I’m the one who set our path on the tip-toeing turnabout that it is at the moment. You talked of marriage two months in and sweet Jesus it got me scared.
I don’t even know if I feel emotions correctly. You tell me I’m so full of warmth and love and light and it destroys me inside because all I can feel is the opposite.
Except for about you. I know that I love you. Never think otherwise.
But do you actually love me? Or do you love the idea of me. Someone once said long distance relationships are nothing but promises, and that stuck with me. What if you see me for my actual size and become disheartened. What if you see my belly for what it really is and wish you hadn’t committed or said you loved me as much as you did?
What if you don’t actually love me? Can anyone love me? I know it’s stupid to suggest, but I can’t help wonder how a person so wonderful could feel about me so deeply when I know what I look like and I know how I act and I know that I am definitely someone not deserving of a love so pure and beautiful?
Sometimes I worry that I’m actually just projecting my non-emotions onto you, but I know the difference between emotion and non-emotion, and baby let me tell you that these are incredibly strong emotions that I’m feeling.
They’re so strong they make me cry. I could use fancy words like weep or sob or bawl, but I’m not weeping or sobbing or bawling. I am crying. The most curt and direct word for it. And it’s happening now because how can someone love me and how can I love them back so much more?
