#ivfwarrior

ya’ll IVF warrior qweens are gold, baby. solid GOLD.

It's National Infertility Awareness week, and while I might be only 10 weeks away from meeting my first, precious little rainbow girl - it hasn't always been this way. She took a full 7 years of heartache, miscarriages and waiting to even be here.

I am a woman who is 1 in 8 and I can't even tell you how much I will cherish this child that I waited so long for.

Hysteroscopy final results indicated that my uterine lining is normal. Welp, that’s a relief.

And then, doc dove right into transfer cycle planning.

As in we are scheduled to kick off my first ever transfer cycle September 20 with a transfer date of October 9.

As in I could be confirmed pregnant just prior to my 35th birthday.

As in, it’s pineapple core time baby.

As in, it’s freakin GO TIME.

What I need to repeat to myself about seven hundred thirty two times per day, esp today, about various topics not limited to infertility.

Current domains of mini freak outs:

Back to school w students day #1 and I totally forgot my midday energy booster at home (grrrrrrrrr... putting back extra water, trying to convince myself that hydration is a natural energy surge.)

Infertility weight gain (bc I may have gained the solid infertile fifteen, but I’m healthy, I’m working out five times per week, I have a hospitable uterus, and I have loving relationships. REPEAT: calm the f down, your weight doesn’t define you homegirl)

Impending transfer cycle (to kick off in October. Will it work? I only have two embryos on ice. What if I lose them both? COURSE CORRECTION: it isn’t “only” two. It’s a dream come true to have two. What if it doesn’t work? Well qween.. what if it does?)

The onslaught of football season (which means my home is taken over by hungry real/fantasy football lovers every Sunday until super bowl and I no longer get my Sunday chill-the-f-out-days, which is freaking the eternal introvert in me out, who needs ample time to decompress.)

Damn car vents (got in the car after my first day of school w students in 80+ degree heat, so excited to get to my car and leave the stress of the day in the past... and nothing came out of my vents. Turned it off and started er up again. Nada. FCCCUKKKKKK. Called the mechanic and he may be able to fix it on Thursday, which means I’ll likely have to rent a car to get to and from work. Which means I’ll have to cancel acupuncture for tomorrow to orchestrate this whole shebang. Double fcuk. Reminder: YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN. It’s just a car. You’ll live. Seriously.)

Work clothes (I didn’t have a chance to purchase any new school clothes bc of 1) time and 2) reference weight gain above and infer that it’s a lackluster time to go on a shopping spree. But now that school/works back in session, im feeling the burn of the ill fitting clothes, which makes me even more self conscious about the extra few floating around my butt and gut.)

It’s been a long week, qweens.

And it’s just Tuesday.

And yesterday was a holiday.

Had my beta today and my first ultrasound. I’ll start with the ultrasound- it was way too early! It was saddening and stressful bc all we could see was a healthy uterus and lining! I’m a little frustrated that cny wasted my time and money and the time of the satellite clinic to do an ultrasound this early.

Beta... well we results came back less than desirable! Our first beta last Tuesday: 39.1 Thursday 68 and today 233.1 (so we haven’t been doubling and we’re about 100 behind where we should be. Hcg is still rising. I still have symptoms. They just aren’t sure what’s happening and why.

Options are:

1. Chemical pregnancy (again)

2. Ectopic pregnancy

3. Genetic anomaly in the egg- basically due to my age. Only 60% of my eggs at my age are good quality eggs.

4. It’s a normal pregnancy my hcg is just slow to double.

5. Miscarriage could be pending if hcg is slowing...

So with all that in mind- we will do another beta and ultrasound this coming Friday.

If nothing shows up then and hcg isn’t multiplying... we will have to investigate what’s happening!

Hopefully we just start catching up in hcg and the baby can be seen when we look next week!

I was also warned that if I have any bleeding or severe cramping to immediately go to the er and to call the office- as it could be ectopic or a miscarriage that I would need care for both!

After 4 days of bleeding the cramping and passing of tissue started.

I went to the local er. 2 hours later my beta came back 60. No need to sugar coat it, I was actively miscarrying my baby.

Another hour later and a 10 second pelvic exam confirmed I was actively passing my baby.

So much fear. So much sadness. So many regrets.

I’ve know for 5 years I had unexplained infertility. I’ve come to terms with that. But how do I come to terms with losing my baby, with being a mom of miscarriage.

I’m not sure how to proceed.

Haven’t had a good night sleep in the two days dealing with bean being gone!