#improvized

just looked at the blog of someone I used to follow religiously on tumblr. a trans hero of mine and friend of a friend

i remember pouring over his tumblr as a high schooler, trying so hard to be him, to create my life in the silhouette of his

it made me so nostalgic to look through his posts. the aesthetic brought me back emotionally to a time when i constantly was looking toward a hopeful future, where mere images could lift a depression, a flashlight, flashbulb, fearsome.

when i was young and everything was coming up. college soon ! graduation ! transition ! 

now

what do i have to look forward to?

i think i will always always always be nostalgic. someday i’ll be nostalgic for what is happening in the present.

but strangely

i almost feel like im more nostalgic toward the things that caused me pain. why do i look back at 11th grade chemistry with love? why do i look back at this spring, the most volatile disturbance in my universe, with a sweet sigh?

more and more

i want to go back to high school

where rent was a musical and not a bill 

where ulilities was the way i imagined my body and not a way for me to stay warm stay clean stay illuminated

where i could make a youtube video about my gender identity and feel the same relief that dragging a plastic knife from my dads kitchen drawer across my skin could impart

and now damn

i have these white lines on my arm

little petroglyphs from my very own neolithic period

lines so many lines

recite them cut them do them

sniff it from a key outside club cafe 

when the molly makes your brain vibrate against itself like an old alarm clock

im only 24 and have so much to tell you about

Just strolling by, Society’s path is intriguing. So much scheduling, So much business, Enjoy figuring out the leads.

Reason or emotion, Matters not to me. Just enjoying the view. No job or plans, Still plenty to be seen.

So much love to experience, Tons of wonders to explore. Why not live a little?

Nothing wrong with a mess, If you find knowledge in it.

Always so formal, Why so stiff and serious? What’s wrong with enjoying life, Living with this strangeness? It’s fun to dream after all.

The web brings ideas to life, Even as bugs stifle it’s design. A space so vast, New frontiers to venture.

No rain or snow, No worry or fear, No city or countryside, Is beyond reach.

Believe in the self, The universe will entertain. Just abide and accept, The love forgotten.

It’s just a ride, Best of all, It’s free.

Let’s enjoy our stories, Let’s see where it all leads.