Islam has been, for the most part, a pain in my life. It has brought me a lot of pain, confusion, guilt, and internal conflict, it has also ruined my relationships with people who consider themselves better Muslims and are here to force me into becoming their version of Islam. They represented Islam to me, so I hate them both.
I walked away from Islam gradually, the separation was like when a relationship goes stale and you feel you need to pull yourself into yourself. Part of me still can't believe my audacity, how much of a non-believer I am. My family could never imagine.
Then when I thought I reached my furthest point, and finally started to connect with a higher power(s) in a more genuine way, I was flabbergasted to find it.
That book, that gave me so many sleepless nights, that formed the ideals of the Shari'a law, is now I discover is a book of magic. Pure magic... the Arabic language and its letters hold secrets that I feel blessed for the first time probably to be an Afro-Arab. I've always shunned the Arabic side of my identity but never failed to mention the African side. Now I realize how lucky and blessed I am. I've been scouring Youtube for months, for love potions and protection spells and I have just found out that the secret to everything is that book, that I've only brought it to my home here in Canada, because it was all pink, so I consider it an art piece and a souvenir from Egypt.
I am going back to Islam. Who would've thought... the religion that everyone in my new life knows that I despise. The mention of Islam makes me shudder sometimes... all I can think of is women, who are a version of me being lashed for doing something I did myself so many times. The only difference is that I never got caught.
The Quran is a book of magic...literally.
To go through the journey of Islam once more, but this time making my own path is both frightening and exhilarating. But that's where the road has led me, so I will keep going.
12.11.21
