#jactack

What feels like home to you? What feels like home to me is a large fluffy dog curled up at my feet. What feels like home to me is having a cold room, a warm blanket, and a good book. What feels like home to me is the empty space in my bed and the tears on my face.

Three people you’d like to have dinner with (living or dead)? I would love to have dinner with Neil Gaiman, Ruth Ginsburg, and Colin Firth.

Most complicated thing about yourself? I had so many things hit me back in August that I am still trying to deal with and process them. I can't handle the thought of steady relationships, I have trouble writing steadily, and I am watching the people I love die one at a time.

Do you think the 18-year old version of you knew you were going to end up where you are right now? I highly doubt it. Eighteen year old me was in high school thinking he was going to make a career out of engineering and design. He didn't know about his tremors or depression and the only thing he could think of was whether or not he was going to become a ladies man in college.

What’s the most life-altering decision you’ve had to make? Not to commit suicide. I've come close several times since August... but each time I reminded myself of the promise I made to myself.

What’s more important: the little things or the big, grand gestures? I think both things are important. The big grand gestures remind you that whoever is doing it cares enough to try to wow you or throw their all into showing their feelings. The little things are everyday reminders of why you stay around, why you care about that person.

Do you have a close circle of friends you rely on or do you go through life more on your own?  Would you change that if you could? There is a mix... I have a close circle of friends... but I should rely on them more than I do. I relied on them heavily back in August and November, when I was at my worst. But betrayed trust is hard to forgive... and as a result I've been going on my own more often than not, with the help of my dear friends on this site. I don't want to be a burden when I already know how much my friends are dealing with, so I can't even think that I would put my problems onto theirs and further complicate their lives.

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be? I would love to live in Iceland or one of the Scandinavian countries. They just... I mean, they have their problems, but they also have a lot of their shit figured out for the most part. I would spend a lot of my time hiking and exploring the countryside though.

Newspapers and books or news sites and kindles? I have a deep seated love of physical books. I love the feeling of something in my hand. However, I also love being able to access a book or the news from my phone or computer. As a result, I lean more towards the ease of convenience when possible.

Do you think of yourself as an analyst behind the scenes or as the person in action? I don't know. I prefer to view myself as an analyst who watches from the background... but I tend to get passionate and involve myself when I shouldn't...

There’s a book about your life so far.  What’s it called? The False Skin: How to Pretend You Aren't Just an Empty Shell.