#istwi

At some point I’d need a job, I had to be legally able to work. Which was why I found myself back to square one.  I would miss California, I would miss the golden sand beaches and I’d miss the weather. How the sun shone so brightly, how it never snowed, and wasn’t always so gloomy. But when you’ve tried and tried again? You were bound to give up at some point. Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t one for giving up.. I guess one could say they’d do some growing up at one point in their lives this? Was just that moment for me. For now anyways. I couldn’t wait for people to start talking. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and I nearly dared someone to repeat a rumor to me directly once I stepped foot out of my parents’ place back in Forks. That was one thing I wouldn’t subject myself to or take lightly, I never had.]

We had guests. #Sam and #Emily had stopped by, again to visit our bundle of joy. Out of all the Young’s I was grateful to have Emily’s presence, she had this way about her that made you feel like everything would be ok, in a motherly kind of way. It was welcome in what had become a chaotic last couple months of life.]

[[#DreamSequence My body collapses to the ground in a pile of dirt and dried up leaves. Clutching at my throat as I gasp for air my body convulses as another wave of pain wracks my body. I try screaming but nothing comes out. For the first time in my life, I feel panicked and not in control of what is going on around me. Somehow I manage to stagger to my feet and proceed to run through the woods. Each step I take the pain in my body increases. Eventually, my body goes limp and I fall again. I manage to utter one word… Quil… #EndOfDreamSequence My hands grip at my chest while I grasp for breath. I start telling myself I’m okay, and I just had another fucked-up dream. I must have had one too many drinks the night before. Gradually my breathing regulates and I open my eyes. The activities from the night before start to come back to me. Yes, I did a lot of drinking and popped a few pills that I could get my hands on. I feel a hand sliding up my thigh which reminds me I didn’t come up to my hotel room alone last night. My eyes dart to the figure lying next to me in the bed. I have to blink a few times because in the darkened room he reminds me of Quil. The brown eyes, dark hair, beard…it makes my body tremble, and I grit my teeth. The unease from the dream fades and being replaced with anger for experiencing weakness. Selecting this particular man should not have happened. I glare at the stranger as I speak to him. || “Get out.” || The man raises a brow in surprise at my abrupt tone and words. I have no idea what he was promised the night before it ends now. || “But I’m not ready to go yet.” || I sigh in irritation and slide out of the bed to walk toward the bathroom. || “ I’m going to shower. You better be fucking gone by the time I am done. I got what I wanted from you. So leave.” || I’m still shaking when I walk into the bathroom and slam the door behind me. #Matthew, #Mark, #Marcus I don’t remember his damn name doesn't matter since he hasn’t been the first man I have brought up here to help me disregard what I left behind in La Push. I never harbor regrets about leaving somewhere I have been but this damn imprint shit… I glance up at the mirror in the bathroom and frown. I look a fucking mess, and it goes deeper than my drinking binge. || “Fuck!” || I faintly hear the hotel room door open and close letting me know the random guy I fucked is gone. I step into the shower and turn it on. The water if freezing but I don’t care, it will help to clear my damn head. What I need to do is figure out my game plan to get the hell out of Washington for good. I don’t need my family, and I don’t need @AProtectiveNeed . That is what I keep telling myself anyway. ]] #End

Jacob huffed, “Alight. I just need to make a phone call.”

|| Months have gone by and I’m still here in La Push. Now I live with my Aunt and Uncle instead of my cousins. I still work at the corner market with #Brooke and her husband #Quil. /He/ is the reason why I haven’t left this damn place yet. A week after I met Quil he explained to me what he was and what his connection to me now is all because of some mystical thing that says we should be soul mates. It explained the swirl of emotions I was dealing with and why I felt such calm when #Quil was around me. According to the legends I’ve been told Quil will be whatever it is I need from him. Brother, friend, lover…but from what I’ve seen so far all the imprints are couples. How is it that this man imprinted on me and he has a wife and a baby soon to be on the way? Not that it bothers me he’s married. I have been with married men before. I have more leverage over a married man then a single one. If I steal from them who are they going to tell? It would implicate them in the process. From the moment I was let in on the Quileute secret people have been on egg shells waiting for the fallout. Why? Because once I say I want Quil for myself he’ll leave his wife for me. He won’t have a choice. The imprint will see to it. I found out in Aug about the imprint and it’s now the end of December and nothing has changed. Hmmm…That is not true. There is tension between #Brooke and #Quil but she has no idea why suddenly Quil has been pulling away from her emotionally. It appears #Brooke is not allowed to know that Quil is a wolf and has imprinted on someone that isn’t his wife. Day after day she vents to me not knowing that I’m the source of her pain. I soak it all in enjoying every moment of her torment. I like it because inadvertently it is my fault. If I hadn’t come to La Push #Quil would still love his wife and the life they have together. Instead I have him in limbo and at a loss of how all of this should or will turn out. I know all this because of the pack mind. They all know and have shared their concerns about their pack brother with Sam who has told me. According to him I should do the right thing and just let go and allow the imprint to do what it’s destined to do. He doesn’t know me very well. I do not love, care for, or sacrifice for anyone. It does not matter to me how this ordeal is killing Quil on the inside. If my aunt and uncle really knew me they would know telling me only drives me to continue this twisted game I have going on in my head. I still work at the store because it forces #Quil to have to see me almost on a daily basis and when I am not there my scent is. He has to hear his wife talk about me and how she wouldn’t know what to do if I wasn’t there to help run the store with her. I won’t let him get me out of his system. I know he watches me when he thinks I don’t know. I can feel him though. It brings a smirk on my lips to know he can’t keep away even though he wants to. We’ve talked but it’s never for long and always when people are around which means he doesn’t trust himself to be alone with me. I need to decide how far I want this game to go. It won’t take much longer before people figure out I’m a fraud and the issues I have. Not because I don’t know how to cover my tracks but I’ll get bored and not care about disguising it anymore. || #End

Jacob had woken early the next day from his phone call with Edward. Lilly Anne slept soundly next to him. He had chickened out last night at telling her the truth... Well, it was more like he couldn’t get a word in edge wise as Lilly Anne berated him for walking out as she was talking. He had that coming though. Jacob slipped out of bed and went into the bathroom to shower. The clock on the wall read seven am. He knew that going over there at this time wouldn’t wake anyone up. He wondered, however, if he should call first. Jake stepped out of the shower and heard his phone ring from the bedroom. It rang twice and the stopped. “Hello?” Lily’s voice was raspy with sleep. “Who?” Her voice started to become more clear. Jacob opened the bathroom door as her pale frame sat up in bed, a scowl plastered on her face. “Ex/cuse me?/“ who ever it was had just made Lils mad. Jacob smiled slightly as he dried off of the door way, making her scowl deepen. “No. I don’t know who this is or why you’re callen so damn early in the mornin. Whatever business you /think/ you have with my boyfriend, can wait.” She hung up without another word to who ever was on the other line. “Who in the hell is Edward? And why is he callen you?” She stood, her pale pink night gown shifting slightly so a strap fell off of her shoulder. Panic hit Jacob. “Lils. We.. we need to talk.” “Like hell we do!” She crosses her arms and shifted her stance so she was leaning to the left a little. “Who ever that guy is called five times while you were in the shower. “Lily Anne. Why don’t you let me make breakfast and then I’ll explain.” “You better make biscuits and white gravy with sausage.” ******** Lily Anne put down her fork. Jacob told her everything while he cook and she ate. He told her all about what he was, who Edward was- (but only Edward. No reason to bring up Bella or Renessme. Or even the rest of the Cullens) why Edward had called, (Jacob told her about Garret but didn’t bring up the others. Some things could wait) and why it was important that Jacob be there. She picked up her coffee cup and took a drink. Lily Anne hadn’t said a word the whole time. She did don’t even look at Jacob while he spoke. “So,” she spoke finally putting her cup down. It was a gift from Jacob to her for her birthday. It was pink with white poke-a-dots that read ‘I AM the Princess in this house’ in black bubble letters. “where do I fit in all of this? ‘Cause it sounds like you got your whole life all mapped out, mister.” She only said ‘mister’ when she was truly annoyed with Jacob. It made his heart sink to hear her say that. Before finding out his one true heart had come home, Jacob was ready to throw it all away and pop the question. And that was just yesterday. But now, knowing she’s come home, Jacob didn’t have an answer. “Three years is a long for humans to be together.” Lily Anne finally looked up at Jacob. Her eyes hooded and hidden slightly from her eyelids and long lashes. It was a loom Jacob couldn’t remember ever getting from her. It made his heart jump slightly. Could he put Renessme behind him and settle for Lily Anne? Was that even possible? The stories about having an imprint said that a wolf only had one because their imprint is the person to best carry along the wolf gene. And as Alpha, that was Jacob’s duty.. His mind swirled with all of these thoughts, they clouded his vision until Lily Ann touched his hand. “Jacob, go do what you need to. I’ll still be here when you come home.” He stood and she followed his movements. Jacob took her in his arms and kissed her, really kissed her. Like that day years ago the last time he saw Renessme. He knew Lily Anne was genuine with her feelings. But what about his own feelings? As Jacob pulled away, Lily Anne smiled slightly, her eyes still closed from their kiss. “I’ll still be here Jake.” She opened her eyes slowly to touch his face. He smiled back and put a hand over hers. “I’ll come back to you.” His words felt like a promise he knew he couldn’t keep.

Leaning on the side of me, I push the button to pop the trunk. I have a blanket in there I can sit on. I'm not a fan of getting a bunch of sand all over me. I get out of the car and close the door with my hip. There is a nice breeze hitting my face as I walk to the back of my car and pull up the trunk to pull out the small blanket I have there. After pulling it out, I close it and try to decide where I'm going to sit. There are a significant amount of people here so it's not as if I have the beach to myself. I see a patch of sand that will do and that is where I walk to. I spread out my blanket and step out of my flip-flops before sitting down. I pull my legs up to my chest and wrap my arms around them. I'm transfixed by the sound of the waves crashing to shore. I feel a prickly sensation on the back of my neck and I shiver. It feels as if my heart skips a beat then takes on a different rhythm and the ongoing pain I've been feeling in the middle of my chest fades somewhat. Maybe this is what I needed all along...some fresh air and time to gather my thoughts. Maybe being here in this place where my mother was known and loved is to much for me to deal with.|| " Claire?..." || Fuck...my eyes flutter closed as a sense of peace comes over me. That voice...oh my God..hearing it makes me feel so damn good. I turn my head to look over my shoulder and there in the flesh is the man I've been dreaming about, #Brooke's husband, #Quil...]]

[[ I ended up staying with my aunt and uncle late into the night. After my emotional breakdown, I couldn't do anything but sit huddled in the corner of the couch trapped in a feeling of despair. I wasn't used to experiencing so fucking much emotion. It's as if someone had the key and unlocked a door that held it at bay all the years of my life. It was causing me physical pain all over my body. One of my cousins ended up coming to get me. He literally has to carry me out of my aunt and uncle's house into his car and the same once we got home and into the house. When I woke up this morning from my restless sleep, I was told my cousin called #Brooke and told her I'd come down with something and couldn't come into work. Throughout the night I kept dreaming about Brooke's husband #Quil. Everytime I looked into his eyes it's as if I could see into his soul. Each time I woke up feeling as if I was missing something I need to keep myself from falling apart. I was fine until I yesterday. I wondered if I was having a bad trip from some drugs but I haven't done any recently. It takes a lot of effort to get out the bed and shower. It does nothing to help shake off this largic feeling I have. I'm not interested in eating either. What I want to do is punch my cousin in her face because she keeps staring at me and asking if I'm okay. No, I'm not fucking okay but I'm not telling her shit. It's bad enough I fell apart in front of my aunt and uncle. Once I can't stand being stared at anymore I tell my cousin I need to get some fresh air and will be at First Beach. Before she can try to invite herself to come with me, I leave the house and hop into the car. I look around because it feels as if someone is watching me. Again, I feel a pang of sorrow and it causes me to grip onto the steering wheel. || " What the fuck is this!" || Okay now I'm starting to yell random shit at myself and it bothers me. I'm normally composed even if some of my actions can be impulsive at times. Maybe I'm coming down with something. Yah maybe it's a case of " The need to get the fuck out of La Push syndrome." ]]