#inseminoid

Jessie & the Eels / Inseminoid

Moon Myst Music

Despite the all-timer title and pretty sweet poster art, Inseminoid turns out to be far more in line with its original title, Horror Planet. It's dull, dull, dull, with a bunch of indistinguishable British actors playing astronauts. One of them is inseminated by an alien and then goes around killing the others (although there's a tangent about another crew member going crazy in a non-preggers manner. Life's a rich tapestry et al et al).

What all of this means is you get very little creature in this creature feature, just a bird with a beachball stuffed under her (cozy-looking) jumper. As one character opines, an expectant mother isn't the most terrifying threat, game as the actress is.

And for a movie called Inseminoid, it's almost tasteful, leaving the birth largely off-screen and rendering the rape as a hallucinogenic ob/gyn examination. It all reminds one of a Doctor Who episode where Jon Pertwee was too smart to show up for work.

Creepozoids isn't good by any means, but it is at least so bad it's good. Directed by gay porn/Lifetime Original Movie (!) auteur David DeCoteau, Creepozoids is about deserters from a post-apocalyptic war, fleeing from mutants and other such budget-straining threats to take shelter in an abandoned warehouse, I MEAN, government/military/corporate experiment site gone wrong. Mad scientists have been trying to find out how to genetically modify humans not to need food (you'd think DOGE would get on that kind of USAID malarkey) and the results are more or less a chubby Uncle Xenomorph.

You get a lot of bang for your B-movie buck here, with some nudity from the always-reliable Linnea Quigley, plenty of hilariously unconvincing monsters, and a svelte 70-minute runtime (easy to keep from bloating up your movie when you barely even bother with an ending).

Every character is less 'grizzled post-apocalyptic survivor' than 'cowardly and incompetent sorority girl'. Even the guys just stand back and scream when the monster has someone in a clinch! No wonder these guys deserted their unit; I can only imagine the mass pants-shittification that would go down if they got shot at instead of being thrown into cardboard boxes repeatedly.

And speaking of gay porn, this is one monster who won't be doing any Inseminoiding. He seems set on killing the girls and then spraying the guys' faces with his slime.