#itsbellsie

YEAH I'm honestly so upset that it's only ever once been a good experience like every other time its just this awful like. being wound up and frantic and just everything is Too Much. i get this like mood amnesia thing where as soon as it's gone im

itsbellsie replied to your post “itsbellsie replied to your post: maybe if we all stood in a circle and...”

like i must have made this whole thing up in my head i'm a fake mentally ill person ahahhaa

YeaH yeah.... like. i’ll think i remember part of it. “oh i wasn’t that different.” but no.... i was...... “hmm i dont think i was feeling great but it wasn’t that bad, surely.”  No. It Was. 

I have been told that I’m lucky bc my hypomania is relatively mild which is Great but like. It’s still really not fun

ITS NOT !!!! its like. sometimes i see it described as Pleasant like “oh you just feel great” and im like, well, yes, but also, in an unpleasant sort of Out Of Control Way. and it also is really weird bc i never really realize how weird i get like, internal narration wise, until i look at stuff i’ve written down during that stage (like diary/journal sort of stuff) and i go “wow.... uh. huh.” 

and also it’s like, it means that every time i think Positive Thoughts about myself like “man im a great writer. i am definitely better than [this famous well established figure from 20th century literature], haha” i have to stop and go Is This A Symptom??? (ive concluded its not a Symptom to think that im a better writer than hg wells, i feel ok saying that from an objective standpoint.) 

is this ok to reblog because !!! this

yo I feel that so hard, I don't take any literature courses or anything but I've had similar classroom experiences and it sort of wrecks my mentality for the rest of the semester/quarter

Only vaguely related, but it was really nice meeting you when you were in the bay!

Ahhhh you get withdrawal from lamictal? I've never noticed that or maybs I just attribute any weirdness to Bad Brains (TM)

itsbellsie replied to your post:cannot believe i am on this piece of shit drug...

aaaallllsooooo i hate it as a drug omg it makes me clench my teeth at night (i think? bc that dindt happen until i went to a high ish dosage?) adn such terrible dry mouth bbut i am sort of afraid of lithium for some reason

YEAH YOU (or at least I) GET WITHDRAWAL . lots of it. idk maybe i'm like, Super Affected By It specifically, but just my headaches shoot up and like today i was on half the dose only for a little while and i was disoriented and dizzy and angry and thats not all related to the drug obvs and some of its psychosomatic etc etc but it at least has me freaked enough that i think thats what happens, whether or not thinking makes it so or if its just so is sort of academic at this point. but other ppl apparently report it being pretty bad, withdrawal wise. 

i stopped taking zoloft and my dry mouth went pretty much away which was... really great... tho not all the way away, but still. mostly its just headaches! headaches and nausea probably and! who knows. its impossible to tell anymore what's a symptom of just being a human person, whats a symptom of being a Bad Brains Human Person, and whats a side effect -- and if its a side effect, from what. i guess the nice thing is, even if you cant ever get all yr medications to cancel out each others negative ramifications, you get to at least pick what part of the bad brains you want. "okay im already anxious and i have wild rapid mood swings and long depressive states --- i can belay the depression and even things out but that means i gotta give up on the anxiety, or i can get rid of the anxiety and possibly exacerbate the lethargic bits of the long slow hauls thru depression." 

i might complain about meds a lot but i mean, i am glad for them. and i really do think they help. it's like, i could have some headaches, or i could have every headache. theres no great solution but theres better ones. 

so i should try it then??

If none of my real life friends want my remaining code, I'll make a giveaway post and give you guys 24 hours to reblog the crap out of it. I'll take the names and then select a winner via random selection.