#ithadtohappen

I know I ramble way too much about my personal life on here.  If you’re having a good day today, I would skip this post.  For those who wish to read on, this is a long one.

Earlier, I was looking back through some diary entries and found one dated from just over a year ago.  Robert and I were going through a tough time, came close to breaking up.  I had written a letter I never gave him, saying I had had enough and wanted to end everything.

This wasn’t the first such thing I had written either.  Many times over the course of the last year and a half, I had my misgivings.  I refused to listen to my heart and just end it...I was ridden with guilt, fearing I would tear his life apart.  Instead, I let it drag on for over two years, a relationship built on shaky foundations and fear.  What a fool I was...the biggest shame is that Robert really was a great guy.  We just weren’t a good match.  We weren’t a good fit...

Our first Christmas together, Robert bought me a special gift: a pair of “glass” slippers.  I remember him placing them on my feet and they were a perfect fit.  It was so romantic...I promised I would wear them if we ever got married.  I was Cinderella and he was my Prince.  Now, the Prince is gone and the slippers remain.  One day, I’ll give them away to another prince so that he can give them to his princess...

Never before have I been so reluctant to move on.  I’ve broken up with men before and have moved on without fear, because that is what I wanted.  This time, I broke up because it was what I wanted, but it has left me guilt-ridden and sad.  It wasn’t supposed to end like this, but I know I deserve better.

Or do I?  This guilt is overpowering...it makes me want to throw away any chance at happiness or love just so I don’t hurt anyone else.  I’ve made many promises I couldn’t keep, stuck my neck out to make others happy and secure, taken it upon myself to be the caregiver...I have done so much, and what little I ask for isn’t reciprocated.

Maybe I’m just too complicated to be with anyone.  I feel like damaged goods, that no one can see the real me.  And the one who was willing to accept me, baggage and all, I couldn’t handle his.  I feel so awful...for better for worse.  I promised...but it was a promise I couldn’t keep.  I worked so hard to keep things together, but we kept clashing so much...now I’m working on rebuilding myself.  The perfect man does not exist, but whoever is destined for me I probably don’t deserve anyway.