#itz

[ELLE’S POV]

I was out at a bar with the girls and some of the Bengals players when it hit me.

Joe was in a back corner, leaning into a lounger with his legs spread as he sipped from his bottled water. Everyone crowded around him, like usual, but he sat there quietly, smiling politely, nodding along when he needed to.

Here…but not always present.

A girl placed her manicured hand on his arm, and I saw Joe tense briefly before he relaxed. His eyes danced across the room, skimming passed me as he watched this new girl lean into him.

She was pretty. Effortless. The kind who was used to being seen, having attention.

Joe didn’t pull away. Why would he? I didn’t expect him to.

He didn’t owe anyone that and especially not me.

But there was an ache in my chest all the same.

I reminded myself that this was Joe. This was how he treated everyone, even me. It was all easy smiles, casual touches, with familiarity that didn’t mean anything.

The difference was that I knew what his hands felt like when they meant something.

Or at least I thought I had.

Now every time I saw him use that same touch on someone else, it felt like something inside me was breaking.

“Earth to Birdie!” Cas waved her hands in front of my face. “Are you even listening?”

I blinked at her slowly. “What?”

Vanessa rolled her eyes. “You’ve been staring into space for the last five minutes.”

“I’m just tired,” I said easily.

I had to remind myself that it didn’t matter what Joe did. I was free to do whatever I wanted, just like he was.

I couldn’t help it though, as I continued to watch this version of Joe. He was more confident now. Sure of himself. It almost made me smile.

I thought about the way he touched me in the shadows, called my name like it belonged solely to him. The way he looked at me when we were alone.

But that was my problem.

Because none of that existed anywhere else.

I sipped my whiskey and diet, letting the liquor burn as it slid down my throat. My phone buzzed in my back pocket, just once.

Sharp.

A text.

I waited a beat and turned to look across the room again. Joe was still seated on the couch in his relaxed pose, but the girl who had her hands on him earlier was turned away. I saw his phone laying face down on his thigh and he quirked his brow at me, tauntingly saying, “you’re really not going to check it?”

I shook my head softly and turned in my seat again. I took another sip of my drink. I tapped my fingers on the bar top. It wasn’t enough to distract me though. I pulled my phone from my pocket and saw what I knew I would, a message from Joe.

JOE: my place after????

My chest tightened as his words settled over me. This whole arrangement was slipping out of my control.

This was no longer the uncomplicated, no strings attached agreement this had started as. No longer did it feel like it was about teaching a guy how to read a woman’s body in the bedroom.

If I didn’t regain some of my control, didn’t re-draw that line between us and, re-establish the rules…

It was going to hurt.

It was going to hurt me, specifically.

Badly.

I didn’t go to Joe’s that night.

A few days later I was in bed and doom scrolling on my phone, swapping between Instagram and TikTok while my mind was racing.

Rarely did things about Joe show up on my socials, but I had to admit it had started happening more frequently. Probably from the proximity to him, but also undoubtedly encouraged by the way I tracked every game of his this season, scrambling for details on the game, how he did…though I would never admit it. Rarely did anything about his personal life pop up for me, and that was by design.

But then it was there in front of my face.

A headline. A picture. Another one. And another. Joe. Outside some club after an appearance.

He was laughing casually, but a real Joe laugh that I could see in the crinkle of his eye.

He had his arm slung around a girl who looked perfect for those pictures. She was the kind of beautiful that didn’t second guess itself.

There were more as I continued through the slides.

Different nights. Different girls.

One after the other.

All Joe. Super casual with these gorgeous women.

My stomach rolled and my chest tightened, sharp and sudden.

I had to remind myself we weren’t anything.

This was allowed.

This was expected.

I put these parameters in place.

So why was I allowing it to get to me? I knew this was bound to happen. I had intended for it to happen. It was part of why I insisted on my rules in the first place. I was trying to avoid the inevitable pain I was already feeling.

I sat up abruptly, running my hand through my hair as my heart pounded harder with every second that passed.

“God, you’re so stupid,” I muttered.

I’d done the one thing I wasn’t supposed to do.

I’d fallen for him.

And it terrified me.

He had options. Endless ones. Girls who fit into his world, who didn’t have to pretend, who didn’t have to hide behind false bravado.

A few days later it unraveled.

It was another party at Cas and Tee’s place. Loud. Crowded. Too many people, too much noise, too much of everything.

Joe was here, like usual. Holding court with a bunch of people around him. I tried not to look his way often. Every time I caught a glimpse of him, I felt myself barely holding it together.

His eyes danced over the shoulder of someone in the group to meet mine.

I nodded my head discreetly, indicating for him to follow me.

I walked to the end of the hallway on the second floor and not long after, Joe appeared. His eyes sparked as he scanned me from head to toe.

That look.

It always started with that look. Slow. Intentional.

Like the rest of the world dropped away the second we were in each other’s orbit.

Joe stepped close enough that I felt the heat of him, familiar and dangerous and entirely too easy to fall into.

This part was by muscle memory now.

My hands found the hem of his shirt and his fingers danced across my jaw before sliding into my hair.

The noise around me faded as I focused on Joe’s gaze.

It didn’t feel the same. Instead, my stomach tightened and I suddenly felt sick.

I couldn’t stop thinking about the pictures I had seen all over social media. About the way he’d smiled at those girls with what I thought was my smile.

About how easily that could be anyone. But it wasn’t me.

“You’re distracted,” he murmured against my throat, sending vibrations to my pulse.

I stiffened. “I’m not.”

“Elle.” His voice softened dangerously as he said my name, it sent a chill down my spine and had me heating up. “You are.”

I pulled back just enough to look at him and realized my mistake as I looked into his eyes. They weren’t casual.

He wasn’t detached from the moment.

Instead, his eyes were searching.

My world felt like it was tipping on its axis.

Like if either of us said the wrong thing, this whole fragile thing would collapse.

So I deflected and moved to brush my lips over his again, but Joe pulled back and held my hips steady.

“Don’t overthink it,” I said stepping out of his space. I broke the moment before it could mean anything more. “It’s not that deep.”

My words hung there.

“Good,” he murmured, catching me by my hips. “Then we’re still on the same page.”

I let Joe devour my mouth in that dim hallway as my thoughts raced.

This wasn’t sustainable and I knew that.

I knew it by the dull ache in my chest that shouldn’t be there, by the way I always thought about him when we weren’t together.

I knew it in the way that I cared about him.

I let us have this moment. For now.

Later in the night when the party was still going in full swing, I decided it was time to leave. My mind wasn’t calming down, and everything was getting overwhelming.

I quietly said my goodbyes to the girls, grabbed my jacket and slipped out the door without anyone else noticing.

Or so I thought.

Barely 30 seconds later, I heard the door open and shut again. The sounds of the body approaching…I knew it was Joe and took a deep breath to steel myself before I turned around to face him, playing with my keys in my hand.

This moment felt all too familiar to me.

“We need to stop,” I said quickly.

Joe paused about five feet from me.

I watched his face twist as my words registered.

“What?”

“This,” I said in a whisper and gestured between us even though no one else was around. “Whatever this is.”

“Where is this coming from?”

I let out a quiet laugh.

“I saw you over the last few weeks, in the media,” my voice trembled no matter how hard I tried to steady my words. “The way you were lighting up for everyone else, the confidence I saw in you with other women. This is it, the reality in fact, that this was never going to be anything more than what it is.”

“And what is it?” he asked, quieter now.

I felt a piece of me break with his words.

Because he sounded confused, like he didn’t see it.

Like he didn’t feel it.

How out of control this was getting.

“Nothing,” my voice cracked.

Joe looked like I had slapped him.

“I can’t do this anymore,” my voice was soft but somehow more desperate. “I thought I could, but I can’t.”

Joe stood there confused and tried to reach for me. I stepped back.

It felt like everything was closing in on me, even though we were outside in the wide open air.

“Why can’t you?” he asked softly.

I didn’t say anything. I tried to. My mouth opened and closed repeatedly but nothing came out.

He almost let it go, almost decided not to push back, I could tell.

He stepped just close enough to erase what little space was left between us in the driveway and my breath hitched.

“You didn’t recognize me,” he said softly. “Not my name. Not my face. Nothing.”

I couldn’t move.

Didn’t look away.

“No, I didn’t.”

His gaze dropped quickly to my mouth then back to my eyes.

“And you still chose this,” he exhaled a sharp breath. “Chose me.”

I swear my heart stopped.

“That’s what keeps playing on repeat in my mind right now,” he admitted. “It didn’t make it feel casual. You made it feel…real.”

The honesty in his voice hit harder than anything else and had me stepping back in surprise.

“That’s the problem,” I whispered my voice cracking on the last word.

Silence settled between us.

Heavy.

I shook my head quickly, like I could physically push the feelings back down where they belonged.

“This was supposed to be simple. That was the whole point. No feelings, no complications and I stupidly broke that rule first. I should’ve ended it the second it stopped feeling that way.”

“It can still be simple,” he said running his hands through his hair in frustration. But I noticed there was something uncertain in his voice now. “We’re just…”

“Don’t, Joe.” I said softly.

Because if he said it…If he reduced us to that…

I didn’t think I could recover.

His jaw tightened. “So what, you just walk away?”

“Yes.”

His eyes searched my face for any sign of a lie. “That’s it?”

I felt my chest crumbling.

“Do you have any idea what this looks like from my side?” The words spilled out before I could stop them.

He frowned, confused. “What..?”

“I see you everywhere,” I pushed on with my voice getting higher. “On my phone, online, in headlines. You every other day… it’s you with someone else. I didn’t think it would matter,” my voice broke despite how hard I tried to hold it together. “I didn’t think you would matter this much.”

Joe stood there, frozen, his hands stuffed in his pockets.

“So we have to end it now. It’s already too complicated. I can’t afford for it to get messier.”

“It doesn’t have to end like this,” he said quietly.

I shook my head at him. “Yes, it does. Because of this. This is exactly how I end up getting hurt.”

I tightened my hands into fists at my side, flexing.

“I didn’t sign up for feelings,” I added. “I didn’t sign up for watching you be with other people and pretending it doesn’t affect me.”

He stepped forward again. Instinct. Like he wanted to close the distance between us.

I took a step back.

“This was never casual for me,” he snapped. “I just…” He let out a breath, dragging a hand through his hair. “I need to know.”

“Know what?” I said carefully.

His eyes found mine and this time, he didn’t look away.

“If it was real,” he said.

My pulse jumped.

“What was?”

He didn’t say anything right away. Didn’t move, either.

He just stood there, the tension in the space between us stretching thinner.

“This,” he said finally, quieter now. “Whatever this is when it’s just us.”

My throat went dry.

Because that was the one thing we didn’t talk about.

Didn’t define.

I ignored him with a shake of my head.

“You’re good now, Joe. Like…really fucking good at fucking now. Why does it matter? You got what you wanted so we just…we just need to end it now.”

He shook his head, a wry smile on his face.

“Bye,” I said quietly and turned away.

Just keep walking, I thought to myself.

One foot in front of the other.

This is what I wanted, I reminded myself. Simple. Clean. Over.

I swiped my cheeks where tears had started falling.

I need him to hate me for walking away. If he hates me, he won’t ask the questions I don’t have the courage to answer.

So why does it feel like I just lied about everything that mattered?

I stopped in front of my car and took a deep breath before I opened the door.

Inhale. Exhale.

I quickly started my car, needing to get out of there as fast as possible.

Before I could look in my rearview mirror, I pulled out of Tee’s driveway.

Because if I saw his face one more time, I knew I wouldn’t leave.

A few days later…

“Okay,” a voice cut in, dragging me out of it. “You’ve been weirdly quiet for, like, twenty minutes.”

We were at Vanessa’s apartment doing at home facials as an excuse to get together.

I glanced over to find Cas watching me from the other end of the couch, with her arms crossed. Her expression was mixed between suspicious and amused.

“I’m always quiet.”.

Vanessa snorted. “That’s actually not true at all.”

I tried to smile but it came out forced.

Cas’s expression shifted almost immediately. She sat up straighter.

Vanessa leaned in.

“Alright,” Cas said softly. “What happened?”

I paused.

There were layers to this. So many layers.

But none of them were supposed to be shared. That was the deal.

“Nothing.”

“Birdie.”

That was the problem with best friends.

They didn’t let you get away with things.

I let out a slow breath, dropping my gaze to my hands so I wouldn’t have to look at them.

“I was…seeing someone. I ended things.”

“Who?!” Vanessa screeched. I cringed.

I looked up, moved my eyes to Cas and held her gaze for a second.

Then…

“Joe.”

Quiet. It was so quiet as they just stared at me.

“Joe Burrow.”

“Oh my god,” Cas breathed. “Finally!”

Not shocked.

Not confused.

Just…finally?

I blinked slowly. “Wait.”

Vanessa sat up straighter, eyes lighting up.

“Wait. How long has that been going on?” Vanessa asked.

My stomach dropped.

“…You knew?” I asked Cas in disbelief, not looking away.

Cas gave me a long look before she leaned back against the couch like she was settling in for a long one.

“Birdie,” she said flatly. “We’ve known.”

“What?!” Vanessa screeched again, her eyes darting wildly between us. We both ignored her.

“What do you mean you’ve known?”

Cas laughed.

“Tee and I have known for ages. Do you think you’re subtle?” she asked. “Because you’re not subtle.”

I looked at her horrified. “We were careful.”

“Yeah,” Cas said. “You were careful about not being seen leaving places together. Not so careful about literally everything else. Especially Joe.”

“Like what?”

Cas reached for her wine and took a sip.

“The way you disappeared at the same time,” she said. “The way he stopped flirting with anyone else when you were around. The way you two avoided eye contact so aggressively it got weird.”

“Wait. If you knew, why didn’t you say anything?”

Cas shrugged.

“Because you didn’t want us to know,” she said simply. “And we figured…you had your reasons. Plus, it was kind of fun watching you both pretend like you didn’t even know each other.”

I groaned. “This is so humiliating.”

“It’s a little embarrassing,” Vanessa admitted. “But it’s also kind of iconic.”

I let out a forced laugh that cracked something inside of me just enough to breathe again.

For a second, things felt almost normal.

“So, what ended it?”

There it was.

The real question.

“Because I was starting to care,” I said, the honesty coming easier now that the secret was already out. “And he’s…” I said shakily, “he’s him.”

Vanessa and Cas nodded softly, encouraging me to continue to get this off of my chest.

“I kept seeing stuff,” I said quieter now. “Online. Him with other girls. Headlines. Photos. I knew I didn’t have a right to care, but I did.”

My throat burned around the words.

“And I didn’t want to be the girl who gets too attached to something that was never supposed to be real.”

They got silent at my explanation.

Vanessa was the first to break the silence.

“I have to know.”

My eyes narrowed. “Your tone concerns me.”

She grinned.

“Was it at least worth it?”

Cas and I blinked slowly at her

“What?”

“The sex,” she clarified, completely unbothered. “Was it good, or did you risk emotional devastation for mediocrity?”

I let out a loud laugh, my first in days.

It sobered me.

“Okay. You cannot tell anyone this.”

They both immediately leaned closer and Vanessa said, “Oh, this is gonna be good.”

I hesitated a beat.

“He was Bad Sex Guy.”

Vanessa choked on her wine and Cas’s eyes went wide.

“No,” Cas whispered, her skin paling.

I nodded, half-laughing at how absurd it sounded out loud.

“Yes.”

Vanessa clapped a hand over her mouth, trying but failing not to laugh.

“The Bad Sex Guy?” she whispered. “With the podcast?”

I chuckled. “Yes, that one.”

Vaness doubled over, laughing into the couch.

“This is the best thing I’ve ever heard,” she managed to gasp out between breaths.

“Stop,” I said, even though I was laughing now too. “It’s not funny.”

“It’s so funny,” Vanessa insisted, wiping tears of laughter from her eyes. “How did that happen?"

I paused and took a big sip of my wine before I launched into the explanation of how Joe realized the story Tee was telling him was actually about him, how it practically sent him spiraling to the point he reached out to me and we began our little arrangement of no strings attached sex, so he could learn what women enjoy.

“I am so sorry,” Cas whispered horrified when I got to the part of Tee re-telling the story. I just shrugged and reassured her that it was okay.

“I’m obsessed with this,” Vanessa said. “This is incredible.”

Silence settled around us for a minute, the story sinking in.

“…Okay, but that actually makes sense,” Cas said.

“What does?” Vanessa asked

“The confidence thing,” Cas said. “He was totally different this off season.”

I frowned. “Different how?”

“Before?” Cas said. “He was quieter. Kinda awkward, honestly. Like he didn’t fully know how to…be himself yet.”

She shrugged.

“But lately? He’s been way more confident. More… sure of himself.”

Something flipped inside of me. I’d noticed that too.

I had never said it out loud though.

“…That didn’t happen until after you two started hooking up, by the way.”

I took another sip of my wine.

“That’s not—” I started, then stopped.

I didn’t have a counterpoint.

Cas raised a brow. “Just saying.”

I looked away from their eyes.

Because that…

That wasn’t something I could think about.

“No,” I said quietly, more to myself than anything. “That doesn’t change anything.”

The girls didn’t push. But the look they gave me said they weren’t entirely convinced.

And the worst part?

I didn’t know if I was either.

“I just want to say,” Vanessa said. “respectfully, that you’re dumb.”

“Excuse me?”

Cas sputtered as she tried to sip her wine, sitting up. “No, no, she’s right. This is a terrible decision.”

“Wow. I love the support. Really helpful.”

“I’m serious,” Vanessa continued. “You invested months into that man.”

Cas nodded emphatically. “Months. Do you know how rare that is? You don’t even commit to TV shows for that long.”

“That is not the same thing,” I shot back.

“It’s exactly the same thing,” Vanessa said. “Except this one learned your preferences.”

I froze.

Vanessa leaned in slightly, lowering her voice like she was sharing something sacred.

“Do you understand how valuable that is?” she asked. “He knows what you like. He’s even good at it now.”

“You don’t just throw that away,” Cas said. “Do you know how many men are out here starting from zero, who never get the guidebook to their partners pleasure?”

Vanessa lost it again, laughing into a throw pillow.

“You’re all insane,” I said without any malice.

“I prefer practical.”

“Yeah,” Cas added. “Emotionally? Sure, whatever, protect your heart. But from a purely logistical standpoint? This is a loss.”

I just stared at them and huffed out a disbelieving laugh.

“I hate all of you.”

“Mmmmm,” Vanessa said, still grinning. “And yet, we’re still right.”