#irar guide

It was such a small thing, that set you off.

"Guppy, did you clean your room like you said you would?"

Being back "home" was surreal. You didn't even remember where each room was. After so many years of hard frozen brick the softness of the pillows and blankets and carpets and wallpapers felt wrong. This place had stayed the same, but you'd changed.

One thing about you had apparently stayed the same, though. Promises you can't keep.

"...Well, it's Bonnie's room, so I don't have to," you say rebelliously.

Nille's face twitches for just a second. You can tell that statament bothers her for a lot of reasons. "You and--you two agreed to take turns," Nille admonishes.

You feel your tail spark with frustration. You kind of think it's neat having a tail sometimes, but right now it just pushes you deeper into distress. "I shouldn't HAVE TO!" Your voice raises and trembles.

"Oh boy, here we go," you hear Nille mutter.

"HEY!" You're so mad. How dare she talk about you like you're not even here? "SHUT UP!"

"Guppy, you're upset, I need you to take a deep breath with--"

"NO! NO, I'M NOT UPSET! I JUST DON'T WANT TO CLEAN MY STUPID ROOM, STUPID!" Your eyes fill with tears. You don't think she's stupid, she's wonderful. What's wrong with her? Why are you so dumb?

Nille looks hurt for a second. You hurt her. "Bonnie, please--" And then she gasps, clapping her hands over her mouth.

Bonnie. It rings through your ears. The world grows fuzzy around you. Bonnie, Bonnie, Bonnie. You feel nothing, no connection to your body. Bonnie Bonnie Bonnie Bonnie Bonnie BONNIE--

She takes a step toward you, and you turn around and flee.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Nille knocks on the door to the room you usually share with Bonnie. "Guppy, sweetheart, please talk to me," she pleads.

You open the door. You can't look at her face, so you just stare at her shoulder and remember the time you were nine and she wrenched it working at the smithy. What a different person you were, then.

Nille walks in. She opens her mouth to say something, and then sees the tote bag on your bed, along with the clothes, the toothbrush, the comic books...

"I'm running away to the House of Bambouche," you tell her. "And if you try to stop me, I'll get an at-tor-knee."

Nille stays very quiet for a few moments. You soothe your wild, flailing guilt by reminding yourself that this is the last time this has to happen. You're obviously not capable of doing anything but making everyone get hurt so long as you're here. This is the only choice. And you have to do it now, while Bonnie is at school, so they can't make you stop.

Finally, she says, "Guppy, I love you--"

"Don't you get it!?" Your anger arcs like a sword. "NOTHING YOU SAY IS GOING TO MAKE ME STAY, PETRONILLE!!!"

Moments pass as you let that decree settle. Finally, sounding exhausted and defeated, she says, "If I really can't stop you, at least let me help you pack. You don't have everything you need."

...It's true you forget stuff a lot. At least, the old you did. Once you went on a sleepover and forgot your pajamas. Besides, you guess maybe this can be closure for her. "Okay, fine," you mutter your agreement.

The two of you get to work. Nille grabs snacks for if you want a taste of home. Lets you have Bonnie's roller skates for if you want to travel quicker. Reminds you to pack floss. You try to shove things into your pack, but she stops you. "Pack heavy things at the bottom," she tells you. "It helps because of...weight distribution."

For a while as you work together, it's almost peaceful. Like you're just...leaving for summer camp. You can't quite imagine yourself going to summer camp or being a normal kid, though. You're crabbed up and you know it, but somehow right now it feels okay to just let yourself be that. If it weren't for the grief tearing you up, you'd feel okay, you think.

But at last, the final page is turned, the final oddity stuffed into the tote bag, and it's time to go. Nille doesn't try one last time. She just watches, gaze flitting between you and the bag quickly.

Part of you wants her to scream and cry and beg you to stay. But.

But you don't want to see her hurting.

You grasp the straps of the tote bag and lift it up.

...?

You grasp the straps, and--

You can't lift it. You can't--what?

You remember Nille telling you to pack heavy things at the bottom. Your heart does a flip and you turn to face her. "You...made it...too heavy...on purpose," you say slowly.

Nille just nods.

"You know you didn't stop me, right? I can just--I can just take the stuff out!"

"Are you going to?" Nille asks quietly.

... "No." You admit that and every bit of meanness and strength leaves you. You wail and fall to your knees, but before they can hit the carpet Nille catches you in a tight hug and whispers comforting words. You scream and sob and wrap your arms and your tail around her.

"I hate feeling like this," you cry.

"I know. I hate you have to feel like this, too. But I'm not giving up on you, Guppy. Okay?" She pulls away and you whimper, but she just did it so she could hold your face and press your foreheads together. "Not if you lose your temper, not if you change even more, no matter what you've been through, you're precious to me. Got it?"

You nod, heart bursting in your chest, and maybe you don't have one but that's how it feels anyway, and she hugs you again, and you feel her shaking. "I'm...so relieved that worked," she admits breathlessly. You feel hot tears land on your head.

Both of you still reeling from fear and guilt and sadness, the two of you sit down on the bed and cling to each other, humming a tune the fishermen use to keep time, until Bonnie comes home.