#itsoktobevulnerable

What if we told others what’s really going on in our lives, rather than ignoring calls and texts sometimes?

So here it is… I am currently in probably one of the most stressful and scariest seasons of my life. However, it’s easy to forget I am human. I feel overwhelmed, broken, fearful, confused, abandoned, unvalidated, lost, disconnected, sad, anxious, and the list goes on - for way too many reasons to list. I don’t want to have to hide. I don’t want to have to fake that I’m doing okay, as I often do. I just want my loved ones to know that I fall apart sometimes and that I’m not always as strong as I may look. And that just like a clown in a circus act, I’m juggling too much at once, so please, bear with me...

I am simultaneously dealing with a debilitating undiagnosed sinus condition (many specialists and testing later) for the past 3 years now (and it’s only getting worse), while dealing with a bunch of personal insecurities about myself (perhaps a midlife crisis), while trying to learn how to plan my dad’s end of life care, while also wrestling with the idea of meeting my biological father whom I just recently found via Ancestry.com and who’s known I’ve existed (long story!), while also trying to figure out what to do about Evan’s medical insurance, which unfortunately, is not covering the therapy service he needs most (something that completely breaks my heart and makes me feel so helpless), while also honoring my commitment to my educational studies and my writing craft. And oh, yeah, did I mention life must go on and Evan still needs to be cared for and taken to his therapies and extracurricular activities? Thank you to my husband for carrying this most important responsibility with me!

If all of this isn’t enough, I have recently fallen into a deep bout of depression due to the unaddressed emotions that have surfaced. With the exception of losing my best friend to suicide, I’ve never dealt with having to make decisions over someone else’s life as they’re dying, or with how to plan a funeral. This is especially nerve wrecking because I am THE only person to make these decisions without the support of other family members. Thank you again to my husband who is helping me through this. In the midst of all this, I’ve been also dealing with a rough patch in my marriage. And did I mention I realize I need to once again find a therapist to help me understand all of this? And that my anxiety is up the roof and I may need to consider meds again? It’s one thing after the other, and each time I feel like God has abandoned me, I HAVE to seek comfort in this Bible verse to keep my sanity: “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 🙏🏽

What if we spoke about the guilt we carry when we don’t give all of ourselves to our children?

What if I admitted I do not want to give ALL of myself to my son? Will that make me a bad mother?

Almost 10 yrs ago next month, I made the best decision of my life when I quit my job and became a full-time mommy to Evan upon his autism diagnosis. Though I had no idea of the challenges we’d face, I knew the only way I’d survive was if I held my boy’s hand every step of the way. I do not regret a single day of it, however, I did not realize that making this decision would completely put MY life on the back burner. It’s been heartbreaking in many ways because it also meant that my dreams and aspirations would have to take a backseat. I had no idea how much time and energy it would take to fight for his services and to literally have to become his advocate. I had no idea these services would not be automatically provided because of his diagnosis, and that our healthcare system would fail him. I had no idea what a large mountain we would have to climb and that losing pieces of myself during the climb was the only way I’d be able to carry him on my back.

It wasn’t until last year when I found the courage to confess what I had been feeling to my oldest son, Brandon. I finally confronted one of the major causes of the guilt I had been carrying. I had been too ashamed to even say it to my husband, especially knowing the sacrifices he’s had to make to provide for all of us, financially.

Talking to my Brandon has always been easy. We were having our usual intimate conversations. As always, he spoke to me about his life as I listened attentively and gave my son advice. On this particular day my guilt had been heavy, and when he asked, “mom, how are YOU doing?” I didn’t expect to release the load that came from this question. Unknowingly, I had been waiting for someone to validate what I had been feeling.

The tears flooded down my face like a broken dam. “I’m actually not doing well today. I am consistently torn between wanting to devote myself to my writing and pursue my dreams, and also knowing how much Evan needs me. He needs so much more services and it is all too consuming. I can’t help but think that maybe I shouldn’t be pursuing a degree in English Literature and Creative Writing. Maybe, what I should be pursuing is a degree in Applied Behavioral Analysis and become Evan’s therapist. He needs this so much and I can’t help but feel guilty for not doing this for him! Am I being selfish for not wanting that?”

It was the first time I had ever said this out loud, and instantly, I felt a weight lifted. And although this was liberating to admit, it is still my daily struggle. It feels right and necessary to dedicate so much of my time and efforts to help my son, but putting pen to paper is where I feel most fulfilled. An overwhelming sense of calm comes over me, and over and over my spirit tells me, THIS, is where you belong…

For years I have studied my craft, enrolled in countless writing workshops, attended many writing retreats, joined writing groups, etc, but this too, takes a lot of time and work. And when I start to feel the guilt and the need to pull away, once again, I let it go. And once again, I fall into despair when I am not doing my life’s work.  

I don’t know if this is a feeling that will ever go away - the tug of war between motherhood and the work I was put on this earth to do, but what I do know is that I am a human being first and I should not feel condemned for following my heart. I will continue to do my best with both roles and seek comfort from the One who created me and everything inside of me: “But when the Father sends the Advocate as my representative—that is, the Holy Spirit—he will teach you everything and will remind you of everything I have told you.” John 14:26

Three years ago, I moved to Australia from the US (as a way to check my professional goals and to reground myself) and I maintained a blog. The problem was that I bit off more than I could chew and even after I returned to the US I found myself spending hours creating posts and reliving some of the experiences and it became too much - not something I was excited to do because I felt overwhelmed by the standards I set for myself. (The posts were lengthy and contained too much detail.)

This time, I decided to do something that is more manageable: one Instagram post a day. This means that I am limited in how much many photos I post and how much text I write. Plus, it has the capability to post to Facebook and Tumblr at the same time. (As soon as this is blog is up to speed I'll connect it and the posts will be timelier.)

However, not all of my family or friends are on Instagram or Facebook (heck I literally downloaded Instagram because I am traveling and I'm actually a millennial) and it's important to me to be able to share this experience with all of my friends and family.

If there are a couple of things that I learned from grad school thus far (besides business concepts and skills) they are these: 1. I am only human. The last four years have been rough and I acknowledge that I've pulled back from the people that I love because I'm ashamed of not being where I want to be (toxic work environments before grad school, haven't had a full time job that paid more than living wage, generally not having a clear idea of where my life is going, let along where I'm going to live, etc.) and the reality is that I need human interaction and that can only happen if I let my walls down. Hermit-ifying myself is doing more harm than asking for help/support/having hard conversations. 2. Grad school is hard. I don't think I've ever had so many bouts of overwhelming anxiety and pressure and recognizing these feelings is a step towards gaining control of my mindset. 3. Even though there are bad days there are always good moments and they carry good energy. There are many TED talks that stress the importance of recording our lives because not only does it help us to remember things we would forget, but it maybe also inspires us (definitely me) to make sure that we try something new every day (no matter the scale) and generally find joy in unexpected places - even if we laugh at ourselves.