#intense shit

laying on side with eyes open (looking at the air): stomach hurts or u just got done sobbing ur eyes out

laying on back with eyes open (looking at the ceiling): thought daughter something is plaguing u

 🌎  New RHODON page!!  💫

Rhodon is a partly animated LGBT space comic! 👽

Updates Sat. 12am UTC          Comic Trailer

Read   Tumblr⎢Tapas⎢Webtoons

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3 Part 4

Note : This will get very intense if what i am planning gets on here exactly like that. Omg . 

Please do not hesitate to stop reading if you feel triggered :) 

Word Count : I think almost 2000 ? Who cares :P

When jiwon came back with 2 big bottles full with fuel, Hanbin understood what the boy had planned and it had nothing to do with the police but everything with trouble. He wanted to tell Jiwon that he should stop, wanted to be selfless just this one time but hanbin rarely was selfless when it came to his best friend.

He was selfish for having thoughts about him, for looking at him more than he should be, for lying to him and especially for loving him. He shouldn't and didn't want to love him. But he just did, because it was easy to fall for Jiwons smile, rough hands that were the most gentle when he held hanbin. He loved him despite Jiwon having a girlfriend, despite Jiwon having those posters of half naked girls on his walls and despite jiwon not being able to love Hanbin like hanbin loved him.

Jiwon kneelt down in front of Hanbin, looking a lot calmer now that some time had gone by. “ Hanbin now i need you to remember if you touched anything in this house today.”

So hanbin told him, where his fingers had been and it had been in a lot of places but not were it supposed to be. It wasn't on Jiwon and he knew that even if Jiwon miricously turned gay, he couldn't place his fingers on his best friend anymore, trace his face until it landed on the little scar on his forehead. His hands were dirty and would never be clean again, never be innocent enough to show the love Jiwon deserved.

Jiwon took some wet wipes and cleaned everywhere hanbin supposedly had touched, praying that it would be enough to make Hanbin look innocent. Then he went to the kitchen and made sure to turn on the kitchen stove.

“Can you stand up ?” Jiwon asked him, holding his hands out for hanbin to grab his. Hanbin nodded , taking Jiwons hand in his.

Jiwon helped hanbin to get into his Car. “Wait for me here. I will be back in a few minutes, okay ? “ Hanbin nodded, again. Hanbin felt far away from reality, like he was dreaming and it was funny because it was such a beautiful nightmare.

Jiwon came back after 10 minutes and immediately started the car after handing hanbin some of his clothes and a little pendant Hanbin had since he was 4. The one his mom gave. He wanted to cry but he couldn’t.It was the first time Hanbin was glad his mother wasn't around anymore.

She would have hated her son who had become a murderer.

Jiwon didn't drive home, instead he drove to the han river. “Give me your phone Hanbin” Jiwon demanded and Hanbin did. Jiwon got out of the car and started smashing the phone before he threw it into the river. After that Jiwon finally took them home. He brought hanbin to the bathroom and started to undress him while hot water was filling the tub.

He helped hanbin to get into the tub. He took Hanbins favourite shampoo from the shelf, and started to pour it down and massage  hanbins scalp with his fingers gently. Hanbin was scared that Jiwon already started to hate him, started to think that hanbin was a monster for killing his own father. Hanbin was scared to lose the only tree that was helping him not to drown.

He was that 5 year old boy again, who wanted to beg his mother not to leave him behind. But he couldn't speak, couldn't tell her that he needed her, that he was scared of his dad when they were alone. He couldn't utter the words he wanted to say the most. Save me, please.

Jiwons hands were gentle while cleaning Hanbins skin and hanbin wanted to tell him to rub harder on his skin, to make sure that the dirt would come off. He was sick of feeling worthless and dirty most of the time of his life.

Hanbin was sick of being weak, sick of being himself. And he was the 5 year old again, who hated his dad and the priest and the church because they wanted to “play games” with him. Then hanbin turned 7, the first time he had hit a boy because he couldn't contain his anger anymore. He had been angry at the world, at his mother, at his dad, at that priest and especially at himself. His dad wasn't angry at hanbin, when they sat down in the Car. Instead he had that disgusting smile on his face and hanbin knew that his dad would hurt him in worse ways at home. Hanbin was 11, the first time he ran away with Jiwon from home. Jiwon was sick of his forster parents and Hanbin was sick of his life.  It took the police 15 hours to find the 2 children, in front off a supermarket trying to steal a small oreo package. He cried while the police drove both of them home and begged the police officers to not bring him to that house. The police laughed it off. Who would believe a 11 year old boy? Jiwon held hanbins hand that day, glaring at the officers. Hanbin had stopped calling his fathers house, home that day. His home was Jiwon alone.

Hanbin was 15, when he came home one day and saw his dad and a women shouting at each other. He called her a worthless hoe and she pushed him onto the ground, telling him that she could understand why his wife left his sorry ass. Hanbin found out that day, that his mother didn't die. She ran away from his dad.

Hanbin was sick of everybody, including his mother and himself. Only Jiwon was an exception. Jiwon was the only one. He could never be sick of the way Jiwon smiled, his teeth slightly showing and his eyes, lighting up with the purity and love, his strong arms wrapping around hanbins weak shoulders and hanbin had realised something terrefiyng when he was 16, something he became ashamed of when he saw how Jiwon held the hand of his first girlfriend tightly.

Hanbin´s heart was speeding up when he was looking at his best friend and it was terrifiyng because Hanbin had been hurt by a lot of people, but Jiwon was literally holding the pieces of Hanbins heart between his hands and Jiwon would never hurt him intentionally but he has the tendency to be clumsy with words or the way he behaves when he is drunk or sober in fact and Jiwon had also never confessed that he liked boys, like he liked girls.

Still, Jiwon was Jiwon and even if he trampeled onto hanbins heart, Hanbin would still stay.

Because before jiwon became a crush, Jiwon was his best friend.

“Come on, lets dry you up buddy” Jiwon said putting his hands between hanbins  shoulders.

Jiwon took the towel from his shelf and dried hanbin´s wet skin slowly until he ruffled his hair. “You can wear my clothes, okay ? “

Hanbin didn't give Jiwon any reaction, so Jiwon took his hand and brought him to his room. He took one of his sweatshirts and jogging pants and also gave Hanbin one of his favourite underwear. He helped Hanbin dress slowly, and then brought a pill and water “It will help you to sleep” Jiwon had promised. After Jiwon put hanbin to bed, darkness overcame him.

He wasn't sleeping, but he also wasn't awake.

When he came back to his senses, he heard the door closing slowly behind. Hanbins eyes fluttered open slowly, his head ached terribly and for a moment he thought that all of it must have been a nightmare. But when he realised that he wasn't sleeping in his own bed, but Jiwons he remembered it all.

And maybe he would have cried, his body would shake with fear and shame if he wouldn't have taken whatever shit dulling medicine jiwon had given him. But whatever he took, it gave him a feeling of numbness and made him feel tiered and his body weak.

He slowly stood up to go to the bathroom, but when he arrived in front of the door, he halted.

Jiwon was speaking to somebody “ You would do me a huge favour Mino. Yeah, i will pay you back. You know me. Thanks man! See you.”

“Who was that ?” Hanbins voice was raw and jiwon jumped, laughing nervously. “ Someone who will take over my shift. “

Hanbin didn't  believe him , but he wasn't  in the position to not do so. Jiwon´s phone buzzed seconds after and jiwon took his phone out to check who it was and Hanbin loved to see how concentrated Jiwon always looked while he was typing back to someone.

“You can go to work you know” Hanbin told him, but jiwon just shook his head “ I don't want to.” and hanbin knew the underlying meaning of I don't want to, knew that it meant I don't want to leave you here, while you are miserable.  And he didn't  insist on Jiwon going to work. Because he was miserable.

“I made us breakfast. Lets eat Hanbin.” Jiwon looked up from his phone, pushing it back into his pocket.

“I am not really hungry” hanbin declared looking down.

“I know, but I am and I need you to eat for me.” Jiwon took Hanbin´s hand slowly to drag him to the small table in his small kitchen but his phone buzzed again and he let go of the boy, to look at his new arrived whatsapp message. His eyes quickly shifted to hanbin and then back to his phone, but he didn't brother to type back this time, stuffing the phone away a second time in probably 3 minutes.

“Lets go eat okay ? For me please“ Jiwon whined, taking Hanbin´s hand and hanbin let himself be dragged into the small kitchen, curious but not questioning how Jiwon could still behave so normal.

“I made us boiled eggs and we have bread too. “ Jiwon declared, sounding overly excited which was basically just being fake on Jiwons part.

Hanbin nodded, looking at the table with nothing much but there was Jiwons care and love. And that was what made the food priceless. Hanbin was forcing down the food for Jiwon and he would do it for no one else. Jiwon patienty waited for hanbin to eat. After he ate, Jiwon announced that they had to go to the police this afternoon. Hanbin felt his stomach turning into a mess, not wanting to accept the food while his mind screamed murder over and over again. “ I cant Jiwon.” he desperately was searching for answers in Jiwons eyes.

“Listen, they don't know it was us.” Jiwon said “but we need to go to give a statement or they will think that we are running away. “

And it was plausible. It made sense, but Jiwon was not the only one who was afraid.   Hanbin stood up, knocking the chair down and Jiwon also followed him quickly. “They will know Jiwon” hanbin screamed entering the living room. “ That I am a fucking murderer and that you helped me”

Hanbin throws the small pillows on Jiwons couch and he would have thrown more things if there would have been and Jiwon would have laughed if he wouldn't have known the Context of the Situation. So he back hugs him instead, trying to calm him down“They wont Hanbin, I promise you. I will protect you.“ Jiwon really wants to believe in his own words. He will protect Hanbin no matter what.