orgus' intervention had brought her back? "I hate this," she finally whispered.

"I know you do. And I hate that you had to go through everything that you did." Jakar gave her hands an upward tug. "C'mon. We're going to Corellia so Essi can get her hands on you, and so you have a chance to recover from--"

"I'm afraid that won't be an option, Master Forseti," interrupted Master Bakarn's voice. Xaja jumped as she looked up -- the Council had ended their session, and nobody looked happy. "Knight Taerich is back on active duty as of now."

"Against my recommendation," Doc muttered in a tone that was clearly intended to be heard by everyone present. "I'm still not clearing her for active duty."

"The needs of the galaxy outweigh the opinion of one biased doctor," Scourge dismissively said. "She's the only one who can stop the Emperor before he destroys us all."

Jakar shot back to his feet, protective fury radiating from him in the Force. "Are you insane?" he demanded. "Stop the Emperor himself? When she can barely function as it is?"

"She can still wield her lightsabers," Scourge shrugged. "She's combat ready. And would you rather have her go at the Empire now, while the memory of her wounds are still fresh, or wait until the memory is cold and old?"

Jakar opened his mouth to tell Scourge exactly what he thought, immediate presence of the Jedi Council be damned, but Xaja set her hand on his arm as she stood up. "Jakar, it's okay," she quietly said, trying to convince herself as much as him. "I'm okay enough for duty. And someone has to… to stop him." And I need to atone for what I've done. What better way to seek atonement?

"You are not okay," Jakar protested. "Masters, sending a recently-traumatized Jedi out on a suicide mission is cruelty, and asking for a disaster!"

"We understand your worries about Knight Taerich," Master Kiwiiks finally said, her voice low and calming. "But she does have the best chances of being able to strike at the Empire, and at locating the rest of the missing strike team. If the Emperor’s Wrath was willing to defect based off a vision of her, then we need to take that into consideration."

"And before you ask, you can't lead the Rift Alliance to do this task in her stead," Master Bakarn added. "The Children of the Emperor are a serious threat, and one that only you can deal with, Master Forseti. Knight Taerich simply isn't ready for that."

"No, but she's ready to go charging off and fight the blasted Emperor himself?!"

"Be mindful of your emotions, Knight Forseti," Master Kaedan interjected. "Corellian though you may be, you still need control of your own feelings. Your fear for your friend is blinding you to the needs of the galaxy."

Xaja looked away from Jakar’s furiously flashing eyes and looked for Master Shan in the group, who had been quiet so far in this argument. "I can have my ship refueled and ready to go shortly," she quietly said, and tried to not flinch when she saw the sadness in Master Shan's eyes, or heard Doc's frustrated sigh.

"Whatever support we can give you while you're on your mission, you'll have it," Master Shan finally said. "May the Force be with you, Xaja." She was definitely worried if she was using Xaja's first name and not a more formal tone of address.

It could start being with me any minute now, Xaja thought, but didn't voice that out loud. She just bowed to the Council and turned to Doc, who looked equal parts worried and pissed off. "Can you and Scourge get the Serenity ready to go?"

"Against my better judgment," Doc finally said. "Bloody Jedi," he muttered as he left, with a sidelong glare at the assembled Council. Scourge followed in his wake, uncaring about the angry doctor he was following, or the stares he got from the Jedi in the Temple.

Xaja turned to follow the two men, before feeling Jakar set a hand on her shoulder. "Check in with me once a day," he lowly directed, eyes still flashing with anger at the Council's ruling, but his voice concerned. "Promise me."

"Promise," Xaja quietly agreed, nodding. "My love to Essi, next time you see her." She took a step back, making Jakar drop his hand, then resumed walking to the shuttle, imagining she could feel the stares of every Jedi on Tython. How many of them knew what had happened to her? How many now considered her a fallen Jedi and no longer worthy to be called the Hero of Tython?

A call from behind her made her pause. "One more thing, before you go," Master Shan said as she came up to Xaja, separate from the rest of the Council. She lowered her voice as she came close to the younger woman, blue eyes darting down to Xaja's belt. "This is solely for my own curiosity. Those aren't the lightsabers you went on that mission with, are they?"

Xaja shook her head in confirmation. "I don't know what happened to those sabers," she admitted. "The Sith gave me new ones, but I surrendered those already."

Master Shan nodded. "I don't recognize the new ones you carry. Did Scourge give them to you?"

Again, Xaja shook her head. "They were left on my ship," she quietly said. "With a note from someone claiming to be my… my father. If the note is accurate, they used to be my mother's." She slowly drew the note from her father out of an inner pocket of her tunic and handed it to Master Shan. She'd read it enough times to have it memorized, but it felt good to have the note with her father's love beside her heart.

Master Shan frowned as she accepted the note. "Your father? That raises more questions than answers." She read over the note, her eyes softening a bit before she handed the creased flimsi back to Xaja. "How do the lightsabers feel?"

"They feel good," Xaja softly answered. "I can almost believe they might have been my mother's. They feel like an extension of myself -- almost more natural than my old sabers."

"May they serve you well then." Master Shan hesitated for a moment and set her hand on Xaja's shoulder. "I'm sorry for sending you back out so soon after your ordeal. Remember that no Jedi exists alone -- you have the Force, and you have the rest of the Order. Both will encourage and strengthen you during your mission. I know Jakar told you to check in with him regularly, but check in with me as well. I want to know that you're doing all right, as much as you can."

Xaja really did look like a wreck, then, if the Jedi Grand Master wanted her to personally check in with her. She pushed that thought down and nodded. "I will. Thank you, Master."

Master Shan offered a small, tight smile and squeezed Xaja's shoulder before letting go. "If you need anything, let me know and we'll do our best to make sure you have it. Now, get going, before Scourge comes storming back to find you. The Force will be with you."

There was no escaping duty, and no rest for the wicked, it seemed. Xaja bowed to the Grand Master and got a nod in return, then resumed her walk to the shuttle for the orbital station. Duty awaited.

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Thanks for the loan of Jakar, @corey-067! And for giving it the once-over before posting, @andveryginger! <3