I heard the news a day later. To say that I was devastated is an understatement. When I heard it, I was in denial. It just can’t happen. He woke up after his surgery. He even posted an Instagram Story!!

I decided to check social media: Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. No posts from his family. I checked his latest photos on Instagram and I saw some comments that confirmed the news. They were posted hours ago.

Hours after, I went to the chapel; still hoping that it was fake news. I arrived a bit late for the mass so I waited outside. When the mass ended, my Dad saw me and told me to come in. I immediately went to the coffin, alongside my parents and sister. The moment I saw the body inside the coffin, tears instantly fell. It was really him. He was only 24.

Apparently, some people thought that he was my crush. That’s not true. I didn’t have a crush on him because from the very beginning I knew he was my cousin. Our mothers are cousins. Even if he’s a distant cousin, we are still related. I know its hard to believe that we are cousins ‘cause we definitely don’t look alike. We went to an event together and some of the people we met really thought that we are a couple. I suddenly realized that he’s the only man I ever brought to an event. I usually bring my sisters or female friends.

This was the last time we talked offline. 2 years ago at a wake. 

I reread our messages and saw this. I totally forgot that he said “Labyu” to me before. May kailangan kasi siya. HAHA. Joke. As you can see I didn’t reply “Labyu” back ‘cause that would be weird. And honestly, I can’t remember him giving me anything. I never got that “something.”

I even trusted him with my cameras more than my own sisters. HAHA. Here he is with Penny (my DSLR camera). 

He is the only guy who knew and followed all my social media accounts. I even congratulated him for finding my Tumblr account. LOL

 He used to work with James Reid and Nadine Lustre aka JaDine. He only have good things to say about them, which made me so happy because I stanned the right people! He even watched On the Wings of Love (though I think he wasn’t able to finish it)! OTWOL is my favorite Filipino teleserye. He even photobombed JaDine’s viral photo after admitting their relationship at Araneta Coliseum 2 years ago!

When we reunited in 2013, I can’t remember being awkward with him. We just clicked instantly as if we’ve been hanging out for years. It also helped that we share similar interests. He is one of the few people in my life who saw the real me (I have multiple personalities. :P). Despite all of those, he understood and genuinely accepted me. I shared with him my life secrets and problems. Whenever I feel down, I just send him a simple hello and by the end of the day I felt better. He was my confidant, best friend, and advisor.

He kept our photo in his wallet, which was unfortunately stolen. Whoever stole his wallet, I hate you from the bottom of my hypothalamus!

He is handsome, smart, creative, well mannered, generous, and kind. He is such a gentleman that he actually made me realize that I am a girl. HAHA. Bakit nga ba wala siyang girlfriend?? 

He carried my bag after a long day. I actually refused his offer, but he insisted. 

Thank you, JAC for setting the standards real high. I am actually preparing myself to be single for the rest of my life. HAHA

I will always remember you this way. :)

I really thought we still have more time. When he died, that’s when I said that God is unfair and actually meant it. I still consider his death as the biggest heartbreak of my life. A part of me died with him. I have been crying every day for 6 months already and I am not even exaggerating.  

I am doing my best to move forward, JAC. I’ll try to keep the good vibes rolling. I hope you are proud of me. I miss you so much!!

It was an honor to be your fake girlfriend. I love you forever. ‘Til we meet again.

It's true that you should expect the unexpected and that things are never as they seem. You won't really know how one thing is, unless you actually try it. This applied to me with my first job, which fortunately opened so many other doors for me. However, that's what got me questioning the plans I've set for myself. Being a person who likes to explore, challenge myself and try new things, I am now considering taking opportunities for career paths that I’ve put aside in my mind before. 

I've learned an endless amount of things about the media and entertainment industry, and of course, myself - strengths and weaknesses (new and old). As of now, I am sure of one thing... and that is that I want to stay working in that same industry. Whether it be online, TV, radio or print - I know that's where I should be. No matter how draining, dirty or toxic it can get. What I'm not sure of is what exactly I want to do. Before, I always wanted to be a successful graphic artist, writer, host, VJ/DJ, actor, commercial model, director... so many different things and it’s only now that I’m actually being given opportunities to pursue some of these! I've tried all of these before back in school/internships and realized that I have potential in those career paths, but I never really focused on one thing at one time. Plus, I was lacking courage, experience and motivation.

Now, as I freelance here and there, I’m trying out different things related to one or more of those career paths I’m aiming for, in order to discover what it is I really want and should pursue. I’ve taken some of the opportunities that have come my way, while the others are pending. A couple weeks back, I was offered a road-manager position. I also had writer position offers. My most recent offer was to join a talent agency where they manage aspiring artists. I know that if I take one, I’ll probably lose the others, which is why I’m under time pressure to make a decision. It’s not everyday that these kind of opportunities come my way and I’m truly grateful for them. Now it’s my part to make a choice, because there’s so many other factors to consider. But it realy is passion over anything.

Now usually I’m the advice-giver - that person to go to when you have a problem. But lately, I’ve been the one to reach out to my friends and family to ask for their advice on this, because I am honestly lost at the moment. So this the part where I am asking for advice... what should I do?