#incorrectclassics

Horatius: *visibiliter textuat* Telephonum mihi non est.

Propertius: Hey, Horace, what's your number?

Horace: *visibly texting* I don't have a phone.

Cast

Socrates – Athenian Philosopher

Meno – Nobleman from Thessaly

Glaucon – Plato’s brother, friend to Socrates

  (Ancient Athens. The great philosopher, Socrates, is sitting on a rock, just within the Agora. His head is facing down intently as he fidgets with an iPhone 4S. A man approaches him.)

  MENO: By Zeus! If it isn't Socrates! Have you gone into hiding? No one has seen or heard from you in weeks.

  (Socrates lifts his right hand up and waves his index finger in the air. He continues to play with his iPhone while never looking up to address Meno.)

  MENO: I've come to have another conversation on the topic of virtue. There were many holes left in our last discussion, and I was hoping you could expound upon other novel ideas pertaining to the nature of virtue.

  SOCRATES (still not looking up): For one to fully understand virtue one must find its essential definition. To do this, it is first necessary to download the app. It's free.

  MENO (caught off-guard): The essential definition, right, I already—wait, download the app, what do you mean, Socrates?

  SOCRATES (finally looks up, exasperated): The Virtue application. You can download it for free from the iTunes store.

  MENO: I am nonplussed, Socrates. I thought you were a man of principle, a man of self-examination...

  SOCRATES: Yeah, yeah. The unexamined life is a life not worth living. I got it. You know, for a guy that has never written any books, you people sure remember a lot of things I say.

  MENO: Surely, Socrates, you're not a man who is concerned with things below the earth and in the sky, as well as the new iPhone 4S?

  SOCRATES (holding his hand out, as if putting his iPhone on display): Seriously, have you seen this thing?! The speed is amazing! And look, I can read the entire works of Hesiod and Homer right here, in the palm of my hand!

  MENO: But Socrates, what about the value of wisdom? Do you not care about what is just and unjust? Do you not care about democracy? Do you not care about the state of the city?

  SOCRATES: With this Google Maps app, I can get a bird's eye view of the entire city!

  MENO (becoming increasingly furious): Socrates! You have been openly critical of Athenian democracy and now you stand before me and provide nothing but insult with your irony. You have let down Apollo, Socrates. You are no wise man!

  (Meno storms off. Socrates, realizing he has offended Meno, shrugs his shoulders and continues playing on his iPhone. Another man approaches.)

  GLAUCON: Hey Socrates, still messing around with your new iPhone 4S?

  SOCRATES (looks up, shows a warm greeting): Ah, Glaucon! I am indeed still figuring out the workings of this wise device.

  GLAUCON: Did you get my email, Socrates? The one pertaining to the ostracism that is being held today?

  SOCRATES: I did not. Let me check my Gmail right now, it'll only take a sec.

  (Socrates slides his index finger over the touch screen.)

  GLAUCON: Can I assume, then, that you have not been on Twitter today?

  SOCRATES: I have not. I was too busy setting up my Facebook fan page. You should “like” it when you get a chance.

  GLAUCON (unsettled): I will certainly do that, Socrates. Look, as a friend, I should tell you—it's probably not a good idea for you to come to the assembly to vote.

  SOCRATES: Glaucon, my boy! You read my mind. I’m just gonna text my vote in for the ostracism. Going to grab a bite at the Prytaneum, they're having a lunch buffet.

  GLAUCON: Yeah, well, Socrates, you know that play The Clouds?

  SOCRATES: Yes, the iCloud. It’s cutting-edge technology. Your content. On all your devices.

  GLAUCON: I meant the play The Clouds by Aristophanes. You were the main character and were made fun of throughout it. He called you a Sophist. Remember?

  SOCRATES: Hilarious! That Aristophanes can really give a good roasting! The idea that I could be a Sophist—those dudes are still using Blackberrys.

  GLAUCON: Sure. Well, do you remember making Anytus angry, you know, before Plato had bought you an iPhone 4S?

  (Socrates' iPhone makes a noise that sounds like chimes)

  SOCRATES: Look here! That's my Twitter text message tone. Someone has just mentioned me. It says: @Socrates will be put on trial for #impiety #corruptingtheyouth

  GLAUCON: Don't worry. We'll help you prepare a strong apology.

  (Socrates looks at Glaucon briefly and then, in a very cavalier manner, shrugs his shoulders and goes back to fidgeting with his iPhone.)

  SOCRATES: Glaucon, remember: the just man who appears unjust will always be better off.

  GLAUCON: Socrates, you truly are a wise man.