#inkbleeds

Trying some experiments with ink today. My inspiration came from Marco Polo😝. #inkbleeds #movingink #marcopolo #netflix #ink #video #inkvideo #littletree #blacktree #blackandwhite #inkbleed #brushpointstudio

I think that maybe I don't deserve to live. I don't really get the point of my existence. This feeling never goes away. Just dims for awhile. I wish I had a purpose. I wish I could make people happy. I've woken up from this thought process & deciding that when I kill myself I will walk in front of a truck with a glimmer of hope in me. But I don't get the point of it. I keep wasting peoples' time. People keep trying to help & I don't get why. I don't serve a purpose. I don't have a meaning. I'm sick, broken, my body doesn't work, & I have no talent - no use. This world is fucked up & hopefully will be over soon. & then what? I'm losing my faith. I know God exists. But after that. I want to believe in a Saviour. I want a purpose. I'm desperate for a reason to live. But I can't. There's not. In my mind I'm loved & I can make people smile & I can be a mum & make beautiful art but that fantasy world is based on nothing & is merely an escape. If someone could give me just one reason. One reason based on fact. All that's keeping me here at the moment is fear & the smile on my sisters' faces. & the drive yesterday when she told me offing myself isn't the option. What is the option then? Do I kill myself on the inside? I could do that. That I'm not too scared to do. That way I die. I no longer feel. I no longer waste peoples' time. But I'm still there, so that they don't have to do my work for me. I know I don't do much & I'm replaceable but I like to think that without me. Something would change. I wish I could take away peoples' pain. I have friends who have lost loved ones & sometimes I wish I could bring the person back & other times I wish I could be the person for them. But I can't do that. & in the end I don't know why they even speak to me. Because for me they brighten my day up but for them I'm just a nuisance. But I'm selfish & don't remove myself from their life. All I can hear is my brothers beating up my sisters. I hate that. It hurts me. I wish I could protect them. I wish I could do something. I wish I had a use. I wish life had a meaning. I wish for once something that would go right. But it won't ever whilst I'm around because I screw everything up. I mean my dad had to smack me at 6 weeks I'm that awful. So many times throughout my life I've nearly died. I just never got the message. I want to be dead. I don't want this to end I want to be dead. Over. Finished. No more. I want to stop taking up oxygen. Stop wasting my parents' food. Stop. Just stop.

If I kill myself, I take away the thing that broke you. If I kill myself, I fix my family because they can write me off as insane & everything will go back to normal. If I kill myself, no one will ever have I endure my brokenness, my fucked up-ness, my madness. If I kill myself, the desire to kill myself will go away. I'll stop cutting. If I kill myself I'll no longer be an idiot & no longer love you. If I kill myself, no one will have to worry about the emo kid anymore. If I kill myself I'll take away my pathetic excuse of an attempt at Christianity. If I kill myself I'll take away the mistake. I HURT PEOPLE I BREAK PEOPLE I AM A MESS A TRAIN WRECK IT'S ALL MY PERCEPTIONS & ALL MY FAULT & EVERYONE IS A LIAR & NONE OF YOU EVER LOVED ME. I am trapped inside my head. I am not real. My pain is not real. There is nothing actually wrong with me. I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE. Life is not OK. Life will never be OK. I can never be with the people I love & people die & we have fucked up governments & what are good things but a distraction so we stay a bit longer to be used as experiments? WHAT IS THE POINT. Scream it. Scream it loudly. Every fucking person wonders it. I want the pain to go away. I want the memories to go away. I don't want to do this. I want to end. Hang myself. Gas myself. Overdose. Stab myself. Starve myself. Drown myself. Suffocate myself. Rip my insides out. LOOK AT THIS MESS. How is it worth anything? How did anyone ever love it? What's going on. Where am I. Cry. Keep crying. Desperate for release. Should I just cut? You just need to be held. You're pathetic & weak & stupid & messed up. What good? Explain to me good. The feeling when he said he adored you. The feeling when you forget you're fucked up. None of it is you. BECAUSE YOU'RE GAY & YOU'RE STRAIGHT. BECAUSE YOU'RE ABUSED. BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT REALLY ABUSED. BECAUSE YOUR HEAD HURTS. BECAUSE YOU YELL. BECAUSE YOU NEVER DO A FUCKING THING. kill yourself they won't notice they won't care your friends hate you Perfectionist nerd idiot moron slut bitch halfwit why do you keep trying? YOU WANT OUT. HOW DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO FUCKING GET IT?