#isolatedsystem04transitionjournal

This past week I've felt a duality of feelings regarding where I am in my transition. I'm so grateful for the progress I've made, but it has also made me uncomfortably aware of how far I am from my ideal self.

On one hand I've been out to an accepting family for over a month, but on the other hand I'm still too bashful and low-confidence to wear anything feminine around them.

I'm happy with my softening skin, and myriad of positive mental changes on HRT. But I have also been mourning the fact that I've lost control of my weight ever since adulthood, and now have LOTS of body fat that triggers my dysphoria, kills my confidence, and will take much time to lose. It seriously sucks to see how bloated and awkward I feel in my boymode for work everyday...

This mourning goes double for my scalp hair. I've done a great job keeping it healthy, but I've lost a lot of it despite my young age, and it's gonna be a looooong fight getting it back. I'm not really sure how to cope with it in the mean time if I'm being honest.

One month of HRT that's right boom babey.

I can confidently say that a few physical changes have began to occur. My skin is feeling smoother and more sensitive, my face/body hair growth is slowing somewhat, and yesterday morning my chest began to feel sore. Go me!

Progress is also being made in my social transition. I wore my comfy girl clothes at a friend's house, and have been dressing fem at therapy appointments. I'm still too shy to do anything beyond that though. But people have been supportive and encouraging about the steps I've taken.

Mentally I have been getting accustomed to new, more complex emotional needs. I no longer chronically disassociate, and spend more time in the real world than inside my head. It's much better this way, but I find myself needing more things from the real world as a result. I desire MUCH more quality time with friends, I whine at little inconveniences, being hungry is intolerable, and I can't get the idea of a sleepover out of my head despite being a whole 24 years old. It's honestly very strange to adjust to. I did NOT have this personality circa 2022. That was a different fucking guy. That was a fucking guy lmao.

Last week, on the two week mark, I said the T in HRT stands for two.

But I just thought of an even crazier idea...

Week 3 has mostly been the mood swings leveling out. I think I'm starting to inch towards my "New Emotional Normal". No physical feelings/changes yet. Maybe it's clearing up my skin, but I moisturize regularly now so the data is muddled there.

I've also been doing a teensy bit of social transition. I went to a transfem board game night. It was aight. I'm still trying to find a niche in the transfem community that I can really vibe with. I'm gonna try to find stuff adjacent to wargaming now, since I like painting the minis.

Two weeks HRT that's what the T stands for it stands for two.

I am very sleepy while writing this.

The spironolactone is KILLING my ability to stay awake for too long. I'm going to bed two hours early tonight I am so sleepy. But also being sleepy feels good now. It's not "oh shit I'm tired did I do everything today?", now it's like "whoaaah going to bed would be awesome :)".

Mood swings are stabilizing that's been a big relief. At the very least all moods have been elevated. It still swings ,just from "great > icky" and not "Good > I am wretched and everyone knows it".