#imnotaguru

Have you ever wished whole days away?  Wished to fast forward because life was too hard or you were too tired or sick, and thinking that a day in the future might suit you better?  That there would be less pain that future day or that maybe there would be happiness if only you could get to that imagined future spot.

I totally get that.  If I’m being honest, I’ve wished days away… I’ve probably wished months or even years away.  Now that I’m 40+ (and in a particularly reflective mood), the gravity of that really hits home.  When you realize that potentially half your life is over, you really start to think about the remaining time.

I wrote this on a Thursday.  On that day, I wished that the following day didn’t exist.  I actually wished-away a Friday.  And then I thought about how sad it was that I felt that way.  

For some reason, feeling sad about feeling sad (yes, it’s a thing!) triggered a memory.  When I was 2 months old, I had bacterial spinal meningitis.  I was truly deathly ill for two months with that illness.  My parents cried over my hospital bed.  They despaired and prayed for me to have a future.  Something tells me that they weren’t thinking about colleges or husbands or kids.  They prayed for my next breath and every breath that happened between those terrifying moments and the moment that I’m typing this.  

So now I feel like an idiot… wishing away these moments that I almost wasn’t granted.  If you think about it, the mid life crisis is a fallacy based on the odds - the odds that you’ll live to one age or to another.  The reality is that none of us know when the middle is or when the end will be.  For all we know we could be much closer to the epilogue than we think, so maybe it’s not the best idea to wish the pages away.