#inner qualities

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/radiate/

At the recent Feathered Seer weekend, my friend, Dean, and I were asked, by Sue Vincent and Stuart France, to play the parts of the Lore Keepers.

I have already written a post about this part of the ritual drama and do not intend to go over old ground.

No, my intention is to show, most graphically, one aspect of the ability to radiate, in this case…

After taking my first breath of the day, I find myself feeling anxious for the long day ahead.  I have to take on several roles throughout the day, I ask myself, “can I do this!?”. Afraid of my insecurities getting in my way of having a successful day, I take a moment to address them and redirect my thinking.

Upon arriving to my student teaching setting, I can feel myself standing a little straighter and smiling a little wider. I went from feeling anxious to feeling in my ‘flow’, as Korthagen (2013) states as the number six characteristic of flow, “the situation [of flow] gives energy to the person” (p. 26).  This is where I’m supposed to be! Immediately upon entering my classroom, my students jump up and shout, “Miss Silva!”, giving me that certainty that these are my students and I am welcomed here. When I am in my classroom I feel like I fit in, like I am doing something right – I am in my flow.  In this moment, I feel my core qualities are peeking out.  I then have a student acting out starving for adult attention, so I step in. He is having a hard time listening with the rest of the class and won’t let me leave his side. I see then that he needs me.

I am needed – I then feel a shift in my emotions to sadness because I know his back story and I know his parents do not care for them as they should. He needs me just as much as I need him.  I feel myself wanting to tell him that I’m proud of him and that I believe in him and that I care for him. This moment brings me to Palmer’s (1998) quote, “the courage to teach is the courage to keep one’s heart open in those very moments when the heart is asked to hold more than it is able…” (p. 11). Suddenly, I am ripped away from him as the clock strikes 10 and I must leave to come to SOU and be a student myself. I feel distressed that I have to leave him and the other students.

As I drive to my next destination, I am no longer upset about leaving my students because my role is shifting. I feel a change in my emotions to nervousness. I am headed to a one on one meeting with my guide to discuss how I am feeling. Waiting for the meeting to start, my nerves turn to an overwhelming feeling of emotion. As I sit before my guide – speaking from my heart – I discover many things about myself and why I am feeling the way I do. I am hit with emotion, like a ton of bricks, with tears flooding my eyes. I am discussing my role as a student and a teacher. I am uncertain and fearful of my potential. This is when I think back to my inner obstacles and limitations via the diamond model. My inner diamond is trying to shine out to the environment creating flow but I cannot seem to get over the bump that is impeding that flow.  Korthagen (2013) states that this is my “…core potential blocked by inner obstacles and limitations” (p. 31). During this time, I feel the least connected with my core qualities because I know I am my own worst enemy, hindering my own learning and self awareness.