#iwontstandalone

I believe that I’m full of love, but it’s just become protected by thick layers of defense where i appear like a cold hard heartless person.

I didnt create this mold. The mold formed. But I guess I’m partially if not mostly responsible for it.

But i have a hammer and I’m breaking through different layers each day.

Yes, it’s overwhelming to see how many layers I let form

I was running on the treadmill at the gym listening to nice acoustic pop punk music and I just wanted to keep running even though my legs felt weak. I was lost in my thoughts of what I want to do with my life and where I want to be and it felt really good. I came to the conclusion today about how I don’t need a relationship right now and I’m okay with being single. I have so much on my plate right now and don’t really have time for a relationship and I need to focus on my life. If a guy comes along and enters my life so be it. But I don’t know where I’ll be in a couple years and that leads into a whole bunch of different questions if I was in a relationship. Like, would he be willing to do long distance? Would he be okay with possibly moving where I will wind up? Will he be okay if I have to go somewhere on a business trip? Will he stay faithful and really work to stay with me?  I dont need that concern on me as well. I’m already working at school, and constantly in the summer. I’m a double major with a minor and I’m always in class/working on projects for classes. I want a lot in my life and get the jobs I truly want as well. I’m not worried about being a single woman in the world. A man will never define me even if I do meet someone. My standards are quite high as well but I dont really plan on lowering them. Perhaps the perfect guy for me is out there but I’m not about going to look for him, he’s gonna have to wander into my life and make an effort to stay. I’ve never begged anyone to stay because if they wanted to be in my life they’d try.

This is me, and this is me focusing on me and only me for me. I will get my bliss and happiness. I will get the image of my perfect future, sitting on my back deck in summer as sunset is coming in sipping wine. I will watch as the stars come out and inhale deeply. Maybe with a husband and some kids, perhaps just me and a dog, or even maybe just me alone.

Once again my night is full of thoughts of you

I cry because we never said goodbye

I lost a dear friend

I’m not even that mad, just kind of sad

After all your promised, and all you said