#ims;

afirstnamebasis

are the dates typical of the holiday? shared meals and what not?

saintadonis

You could say that. Before I was really with anybody on a long term basis, that's usually the sorta thing I'd do. Dinner or drinks. Sometimes other things, depending on what they were interested in.

I endured a cat cafe for someone once.

I never got all the fur out of that suit.

afirstnamebasis

interesting. but in long term relationships, such plans are no longer ideal? or is that not what you were saying.

do you dislike cats.

saintadonis

They're the same, I guess, but they're less... uh, time-sensitive? We could go on a date any time we wanted. Less pressure.

Not per se, but I don't like fur in my clothes. But that doesn't really matter anymore considering I'm buried in dog 24/7.

afirstnamebasis

ah, that makes sense. truthfully, i don't even know what i would do on a date. or where i would want to go.

what was your favorite date so far.

or do humans not normally discuss those.

saintadonis

Favorite? Like, all-time, ever, or Valentine's specific?

afirstnamebasis

either...? both?

saintadonis

Uhhh.

Well.

There haave beeen... a lot.

How to choose.

Well.

Restaurants and clubs are fun, and all, but I guess the best times I've had were. Quiet? ish?

Like... making dinner together at someone's place. Taking a walk together. A picnic on a secluded beach.

Those sorts of things.

Where we just talked.

Enjoyed each others' company.

afirstnamebasis

was it nicer than just speaking with someone under other conditions?

saintadonis

Maybe?

Marginally?

I guess in certain instances I was just... really focused on the fact that it was a date, which meant they definitely wanted to be there with me.

And I didn't feel like I was imposing or boring them or something.

afirstnamebasis

oh...

i think i get that now.

saintadonis

I mean, don't get me wrong, I definitely appreciate spending time with people outside of dates.

Just... yeah.

afirstnamebasis

they don't seem mutually exclusive to me.

saintadonis

I guess I just feel worse about myself compared to romantic interests than to friends?

That sounds stupid.

afirstnamebasis

it doesn't sound stupid, just unintelligible.

can you elaborate.

saintadonis

That's a really polite way of saying stupid.

Just... I don't know. A romantic partner might feel more obligated to stick around when they're not in the mood? Whereas a friend might not feel that pressure?

Which definitely doesn't make sense because I want to be there for my friends but. I don't know, there's something about the... weight society puts on a partner's devotion versus a friend's, or something.

afirstnamebasis

hm...

saintadonis

This is kind of a tangent. The important thing is just that I don't really care about how fancy a date is, I really just want to spend time with someone.

afirstnamebasis

i am... trying to understand but this may be beyond me for the time being.

saintadonis

I spend a lot of time on looking fancy. I like being real with someone.

afirstnamebasis

and you get to be real on these quieter romantic dates you go on with your partner(s)?

saintadonis

Yeah. I feel like I get to stop pretending for a while and just be a human being with flaws.

And know that... they still like me. Even then.

afirstnamebasis

interesting.

so you want an opportunity to be flawed?

that is... counterintuitive to me.

saintadonis

Well, yeah. Constantly putting up an illusion of perfection is exhausting?

I want everyone to like me. Logic says if I'm flawless, there's nothing about me to dislike.

afirstnamebasis

seems like the only goals worth pursuing were labor intensive.

saintadonis

saintadonis: To which shithead am I speaking?

achelcus: Who are you

saintadonis: I asked first, shithead.

achelcus: Pontus

achelcus: What does a filthy gremlin like you want

saintadonis: Rude. I'm a human.

saintadonis: Well. Technically a cyborg.

It's just BULLSHIT. My alts blame me for everything! Goldie and Day get mad at me for being scared of them. Because they were so close to their Jacks. And I KNOW they suffered too, I'm not contesting that, but I was FORCED to admit that I'm scared of them sometimes and they got angry at me for it.

And I used to be so close to Day. But since Goldie came along, he's just moved away from me. And Goldie and I were never CLOSE exactly but there was a time when we flirted a lot for shits and giggles which was endearing to ME.

And I was really close to Red for a while before he dropped off the face of the planet. And I got close to Aeron while Red was gone! But then when Red got back he and Aeron and you were together and I don't blame any of you for being happy together but I felt like I didn't matter anymore. I had feelings for both of them but by the time I was ready to admit it to them they were happy with other people and I couldn't ruin that.

And they're both so timid I shouldn't have been around them anyway. I know I act assertive sometimes and I've always been scared of hurting them by reminding them of Jack.

But none of them even TRY to understand. Nobody tries to understand WHY I'm scared. Nobody tries to understand WHY I'm angry. Don't I have a right to be scared of Jack? Don't I have a right to be ANGRY because of Jack? He RUINED. My LIFE. He ruineed my  head and my body and m ysoul and I'll neve  r be okay again beacuse of him

But I'm not allowed to be aangry. I'm not allowed to be scared or hurt. Nobody cares about h ow I feel unless I feel exactl y the same wa they do. I'm not ALLOWED to react to my truama with anger or fear because THEY don'tr eac t wthat way

brxkencxde: yessss like contact lenses

ceoatlast: eyedentical parts

brxkencxde: oMG GET OUT