On Hatred, Self, and Letting Go
So I wasnāt able to write my year-end post for last year (wow, it feels weird saying last year when 2012 just ended the other day). But anyhow, Iāve been wanting to write again something like a Thank You list or additional Bucket List Ā or a Shit List or like write letters to my closest friends but I canāt because Iām feeling kind of stoned these past days. Shit. This kind of feeling sucks. Hatred is slowly eating me up inside and I donāt like it. I hate that I still feels angry at some people. Actually, I never felt this angry for a long time now. I thought, āWow, I totally got screwed over [again].ā Is being ātoo niceā or āhonestā or ātrue to yourselfā really a bad thing? I guess so, sometimesā¦maybe? Sometimes, itās so easy for some people to take advantage of you, to criticize you or to play with your mind and feelings, because guess what- you are so fucking nice to them. Because for them, you are just that nice and understanding person, the good friend. That someone who never gets angry or can forgive people easily. I, in fact, donāt care about what āotherā people think of me anymore. They are entitled to their own opinion. And besides, their opinions donāt matter to me. Why? Because they donāt fucking know me, the ārealā me; they are irrelevant. That is why I got really hurt and frustrated when people ācloseā to me are saying or doing ābadā things to me. Like seriously?!?! I thought we were friends. Maybe Iāve been reading too much on things. Silly me. Them, hurting and criticizing me (may it be intentional or not), is not even a question. I got really hurt. I felt like a total shit, betrayed and stupid. And the saddest part is, realizing that you donāt even deserve any kind of explanation, or a sorry or anything shit because, maybe, you donāt really matter to them. Maybe I just got disappointed. Maybe I just really thought that they are ādifferentā from āothers.ā I expected too much, maybe. And so I guess, I just have to accept the reality that weāve all changed. Forgive myself for letting them hurt me and move on with my life. I should let go. Sorry that I canāt be that person that you all āexpectedā me to be. This is who I am now. I donāt just do things to satisfy people anymore.Ā And I wonāt go knocking at everyoneās door and try to explain myself nor beg them to like me (or even love me). Because in all honesty, 2012 was the year that I became most āmyself.ā That year was one of my most (if not the most) profound, āintimateā relationships I had with myself. One of my cantik friends was so damn right when she told me that being 25 is the best. I didnāt believe her at first. But now, I could finally say, āFuck yeah, itās the best.ā There are a lot of good and bad memories from last year. And I will surely remember them all. So much to learn from these memories. And even if Iām getting tired being so nice, I will really try my best to be really happy. To continue being true to myself and be Thankful to all the people who didnāt give up on me, and support me and love me for who I really am (and for who I am not). And that even though Iām heading down a crooked path, I should never give up.
















