#imwordy

You might have that feeling that you need to distance or isolate yourself from other people, especially to people who are close to you, just because you do not want them to be bothered by you — your problems, your rants, your paranoia, and your melancholia. You often tend to do this because you think that you are being such a burden to them. So you chose to keep it all to yourself. You are doing this not because you don’t trust them, but because you don’t want them to be a part of that negativity, of that random bullshit, of that anxiety. You chose to be alone instead because you don’t want them to be with someone like you — toxic.

For others, moving on is based on how long or short your relationship lasted. But that does not goes the same for me. You may be committed and in love with someone for three months and you may find it difficult to move on, after a break up. Or you may be committed and in love for three long years and you may find it very easy to move on. Why? Perhaps it’s because of all the memories you shared, all the moments you had, the good ones, the bad ones, the “almost perfect” ones, and even those bittersweet moments. 

I’ve been committed and in love with someone for two years and two months, and after our break up it actually felt like hell. Cringe worthy? But hey, trust me, it’s true. I’ve been an emotional wreck but was able to move on after TWO LONG YEARS. And now, my seven-month relationship with the guy I love has ended. And to be honest, I find it more difficult to move on compared to that two years and two months relationship. It may be because we just broke up recently, but I know there’s so much more. 

This goes to a friend who is facing a lot of trials at this time. I know you have been through a lot. A lot of troubles, heartaches, rumors, cracks in love. You may have hit the rock bottom and felt so down and hopeless. But I know you were able to surpass all of those. 

But now, you are facing a really different and maybe, tough situation. You are now facing another journey. A nine-month journey that will bear a lot of pain but most of all, happiness. You are now on you’re second month, and I know it was not easy. It will never be easy. Especially knowing that you have to face this on your own. Well, we all know that you should not be facing and experiencing that all alone. But we also know that it is a choice that you made. You have chosen to stay in the “Safe and quiet zone”. Because we all know that the man is committed to someone else. That he is in a relationship with someone. And it will only cause you trouble if you would chose to tell his girl and his family. 

I adore you, my friend. For being so brave. For having the guts and valor to do things on your own. You always think of his sake, even though he does not seem to do the same way. He might not be even thinking of you and your baby at all. But I know, you will pass all of this. With the help and support of your friends, loved ones and most of all your family. 

Way back then, I know how much you liked him. Even before we’ve became close. I know how you feel for him. And I know that you dreamed of having him. I know that this might be a dream come true for you. Especially now that you are together. 

Well, it may sound ironic. Because way back then you’ve keep on comforting me and helping me to be able to move on from him. But yes, you two are now together. And I just that is just how it really works. Now that you are with him, I wish that you would take care of him, even more than the way that I did. I wish that you two find true happiness. No doubts, no cheats, no lies. 

I guess it’s true, that someone will just come into your life and change it constantly. Years ago, I met you. And I didn’t expect things to happen like it did. I didn’t expect that you’ll be the one who’s going to change my life, in so many ways. But we’re both at a young age, and I do not know that time if being committed should be a thing. But after sometime, we stopped thinking, we stopped worrying and we let ourselves fall, we let ourselves be too attached with one another. And doubts became less too for we felt nothing but true happiness, there seem to be butterflies all the time. And suddenly we started to become more more intimate and close to each other, we started to crave each one’s touch and attention, we started kissing, hugging, and even cuddling. Our focus and our world seem to divert and revolve with one another. 

We started to be very serious on what we have, we started talking about our future like we’re sure of it, like we’re sure of what will happen. You picture your future with me, and I did the same thing. We speak like we’re certain on what will happen on the future and that we’re sure that it will be the two of us, together in the end. But its not the reality of life. We are not certain on what will happen in the future and we cannot control it. For there would be a lot of circumstances that we’ll have to face. 

And it happened to us. After two years of being together, a lot of things happened, and a lot of things had changed in both of us. Suddenly the butterflies seem to flew away, and our fairytale-like story seem to be on the last chapter. We broke up and we went on our separate ways. During that time, I was truly in despair, feeling so empty and so lost. It was really baffling for me, the reason why you have to leave me. It took me months before I was able to accept the reality that we are not as what we’re used to, and that all our future plans are plans that we have to fulfill on our own. 

Its been more than a year after the break up, and you are in a new relationship now. And I can see how happy or maybe happier you are with her now. While I am on my own too, but not with anyone else. Because if there’s something I learned, it is to wait for the right time and the right age. Because being mature is truly a key for a relationship to last.

Sometimes, I wish that you’d meet me when I’m in the right age, when I am in the right age and when I can handle serious problems unlike then. But I guess that’s just how it goes. You may meet someone who would change your life, but that someone may leave you. Maybe with or without a valid reason. 

There would be times that I feel like I regret everything. I regret giving my all and giving too much. But then I realized, there is nothing to regret about. What we had was an over view of what can happen in the future. Maybe there will be more heartaches, more crack in love and more mess. I may be a princess on the next fairytale or I may be an emotinal wreck, but I know its all part of the process. 

I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I know I shouldn’t have these sentiments towards you. But can you blame me? Can you be mad at me for missing you?

I can still remember that night when I saw you standing outside our house. I can clearly remember the way you look at me, and the way you smiled at me when I was standing in front of you. I do not know your reason for smiling. Was it because of me? Because I was already there, you already saw me after number of months. Months had passed by since we last saw each other and I do not know if you’re happy to see me or what. It was the first time (after then) that I heard your voice, that I heard you speak to me again. That night was just it, I didn’t let you get inside your house, because I just find it a bit awkward if I did. But I don’t know. I really felt the fidgety that night. I texted you, and I apologized for what I acted, and you said it was okay. 

And so this happened, friday afternoon, I think. I just woke up since I’ve been tired from school (lol it was just a 3-hour class tbh). And I received a message from you saying you would come. And as what you said, you came. You’re still wearing your school uniform, knowing you’re excuse is that you’ll go back to school for you still have class. I don’t know, but I still find every excuses you make, funny. Just like the old times. We talked about life, ask about what’s new, and you cracked jokes and as usual I laughed at all of them. I find it weird because it was the first time that we’ve been together (like again) and we talked like we didn’t stopped talking for a long time. I still remember that moment you touched my hair and said “haba na ng buhok mo” and when you told me “ang payat mo na”. I just nod to you when you said these, because yes they’re true and it annoys me because you’re still able to notice those things.

Being someone’s ex isn’t much great. Because when the moment came, and he found his new love, you’ll always be compared to the new one. You’ll always be a topic, a frickin and never ending topic of them and their friends. 

And it goes the same for you, me and him. This unexpected crap happened. Like out of nowhere, it did. Your man started talking to me again, we started talking to each other again. But it was nothing. We made a deal. A shitty deal. That I nor he, will not have any emotions towards it. 

And one day, I saw your rants on your twitter. “may text sakin kanina”. And the moment I’ve read that tweet, I know it was him who said that. I know it was a rant against me. And so I decided to text him. And he said he doesn’t know where you found out that crap. And he told me me this “wag na wag kang aamin na nagkakatext tayo ha”. It was a very coward line, a very coward move, a very selfish and doubt excuse. But I understand him. I know he just don’t want to lose you nor end your relationship. 

“May klase ka pa?” “Di ba pwede agahan uwi?” 

These were just some of the questions you used to ask me. You appear so eager to see me and to talk to me. And I know it only happens when you are not in good terms with your girl, when the two of you are having conflict, or when she’s busy and even when you’re just bored. 

Yes, I am you ex girlfriend, we have made a lot of memories and we’ve been through a lot. But it doesn’t mean that I will still be the same girl like who I’m used to be before. Things had changed, mate. You have your own life and I have mine. And infact you are in a new relationship. And that simply means that you have your girl, who will take care of you, talk to you and even make you happy. That’s not me, anymore. We should accept that fact.