#iwritejustbecause

So I wasn’t able to write my year-end post for last year (wow, it feels weird saying last year when 2012 just ended the other day). But anyhow, I’ve been wanting to write again something like a Thank You list or additional Bucket List  or a Shit List or like write letters to my closest friends but I can’t because I’m feeling kind of stoned these past days. Shit. This kind of feeling sucks. Hatred is slowly eating me up inside and I don’t like it. I hate that I still feels angry at some people. Actually, I never felt this angry for a long time now. I thought, “Wow, I totally got screwed over [again].” Is being “too nice” or “honest” or “true to yourself” really a bad thing? I guess so, sometimes…maybe? Sometimes, it’s so easy for some people to take advantage of you, to criticize you or to play with your mind and feelings, because guess what- you are so fucking nice to them. Because for them, you are just that nice and understanding person, the good friend. That someone who never gets angry or can forgive people easily. I, in fact, don’t care about what “other” people think of me anymore. They are entitled to their own opinion. And besides, their opinions don’t matter to me. Why? Because they don’t fucking know me, the “real” me; they are irrelevant. That is why I got really hurt and frustrated when people “close” to me are saying or doing “bad” things to me. Like seriously?!?! I thought we were friends. Maybe I’ve been reading too much on things. Silly me. Them, hurting and criticizing me (may it be intentional or not), is not even a question. I got really hurt. I felt like a total shit, betrayed and stupid. And the saddest part is, realizing that you don’t even deserve any kind of explanation, or a sorry or anything shit because, maybe, you don’t really matter to them. Maybe I just got disappointed. Maybe I just really thought that they are “different” from “others.” I expected too much, maybe. And so I guess, I just have to accept the reality that we’ve all changed. Forgive myself for letting them hurt me and move on with my life. I should let go. Sorry that I can’t be that person that you all “expected” me to be. This is who I am now. I don’t just do things to satisfy people anymore.  And I won’t go knocking at everyone’s door and try to explain myself nor beg them to like me (or even love me). Because in all honesty, 2012 was the year that I became most “myself.” That year was one of my most (if not the most) profound, “intimate” relationships I had with myself. One of my cantik friends was so damn right when she told me that being 25 is the best. I didn’t believe her at first. But now, I could finally say, “Fuck yeah, it’s the best.” There are a lot of good and bad memories from last year. And I will surely remember them all. So much to learn from these memories. And even if I’m getting tired being so nice, I will really try my best to be really happy. To continue being true to myself and be Thankful to all the people who didn’t give up on me, and support me and love me for who I really am (and for who I am not). And that even though I’m heading down a crooked path, I should never give up.

You've shared so many wonderful things to me. Thank you for that. _____________________ There's this one song that means a lot to me; a song by Corrine May, On the Side of Me. This song helped me get through a really though time in my life. It made me feel that I am not alone. It actually became one of my favorite songs ever since I first heard it years ago. And this is quite fascinating but I just found out that Corrine May also composed and originally sang one of my favorite songs back in high school, Journey. She's amazing. Her songs are amazing. The lyrics are beautiful. By the way, have you heard of her other songs like Beautiful Life and 24 Hours? Ang gaganda! All the thoughtful words that you've said to me helped me pick up the bits and pieces of myself and to put them back together again. You gave me words of encouragement, support and love when I needed them the most. I may not always be there for you physically but know that I am always here for you. I will always wish for your happiness no matter where I am. And I know that you are strong. Even if the world gets even tougher, Even if some people hurt us so bad, We know that there's still something/someone beautiful out there. Something really worth it. We are like a piece of art that is not yet finished. A work in progress as they say...as we say. (◠‿◠) I know this letter is kind of random and disorganized but let it be. (>.<) I have so much more to say but I'll just say it when we see each other again. Love, Kimilot ______________________ "'Cause everyone needs a friend to hold when it's cold outside and there's no place to go Everyone needs a friend to hold all alone I cried there was no place to go I remember when nobody cared but you"

So here’s some of them: - Having Get-together with Friends: I’ve missed a lot of get-togethers before but I am so thankful I was able to catch up and meet up with friends for more than half of 2011.  They are my greatest support system and are truly my second family. Thank you all for rolling with me, my Big Os! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCmZ2jrQooE - Being able to share my thoughts and self on Tumblr and on other SNS - Being able to practice my creative side - Being appreciative about so many things (may it be ‘little’ or ‘big’ things) - Having something/someone to believe in - Experiencing all the shits and being able to learn how to appreciate things and people a lot easier - Being inspired by friends and strangers - Having my family around (I miss Inang Nuna though…so so much!) - Being able to connect to the rest of the world through the internet - Being able to read and write - Sunrise and Sunset - Being able to see, hear, smell, taste, and feel - Having friends coming over to our house - Being able to watch and follow my favorite artists’ activities in real-time (Thank you Internet!) - Hearing birds chirping everyday - Gazing at the sky and seeing all the stars that bring smile on my face - Having a good conversations with friends: intelligent ones, foolish ones, funny ones…just whatever we feel like talking and we just don’t care (hahaha not that we don’t care at all, we’re just having fun, and just love being ourselves) - Being with nature - Visiting places in the Philippines I’ve never been before - Being lazy and doing nothing (hah this should not be a habit though) :D - Just being able to wake up every morning - Flowers - Being hopeful but not overly optimistic - Living in the moment while still being able to reflect on the past (learning from past mistakes) and somehow planning for the future - Learning to love and value myself more - Seeing people smile - Funny and inspiring videos - Good music - All the cute things that made me smile - Being more “alive” - Seeing myself smile and hearing myself laugh till my stomach hurts - Receiving unexpected gifts (I hope you are reading this right now. Thank you for the birthday song! as I’ve said, you are the first and still the only person who made me a personalized song…and you even sang it and recorded it for me like a real song- plus with the lyrics and guitar chord/notes…Salamat ng bonggang-bongga!) - Letters/ emails from my super friends - Wisdom and Life lessons that are helping me be a better person (to myself and to “others”) - Being able to remember memories (good or bad) - Being “weird” and not giving a shit about what other people think (I love honesty—-so yeah just be honest with me) - Discovering amazing and good movies and tv shows - Reading inspiring and funny blogs - Eating my favorite ramyeon! woohoo spicy noodles ftw! - Being more attached with my femininity (as my MP would always say) - Being able to help people - Being able to say Thank you and Sorry - Seeing people stop and stand up when hearing the Philippine National Anthem - Being able to say how much you appreciate someone or something - Being able to celebrate life, and continuing to learn how to embrace all of life’s shitness (even though I still don’t understand it sometimes) - Being able to talk to old friends again - Amazing photographs - Being able to sleep normally - Compliments I’ve received from friends (and to their brutally honest critiques for me) - Having the guts to cut my own hair - Good news around - A hug and a pat on the back from friends - Having the strength to carry on - Birthday greetings - Not losing the respect I have for people around me - Rainbows - Forgiveness (for others and for thyself) - Food. gotta love eating :D (hah, I hope to cook more this year!) - Kindness of people - Trees - People reading my blog - Coming across something that instantly inspires me :) Like seriously, thank you to the countless amazing people around the globe. Again thank you to the Internet! :) waaaaa so so much more to be thankful for last 2011. Thank you for all the little and big things that made me appreciate life much more! Thank you 2011 for the myriad of emotions! I should start the year right by having much achievable New Year’s resolutions like to get a new haircut (again!), lose weight (slowly but surely..hahaha), work my butt off and save money (for real), be a better person, be more more alive and be thankful everyday…that’s all enough for now. hahaha these are achievable, right?!? :D and oh, to really replace my fear of the unknown with great curiosity, and be bold and more courageous. and oh be in love? maybe :) lol so much to do :D

- I can be more “ME” on tumblr- need I say more?!? 

Okay, maybe next year I’ll invite them…kekeke :D

But as a blogger myself, it’s always a great feeling to know that the people who are visiting your site appreciate the things that you’re sharing with them. So if I really find the blog or discussion amazing, I leave a comment (it’s usually a Thank You comment»> hahaha right now, those probably are sites that provide me with info about Bigbang) since they really are so inspiring for me now (and before) :D

Posting your Rant video like that on Youtube was a suicide mission. so, GOOD LUCK to you.