PTSD hell time
does anyone else ever realize they're like. dangerously depressed, but it's...distant?
like. i'm not dissociating. but i recognized the level of depression in the same way someone might notice a bug crawling over their shoe outside---total disinterest aside from the noticing, just kinda. hm. that's there. there it is. i know what that is, and what it represents.
anyway. i'm safe and i'm doing things about this, i just. there's something that feels...idk. like maybe i should be alarmed at the complete lack of alarm at my recognition of my current state. because, yeah, i am safe and i am employing guardrails as we speak and if this goes on i'll be doing more, it's just.... the realization of, "oh, i am at a level of depression that could become actively dangerous to my health," being at the same level of emotional intensity as, "it appears the weather is unremarkable today," is so.... different than everything has been for the last. two years.
fuck it. maybe i've just hit the end of my ability to activate. wouldn't that be something. burned out entirely.
