#iui 1

Confession: I am so scared to test Tuesday. My logic was at the beginning of this cycle, oh I'll wait and see if af shows. If she does I won't have to deal with a negative test and if she doesn't show then I can feel a bit more hopeful when I test. But now because of the progesterone I am forced to unless af says screw this and breaks thru anyway, which I doubt bc I am on such a high dose. I just really really don't want to see a negative. *sigh*. I would much rather see blood in the form of af than a negative. I know if it is negative I won't be calling the re and telling them that day bc I'll probably break down telling the nurse. I'll wait until they close and leave a message. I don't know what happens next right now if I'm not. I do know if I'm not I'm highly leaning towards getting an hsg before I proceed with anything else bc I don't much like that hanging over my head.

This morning I had what looked to be miniscule spotting. 2 little spots on my panty liner that weren't even the width of a pencil eraser of rusty colored blood. Maybe the progesterone suppositories are irritating my cervix? Hell who knows honestly what it's from, I marked it down on my chart just to make note. The progesterone suppositories are killing me. I hate them immensely if I am being honest. It's amazing how a hormone that you're supposed to have in your body can make you feel insane when it is introduced in other ways. I'm so tired of my boobs hurting. They actually have started waking me up with horrible pains zinging thru them. This might be an exciting development if not for the, yeah you know, progesterone. If it wasn't for the progesterone I might have a clue if af was on her way. Usually this is right around the time my normal progesterone drops and all the pms symptoms start to subside and I'm like yeah, af will be her in a day or 2. Instead I'm left in limbo. Limbo with an insane headache. And some crampy feelings. I didn't test today after finding the ff stats about testing yesterday. I know that the trigger is out of my system so that's all I care about atm. When I do test I don't have to worry that that is still there. I feel so awful today. I can't wait for this 2ww to either be over or for all the crappiness to mean something good.

Progesterone: you should totally get teary in a grocery store about not having any cash to give an obviously tweaking parking lot crackhead with an elaborate sob story. Apparently tonight I didn't care if they were blatantly lying to me, I was in a mood where I would have been like ok dude here's some drug money if I would've had it I guess. Also progesterone is all like: you should get pretty pissed that they forgot the pickles on your Cuban sandwich (but seriously how the hell you gonna make a Cuban and forget the pickles?!) This is why I don't want to leave the house for the next few days. I am insane!

Grr lost a post. So I tested again this evening for the trigger bc why not and now it is barely a shadow so we'll see how it looks tomorrow with more concentrated pee. We won't even talk about the irony of seeing a positive hpt and it having nothing to do with pregnancy. I will feel better staring at blank tests for the next week than living in a false world and then being crushed on 14dpo. I mean no, I am not out this cycle by any means. There is still plenty of hope but I am preparing myself for the need to do another cycle. I can be hopeful but I still want to be realistic as well. I went and picked up the progesterone. The nurse had me looking on good rx for coupons because she told me it was expensive. Well I guess they forget that I have insurance simply because they don't accept my company. With my insurance the progesterone was completely free. It makes me feel a little better since I've learned that low progesterone isn't necessarily the fault of anything that one could prevent. Sometimes it's something that just happens even if you have done everything you think you can do regardless of metformin use or otherwise. At least if we do another cycle I'll be able to use the progesterone from 1 dpo since we know I have an issue with low progesterone now. It's a shame we had to go through a whole iui cycle to figure this out and that it couldn't have been figured out in all the months leading up to it. What's best for me right now is just to go back taking it one day at a time. I was sad earlier and I'm still disappointed and I feel a little bit angry too just because I so badly want my body to do what it seems like everyone else's does but I know that the sadness and the anger and the disappointment still will not change anything and that I just have to continue to be proactive.

I can't really describe how let down I feel today. I mean we finally get good sperm and then there is a good chance my egg is less than stellar. I mean she did say that sometimes the egg is perfectly good and the corpus luteum just doesn't produce like it should but once again it didn't really matter what anybody says bc in the end it's theory and speculation and nobody knows exactly what happened. Even with medical intervention it's all just chance and miracles. If I'm not pregnant then they will probably up the femara. It kind of pisses me off that they started me at 2.5mg when most people seem to start at around 5mg and have great response. With iui I would prefer to get more than one follicle honestly. I am also going to ask about trigger shots and at which point they become necessary because really, was my follicle ready yet? Would it have gone on it's own? If so would it have been more mature? Better? Also haven't really figured out how to pay for the next cycle. It wouldn't be so terrible if the sperm didn't have a $200 shipping fee, that hurts us a lot. I'm feeling rather upset right now that we didn't go ahead and purchase 4 vials this cycle so we had 2 on ice. This is what I wanted but DH was unsure bc I think in his mind he thought this would work the 1st shot. I wish I had his optimism when it came to fertility. I also don't know how much further to proceed without a hsg, that is if my insurance covers it bc if they don't I doubt I can afford one. I would certainly explode if I kept doing cycles and then found out I had tubal issues on top of it. I don't even care about the pain of one anymore.... I've had ovarian cysts burst on me and have lived to tell the tale, I'm sure I can handle the hsg. I'm going to go pick up the progesterone shortly and then off to do some shit I just do not want to do but have no choice and then hopefully come home and try to regain some kind of peace of mind. I'm going to continue to test out my trigger and then just pee on a stick until day 14 since I am assuming I won't have a normal luteal phase due to being supplemented with progesterone, at least that is how the nurse made it sound.

Figured I didn’t have anything to lose by seeing if my trigger was out of my system yet. It is not. Wish it was. Almost is but not quite.

My optimism for this cycle is pretty much out the window. I thought I ovulated good but I guess not. My progesterone level is 7.31. I want to cry. She prescribed me progesterone supplements just in case, which I'll use obviously but meh. I really really wasn't expecting bad news. She told me she's seen lots of women with levels as low as 6 get pregnant but I kind of feel like she was just trying to give me some hope that I'm not even sure I really want people to do that right now. I feel really really guilty at the moment... Like i should have done more before embarking on this journey ... if I would have lost 15 more lbs, if I would have been able to tolerate metformin... I dunno constant blame game of one's self. I just want this cycle to be over now so I can figure out my next move.