#ingeborga

Ms. Reshetnikova,

 It would seem my blog post notifications reached you either directly or you were informed by one of your acquaintances.  No doubt this triggered an episode of narcissistic shame for you and in your rage, you decided to lash out. 

I did not read your email but can guess that you took the time to make me the bad guy and describe how it was my fault for ending our 3 year acquaintance.  It is likely you attempted to project your own behavior on to me as you repeatedly did in the past when suggesting I was too sensitive or too suspicious or too serious.  Perhaps you attempted to tell me that my memory is bad or selective or suggest that I not drink so much implying this was affecting me cognitively.  Maybe you again tried to convince me that I do not understand Russian women and that a Russian man would be different and that I am too aggressive.  Maybe you just wrote that I gain some sort of sadistic pleasure from outing you!  Of course, I am sure you did not address your past behavior and how it factored into these moments.  Right?  Denial and revisionist history are the tools of a narcissist.

I am sure you were able to concoct a lie to tell your “flying monkey” acquaintances in order to save face.  Something along the lines of. “He is crazy.  He is some old guy who is obsessed with me. He is abusive and sadistic."  Something along those lines will probably work to get you some sympathy.  Of course, you left out the real facts.  So let's be real here.  You do not like the fact that you and your behaviors were exposed to your alleged "friends" and to your family.  It has nothing to do with what I wrote as you do not care about your past behaviors.  You care about being unmasked.

Now, I informed you months ago that I was starting a blog.  I am not sure what you though I would be writing but my goal was to provide information to others who may have either encountered a dating scam or may be dealing with a pathological narcissist.  You are angry that I used Instagram to promote my posts and you are angry that I specifically targeted some of your acquaintances.  People who deal with you have a right to know the real you - at least the you that you attempt to hide.

Unlike you, who does not believe she has an obligation to apologize or explain her behavior, I chose to respond to you only so that you know the reason for my actions.  I do not want or expect a reply because anything you write will be your narcissist rage.  I have learned there is no point to explain anything more or attempt to help. 

I will not apologize for my actions as this is my way of finally declaring my complete independence.  I will not offer your forgiveness again, as I did in the past, because it only serves to enable your cruel, uncaring and self-centered behavior.

 “It is always important to know when something has reached its end.  Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn't matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.” - Paulo Coelho 

How I approached this project...

In the 40 or so blog posts which recount my experiences with Inga over a three year period, it was often necessary for me to weave the dialogue from favorite movies or memorable quotes into my narrative.  Because these words were familiar to me, they served as a comfortable starting point and allowed me to overcome some profound reservations about such a detailed accounting of a very personal time in my life.  

It was not uncommon for me to have a tight knot in the center of my gut while writing.  I would linger over the "Publish" button after finishing each post.  I was not at all concerned that I may be thought of as gullible, a "simp", or a mark.  Truth be told, there were many times when I had those very opinions of myself.  I could hardly blame a given reader for formulating the same conclusion.  Rather, the conflict with which I wrestled over all these entries was the possibility that I may cause harm with my words.

Ingeborga is not the devil incarnate...

I need to be clear that I do not consider Inga to be an evil person.  It is my opinion, which I have expressed repeatedly in previous entries, is that Inga lacks self-awareness.  This is a defining characteristic of a narcissist.  Her inability to engage in self-reflection, her lack of empathy and all of the other traits consistent with NPD she exhibits, do not make Ingeborga an evil person.  Indeed, Inga has many wonderful parts of her - her creativity and intelligence are but two.  It should be obvious that I would remain supportive of Inga as an individual; but I would be quick to encourage talk therapy for her with a trusted provider.

If I were to venture a guess as to how Inga might react to reading any of these blog entries it is highly likely that she would be dismissive of my words.  She would likely attempt to paint me as the "bad guy", someone who betrayed her, was distrustful of her and now enjoys hurting her by sharing all these exaggerated details with the world.  She would attempt to justify her accusations by employing revisionist history and simply not consider how her own past actions led to a predictable outcome.  Inga would likely engage one or more of her friends to come to her defense and boost her self-esteem.

The birthday incident...

When I arrived at the decision to cease support and communication with Inga in March 2023, I failed to heed some valuable advice which was; when ending a relationship with a narcissist, one cannot simply withdraw to the sidelines and remain a spectator.  It is necessary to put the narcissist in the "rear view", as the expression goes.  Some advocate for a technique referred to as "gray rocking", which implies making oneself a less appealing target.  Active participation, in any form, only invites the wrath of the narcissist.  I saw this expressed by Ingeborga in a few ways.

I would periodically check Inga's Instagram to get an overall sense of how she was doing.  I learned through her stories that she completed her move.  This was likely to the apartment on Gogol Street that was purchased in December.  Following the move, their cat was lost somewhere in the new neighborhood (was never clear if "Cat" was actually found).  Apparently, Inga was aware I was "lurking" and she posted a couple of stories designed to elicit a response.  Did I remain quiet?  Of course not...I took the bait.  After a couple of dust ups, I withdrew recognizing my folly and internally beating myself up for reacting.

As September was drawing to a close, I received a reminder on my phone (which I have since deleted) of Eva's birthday.  I thought it would be a nice gesture to send along a gift.  As I noted in a previous post, there are few options to send parcels or gifts directly to Russia.  However, there remains a handful of vendors who continue relationships with Russian partners to deliver flowers, candy and the like.  I placed an order through a site I had previously used.  The selection was limited and the prices expensive - Economics 101 - the theory of "supply and demand".  I ordered some Kinder Surprise, egg shaped containers with chocolate and a toy.  In this case, the service allowed for the addition of cash to be added to an order.  So, I included 5000 rubles with a note to Eva that she could use the money to select another gift of her liking, with her mother's assistance.  

A day or so after Eva's birthday, I received an Instagram message from Inga.  I assumed it would be a simple "thank you" for recognizing Eva's birthday.  Instead it was a savagely angry accusation that I intentionally, and for sport, sent a gift that I knew Eva would hate.  I was accused of deliberately causing pain and disappointment to an innocent.  Inga claimed that she previously informed me that Eva does not like Kinder so; my selection was a calculated, sadistic act.

Weapons of a sadist

This was actually the tipping point, which resulted in freedom.

Speaking of self-reflection...

As someone who often deeply feels the pain of others, I generally avoid intense conflict so as to preclude the chance of causing trauma.  I have recognized for many years that my predisposition toward assuming the burdens of others comes with a cost.  While I consider myself to possess a deep emotional reserve, just like anyone, I can experience feelings that I am being neglected, manipulated or exploited resulting in emotional reactivity.  I certainly experienced this over my time with Inga as she required a lot of attention; a lot of energy; a lot of resources, but shared very little of herself with me.  In retrospect, armed with the knowledge I acquired over the course of this experience, it was inevitable that it should end as it did.

Is it possible I am just an asshole by putting all of Inga's business "on front street"?  Well, I suppose one could argue that I could have written a less explicit account.  I will not deny I considered doing just that.  The thing is, a more homogenous version of this period in my life could easily be discounted in a simple phrase: "older man rejected by a younger woman wants revenge".  It is not revenge that I seek nor is it my goal to hurt Ingeborga.  

This underscores a bit of the dilemma experienced by more empathic individuals.  We still see the value in others in spite of whatever pain or hardship we endured in the relationship.  A highly empathic person is more inclined to shoulder narcissistic abuse quietly and the narcissist knows this intuitively.

My goal in writing this blog was to be able to unpack all the memories, archives, photos and other details to put them in their proper order, after the passage of some time, to give a proper perspective.  It was my hope that through this effort, I would finally resolve some of the dissonance I continued to experience.  It is certainly a terrible thing for any sort of relationship if you are unable to trust the other party; however, it is downright debilitating when you get to a point where you are unable to trust yourself.  So, more than anything, this unburdening is intended to restore faith in myself.

 Finding Inga...

...I don’t know if this was worth it all.” Dustin Thao (You've Reached Sam)

"Goin' to Chicago. Sorry I can't take you..." (Count Basie and Jimmy Rushing)

I was approaching Chicago in the early evening of 4 December.  Driving the last stretch of I-65 north through Northwest Indiana, a light snow began to fall.  Passing the many interchanges in the area, I arrived at the exit to I-90 and, shortly after, the toll booth at the Chicago Skyway.  The silhouettes of downtown Chicago buildings could be clearly seen despite through the periodic snow flurries.  I made my way to the short-term apartment for which I had negotiated a rental agreement weeks before.  I selected accommodations within a half city block of the emergency department doors.  At least I would have a short walk.

Over the following days I easily fell into a work routine after meeting staff and getting familiar with the hospital geography.  When last I worked in the area, the very old and antiquated county facility was still in operation.  The new hospital complex was an environment with which I had no experience;  however, I was able to "get up to speed" without much difficulty.

The days passed quickly with the exception of one brutally cold week which made even my short walk a little painful.  The wind which blows through the city at this time of the year is known as "The Hawk" for good reason.  Christmas 2022 was quickly upon me and then passed without anything to note.  Inga and I continued to exchange messages; although, the occasional video calls that Inga would initiate, as she was walking to school to retrieve Eva, had to be stopped as I was generally in the area of the hospital and had to be sensitive to confidentiality issues.  Over this entire time I had not broached the topic of Inga's early November trip to St. Petersburg.  I was avoiding confrontation with her so as not to lose focus on the work before me.  As it was now nearly impossible to send parcels to Russia via the usual carriers, I had to rely upon Inga to secure a gift for Eva in preparation for the arrival of Father Christmas

The new year, 2023, arrived with Inga and I exchanging New Year's Eve greetings at about 6:00 pm (midnight in Pskov).  An hour later, I began covering a shift in the emergency department.  Between my temporary assignment in Chicago and ongoing research-related work in which I was engaged, time seemed to accelerate.  However, I still allowed ample time to communicate with Inga even though our exchanges were light and breezy.  There was no discussion of securing visas even though I would occasionally forward available real estate listings for different regions of Cyprus to solicit Inga's opinion and, perhaps, action, despite my ever growing doubts of her sincerity.  Her responses had the character as though she were "shining me on" so; there was little reason to constantly revisit the topic.

Throughout this time I continued to provide financial support to Inga in the only legal way that was available.  This required my purchase of Bitcoin and then the electronic transfer to Inga who would redeem the Bitcoin for rubles.  It was a mystery to me as to just how Inga was making these transactions.  One of the facts uncovered by PI Lab investigators was that Inga did not have a TIN which is supposedly required to create financial accounts within the Russian Federation.  This was highlighted to me in a previous report where it was noted that Denis traveled to Aktau, Kazakhstan on 16 September 2022.   He remained for one day, apparently to create a bank account through a Non-Resident Mutual Assistance agreement.  It would be inappropriate of me to suggest some sort of conspiracy between Inga and Denis on this matter but it does imply an odd coincidence.

With the arrival of February, things got strange...once again!

As I approached my last few weeks in Chicago I began to perceive a shift in the tenor of Inga's messages.  Over the previous weeks she had been mostly upbeat but she was progressively becoming more distracted by personal issues.  Of course, Inga would not speak of the details even though she would mention that she was experiencing some form of conflict.  What little she did share gave the impression that it was a problem with the apartment in which she and Eva were living.  She suggested that she may be forced to move, expressing her frustration that the owner was suddenly becoming difficult.  When I asked her to elaborate on this, she quickly parried my questions and minimized the issue.  I could have, maybe should have, pursued this with more vigor.  After all, I knew that the flat in which Inga, Eva and Denis had been living was owned by the father of Denis.  I did not keep it a secret that I learned of these property ownerships through the work of the investigators.  It may have been Inga was being purposefully provocative in speaking about her apartment issues.  It seemed she wanted me aware of a problem and a potential move without revealing much else.

Related to the concerns Inga was expressing regarding her living situation was the unsolved mystery of asset distribution secondary to the divorce decree.  As I have previously written, according to Russian Federation law, marital assets are to be equally divided in the event of divorce in the absence of a superseding agreement.  This raised the question as to why Inga would be fretting over such matters when she should have assets with which to work.  This is assuming the divorce was more than just a legal contrivance, which the PI Lab investigators were speculating was the case.  Mikhail Levko remarked, on more than one occasion, that the divorce was legal but seemed "odd" by not dealing with asset distribution.

Another trip to Saint Petersburg

On 17 February 2023, Inga informed me that she and Eva were traveling to St. Petersburg over the weekend.  Inga stated they were traveling with the express purpose of visiting the Cypriot Consulate.  This seemed rather odd as the consulate offices are not open over the weekend.  It would be necessary for her to remain through Monday 20 February.  Given the way Inga framed her plans, I contacted PI Labs as her reasoning seemed just an attempt to placate any suspicions I may have had regarding her motives.

Mikhail produced a summary report of Inga's trip almost immediately after her return to Pskov:

We received information from the surveillance cameras of the St. Petersburg city monitoring centre. The monitoring centre checked for the presence of either the Skoda and Volvo vehicles registered to Denis. According to the centre, the Skoda with number E 244 KU 60 was fixed by surveillance cameras in the period from 18.02.2023 to 20.02.2023. On 18.02 2023, at 15:00, the Skoda arrived in the city of St. Petersburg.  On 19.02.2023, at 09:40, the car began driving from Repischeva Street, 11/9.  The car proceeded to the city center, then at 13:00 arrived at MEGA DYBENKO shopping mall, located on Murmonsky highway.  There was an exhibition of pictures and photos in the shopping mall and this may have been the reason for their travel.

20.02.2023 at 13:00 the Skoda and occupants left the city of St. Petersburg, in the direction of the city of Pskov.

Given the limited amount of time spent in St. Petersburg, the trip seemed purposeful, but not to apply for visas.  Once again we see Inga and Denis traveling together and, while in St. Petersburg, staying at the home of Inga's brother, Nikita.  Whatever issues to which Inga alluded the previous days related to Denis or his father, it appears not to have influenced this trip as a family.

A further report by PI Labs confirmed that no visa application was received for Inga and Eva by the Cypriot consulate.

Suddenly, a trip to Sochi...

Shortly before my planned departure from Chicago, Inga announced that she and Eva would be traveling to Sochi for a few days.  When I initially asked her the purpose of the hastily planned trip, Inga replied by stating that she made the travel arrangements almost a year prior and she she needed to make the trip to avoid losing the money previously spent. It is important to note that a few weeks later, Inga would emphatically deny having made this claim.  As I distinctly remembered the discussion I searched archived messages only to find these comments by Inga written 24 February 2022:

Ingeborga: Each day wake up and get shocked more and more Ingeborga: They closed Sochi airport! I have to go there in a few days

Indeed, she had planned a trip to Sochi the year before but because air travel was halted, she was unable to make the trip.  It was unclear to me as to why Inga would attempt to gaslight me with her denial.  Inga eventually described the purpose of the trip as an attempt to look for a job and how she had been disappointed by friends. How much of it all was true, will remain an unknown.

Okay, I am done...there is no point!

 At about 7:00 am on 26 February 2023, I had loaded up the car and was headed toward the entrance of the Dan Ryan Expressway.  I would have about 14 hours to drive and think.  I concluded that my first step would be to cease all financial support.  The last Bitcoin purchase and transfer made was the day before and I vowed it would be the last.  I could not be sure how it was being used  or even who who was using it  There appeared to be no serious effort being made by Inga to change her living situation.  I had given her options and was willing to support her in making the change.  But she demonstrated no initiative on the matter betraying her true intentions.  It was the trip to Cancun all over again - say anything but do nothing.  For the time being, I would remain silent about my decisions and assess Inga's reactions for change.

A few days after my return from Chicago I was able to settle back into a routine at home.  Inga and I continued to exchange messages but Inga was reporting more stress and announced an imminent move to an apartment she described as "dirty".  Within the same time frame, Inga communicated that she had lost her phone - an iPhone that I previously purchased and shipped to her.  Following that announcement, Inga purged the entire communication thread between us on Telegram.  When I asked the reason for her actions she claimed that she wanted to be sure that if her phone was found, it would not contain any sensitive financial information.  Okay, sure!!!

My understanding of Inga, which evolved through a long period of observation and personal pain, told me that these were not a random series of events.  The inevitable confrontation occurred.  It was necessary for me to withdraw from regular contact with Inga.  It was necessary for me to stop assisting her.  I had been feeding her narcissistic supply with a steady stream of high availability along with emotional and financial support.  

"Put no faith in words; subject everything to the closest scrutiny..." (V.I. Lenin)

Before anyone decides to write a hateful criticism, I completely acknowledge that I am applying this quote of Vladimir Ilyich Lenin out of context.  Without opening a political science Pandora's Box, Lenin was exhorting the Marxist worker with his words.  I, in a very apolitical way, apply Lenin's words to the lessons I have learned in my interactions with Ingeborga Alexandrova Reshetnikova (nee Lopatuk?, Lopatiuk?, Lopatyuk?) over the previous couple of years. 

Equally applicable is the Russian proverb, "доверяй, но проверяй" (approximate translation: "Trust but verify").  This phrase was popularized in the West when Ronald Reagan used it in a speech related to bilateral nuclear arms de-escalation.  But while I claim no diplomatic service experience, I certainly was aware that Inga's words could not be trusted.  She was capable of spinning even the most preposterous story at will.  No investment of my time, no demonstration of my emotional support, no gifts would result in a more emotionally open Inga.  Ernest Hemingway may have had a point when he wrote" The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them." but he never dealt with Inga.  Above the long abandoned desire for an intimate relationship with Inga, I was determined to create a mutual atmosphere of support and trust.  As "Ace" Rothstein said, "When you love someone, you've gotta trust them.  There's no other way.  You've got to give them the key to everything that's yours.  Otherwise, what's the point?" (Casino - 1995)  Well, if you have viewed the movie then you know how well that worked out for "Ace".

It was time to wind things down...

Upon receiving the report from PI Labs in late September 2022 as to the living arrangements and day-to-day activities of Inga, I was welcoming the temporary assignment in Chicago.  I was hopeful  the work and time in my hometown would serve to ground me once again.  I was not looking forward to a potentially cold Chicago Winter, but the ability to attend cultural events, dine at my favorite restaurants and drop in on some jazz sets at The Green Mill and  Andy's strongly overrode my dislike for the bitter cold.

In late October, Inga announced that she was planning a trip to St. Petersburg.  Eva had been asking to visit with her uncle (Nikita) and his wife and relatively new baby.  Inga wrote that this would also be an opportunity for her to visit the Consulate of Cypress, as well.  Her plan was to arrive on 3 November and remain until 6 or 7 November. Extending the stay to the 7th was dependent upon the need for Eva to attend school that day.  I contacted Mikhail at PI Lab with the information Inga shared about her travel plans.  I was primarily interested in Inga's follow through with her stated desire to secure a visa to travel to Cyprus.  Mikhail assigned the new scope of work to an operative and pledged to inform me of the results.

Inga IM'd me a few times on 3 November to tell me about the trip to St. Petersburg.  In particular, Inga wrote of the difficulties she experienced in traveling on the bus.  She explained that they decided to take Monika (their dog) along on the trip.  Monika was apparently restless on the bus and made for an unpleasant time.  I received only a few messages from Inga over the following days as, no doubt, she was busy with family.  With her return to Pskov on 7 November, a fairly normal stream of communications resumed.  Inga explained that she did not have the opportunity to visit the consulate and would need to return in the near future.

As the days passed in November, I was preparing for my trip and three month stay in Chicago.  I planned to leave on 4 December in order to be in town and ready for an onsite meeting Monday, 5 December.  It was necessary to leave my home clean and secured during my absence as well as gather together the essentials for my stay.

The week before my planned departure, I received a report from PI Lab regarding the trip Inga and Eva made to St. Petersburg a couple of weeks prior.  The following are excerpts:

We received information from the surveillance cameras of the St. Petersburg city monitoring centre. The monitoring centre checked the movement for the Skoda or Volvo vehicles registered to Denis. According to the centre, Skoda car number E 244 KU 60 was recorded by surveillance cameras.  On 3 November 2022, in the evening, the vehicle arrived in the city of St. Petersburg. On 06 November 2022, in the morning, the vehicle started driving from 11/9 Repischeva Street.  In between these days the vehicle did not move through the city.  The route departing the city started on 06 November from one of the addresses of Ingeborga's brother - 19 Repischeva street. 

Investigators also checked information you supplied that Ingeborga and Eva (and possibly Denis) went to the children's entertainment center, Smile Park. We found a photo of Eva at the centre. The photograph was taken on 04 November 2022. 

Reading the latest report submitted by Mikhail and his team caused me to laugh aloud.  I could not understand why Inga would bend herself into a pretzel with such an elaborate story.  Adding poor little Monika into the fable was the topper for me.  The report simply confirmed that there was an ongoing relationship between Inga and Denis even after their dubious divorce.  The issue of securing a visa was again given no priority confirming, once more, Inga did not appear to have serious intentions.

 ...that Herr Laszlo will receive a visa?" - Major Strasser (Casablanca 1942)

Ingeborga has a new MacGuffin for our saga...

No, a MacGuffin is not a fast food breakfast item.  Rather, it has been described as an object of temporary focus to allow a plot line to be advanced.  In the above referenced "Casablanca", the MacGuffin was the exit visas obtained through robbery and murder.  In "The Maltese Falcon", possession of the black bird fueled murder and betrayal across the wide spectrum of those who coveted the prize.  In "Murder My Sweet" the search for the missing and elusive Velma leads Philip Marlowe into a complex mystery.  In all these examples, the MacGuffin is an aspirational goal.  Indeed, the last spoken line of "The Maltese Falcon" is that of Sam Spade responding to a question from Tom Polhaus about the heavy statue.  Spade replied to the detective (paraphrasing Shakespeare), "...the stuff that dreams are made of...".

Upon sharing my thoughts about retirement, or perhaps, continued work in a warmer climate as a "digital nomad", Inga seemed keen to discuss her own desire to escape the constraints and long winters of Northwest Russia.  My empathic internal voice was encouraging me to help her realize the dream that she expressed; however, I had learned many lessons about Inga along the way, which made me wary.  She was recently divorced and any international travel with Eva would require the explicit permission of Denis, Eva's father.  Additionally, given the state of world politics, it would be not be easy for Ingeborga and Eva to secure even travel visas for most, if not all, of Western Europe.  These factors dictated that I be deliberate in my actions.  It would be necessary to constantly question and then validate the progress of Inga toward securing the necessary documentation.

A goal or a fantasy?

With the onset of Summer 2022 there continued a succession of light, inconsequential communications with Inga.  I continued to inject as many supportive comments into our banter as possible.  I now appreciated how this was the fuel driving Inga.  I was complimentary regarding her appearance and progress in the gym.  I was supportive of her desire to improve her drawing skills.  I was also supportive of her financially by sending her small amounts of money to provide for some extras for her and Eva.  Of course, I had no way to determine how she was using the resources I supplied, but the money was not the issue for me.  If there was a way to demonstrate and model trust, I was prepared to do this even though the change I hoped to see may not be realized.

As the weeks passed over that Summer, I shared with Inga information about real estate and schools in Costa Blanca region of Spain.  In particular, I located a school I thought might be perfect for Eva.  I went so far as to attend a digital open house and asked the admissions director questions in preparation.

Despite the expressed enthusiasm of Ingeborga, there seemed to be no progress toward securing the necessary documentation.  Because I thought it ill advised to solely rely on her descriptions of the process or obstructions she may have encountered enroute to securing visas, I was independently making inquiries with the Spanish Consulate.  I was able to validate that having a visa granted to a Russian national would be extremely difficult, laborious and expensive.  Further, a tourist visa would only grant a limited stay  

It was obvious to me that Inga's enthusiasm was waning.  I suggested to Inga that if her goal was truly to find a warm weather home where she and Inga could move, there were over 100 countries granting visas to Russian nationals.  I suggested several of these as alternatives but she quickly rejected all citing either distance or potential difficulties transporting her possessions.  One country of interest to her was Cyprus, a divided island nation.  Cyprus is the adopted home of a large group of former or current Russian citizens.  A few years prior, Cypriot officials had been involved in selling passports/citizenship to Russian oligarchs.  Discovery of this forced changes in emigration law.  Cyprus reinstated visa restrictions for Russian nationals.  Inga would be forced to apply for visas just as she would have been required to enter Spain.  As for me, working as "digital nomad" in Cyprus was appealing.  Just as I had prior, I began to search out recommendations for appealing residential areas.

Summer yields to Autumn

With the rapid approach of Autumn 2022, Inga reported no progress toward securing a visa.  It was not even clear she had initiated the process.  Our communications, even though high in volume, were of predictable content - coffee, dresses, Eva and alcohol with each day being some variation of these topics.  Inga would periodically introduce comments about her frustration with making and receiving online purchases.  Sanctions, resulting in travel and commerce restrictions were viewed by Inga as insults.  Inga did casually remark in an exchange that the restrictions were compromising her ability to purchase items that she and an acquaintance had begun to sell.  This indicated that resources I had intended for her and Eva directly were being used for another purpose.  I purposefully did not react to Inga's admission.  I was not surprised and it was inconsequential to me.  I had come to expect just about anything.

In late September I was contacted by a recruiting firm to gauge my interest in accepting a locum tenens (temporary assignment) arrangement at the busiest emergency department in Chicago.  The contract was for three months and was to begin in early December and end the last day of February.  Before accepting the role, I decided to discuss the offer with Inga as both a way to demonstrate transparency and respect in a relationship but to also get some understanding what she was doing regarding her desire to move to Cyprus.  Inga made few comments about the job in Chicago other to voice support if it was something in which I was interested.  When I mentioned the timing of my assignment and a potential move to Cyprus, Inga replied that she would need to make a trip to either St. Petersburg or Moscow. Both are cities where Cyprus maintains consulates.  Inga claimed that because of Eva being in school, there was not a window of opportunity to make the trip.  Of course, she did not actually need to travel to the consulates as travel and visa related information is readily found online.  However, I did not make an issue of what was either procrastination at addressing the issue or a stall tactic.  I was more inclined to think it the latter of the two.

You guessed it...time for another scope of work for PI Labs

I was again struggling with a little cognitive dissonance as the result of my communications with Inga.  There was a disconnect between her stated goals and any initiative she was expending to realizing the same.  That, coupled with a few other casual comments, made me wonder what Inga was actually doing in the course of a day. 

I contacted PI Labs and Mikhail Levko and I agreed upon another round of direct observation of Inga.  Sections of the summary report included:

September 12, 2022 from 08:00 to 20:00 

Conducted observation of subject.  The beginning of the observation took place at: Pskov, ul. Nikolai Vasilyeva, 71g, where Ingeborga and Denis Reshetnikov currently live.

At 9:00 am, Ingeborga drove Eva to school by car: Skoda Octavia (Superb), number E 244 KU 60. This vehicle is registered to Denis.  Denis left the residence driving a Volvo in an unknown direction.  Due to bad weather and a gloomy period, a photo could not be taken.

Ingeborga returned home at 12:00.  The car was parked at the front of a beauty salon, which is located in the ground floor of the building where they reside.  Officially, the salon was re-registered for Denis's mother - Reshetnikova Elena Pavlovna.  Further until 2:30 pm Ingeborga was at home.  She left to school to pick up Eva.  Upon arrival home, they entered the residence from the side of the salon.  At 5:31 pm Eva and Ingeborga left home using the Skoda car.  At 7:36 pm Denis arrived home.  Once inside the house, he never left.  Eva and Ingeborga returned home at 8:23 pm. 

September 13, 2022 Information was requested from the surveillance cameras of the city monitoring center. The monitoring center checked the movement of the Skoda vehicle. The footage shows the silhouette of a man and a woman identifiable as Denis and Ingeborg.

Divorce did not change much...

Despite an official divorce decree finalized in April, Inga and Denis remained together and continued to share resources and who knows what else.  The report came as no surprise but did allow the confusion I was experiencing to resolve.  It also confirmed my conclusion that Inga was stalling and, again "future faking"

...and boarded a flight to freedom, which landed in the valley of change.” - Shannon L. Alder

For the purposes of full disclosure, my lack of surprise over the information provided by the investigators from PI Labs was, in part, secondary to an angry outburst by Ingeborga back in January.  When I confronted her at that time with my concerns and suspicions backed by hard evidence, Inga typically employed the "falsus in uno, falsus in omnibus"  strategy.  This simply means that Inga would look for a flaw or inaccuracy in the evidence I provided and then attempt to discredit the entire array of facts because of an omission or minor error.  As a result, Inga angrily accused the investigators of not being thorough when announcing she was divorcing Denis.  It was not clear to me at the time if that was just an angry, knee-jerk response by Inga to reinforce her previous claims that she did not have a close relationship with Denis or if there was some truth in her assertion.  It also caused me further confusion over the events of the previous few months.

Flashback to Sam Spade...

From the end of my calamitous video call with Inga in January up to the point of receiving confirmation of her divorce, I could not make any sense of the actions of Inga and Denis.  If I accepted Inga's explanations on their face, discounting all the historical lies,  I would come away with the understanding that Inga and Denis were married and living together in a sexless marriage.  Inga implied that both had sexual interests outside their marriage.  The implication was that theirs was a marriage of convenience or, at least, one without a lack of inertia to change conditions.  Inga began communicating with me extensively and, from her actions, there was an impression she was hiding this from Denis.  However, I was supplying Inga and Eva with gifts and Denis assisted in the collection of the various parcels mailed.  If Denis was not aware of my involvement with Inga, why would he be assisting her?  When I met Inga and Eva in St. Petersburg, how was this meeting explained?  If the marriage of Inga and Denis was in name only, why would Inga be a cosigner to a significant mortgage loan and then become the petitioner for divorce on the heels of that?  What was really behind Inga's withdrawal and change in attitude toward me in November and December?  In all of this I still could not rule out that there was underlying criminal activity on the part of the Reshetnikov family.

It all reminded me of Sam Spade attempting to unravel the machinations of the various parties seeking The Maltese Falcon.  At one point in the film, Spade relates his doubts to Brigid over the actions of Joel Cairo.  Spade replies to the apparent confusion of Brigid concerning his questioning Cairo's motives by stating, "Because, my own true love, I've got to keep in some sort of touch with all the loose ends of this dizzy affair if I'm ever gonna make heads or tails of it."  In my interactions with Inga, it was all a dizzy affair.

Let's cast a line and see if they are biting...

I was determined not to tip my hand that I had acquired Inga's divorce along with the nature of the murky terms associated with the dissolution of her marriage.  Some bargain was struck but my past experiences with Inga taught me that unless details could be discovered by the private investigators, Inga would not be the source.

As Winter 2022 relented in Pskov and Spring finally made an appearance (about June in Pskov), Inga expressed her relief at the arrival of warmer weather.  Our conversations were less of war-related news, as this became a contentious topic.  Frequent, daily messages were still of an unimportant character with the exchange of pleasantries related to the weather and plans for the day and then the weekend.  Inga frequently wrote of plans to meet with one friend or another and then wrote of sudden changes to their plans.  These last minute cancellations left her at home, looking for movies, preferably in the Horror genre.

I mentioned to Inga that my work-related contracts would likely be ending in Autumn.  I was giving consideration to scaling back my work hours in preparation for retirement.  I wrote of my ambivalence regarding full retirement as I was concerned about boredom.  However, I had been entertaining thoughts of either a fill or part-time life in Europe.  This opened a new line of conversation for us as we shared our thoughts regarding one country or another.  We both seemed to be in agreement about the virtues of Spain.  I had been seriously looking at properties in the Costa Blanca region for long-term rental or purchase.  Inga's interest was piqued with this exchange and expressed her interest in living there.  She wrote of having friends in Spain and that there were many Russians who had emigrated.  

I suggested to Inga that she inquire about a visa and consider a move away from Russia.  Perhaps the change in environment and expanded opportunities would serve as motivation for personal growth.  If she were to make such a decision, I would be supportive of her both emotionally and financially.  Inga related that she had a multi-entry Schengen visa but it would soon expire and Eva had no visa, which precluded any travel.  However, Inga seemed excited by the idea of a life outside of Pskov.  As I shared photos and real estate listings with her, she became even more enthralled with the idea.  At one point, I sought out a school in which Eva might be a good fit.  Inga stated that she would begin applying for visas.

Despite all of these discussions, I was acutely aware of the reaction of Western European countries, especially those in the Schengen Region, to the Russo-Ukrainian conflict.  Western Europe had all but shut out Russians with an interest to travel.  Visa requests were not being approved for Russian nationals.  In addition to this, if Inga were able to secure visas for herself and Eva, entry for the purposes of tourism would be limited to a fixed number of days.  This would hardly be an appropriate solution for emigration.  

If I am asked to cite my favorite film of all time I would never hesitate to name Chinatown as a near perfect movie.  From the atmosphere of the cinematography to the haunting, period evoking music, it is a movie I am able to repeatedly watch and in which I find something new.  While it is not a classic film noir, it falls into the neo-noir category.  Gittes is a private investigator drawn into what evolves into a complex case.  As facts slowly emerge as to the true nature of a murder, Gittes must discard theories he has been forming, "on the fly" to appreciate the full scope of the mystery he set out to solve.  However, even armed with the full, unvarnished truth, circumstances conspire to handcuff him (both literally and figuratively).  Despite his perseverance, Gittes is impotent to prevent a tragic outcome.

J.J. Gittes (Jack Nicholson) and Evelyn Mulwray (Faye Dunaway)

“Perseverance is the act of true role models and heroes.” - Liza Wiemer

I would hardly characterize my perseverance regarding Ingeborga as heroic.  If anything, it was trauma bonding that perpetuated my renewed contact with her.  Although, trauma bonding is defined by a cycle of abuse and affection, there was decidedly no affection shared by Inga.  There was certainly a bond and a cycle of abuse we shared.  That abuse manifested itself through all the defenses that Inga was capable of marshalling when confronted with inconvenient truths.  

Like J.J. Gittes, the motives for my engagement/reengagement evolved with the acquisition of new information.  Like Evelyn Mulwray, Inga would filter what she shared to suit her needs, in the moment. Under duress and with Gittes holding the upper hand, Mulwray was forced to reveal her deepest and most painful secrets while bearing the humiliation of her past actions.  However, the difference between Evelyn and Inga is that the toxic shame a narcissist needs to suppress can never be expressed.  Arguably, Inga cannot engage in the introspection necessary to be fully aware.

Hoping she will model my behavior...

It is widely considered by those in the field of mental health that NPD is a lifelong mental health issue.  But, it is also recognized that symptoms and behaviors can be successfully modified with therapy.  It was with this knowledge I decided to take a more clinical approach to my interactions with Inga.  I had long ago abandoned the notion that a truly intimate relationship would develop between us.  Indeed, I did not even consider Inga to be a friend.  She had truly become more of an acquaintance with whom I exchanged messages of insignificant import.  However, I learned Inga's secret and Inga knew that I knew.  No doubt this served to further keep me at arm's length.  For Inga, I was both a source of narcissistic supply through my attention and generosity but I was also a danger.

I wondered if Inga would, over time, lower her defenses if I were to demonstrate the perseverance and resiliency that others could not or would not.  I was fully aware that I would likely experience additional insult and was prepared for these assaults.  Only a few weeks would need to elapse before this would be tested as I had not ended my business arrangement with PI Lab.

Divorce and the aftermath...

When I received the previous report from Mikhail Levko concerning the purchase and registration of a new apartment located on Gogol Street in Central Pskov, Mikhail and I agreed to extend the scope of work.  PI Lab operatives were to return to Pskov for follow up observations and note any changes in residence or living arrangements.

In May of 2022 I received the promised follow-up report from Mikhail Levko in which he wrote:

In the course of the investigation, a check was made of the register of divorce proceedings of  district court No. 27 of the Justice of the Peace.  It was established that on March 16, 2022, Magistrate Surusov carried out the divorce proceedings between Ingeborga Aleksandrovna Reshetnikova and Denis Leonidovich Reshetnikov.  Case No. 2-/824/27/2022.  The plaintiff in the case was Ingeborga Reshetnikova. The marriage was dissolved. The decision entered into force on April 19, 2022. No appeal was filed.

 ...Get happier today" (Classic marketing tag line for Hoover vacuum cleaner products)

Ignoring that sucking sound...

Having achieved a modicum of peace after the most recent confrontation with Inga, I was beginning to refocus on work projects.  The time I spent in text exchanges was being invested back into myself.  It was time to clean and dress my wounds.  It was time to admit to myself that I had been used, abused and kicked to the curb.  I was covered in figurative road rash.  I was hurting. 

Suddenly, there was wall-to-wall coverage of Russian vehicles crossing the border into Ukraine.  There were live feeds of rocket attacks and explosions in Kiev.  My interest was captured by the seemingly endless frontline reports and obligatory commentary which followed nearly each.

Simple "Good Morning" and "Good Night" messages, between Inga and I, had replaced the scores of texts which had previously been exchanged over the course of a day.  However, with the new volatility in Eastern Europe, I was inquiring more about the physical and emotional security of both Inga and Eva with Inga sharing her frustration and anger over the response of the US and Western European nations.  Inga noted the unfairness of Westerners to brand all Russians as evil or to assume that all Russians were in favor of the actions of Putin and the Kremlin.  On some occasions Inga would parrot Kremlin talking points regarding the infiltration of "Nazis" into the ranks of the Ukrainian military and that Ukraine had been responsible for genocide in the Donbas region.  These arguments were used by Inga to rationalize the invasion of a sovereign nation by her country.  There were other times when Inga recognized the folly of the invasion and wrote of the first Russians killed in action transported to the military base outside of Pskov as well as the significant trauma of those wounded in action.

As I willingly took part in the reestablishment of routine communication with Inga, I did so by rationalizing that I was being helpful and compassionate.  However, as Inga shared more of her thoughts, it became obvious that she was expressing her outrage over how the conflict, sanctions, travel restrictions and the freefall in the value of the ruble were impacting her.  Inga shared an anecdote related to a friend who was involved in a real estate transaction prior to the imposition of Western sanctions.  Inga related that the value of the proceeds in her bank account were nearly wiped out after the ruble was devalued.  Inga also wrote of people traveling to Kazakhstan to establish bank accounts.  I was highly suspicious that these stories were actually referring to Denis and Inga.

It was not long that the volume of messages exchanged with Inga returned to or exceeded past daily totals.  While Inga never offered an apology for any of her past transgressions, she appeared eager to communicate with me.  On more than occasion she offered, what I am sure she intended as a compliment, by writing to me that she looked forward to our "conversations" as she could not tolerate the nonsense she experienced with others.

Yes, I got hoovered...

Narcissists can skillfully employ a number of tools, some of which I have described in previous posts.  One form of manipulation is referred to as "hoovering" which simply means to an attempt to suck an individual back into their sphere.  This may happen when the previous source of narcissistic supply breaks away or pushes back on the abuse.  It was not that I did not see it coming.