#jaebu

The cool, night air hit Jaebum’s face in a brisk slap, his cheeks pinking at the sensation almost instantly. You were standing on the porch, leaning over the railing. The dress you wore was low cut in the back, and the curve as you leaned against the railing was enticing. He’d been so busy lately that he felt as if he hadn’t seen you in days. Maybe he hadn’t. It was hard to keep track.

Jaebum took a step forward to greet you but stopped short when he saw a figure beside you. He clenched his fists inside the pockets of his varsity jacket, recognizing the person instantly. 

“Hey,” Jaebum said smoothly, slipping his varsity jacket from his shoulders and onto yours in a quick, obvious motion. You eyed him suspiciously, uncomfortable under the weight of the jacket and its symbolism. JB leaned down to kiss your cheek before his gaze slid up to Hyunwoo, who was sipping his drink awkwardly. Jaebum noticed his change in demeanor at his approach.

“JB,” Hyunwoo said. He focused his attention back on you and added, “I’ll catch you later?”

Jaebum was ready for your definitive no, but instead, you said, “Of course. Are we still down for lunch tomorrow?”

“Of course!” Hyunwoo smiled, pushing off the railing and heading inside.

Jaebum distanced himself from you, “What was that?”

“What is this?” you said, motioning to the jacket that was resting on your shoulders.

“You’re the captain of the varsity basketball team’s girlfriend! You’re supposed to wear the jacket! You’re supposed to want to!”

“I’m not your property, Jaebum!” you seethed, tearing the jacket off of your shoulders and throwing it on the ground. He gasped, offended by your actions. He stooped to scoop up the article, as you continued: “You can’t mark me, or claim me. I know everyone on campus thinks this thing means something, but all I see is a jacket!” You spat the last word with venomous malice. You’d been with Jaebum for almost two years, and in the time you’d been together that jacket had never done you or your relationship any favors.

Jaebum opened his mouth to speak, but you were far from done: “And if I’m hanging out with Hyunwoo then it’s only because my boyfriend is always busy!” You brushed past him brusquely, purposefully hitting his shoulder with your own on the way.

Jaebum watched you disappear into the party, the dusty jacket still in his hands. He cursed under his breath, frustrated.

“What’s up Cap?” Yugyeom said, appearing in the doorway almost as soon as you’d disappeared. There was a red solo cup pressed to his lips. He took a drink and smiled goofily at his team captain.

“She just...you know, it’s like...I mean...and she’s out here with...I just…” Jaebum was growling half-sentences, as was his tendency when frustrated and angry. Yugyeom’s eyes widened and he held his hands up in defense.

“Woah, Cap, what?”

Jaebum took a deep breath and tried to form full sentences, “Y/N is hanging out with Hyunwoo because I’m too busy.”

“You are a pretty busy guy, Cap.” 

“Well yeah, but...” 

Yugyeom shrugged and took another drink, “I’m just saying - she has a point.” Yugyeom turned back to the party but quickly rethought, turning around and adding, “Also, I’m drunk. So you can’t hold what I just said against me.” 

Jaebum shook his head and turned away from him. He nodded his head and resolved to slow down, to ease his schedule, give himself time to actually date you.

Let’s just say...that’s not exactly what happened. Before he’d even woken up the next day his phone blew up with messages, all containing the same image of Youngjae, face down and naked in the grass. Jackson showed up late to practice and when he finally did arrive he broke his ankle. And BamBam ended up in a fistfight the day after that. Plus Jinyoung would not stop texting him about this girl he’d met.

So, to tally it all up: one humiliated teammate, one who couldn’t play, one with a black eye, and a lovesick one. All of this left little time for you.

And you had almost thought he’d change. Almost.

Sitting in the library five days later, relative radio silence from JB and the big game coming up, you liked to think that these kinds of little fights and sudden silences were unusual. But you’d be lying to yourself.

The beginning had been...great. Really great. He didn’t have basketball, it was the summer so school wasn’t a problem and you both just fit. He was this charming, funny guy who cared about you and focused on you and paid attention.

Now it was nearly two years later and… And what? What was there to say? You loved him. Or the memory of him. You were unsure which was truer. And there were still good times - soft caresses on early mornings, sweet gestures of commitment in exchanges of coffee and mints, a smile here and a kiss there. But you didn’t go out, you didn’t hang out. Your time together had dwindled between the time dedicated to school and to work and to basketball.

You didn’t know if this could be fixed.

“Wathchya’ thinkin’?” Hyunwoo slid into the chair across from you with a newfound bag of pretzels in his hand. He opened them quickly and began eating them doubly so.

“Jaebum.”

“Yeah?” There was a little crinkle between Hyunwoo’s eyebrows when he looked up at you. You knew things were platonic between you both. He had something going with a guy from his dance team. But he made a great listener and had an excellent shoulder to cry on. Somehow, he’d become your best friend.

And Jaebum didn’t even know that. Jaebum didn’t know a lot of things.

Hyunwoo, ever the awkward dork, changed the subject. “You going to the pep rally?”

“Yeah,” you sighed, “I’m his girlfriend, right? I should go support him.”

“Unless you don’t want to.”

“Hmm?” you said, looking up from the equation you’d been scribbling through on your notepad. You’d only vaguely heard the words and so Hyunwoo repeated them.

“You don’t have to go to the game if you don’t want to.”

Your eyebrows raised in surprise. The idea had never occurred to you. It had become a habit to keep tabs on JB’s schedule and show up at his events. He always threw you a smile and a wave, running up to kiss you after a big win, etc. But did you actually enjoy the games? Well...you’d never really thought about it. And really, if he wasn’t being much of a boyfriend...why should you show up to his pep rallies and games and things?

“You, Hyunwoo, are a genius.” You tapped your temple as if to prove your point.

He smiled and chuckled, “So I’ve been told.”

So the pep rally came and went. You holed up in your room with Chinese food and your homework, steadfastly determined not to go to the pep rally. Hyunwoo, on the other hand, was a traitor.

“Jooheon wanted to go,” he whined, over the phone the next morning. You tsked and shook your head, smiling nonetheless.

“And I thought you were my friend,” you joked. Hyunwoo made a disgruntled sound on the other end and you chuckled, cutting short suddenly when you spotted Jaebum coming towards you. “I have to go.”

“There you are!” Jaebum said, stopping in front of you. You stood up from the bench and crossed your arms.

“Here I am.”

“Where were you last night?”

“Home. I had homework.”

“But I had a pep rally!”

“Did you invite me to the pep rally?” You raised an eyebrow.

Jaebum paused. He thought back to the past week. He’d been so busy. Had he...actually invited you? He opened his mouth to respond but could think of nothing to say.

“See, that’s the thing, Jae, you’re so busy that you forget about me. And I’m supposed to follow you around like an obedient puppy?” You scoffed and picked up your bag from the bench. “I’m late for class.” You sidestepped him and moved to walk away.

Jaebum turned quickly, a hand wrapping around your arm and spinning you back around. He looked lost and confused like he’d just woken up and found himself somewhere entirely different than when he’d fallen asleep. “What’s changed?”

You sighed. “I don’t know, Jaebum. Maybe I’m just tired of having to carry this relationship all by myself.” He looked crestfallen and you could tell that he was anticipating a breakup. But, despite all of this, that wasn’t what you wanted. When you looked at him you still saw him. You knew who he was without crazy schedules and obligations. You wanted to be with him. “Look,” you conceded, “I know you’re busy and you have a lot on your plate. But...something has to give. And, if we keep going this way, it’s going to be us.”

Watching you walk away, Jaebum felt as if he’d been hit by a high-speed train. There was a tightness in his chest and he felt winded. And exhausted. He collapsed onto the bench you’d been sitting on roughly, his knees giving way beneath him. But as he sat down, he felt a lump beneath his thigh. When he moved over to investigate he found you’d left your phone there. On the screen, there was a text.

Hyunwoo

10:07 AM: I really am sorry! I’ll make it up to you!

Jaebum was going to have to talk to this guy.

“Yugyeom,” Jaebum growled into his cell phone a few minutes later, “tell me.”

“You’re not going to beat him up are you?” Jaebum's fists clenched at the youngest teammates hesitation. “He’s a really nice guy, Cap.”

“Just tell me when and where your dance team’s practice gets out Yugyeom.” He sensed the younger one’s further hesitation, and so pulled out his very last resort, “Or I’ll have you benched for the next game.”

“But I’m–”

“Try me, Yugyeom.”

“We have a practice tonight at the rec center,” Yugyeom sighed, “We finish at ten.”

“Thanks.” And the line went dead.

Jaebum was waiting for Hyunwoo outside the rec center, fuming on a bench. He was tapping his foot to let out the explosive energy he felt in his chest. Jaebum felt like he was trying to swim upstream. It was as if he were stuck in a hopeless, destined-to-fail situation.

You have a lot on your plate. But something has to give. And it could be us. He couldn’t get the words out of his head. He was busy, he knew that. But…

But what? He wanted to scream, to fight, to stamp his feet and throw a tantrum. He didn’t want to lose you! But what was he supposed to do? He was the captain of the varsity basketball team, he had a full load of classes and a job. Something has to give.

But why did it have to be this thing?

Yugyeom had warned Hyunwoo that Jaebum would be waiting for him. He saw where JB was coming from but...Hyunwoo was a nice guy. And there was no way he was sleeping with Y/N - not when he was so happy with Jooheon. He didn’t deserve to get the crap beat out of him because Jaebum was tense and frustrated.

Besides, Yugyeom thought, Hyunwoo could probably take him - and then where would he be?

The three of them, Yugyeom, Hyunwoo, and Jooheon, stopped in front of Jaebum on his bench. He didn’t seem to notice their arrival, he was so consumed in his thoughts. Yugyeom coughed. “Cap?”

“Huh?” Jaebum said, pulled from his inner monologue. He realized who was in front of him and stood up quickly, trying to puff his chest out and seem intimidating. “We need to talk!”

Hyunwoo simply raised an eyebrow, not intimidated in the least. “So talk.”

All of the paths that Jaebum had envisioned taking in this conversation evaporated like smoke. He slumped back onto the bench and ran a hand through his hair. He sighed deeply, “What’s going on with her?”

Hyunwoo sighed, too. He’d never been a big fan of Jaebum, he always thought that you deserved someone with more time and attention to give. Sometimes Hyunwoo wondered if he even cared about you at all, or were you just a trophy girlfriend for the captain of the team?

But seeing Jaebum now, pathetic and frustrated, waiting on a bench at ten-fifteen when he definitely had homework or something to be doing… Hyunwoo stopped doubting. He turned to the other two and said he’d catch up with them, he needed a minute with Jaebum. They left quietly, chatting about dance rehearsal, etc.

Hyunwoo sat down next to Jaebum on the bench and immediately said, “I’m not sleeping with her.”

“No?” Jaebum said, his voice still small and defeated. Hyunwoo chuckled.

“No. I’m gay.”

“No shit?” Jaebum said, looking up, surprised. Hyunwoo laughed again and pointed at Jooheon’s back proudly.

“That’s my boyfriend,” he grinned.

“No shit,” Jaebum chuckled, feeling stupid and paranoid, “No wonder she’s mad.”

“Yeah,” Hyunwoo said, sighing, “She loves you. A lot. And she wants to be with you, she doesn’t want to end it. But you have to give her a reason to stay. You have to show her that you’ll make time for her.” Jaebum looked up at him with wide eyes, his heart pounding in his chest as the truth he’d been suspecting was finally revealed aloud. “So far your relationship has been brushed off, it’s always last on your list of priorities. You have to show her that it’s going to come first sometimes.”

Hyunwoo patted Jaebum’s knee comfortingly before bounding to his feet and running to meet up with Jooheon. Jaebum watched them wrap their arms around each other, Hyunwoo kissing the other man’s forehead and smiling. Jaebum saw everything he wanted for you and him in that moment.

“We have to come first sometimes,” he whispered to himself, the gears beginning to turn in his head. He was the captain of a leading basketball team. He could do first place.

You woke up the morning of the game feeling...despondent. You’d lost your phone the day you’d talked to Jaebum, but it had reappeared in your backpack last night. Hyunwoo thought you were making it all up. 

But even worse, you hadn’t heard from Jaebum since your talk a few days earlier. You checked your messages again, flopping over in bed gracefully to find your phone. Nothing.

You rolled back over, staring at your ceiling seriously. You didn’t regret what you’d said to him. It was a long overdue conversation. But you had expected it to be more of a conversation. He really hadn’t said anything at all.

Y/N

9:53 AM: Still nothing…

9:53 AM: I guess that’s that

Hyunwoo

9:55 AM: I wouldn’t be so sure…

You were typing back a confused response – what’s that supposed to mean? – when there was knock at your door. You were frozen in bed when a familiar voice called out: “Hey, it’s me. Can I come in?”

“Jaebum?” you gasped, leaping out of bed to open the door. “What are you doing here?” You threw your legs over the side of your bed and ran to the door. You threw it open and repeated yourself, “What are you doing here?”

Jaebum grinned a beautiful, gummy smile and leaned down to press his lips to your cheek. He slid past you and into the room. You stood amazed, pausing for a moment before closing the door to gather your thoughts. What was he doing here? He had a game today, he’d usually spend the morning before getting ready and practicing so...what was he doing here?

Jaebum seemed to see the question in your face. He grinned at your confusion, a new kind of elation filled his chest as he started to actively prioritize your relationship. He was excited.

“I brought you breakfast,” he waved the white paper bag that was in his right hand, “and coffee.” He lifted his left hand to reveal a coffee cup. His gummy smile reappeared, “I wanted to ask you if you would go out to lunch with me, and then maybe...come to my game tonight?”

You smiled hugely, tucking your hair behind your ear and pretending to think, “Oh, tonight? Hmm...I’m not sure.”

Jaebum narrowed his eyes playfully, trying to hide a smile, “Oh, really?”

You smiled again, “But you did bring me coffee so I guess I can move some things around.” You slipped the coffee from his hand and sipped it carefully.

“Oh, well, I appreciate that,” he said, leaning in and pressing his lips to yours, tasting the coffee that still lingered there. He pulled away from you and handed you the muffin. “Okay!” he said, clapping as he did so, “Enjoy breakfast and I’ll see you at twelve thirty.” He pecked your lips again and slipped back out the door quietly.

You giggled behind your coffee, peeking inside the bag and seeing a giant muffin. You placed the cup gently on your desk before leaping into the air and jumping around excitedly. You landed on your bed and scooped your phone.

Y/N

10:12 AM: Omg

10:12 AM: He brought me breakfast and asked me to come to his game

Hyunwoo

10:13 AM: JB man...comin’ in clutch

Jaebum was back at your door at twelve exactly with a polite tapping on your door. He carried a bouquet of flowers and offered them to you when you opened the door. He complimented your dress and your hair, insisted you loop your arm through his as you walked and took you to a nice (affordable) restaurant for lunch.

“See you tonight, beautiful,” he whispered charmingly, pecking your cheek and glancing at his watch. “Shit! I’m late!” He ran out quickly yelling, “Love you! See you tonight!”

He was being the perfect boyfriend. You were so elated by the whole experience that you were still grinning when Hyunwoo and Jooheon stopped by to pick you up.

“Ready?” Hyunwoo asked.

“Yeah,” you said dreamily. For once, you were absolutely thrilled to go to a basketball game. You’d forgotten how hot Jaebum was in basketball shorts.

Okay, you hadn’t forgotten. You just hadn’t appreciated it in a while.

Jooheon did his infamous, and hilarious, baby voice and sang, “Jaebum and Y/N sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!”

“Shut up,” you said, still smiling. Hyunwoo wrapped his arm around your shoulders and pulled you into a hug. He kissed your hair affectionately.

“I’m happy for you,” he murmured.

You smiled back, “Me too. I just...I hope it lasts.”

“It should,” Jooheon said absently, having pulled out his wallet to examine its contents, “He did wait until the end of our dance class to talk to Hyun.”

Your gaze snapped up to Hyunwoo, who was now blushing furiously with a small smile on his face. You slapped his chest playfully. “You didn’t tell me that!” Hyunwoo shrugged and patted your shoulder before he removed it and instead held hands with Jooheon.

The game was...not worth mentioning. It was not the best or the worst game the team had ever played. They won, which made the experience better. But it was an easy win and was thus relatively boring. Jooheon and Hyunwoo spent a great deal of time on their phones, losing interest almost as soon as the ball flew into the air.

You, on the other hand, never took your eyes away from the game. You watched Jaebum almost obsessively, somehow proud and excited to be dating him again. It was like magic, the change that you’d both undergone.

You waited outside the arena for him, in the spot you’d agreed upon. It was late now, the cold air chilling your skin. You rubbed your hands against your arms and shivered subtly, your teeth on edge.

“Do you want us to wait with you?” Hyunwoo said.

“No, no,” you said, shaking your head, “you two must have plans. Go, be free!” They chuckled at your dramatic salutation and disappeared into campus. You clutched your phone tightly in your hand and glanced around your surroundings desperately.

Suddenly, the warm material of a varsity jacket dropped on your shoulders, smelling like Jaebum. You grinned hugely and held the material closer to your body. You turned and whispered, “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” He leaned down to kiss you, his hair still damp from the shower he’d rushed through. You brought your hands to his hair and felt it quickly.

“You’re going to get a cold!” you scolded.

“Relax,” he smiled. His hand found yours and you strolled together towards your dorm. You tried to hurry him along, seriously concerned about his health but he kept you walking slower. “I’ll be fine.”

There was a pleasant silence as you walked, your hand warmed by his embrace. You felt sure again, like you had when you’d first started going out. This was the relationship you remembered, the one you’d been fighting to get back.

“Hey,” he said softly, as if not to disturb the still air around you, “Can I say something?”

“Of course.”

“I just...I’m sorry.” He paused and collected his thoughts, trying to choose his words carefully. He’d been thinking over this speech all afternoon, even partly during the game (which ended up being, basically, a snooze-fest). “I know that I put our relationship aside for a really long time. It’s just that...I loved you and I knew you loved me, so I convinced myself that we’d be strong enough to get through this. Strong enough to be put aside. But I realized...no matter how strong a relationship, sometimes it has to come first.”

You nodded your agreement. He stopped and turned to you, watching your gaze for a moment. Seemingly finding what he wanted there, he leaned forward and reached into the pocket of his jacket that you were still wearing. From it, he withdrew a small box. You opened your mouth to object, but he beat you to the punch.

“This is not the ring you think it is,” he said hastily, smiling because he could all but read your thoughts, “It’s just...this was really important for me - figuring out how much you mean to me. I wanted something to commemorate it.” He opened the box and inside was a small gold band, dainty and simple. Not at all an engagement ring. A promise ring of sorts. He took it out of the box and revealed the engraving on the inside: first place.

“First place?”

“So you’ll know that this relationship, you and me, we come first.”

“Jaebum,” you cooed, “That’s so cheesy!” You took the ring as he gave it to you, slipping it onto your pointer finger easily. You hugged him tightly and he wrapped his arms around you.

“I know,” he whispered, kissing your forehead, “But I mean it.”

“It won’t be much longer now, Mrs. Im. It’s spread beyond what is treatable. I’m sorry, there’s nothing more we can do.” 

That was three weeks ago. Three weeks of watching the man I love slowly slip from my fingers. My world slipping away with him. 

He was beautiful, in every way shape and form. His eyes, his smile, his personality, his love. He made my life worth living and now, I was going to have to live my life without him. How could I? How could I go on without Im Jaebum? I don’t think I could. 

He was my world. 

Soon, they kept saying. Today could be the day, they would say, but those days never came and we remained stuck in this cycle of waiting. Waiting for the inevitable. 

Waiting for life to stop. 

But today, today was that day. The day I watched his chest rise and fall with so much struggle, his breathing rough and forced. All I could do is watch, clutching onto his hand for dear life. 

A life that was about to leave me forever. 

I laid beside him on that stupid hospital bed he had been in for so long, wrapped up in his arms as I cried. 

“Don’t leave me, Jae. I don’t know how to live without you. I can’t live without you.” I sobbed, the beeping of his heart monitor increasing, steadily. 

“Be brave, sweetheart. You can do this. You have a full life ahead of you and all the love to give. You will go on.” he whispered into my hair, dry cracked lips pressed to my forehead. 

“I won’t.” 

“You will.” 

That same day, the light in my world went out. But, the life blooming within me brought Im Jaebum back to me in a new way, with a new love. A love I didn’t know I could possess again.   

He had been right, all along. I would go on and my life would be filled with love, joy and happiness.