#ipposendou

And I left. Packed as much as I could, since I didn’t know when I’d be back, took the first flight, and the train, and I was there the next day.

You would think I was the Buddha himself, the way Ma Makunouchi looked at me when I got there. Hell, she already had a room set up for me where they normally kept fishin’ gear. I wasn’t gonna say that I would probably be in Ippo’s room a lot, but…

I asked where he was and she said he was sleepin,’ ‘cause he did sleep an awful lot when he took one particular med. I probably got everything unpacked before she went out grocery shoppin’ and I finally let myself into his room. I laid down next to his futon, and he didn’t even stir. It was crazy. I had probably been there five hours, and I wasn’t bein’ loud on purpose but I ain’t good at bein’ quiet.

Finally he wakes up, and he blinks at me, and holy shit, he just launches himself at me. He does that sweet goofy squeal of his, all, “Sendo-saaaaaan!” and he’s huggin’ and kissin’ me and I’m like...this is my boy, ya know? This is Ippo, he hasn’t changed, this is gonna be fine.

...fuck, man. It was...just...it got hard, okay? 

Because the next morning, maybe two days after that, he gets up, gets his sweats on and all, and I think… okay, maybe he’s going for a run. But then he looks at me, big and bright and smiling. “You’re going to help me get back into the gym, right?”

I got all queasy. Not good. I tried to kind of laugh. “What? Nah. Ippo, ya can’t go back to the gym yet...I can’t give ya a doctor’s note, ya know?”

And he got...really mad. Like, madder than I ever seen him. He starts stormin’ around, even knocks over this stack of magazine. “I thought you wanted to help me!”

I’m all, “‘Course I do. Babe, I’m here, it’s gonna be okay.”

“What are you going to do, then? Just sit inside here and babysit me when my mom’s not around. Is that why she called you?”

I...I fuckin’ blanked out. What was I supposed to say to that? I tried to give him a hug, but he shoved me and stormed off. Down to the beach. And I sat there and stared at him, because he just went down there and sat, and I didn’t know what to do. I felt so damn powerless. And I don’t...I’m...I’m not used to feeling like that.

He came back a bit later, and honestly it was worse, because I was watchin’ TV, trying not to think, and he busts in sobbing. And he wraps his arms around me, and he’s cryin,’ and he’s beggin’ me not to leave, that he’s sorry, that he doesn’t know what happened. And I tell him, “I ain’t leavin,’ okay? Don’t cry, Ippo. S’okay. I know it ain’t your fault.”

He takes the meds and goes back to sleep for, like, hours and hours. I just sat there with him. Think I read five books, and I ain’t exactly a readin’ type.

That next week, we did some other stuff, and it was good, ya know? We did couple-y shit. Went out to movies and had some food. We did all this touristy shit that Ippo had never actually done, ‘cause with his ma always workin’ and whatnot, and not havin’ his dad there, all he did was school before boxin.’

We, uh...listen, we’re all adults here, so I think I can tell ya that we tried to be...ya know...intimate, yeah? But the meds...fuck, he got so upset because he couldn’t really...um...we just couldn’t do it like we used to, ya know? And I remember this one night, he looked up at me all pouty - I felt so bad, because I knew he was upset, but he was fuckin’ adorable - and went, “Is it okay? Do you not want to be with me anymore? If I can’t do it with you?”

I gave him the biggest hug, and we just stayed there like that in the futon, with me strokin’ his hair and rubbin’ his back. Kissin’ him. Holdin’ him. Tellin’ him how I didn’t care about that shit, that it was fine, that it would get better and that we could try as much as he wanted, and we’d have all the other stuff, and I think I told him a hundred times that it didn’t matter to me.

Heh...then he really gave me a punch when I told him that his ma would probably be relieved we were keepin’ our hands to ourselves.

So.

They kept changin’ his meds. They’d get him into different therapies, and there were all these pills and brain scans and shit. And they said it was helping, that he was getting better, overall, but that it would still be a long road.

He continued askin,’ every time, to every person who would see him, “Can I box again?”

And they tell him not yet. Every time, and he’s just. A mess. Goes home to the beach and cries and I’d sit by him, and I’d tell him I was there, and he’d just...look at me. And I could tell he wasn’t sayin’ it, except with his eyes, that it wasn’t enough, that there was nothin’ I could do.

There was one pill they gave him that got him real fuzzy, and I...that was the worst, I think. Other than what came later.

He was in this fog, and shaky, and I found him outside staring at the leaves as they were falling. He was trying to catch them. Nothin’ crazy, just...reachin’ out for them, and he’d overshoot, or he’d come up short. And I come out there and I ask him, “Whatcha doin,’ Ippo?”

And he looks at me. Looks at me like he doesn’t quite know it’s me, and I can’t tell ya how I nearly fell over when he said, “Oh, Sendo...I...I thought if I...caught enough, they might tell me I could come back.”

I went out drinking that night. Alone. After he was asleep, and his mom was asleep, I just. Went down to this bar I knew was open and I started drinking. And I started doing that a couple of nights a week. And then it became most nights a week.

He caught me, though. Once. And once was enough, because he thought I was… thought I was seein’ someone, and he was so...him about it. “I get it! We’re young, right? It makes sense! You just do what you need to. I love you, Sendo.”

It hurt so fucking bad, because he kept sayin’ it. Sendo. Sendo. He never called me Takeshi anymore, and it killed me.

“There ain’t nobody else,” I tell him, shaking him a little, because I was still tipsy. “There ain’t never gonna be nobody else but you, hear me?”

He goes, “You don’t have to tell me…”

I yelled at him and said there was nothin’ to tell, and I said I was at the bar, and that...I wonder if that was worse. He got real quiet, and I felt like such a shithead, like I was wasting this one fucking lucid moment. And he said, so damn sad, so defeated. “Because of me.”

I...don’t really remember how the rest of that night went. The conversation kinda died. But I did stop goin’ to the bar mostly. Which was rough at first. I was sick. 

And then there was the night of the storm. I just...I remember everythin’ about that night. It had been cool all day, and we could see the clouds roll in by the evening. His ma made Ippo’s favorites, because whenever he asked for ‘em, she did. He seemed real, real good. We were talkin.’ It was nice. 

We went to bed early. He was tired, and after dinner he had gotten kinda low on mental energy too. We fell asleep together, and after a little bit, the storm hit. Usually I can sleep right through that shit, but that night...I woke up. I’m fucking glad because I always feel like I’m gonna throw up when I think, what if I didn’t?

Ippo was gone. I look all around the house, everywhere. I don’t wake up his ma yet. Don’t wanna panic her.

But I get outside, and I just make him out, since the big light stays on outside. 

He’s on the boat.

He’s standin’ there, swayin.’ Hell, he looks half-asleep himself, and he’s goin’ through all these motions: liftin’ anchor, headin’ to the ropes, and the whole boat is rockin.’ And I call out to him, and he looks up at me.

And I see him fall.

I know...what happened, after that, in a general sense. But at the time, it was like I was seein’ it all from a camera on the back of my head. I ran and jumped over the side, into the water. I feel it pulling me, and I fight it, choking. And somehow, Ippo is floating, and I grab his shirt, and I start swimming. As hard as I can, rain pourin’ down into my eyes with the seawater, and eventually there’s just...it gets more shallow, and I’m crawlin’ on all fours onto the beach. 

The only reason I can see him is because of the lightning. It’s so wild, and real, and he’s blinking up at me, right before I hurl an entire fuckin’ ocean amount of saltwater. And I yell, I’m like, “What were ya thinkin’?! What were ya gonna do, huh? Were ya gonna just go?!”

“I...I don’t know. I don’t…” His face gets all screwed up and he’s crying. “I don’t know...I don’t remember…”

We don’t get up and go until the storm stops, and we track in all this mud and sand. I remember bein’ at such a loss over everything that that makes me feel the guiltiest. That we’re messin’ up his ma’s place.

I get him in the shower...we’re in the shower together...and he says to me, and it ain’t the first time, but it is different, he says, “I really...I really need your help, Takeshi.”

And I hold him so tight, and I tell him I ain’t goin’ nowhere. Not now. Not ever. 

...and that was last week, so…

I guess that’s how I’m doing.

---

Six months later:

“How was group?”

He’s waiting outside with a bag of the candy Sendo likes. He smiles his dopey Makunouchi smile, and Sendo kisses him before he answers, “It was all right. How was therapy?”

“It was good. I like this new one. She listens, and she’s given me a few new things to do without messing with my medication. And they said I could start running again, along with the thirty minutes a day.”

“Hey! That’s great, babe.” He picks up his hand and kisses that too. He nuzzles the ring on his finger, rubs his palm. “We can get back into it tomorrow, if ya want?”

He smiles. “Yeah. Yeah, I do. It’s been a while. And I thought maybe we could see if the guys want to do karaoke?”

“Oh god.” Sendo groans, taking one of the candies out. “They’re just gonna wanna do that one obnoxious song over and over…” He eats it, and then fishes out another and feeds it to him. He blushes. God, he’s cute.

“But that’s okay, right?” He rubs up against his side until Sendo puts an arm around him. “You don’t mind?”