#insomniaaa

I can't sleep. While I drown myself in the light that my cellphone screen emits in hopes of making me a little bit more sleepy, your subconscious created by the figments of my own imagination and the memories we've built together peeks through the blue light and replaces it with a much warmer, brighter form of light that shines out of the pitch black background. It's dazzling bright yet it doesn't blind. I gaze at the darkness and everywhere my mind projected our times together. I see the imaginary version of yourself clearly even with my eyes closed. It defeats the action of putting me to sleep, making me wide awake more than ever.

I can't sleep. A fraction of a millisecond that flashes an outline of your image out of nowhere into my head is enough to put me in a state of trance. A state where a faint memory of you lead my thoughts to snowball down a deeper hill that is my mind, making me remember perfectly the details of our moments together. From the placement of our hands every time we hugged each other down to the sweat that dripped down your forehead to your cheeks to your chin, that one time we went for a walk under the scorching sun, while we held hands. You occupy my thoughts whenever my eyes are open, and in the time that they must close, you occupy them still.

I can't sleep. It is like my brain has been programmed to recall the image of you. To crack a smile whenever I do. Not letting me forget. And when I do, it finds ways to make me remember you. I have thought of you countless amount of times, on random occasions, to the point where I memorized everything about you just from the visions that my head has created. The picture of your shadow next to mine, the shape of your moles on your face and on your chest. Your deep laugh that is so contagious that I suddenly find myself laughing too. Your perfect teeth that makes your smile the most beautiful of them all. The way you cover your face when I get lost in your eyes. Our difference in height. The scar on your left knee. Your baby cheeks. How you like to wrap your arms around mine instead of holding hands. Although I like it more when we hold hands but I just let you be since it is what makes you happy. The way you talk in your sleep after a long day. The smell of your hair every time we embraced each other. The way you eat your favorite food. The way you smell great even when drenched in sweat. Your laughing face, your serious face, and the face you make when you cry. The thing you do with your eyes when you get moody, and all the other little things that makes you "you." I know for a fact that there are multiple versions of ourselves in the minds of the people that know us. But the version of "you" that lives in my head rent-free, is the version that doesn't let me fall asleep.

I can't sleep. Your ghost haunts the four corners of every enclosed space I step into. I was ecstatic for having someone as precious as you disturb my peace. Peace that bore me to death until your noise. You came crashing down on my ordinary. You brought comforting discord which to me was a melody like no other. I was captured by how you conducted harmonies into my monophonic scores. But for every song that has an end, every note that has a rest, all genre of music has an end. The only thing you left me with now was a requiem—the pain of missing you. And also the grief of letting you go. We have built so much, created inimitable times of you and me, but for everything that has a beginning, is bound to have an inevitable end. Even the universe that shall expand for eons will surely collapse into nothingness long after extinction. You filled my prayers as if you were the only necessity in life. Now, I am over here helpless trying to fill this cavernous pit in my heart of what used to be capable of deeper love. I was fine with losing just sleep, so long as I have you. I sit in silence as my thoughts rampage into chaos. I am yet again to learn the basic concept of human rest until I learn how to forget your sound.